Need Godly advice

[bigo1984]

Ive been married a year and two months now to a woman I love. Before meeting her i was in prayer for two years for a Wife. We meant and married very fast.I believed and still believe it is Gods will.

She has 4 kids from a past relationship, all of which have the same dad. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. We both had these children with unbelievers and out of wedlock. We both acknowledge we made mistakes and are both now trying to do things right by God. The 2 months we dated before we married we did not have sex. We waited.

So fast forward a few months after we got married. We bought a home and moved in together. Her four children are very young and much more hyper than my two children so it was definitely an adjustment period getting used to having for little ones running around on a daily basis. There were some problems like most blended families have but i have adjusted.

Fast forward to now. Weve had some issues early on with intimacy and not just sex but her not being very touchy feely like as far as hugs and saying I love you and things like that and I told her that it bothers me and I wish she would do it more. She will always flip it back on me saying if i did x or y she would feel more like being intimate. In the beginning of the marriage I pretty much expected Sex every other day. We butted heads on this and i compromised. Now im happy once every 3 days. She told me sex isn't something that should be scheduled and I totally agree but if I don't ever mention it she will never initiate it or spontaneously do it unless I mentioned it the day before. So a couple my main problems in the marriage are not enough sex and wishing that she would initiate it more because I feel that she just does it out of obligation and doesn't want to have sex with me.

Other problems I have are for example when I get home she don't seem to acknowledge me at all after I just worked 11 or 12 hour day but when the kids get home from school she's all over them giving them hugs telling them that she loves them all the time, but she very rarely ever says that she loves me. Another problem is before we met she slept with her children and it's been a challenge getting the children to sleep in their own rooms I want her in bed with me. The kids want her in bed with them and I think that she actually would rather sleep with the kids if we are to be honest a lot of times come night time kids start saying they're sick when they been fine all day and it gives her an excuse to sleep in the bedroom with them. She told me she would only sleep with them if they are sick or something's going on and then she won't make a habit out of it well this week alone she was in there 5 out of 7 days. Being married I don't think I should have to wake up alone. She knows all the things that bother me that when she sleeps away from me it bothers me and the intimate things, yet she seems to do nothing to make changes about it and will just turn the argument on something that I'm not doing right.

Am I being selfish for wanting my wife in bed with me and expecting that my wife would love me enough to miss me and want to give me a hug and ask how my day was when I get home? Am i just being irrational? Does anyone else have similar issues in their marriage?

 

[Ken Behrens]

One of the advantages of a second marriage is that you are no longer young, and you have a lot of experience under your belt. The experience teaches you to prepare for adjustment. The other side of that coin, is you think you have experience enough to be ready to adjust to anything.

But remember, God always has more for us than we could ever ask or imagine. I think we even set ourselves up for it, by picking someone to marry the second time who will give us new experiences. So that's why you are going to have challenges with learning to adjust to things you thought would never come up, based on your previous marraige. It sounds like you two have very different ideas about child raising, and about intimacy. It also sounds like you are both compromising. The trick is to show mature love, which is not the feeling part, but the 100% giving part. It seems like you are both doing this.

My first wife died in 2012. God told me how I would meet this new one (Bat Melek, if she happens by to this thread), and we have now been together three years. Your story is like ours, but with completely different matters we are still learning to compromise.

No one is being selfish. You are both just being you. God will be God, and I think the three of you will work it out.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

From what I seen when people have had past marriages (christian or not) they often have baggage they bring into future marriages. Maybe she has baggage from her other marriage and its why she does what she does. Maybe her ex didn't love her enough. Maybe he hurt her so she has issues with me. Or maybe she felt better with her kids because she was hurt by her husband. Doesn't make it an excuse to ignore you of course.

She will always flip it back on me saying if i did x or y she would feel more like being intimate.

She should realize shes in sin when she says that. Sex is not a "You do this and I'll give you sex!". The bible says to GIVE yourself freely. Your bodies belong to each other. Doesn't mean you can't say no if you have legit reasons (time of month and what not). But to always deny it and force the other person into making deals for it is not Christ like.

So a couple my main problems in the marriage are not enough sex and wishing that she would initiate it more because I feel that she just does it out of obligation and doesn't want to have sex with me.

I'd go see a christian counselor. Or even a pastor. It may sound weird talking to your pastor who probably knows you well. But pastors talk about sex ALOT with couples in private. Especially when it comes to the biblical end of it.

Other problems I have are for example when I get home she don't seem to acknowledge me at all after I just worked 11 or 12 hour day but when the kids get home from school she's all over them giving them hugs telling them that she loves them all the time, but she very rarely ever says that she loves me.

We don't have kids but being around big families my whole life often the wife is so busy taking care of the home and kids that she doesn't always focus on the husband or do what she normally would before kids. Though if she has a moment like when your in bed then she should say I love you, its not that hard to do... and mean it.

The kids want her in bed with them and I think that she actually would rather sleep with the kids

This would annoy me to no end. Its fine if a kids sick or something. But depending on their ages, theres really no reason to sleep in their room when they are old enough to sleep on their own. Yet again I'd talk to a counselor. How does she expect the spark to say sparking if she never bothers with you.

 

[johndoo]

Some of this may be selfishness on her part. You or a third party may make that clear at some point.
I'm glad you have found some contentment in compromise. God bless you for your work to find solutions.
Those things she mentions "x and Y" , do what you can within reason to meet those stated needs. If she is being honest, and not just manipulative and making excuses, those are part of her love language.
Have you told her that you would like a hug/kiss when you return home?
If she is out of the house or in the house with the kids/housework, acknowledge that she has been working too.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Is your wife staying at home with the kids? If so, then at the end of the day she is most likely tired, just like you are. It sounds to me like you have different love languages. Yours is physical touch and affection, and hers is probably acts of service. It's possible that she has a to-do list a mile long, and it's stressing her out. If you lightened the load for her a little, it will take her mind off it. A lot of women have a hard time switching gears from kids and housework to intimacy and sex, especially when there are tasks not done. On her end, she should try to make quality time for you as well. That's crucial for all marriages. Try to communicate to her at a time where both of you are relaxed that it's important for you to make time for each other.

As for her sleeping in the kids' room, it sounds like she has been doing that for a long time and they are used to it. I think she should stop doing that as soon as possible, honestly. The longer she keeps doing it, the harder it will be to "wean" them from it, so to speak.

Try talking all of this out calmly and with love and patience. As the others suggested, maybe a Christian counselor or pastor would also help. Do you pray together? That would strengthen your bond. Including the kids in family prayer might also be a good idea.

 

[DZoolander]

I agree with a lot of the previous posters. It sounds like the way you express intimacy (or "love languages") is different. You're more touchy-feely and she sounds like she's more acts-of-service-y. I can relate to a degree, because my wife and I are the same way. I can also relate to some degree - because our daughter can't be pried out of the bed with a crowbar...lol

Where I think you're running into problems is that you haven't had enough time or an opportunity to find your own even keel and pattern. Like, my wife and I dated for a few years before getting married, and then had a few years before we had our first child of being married to each other. Therefore, we were able to kinda work out the kinks on the differing "love languages" without any other impediments. I got to learn what made her tick and how she reacted to things, as she did for me. You didn't get that benefit.

Where my wife and I are inconsistent on our goals is that we both know that having our daughter sleeping in our bed is an impediment to getting busy - but we both like it so much that we keep doing it. She and I both love the stories, watching her fall asleep, how she snuggles up to us at night for warmth, etc... So, we keep doing it, even though we know it's making it more difficult for other things. We willingly create that problem for ourselves.

You, though, didn't get that opportunity to work out your own rhythm before throwing the things like kids sleeping in the bed into the mix...so it's kind of a double whammy. Working out the differing ways of expressing intimacy takes a bit of time in and of itself. Having the obstacle of the kids only makes it more difficult to work out those nuances between you two.

I agree with the above poster that said maybe if you attempt to help around the house - that will be a good start. I'm your typical dude - insofar as I'll do things like drop my clothes two inches from the hamper. I'll straighten up things - and that's my form of cleaning. But my wife has a different definition of cleaning. To her, cleaning is more than just re-organizing clutter (which I'm sure with 6 kids running around the house there's quite a bit of). Like, if I do the floors, clean the shower, clean the toilets, bust out the vacuum, etc...that means far more to my wife than if I put toys away.

Maybe try looking at it like that - and start scheduling yourself to do certain things on certain days - see how that impacts upon her mood and receptiveness.

How old are the kids, and are they all in school?

 

[DZoolander]

Another question... 6 kids. That's a lot of people running around the house.

What's your house like, and how are these kids all situated? Do you have a 3 bedroom house, with 3 kids in each room? 4 bedroom house? Is there a lot of distance between your room and their rooms? What's the age range? Like, are there older kids who may be up later in the evening watching TV? Is there a good distance between your room and where they may be?

When do you try to get busy? If there are older kids, do you try really late at night when the chances are least likely to have someone come barging in? Like, post 9pm? 10pm? 11pm? Are your rooms far enough apart where she wouldn't be worried about the kids hearing "thump thump thump" at an earlier time?

How are the logistics? That might be on her mind, too.

 

[Poppyseed78]

I do have to add, expecting sex every other day in a blended-family situation with 6 kids is incredibly unrealistic. Childless newlyweds often have a frequency far lower than that. Every three days is still a pretty lofty goal. Six kids! I'm just saying.

 

[evoeth]

Your expectations going into this marriage appear to be very concrete. Did you discuss them with her beforehand?

 

[mkgal1]

In the beginning of the marriage I pretty much expected Sex every other day. We butted heads on this and i compromised. Now im happy once every 3 days.

So a couple my main problems in the marriage are not enough sex and wishing that she would initiate it more because I feel that she just does it out of obligation and doesn't want to have sex with me.

Which is more important to you? Because it seems to me those two statements are in conflict with one another. If you "expect" a set frequency of sex....you will, most likely, wind up with a spouse that's adhering to that expectation out of obligation. You just can't have it both ways. Something you may consider is that this is a huge transition for the children as well. How old are the little ones?

 

[mkgal1]

She knows all the things that bother me that when she sleeps away from me it bothers me and the intimate things, yet she seems to do nothing to make changes about it and will just turn the argument on something that I'm not doing right

Are you making efforts to resolve the issues she brings up?

 

[RedPonyDriver]

In the beginning of the marriage I pretty much expected Sex every other day. We butted heads on this and i compromised. Now im happy once every 3 days. She told me sex isn't something that should be scheduled and I totally agree but if I don't ever mention it she will never initiate it or spontaneously do it unless I mentioned it the day before. So a couple my main problems in the marriage are not enough sex and wishing that she would initiate it more because I feel that she just does it out of obligation and doesn't want to have sex with me.

If I was married to a man who told me when he expected sex, I'd be single again right quick.

What on earth made you think you could demand a certain frequency of relations from your wife? That's not love, that's not making love...I can't say what that is here (against TOS) but fill in the blanks.

I think you have unrealistic expectations. Chill out. You have a wife and 4 little kids now. Time to realize that your hormones are not front and center in this marriage.

 

[DZoolander]

What would make it even more "funny" is if it turned out they were all living in a 2 bedroom apartment

 

[bigo1984]

I agree with a lot of the previous posters. It sounds like the way you express intimacy (or "love languages") is different. You're more touchy-feely and she sounds like she's more acts-of-service-y. I can relate to a degree, because my wife and I are the same way. I can also relate to some degree - because our daughter can't be pried out of the bed with a crowbar...lol

Where I think you're running into problems is that you haven't had enough time or an opportunity to find your own even keel and pattern. Like, my wife and I dated for a few years before getting married, and then had a few years before we had our first child of being married to each other. Therefore, we were able to kinda work out the kinks on the differing "love languages" without any other impediments. I got to learn what made her tick and how she reacted to things, as she did for me. You didn't get that benefit.

Where my wife and I are inconsistent on our goals is that we both know that having our daughter sleeping in our bed is an impediment to getting busy - but we both like it so much that we keep doing it. She and I both love the stories, watching her fall asleep, how she snuggles up to us at night for warmth, etc... So, we keep doing it, even though we know it's making it more difficult for other things. We willingly create that problem for ourselves.

You, though, didn't get that opportunity to work out your own rhythm before throwing the things like kids sleeping in the bed into the mix...so it's kind of a double whammy. Working out the differing ways of expressing intimacy takes a bit of time in and of itself. Having the obstacle of the kids only makes it more difficult to work out those nuances between you two.

I agree with the above poster that said maybe if you attempt to help around the house - that will be a good start. I'm your typical dude - insofar as I'll do things like drop my clothes two inches from the hamper. I'll straighten up things - and that's my form of cleaning. But my wife has a different definition of cleaning. To her, cleaning is more than just re-organizing clutter (which I'm sure with 6 kids running around the house there's quite a bit of). Like, if I do the floors, clean the shower, clean the toilets, bust out the vacuum, etc...that means far more to my wife than if I put toys away.

Maybe try looking at it like that - and start scheduling yourself to do certain things on certain days - see how that impacts upon her mood and receptiveness.

How old are the kids, and are they all in school?

Ages 2, 4, 5 and 6

 

[bigo1984]

And I agree with the posters that responded and said that we have different love languages. it's just the fact that she doesn't show the intimacy has made me feel like she doesn't love me because when I love somebody I show intimacy in more of a touchy feely way.

It's just odd because normally the women are the ones that are more touchy-feely and I never had this problem in another relationship before where I was more that way than the woman

 

[bigo1984]

Another question... 6 kids. That's a lot of people running around the house.

What's your house like, and how are these kids all situated? Do you have a 3 bedroom house, with 3 kids in each room? 4 bedroom house? Is there a lot of distance between your room and their rooms? What's the age range? Like, are there older kids who may be up later in the evening watching TV? Is there a good distance between your room and where they may be?

When do you try to get busy? If there are older kids, do you try really late at night when the chances are least likely to have someone come barging in? Like, post 9pm? 10pm? 11pm? Are your rooms far enough apart where she wouldn't be worried about the kids hearing "thump thump thump" at an earlier time?

How are the logistics? That might be on her mind, too.

We do have six kids total but only four live with us full time .they all sleep in the same room and their room is on the opposite side of the house as ours.

 

[bigo1984]

Another question... 6 kids. That's a lot of people running around the house.

What's your house like, and how are these kids all situated? Do you have a 3 bedroom house, with 3 kids in each room? 4 bedroom house? Is there a lot of distance between your room and their rooms? What's the age range? Like, are there older kids who may be up later in the evening watching TV? Is there a good distance between your room and where they may be?

When do you try to get busy? If there are older kids, do you try really late at night when the chances are least likely to have someone come barging in? Like, post 9pm? 10pm? 11pm? Are your rooms far enough apart where she wouldn't be worried about the kids hearing "thump thump thump" at an earlier time?

How are the logistics? That might be on her mind, too.

The kids are actually on a pretty good sleep schedule we normally put them to bed at 7:30 and thet sleep pretty good. sometimes one of them will wake up around 10. if we are going to do intimate things we normally try to do it around 9 or so.
Initially I wanted to be intimate sexually with her every other day but I have compromised to twice a week.

And I understand having to schedule sex with your wife is not very romantic but I feel if it doesn't get scheduled with our kids situation it doesn't end up happening so sadly it's what we've had to do

 

[bigo1984]

Which is more important to you? Because it seems to me those two statements are in conflict with one another. If you "expect" a set frequency of sex....you will, most likely, wind up with a spouse that's adhering to that expectation out of obligation. You just can't have it both ways. Something you may consider is that this is a huge transition for the children as well. How old are the little ones?

Good points in your post

 

[bigo1984]

Are you making efforts to resolve the issues she brings up?

Yes I try to resolve issues that she has some of her issues are helping out more with the kids and helping her more on the house and I do try to do those things it does seem like I get off track after a while of doing it or it doesn't last.

 

[bigo1984]

If I was married to a man who told me when he expected sex, I'd be single again right quick.

What on earth made you think you could demand a certain frequency of relations from your wife? That's not love, that's not making love...I can't say what that is here (against TOS) but fill in the blanks.

I think you have unrealistic expectations. Chill out. You have a wife and 4 little kids now. Time to realize that your hormones are not front and center in this marriage.

I wholeheartedly disagree with you sex is a very important part of a Christian marriage.