need to get it out..

[woodnhen]

So my husband and I have been married for almost two years ago, we've had two babies in a very short amount of time almost 2 and a newborn. i was extremely pregnant with the first when we got married, and had only lived together for a few months when i got pregnant. there is a very brief background of the relationship. We have always gotten along pretty well. we are both pretty quite easy going people. So we haven't fought much over the span of are relationship.

my husband is a great guy, he goes to work everyday in construction to provide for our family, and comes home to us every night. however during my second pregnancy both of my brothers moved to town and it was a constant heavy drinking at my house, which i always hated. one thing led to another and the drinking got out of control and a fight broke out and my husband broke his hand sending him into a deep depression, along with taking several norcos (he's a recovered drug addict), and basically was absent from me and his family emotionally.

I didn't know what was going on, besides the obvious. I then discovered that he was talking to one of his long time friends (who is a girl) day in and day out. When I confronted him about what was going on between him and his friend, he said that he was confiding all of his issues in her, while i was left in the dark. this is also what has started the down hill spiral of our relationship. all we ever do is argue, fight, and say hurtful things to each other. now i have become overbearing and over cautious of this friend of his, as they go out almost every week to concerts. he swears up and down that nothing would ever happen but he is still sneaking around to talk to her everyday, and he won't talk to her in front of me, because "i will flip out"

I cannot get past this. he says that they're just friends which i can believe. but when i ask what they have to talk about everyday its vague at best, just shooting the breeze. whenever i try to talk about my feelings so that i can move on and continue to be friends with this girl it just turns into an argument which makes my husband even more resentful, and continue to do what he wants.

we throw out the word divorce all the time now, and neither one of us are understanding the other. I'm sorry I'm rambling on, i just need advice, help, anything! Thanks

 

[WolfGate]

Let's assume they are not physically involved since you say you can believe that. Emotional affairs are also very damaging and they are often harder for someone to leave than physical affairs. It is easy for him to justify to himself that everything is OK if there is not a physical relationship. At the same time, he is taking emotional intimacy from you and giving it to her.

You indicated you are friends with her as well. Do you know her well enough to share with her that this is bothering you? Yeah, that can be a land mine if you and she are not close but if she understands and supports your concerns it might break through his behavior (once he gets over the anger).

 

[woodnhen]

My husband has been her friend for 20 something years since they kids. I've only met her in the past five years. Recently my husband encouraged me to go to the gym with her (before I found anything out). I texted her when I found out and she said I could always ask her anything. But I'm not comfortable doing so. I don't know what she knows about my husbands emotions or feelings and I don't know what he has said about me. I told him that it sounds like an emotional affair and he tells me not to get all therapist on him. He doesn't understand. I was married for 1 year previously and he had an emotional affair and so my husband tells me that I'm just using my ex against and that he isn't him. We went to the gym once when this girl was sad and when I got home my husband asked if I cheered her up .. Then I found out he'd been texting her the whole time we were at the gym together and I feel like that is secretive and hurtful. I asked why I can't get invited to some events they go to together but he says he needs his own time to be himself, which I get but I'm not ok with him going and not be communicative. He also says I wouldn't care if Kim wasn't a girl, and that I need to stop seeing her as a female but just his friend

 

[woodnhen]

The girl is nice enough I don't think she is intentionally doing things to hurt me. However she is married, and she is completely unhappy and her husband NEVER does anything with her. Also, I guess when they go out she's been known to make out with other females. My husband says he thinks she a lesbian .. But she is desperate and unhappy the way I see it

 

[KW3]

I would take her up on the friendship. Get to know her better...and then talk with her about the feelings you've had. You don't have to get super drawn-out and dramatic - what you've shared here should be enough and not overbearing/accusatory to her. From what you've said here, I would believe your husband. He might not be telling the whole truth, but it all seems pretty consistent. Either way, it is a gray area. I think it is reasonable to believe them with the information you have told us so far, but to keep cautious that things may wind up different.

I had a work friend many years ago. What we ended up doing (he initiated this) was spending time with each other's spouses separately and as two couples. This helped us both to keep the line from being crossed. I really liked her and did not want to hurt her. I think he felt the same about my husband. Eventually they moved away (for his job). Before he moved, he asked if we could talk. He told me everyone in his department knew how he felt about me because it was obvious when we were together. Over the years, we had made sure other people were in the area when we talked. One of them (a very solid Christian) told me later that she had always admired the way we had acted given the circumstances. Your husband is telling you there is nothing romantic in his friendship, whereas we definitely had feelings that way, but my point is that when I knew his wife, she was a very real person whom I did not want to hurt.

Since you said you both tend to be easy-going, I would think this may work for you, allow him to keep his friendship, and make you feel more comfortable. I suppose she may not have the best of intentions when she said you can ask her anything, but at this point, I would take it at face value. (The part about her making out with people when they go out was the thing that concerns me about her integrity/where she will draw a line.) My kids have deep friendships with opposite sex people. A couple of the friendships have changed to be of romantic interest, but most of them do not. It's entirely possible that your husband and his friend are in this latter group.

 

[KW3]

Actually - maybe just spend some time with her and tell her up front. If you spend months working on this before you tell her, it will eat at you and affect your interactions. It may only take a few changes in how they interact with each other (for example, him not texting her while you and she are together) to make a difference and having a conversation with her may help that.

 

[KW3]

Sorry - I just reread the initial post. The part about them going out every weekend to concerts and so forth - while I don't think that's necessarily indicative of them having an emotional affair, it validates your concerns about your marriage in general. It seems he is wanting to be off living a single life. He may need to dial that back - not necessarily cut it off, but cut back. It's hard (online) to say one way or the other because there can be more to the issue (for example - or what-have-you other scenario- his passion is music and they go to the concerts because that is something they share, while you are off doing something you love with different friends...) But it does appear from what you wrote that he's pining for the single life.

 

[woodnhen]

Yes he tells me all the time that he missed all of his 20's because of his addiction and we met right out of the gate of his rehabilitation, and started a family shortly there after. So he wants to be able to enjoy himself when he gets the chance. Music is his passion and I can respect that. They have that in common, and it seems they have more in common the less we do besides two children and a house to take care of, and the daily grind. which is gravely my insecurity. Thank you all for your insight. I'm trying desperately to live in the present day and not worry if something will change. But it is tearing me apart. That's why I try to talk to my husband, so that I can understand and it's not killing me on the inside. But it just leads to an argument which leads to more insecurity. I'm trying to regain my relationship with God, so that I can have some peace about it. Which is helping. But my mind gets the best of me and it hurts so bad. I understand what you are saying about cut it back but the more I suggest that the harder he pulls, and just does what he wants. Now that he isn't spending as much time with my brothers it's all about her now. And I'm not sure what gives or when it's gonna be all about me at some point. Last night I couldn't sleep because when this friend is crying he gives her a hug and says it's all gonna be ok hunny, and when I cry I'm a physcho, you're crying again, or you're a cry baby. That's a side note but the thought made me so sad. He encourages me to do my own thing to, get out and have fun, but I moved to a city I don't know anyone, and it's not so easy to make friends. All of his child hood friends are all just around the corner. I want to pack it up and leave but don't want to do it over something that I've made up in my head. So sad and confused

 

[Poppyseed78]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I'm going to preface my post by saying that I don't believe that close, deeply emotionally-invested male/female friendships are healthy for a marriage. I believe emotional intimacy with someone other than your spouse erodes your marriage and takes away from the intimacy therein. So, take what I say with a grain of salt.

From my perspective, your husband should be putting your feelings first. That means being completely honest and transparent with you. By confiding in someone else, he is not putting you first. Also, he should not be calling you a psycho or a crybaby. That's incredibly cruel. You have a newborn baby, which is stressful on its own with the postpartum hormones, but when you throw in his addiction and other issues, it's a ton to deal with. I would honestly be furious if my husband was going out and having fun with friends - male or female - while I was left home to take care of the kids.

Maybe your husband missed his 20s because of his addiction, but now he has a family and his responsibility is to his family. Now is NOT the time to reclaim his lost youth. That's completely disrespectful to you. It does sound like he is trying to live the single life. Also, when someone is in recovery from addiction, it's a general rule to stay single for at least a year. It takes at least a year before you're ready for a relationship. I understand that this ship has sailed, however.

From everything you said, it wouldn't surprise me if his involvement with his female friend turned physical, if it hasn't already. I'm sorry if this is harsh. In any case, it's inappropriate, whether it's a physical affair or emotional. Have you considered counseling? Individual counseling for yourself can help you figure out what to do, and couples counseling can help you improve your communication together. But for your marriage to get stronger, in my opinion, he needs to drastically scale back the amount of time he spends with this girl, and he needs to focus on your family. Also, it is a huge red flag that he is vague about what they talk about. You mentioned that he said you would "flip out" if he talks to her in front of you. So his solution is to sneak around? He knows he's doing something wrong if he has to hide it from you.

 

[KW3]

I don't think you are making this up in your head. I know your initial post was about his relationship/friendship with her, but I think the real issue is his escapism. That's where he went with the drugs, the alcohol, and his various friendship(s). He really needs to mature. He has kids, you, a job - he could lose all of that. The names he is calling you is to deflect the attention away from him. You sound incredibly grounded and like you are trying to be balanced in his needs, your needs, etc. Nothing you have said is coming across as "psycho". You need to remind yourself of that when he says these things to you.

I do believe in having friends, and half my friends are male (a good part to do with my hobbies/passions). But I also keep up boundaries. I don't share my conversations with my friends with my husband; if I say anything at all, it's pretty vague unless it's relevant to him. When he says that you would "flip out" if he talks with her in front of you - is he correct in saying that? If so, why? (You do not appear that way in what you have written. But are you more emotional when you are talking with him/around people than in your writing?)

I do agree with your husband that you need friends, and I hope that you will be able to find some in your new place. Seek out activities that interest you, and activities with other moms with kids. Give it time. You have to be involved in things for a while before the friendships spark - at least that is my experience.

I will pray for you - you yourself, and also for your family. May you find the help you need (in whatever form that comes - organized, friendship, other) to get through this, and that your husband can grow into the man/father/support that he needs to be.

 

[EveryWomanJ2911]

Dear Woodnhen,


With young children, a fairly new husband, and a major injury in your husband's body it seems like a lot to deal with for any married couple. You and your spouse sound like you are both trying to cope with all the tough breaks in life right now. Its good that he is a solid provider for you and the kids, but it is concerning that he is coping by leaning on another person. Usually, this is a time for couples to learn that they can grow together through difficult circumstances, if both are willing to take some healthy steps together. While it is important to talk about appropriate boundaries with this other person, maybe focusing on healing your relationship as a couple right now would be good for the both of you. Could you possibly find a married couple's group to join at a local church or community center? It could be very beneficial for you both to hang out with other couples to encourage you both right now, away from the children, and without talking about his friend for a time. Sometimes all someone is looking for is a safe space where they can let their guard down. In this case, you want that safe person to be you and not his friend. The best time to do that is today. Maybe let him know in some small way that you're glad he is home when he is there with you?


In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have someone with your best interest a heart, who is pulling for your marriage to work out, to talk to on tough days? Often times local churches offer free counseling support, and Mom/Women's groups to help women deal successfully with the struggles of life. I have found that when you feel that you are getting heard and that you are cared for, its easier to hear and care for my loved ones...even when they are being difficult. Things can still work out. Prayers and blessings to you friend!

 

[woodnhen]

Thank you all. I'm not an over emotional person .. Most of the time... However yes I do flip out sometimes when I get pushed to my breaking point. Which is what this situation is doing to me. She is over at my house as we speak getting her hair done by my sister in law. I

 

[mkgal1]

Last night I couldn't sleep because when this friend is crying he gives her a hug and says it's all gonna be ok hunny, and when I cry I'm a physcho, you're crying again, or you're a cry baby. That's a side note but the thought made me so sad. He encourages me to do my own thing to, get out and have fun, but I moved to a city I don't know anyone, and it's not so easy to make friends. All of his child hood friends are all just around the corner. I want to pack it up and leave but don't want to do it over something that I've made up in my head. So sad and confused

I don't think you are making this up in your head. I know your initial post was about his relationship/friendship with her, but I think the real issue is his escapism. That's where he went with the drugs, the alcohol, and his various friendship(s). He really needs to mature. He has kids, you, a job - he could lose all of that. The names he is calling you is to deflect the attention away from him. You sound incredibly grounded and like you are trying to be balanced in his needs, your needs, etc. Nothing you have said is coming across as "psycho". You need to remind yourself of that when he says these things to you.

I completely agree with KW3. If he were just as open and accepting (and more so) of YOUR needs.....your moods.....your concerns as he is of his friend's....then I don't think this would be a problem.

The issue that I see is that he's shutting you out in the process and sharing everything with her. You have every "right" to be upset. You should't feel like an outsider in your own marriage---or a third wheel. I think this can be a problem with relationships with a spouse and their parent's; their siblings; and a friend that's the same gender. Either way the result is the same---the spouse that's being kept in the dark emotionally rightfully feels betrayed. (((HUGS)))

 

[mkgal1]

Thank you all. I'm not an over emotional person .. Most of the time... However yes I do flip out sometimes when I get pushed to my breaking point. Which is what this situation is doing to me. She is over at my house as we speak getting her hair done by my sister in law.

Yes....in other words....you have healthy responses to being mistreated and neglected We ALL have our limits.

 

[woodnhen]

Sorry i have been non responsive in the past few days. a lot has been going on. It is extremely hard to sum up online, but i truly appreciate everyones input. This past weekend I went out of town friday night and we got into an argument before I left, and I asked him if he would have her over while I was a away. We had settled down and I got on the road and listened to christian radio and told myself that there is no way he would have her over. Not after our fight after all. I got home saturday night while he was at yet another event with her, a two day event that they had planned on attending (saturday and sunday) I got home and discovered her beer in our fridge and I asked my brothers if it was there when they got there in the morning and surely it was. He had her over while I was away. I was so angry after feeling confident in my husband, and leaving for the night to have my own time away. When they got back to the house that night, I went right up to this girl and asked her if she'd been at my house the night before and she said "no, why"? i said well then "why was your beer in my refrigerator", and she says oh well yeah I brought over beer.. in the mean time I called her best friend, (as well as one of my husbands female friend, but also a non threat since she is in a serious relationship and further more with another woman) one that i only know as well as her but know that she is someone I can trust without a doubt, and I told her everything thats been going on. She flat out told me to get out of the house and that she defiantly thinks that its weird and way to secretive and that they've been spending so much time together. She called her best friend and called her out on everything, the fact that she knows both this girl and my husband so well the fact that she is sticking up for me makes me really believe that something is amiss. She is in shambles now, my husband is a mess, he wants to blame me for ruining his whole life because all of his tight nit friends are going to think that they are having an affair when all that they've been is friends. I told him, what did you expect to happen? You're leaving me and your family every weekend, listening to all her problems, and telling her yours? Did you think that I was just going to allow it to keep happening? You're being an a**hole to me, and making her your escape route. I talked to their friend because she knows them more than anyone else. The friend told her off, and doesn't want anything to do with her anymore. I'm sure that it seems I've ruined life long friendships, but noone would talk to me, or tell me what was going on, and it had to end. My husband is "not talking to her anymore", and will not talk to her supposedly, but also not going to disown her. They had plans for this coming weekend, and any chance they get they would've run off together.

I packed my things and left, but made resolution with my husband last night for the sake of hopefully making something work out. I'm not sure if I should have come home but I'm enrolled in school and have my two babies, and nowhere locally to go. He doesn't want me to leave, but tells me that he is so close with his friend because he is unhappy. So I'm not really sure, he convinced me to stay and promised not to talk to her, although he is doing it because he doesn't want people to think he's having an affair, and lose everyone he's ever known, as well as her husband finding out. Her friend told me that "she knew people were going to think they were having an affair because of all the time they were spending together" that is hear say, but if you think that don't you think its time to cool it. and it probably means I was going to think that.

I told my husband that at the first sign of their friendship being more that he claims, this is his last chance and that I will leave him. I said that if and if ever you are to hang out with her we will all three have a sit down talk, and its gonna be harsh before I trust either of them together. He told me that she is innocent, and she thinks that he asks me, and that I'm okay with them going out all the time, because that is what he tells her. So I said then you will man up and tell her that you've been an ass to your wife, disrespectful to me, and you need to own that, so that she doesn't think I'm a raging lunatic. He says well theres a concert I want to go to in october, I said then Ill buy tickets and we can go together. Sorry. She has more girlfriends and even single guy friends that she can go out with. She has more close friends than I have ever had my entire life combined. So, she needs to stop choosing my husband to be her "person"

So, I'm not really sure how to feel or what to believe at this point. Theres been lies, and deceit.. I feel betrayed. I want to work it out which is why I'm here, but where do I begin? and do you think there is true hope in this circumstance? Can I believe my husband when he says there was no affair, that he was just unhappy and ran to her as a friend? He has been having anxiety yesterday and today, maybe because he thinks people are going to think of this as more than it was? or he's afraid his family is going to leave based off of his poor decisions and lack of communication skills! whew...

 

[woodnhen]

Dear Woodnhen,



In the mean time, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you have someone with your best interest a heart, who is pulling for your marriage to work out, to talk to on tough days? Often times local churches offer free counseling support, and Mom/Women's groups to help women deal successfully with the struggles of life. I have found that when you feel that you are getting heard and that you are cared for, its easier to hear and care for my loved ones...even when they are being difficult. Things can still work out. Prayers and blessings to you friend!

Im trying to better myself, going to the gym, getting in shape, going to school, want to join a women bible study, reading a christian book, talking to my close friend who shares wonderful advice and only wants the best for me. I want to get counseling, my husband would not ever do it with me, but I'd love to do it for myself, although finances cause an issue. Thank you for your input!

 

[LinkH]

The girl is nice enough I don't think she is intentionally doing things to hurt me. However she is married, and she is completely unhappy and her husband NEVER does anything with her. Also, I guess when they go out she's been known to make out with other females. My husband says he thinks she a lesbian .. But she is desperate and unhappy the way I see it

This all sounds really creepy and dangerous. your husband is hanging out with a woman who is reputed to engage in sexual perversions. He's trying to get you to go to the gym with her. (Reminds me of the sitcom 'Friends'.) If she goes out and kisses girls while she is away from her husband, do you think you can trust her with your husband? Have you told the woman you don't like her spending time with your husband without you?

 

[KW3]

Oh, wow. This is messy.

I don't think you are going to know for a while (if ever) what to believe or how to feel. How you are responding (that last paragraph) seems really normal/expected. Yes, I do think a marriage like you are describing CAN be worked through, but it will take lots of time and changes. He needs help - I'm not surprised that he is unhappy. You got married before he had a chance to work through the issues that led him into addiction, and it appears that they are still fully there. He may be going to her because she is "safe" and accepts him with his faults. But she is allowing him to continue acting this way (and get worse). If he wants your marriage to work, he needs to back off from the friendship with her and get into counseling. You need help, too. You need support. If he is willing to work through this, you can be tremendous factor in helping his life ultimately get better. If you love him, and are willing to go through this with him, this is possible. But you need support. Real, live people. There is no way you can be that sort of person for him if you are all alone like you are now (and with kids to raise, as well). Your marriage might not make it, but it can. It might even get worse. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

 

[KW3]

Can the two of you - together - go to the rehab place and ask them for help in figuring out where to go from here? Maybe they can help line you up with some of the services/people that you need.

 

[Autumnleaf]

If you can forgive then go for it and move on, if not tell him so and that you will always resent him until your or his dying breath and maybe even then some.