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Need Advice-Husband Porn Addiction-Please Help

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by agape13, Sep 13, 2013.

  1. agape13

    agape13 New Member

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    Hi Everyone- I really need some advice. My husband has been battling with Porn for years, ever since we dated. Had I known at the time what a strong hold porn has on someone I would have never chosen to get married. I have been married for 8.5 years and together over 10. This is my second marriage.

    The last time that I caught my husband watching porn was on his cell phone and he was looking at dating sites as well. I have never caught him on a dating site(meaning his profile), but I hate the fact that I to "watch" over him like a 2 year old is ridiculous . I asked him to seek biblical counseling(or else I would divorce him) and he did go(this after about 20+ times of finding porn on the computer and phone)....VERY RELUCTANTLY. He got to the point every Thursday when his Celebrate Recovery was that he would be irritable and blame me that he "has" to go. He would also say that he was not as bad as the other guys always comparing himself to them saying, "I'm not half as bad as them. I have never hired a prostitute". I wasn't sure whether to give him an atta boy or a gold star after that comment. :thumbsup: It got to the point every Thursday we would argue so much about the class that in the end it was easier to go back into our old rut and have him not go. I couldn't stand the complaining and constant bickering to get him to go.

    The final straw was when I went on vacation to visit my family. His work would not give him the time off so I went by myself. When I got back his phone had most of the history gone except for the last two days which were filled with him looking at dating profile and then also a live web cam. When I questioned him about it he said that they weren't even good looking anyway so why should it matter. :confused: :doh:

    Yesterday, I check his phone and he went to lunch twice with his co-worker. I understand he works in a predominately women ran industry (nursing) and I do know that often times he sits with women in the cafeteria which doesn't bother me. He was on jury duty(not at work, no cafeteria) and saw her so they decided to go to lunch. The texts were innocent in nature, but on the heals of less then a week of him checking out dating websites and live web cams his lack of judgment and insensitivity to my feelings really makes me feel like he could care less if he hurts me.

    My heart is hardening towards him and I am not letting him in as much. I told him the only reason why I do not get a divorce from him now is not due to my undying and eternal love for him, it's because I am completely embarrassed to be divorced twice.

    So my question is.....do I give him another chance and what should be my boundaries if I do?
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2013
  2. seeingeyes

    seeingeyes Newbie

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    You already set your boundary:

    Are you willing and able to uphold that boundary?
     
  3. agape13

    agape13 New Member

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    Seeingeyes, thank you for the reply. I am willing to uphold that boundary. I guess I was thinking I should have him go to the class and then we'll got from there. He promised me that he would not complain anymore, but yesterday was his first class and he said he "forgot" to go. Bottom line, is I am embarrassed to be divorced twice and I am not sure if porn is considered adultery. In my mind it is, but I am not sure if it is biblically. Any thoughts on that?
     
  4. Inkachu

    Inkachu Bursting with fruit flavor!

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    Darling, I would be out the door. Or if it's easier, his clothes would be on the doorstep and the locks would be changed next time he comes home from work.

    Remain married and separated and seek counseling if you think you still want to fight for this marriage. IMHO you have grounds for divorce; this man has cheated on you via porn, if not via physical sex (all the "lunch dates" with female co-workers make me VERY suspicious) already.

    Every day that you allow this to continue, you are allowing this man to emotionally beat the crap out of you. You. Do. Not. Deserve. That.
     
  5. agape13

    agape13 New Member

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    Thank you for your response. I would love to change the locks, but with us both on the title for the house, the police would let him back in. I think I may go the separated route. I hate to end in divorce, but in the end that would be much better then walking in on him with someone or ending up with an funky disease (which thank goodness I have never had)!

     
  6. Quasicentennial

    Quasicentennial Member

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    The porn industry statistically speaking would have been banned long ago if it lead so many individuals, young or old, towards mental or physical health problems if it became as serious as taking illegal drugs, or committing evil crimes such as murder:.
    Unfortunately, the porn industry appears so far to escape such universal ban, simply because it is equivalent in most cases to be similar to taking an anti-depression type of medication drug or herbal vitamin tablet such as ginseng for positive sexual confidence, especially for those who have reached middle age such as myself:.
    That's the strange irony about porn that it is a confidence booster to escape the harmful experiences associated with depression and anxiety, and if your husband does not show any signs of such a negative emotional attack then feel fortunate of a sigh of relief that this atheist-like view of porn is an effective emotion oasis:.
    From a Christian perception, sexuality will be replaced with spirituality when Jesus returns to defeat Satan, and when Jesus is victorious, such powerful victory would stop sexual emotions, whether those feelings are heterosexual or homosexual as we become accustomed with our new transformed memory-perfected intelligent minds and perfectly shaped bodies so that we will experience the supernatural abundance of peace and joy that far exceeds sexual pleasure that comes and goes, as we socialize with Jesus inside the most advanced free-for-all home accommodation city: the kingdom of God on a new Earth Rev 21:2 .;'*';.
    :liturgy:
     
  7. seeingeyes

    seeingeyes Newbie

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    If you find that you are not willing to uphold that boundary, then you should tell your husband and apologize for dropping the 'D' word unnecessarily. There's no way for him to trust you if you can't keep your word about something so important. I'm not saying that to condemn you, but just to encourage you to be very honest with yourself and with him.

    All of this 'babysitting' that you are doing is completely on you. It's not your job to change your husband by chasing him down and making sure that he's 'being good'. What you can do today is take a deep breath, and just say to yourself, "I'm not doing that anymore". And don't. You are driving yourself and your husband crazy, and there is no benefit to doing that at all.

    If your husband desires 'accountability' on this issue, then he needs to seek it out from another man who has been in the same spot and can advise him properly (and also not be hurt by your husband's honesty as you would be).

    Being embarrassed about being divorced twice is simply not enough glue to hold a marriage together. Shame might prolong your marriage for another 5 or 10 years if you let it, but it doesn't foster trust, or love, or kindness, or selflessness or any of the fruits of the Spirit, so if you stay for that reason, you're not earning 'brownie points' with anyone except busy-bodies who would happily play the role of judge, jury, and executioner. Whether they are worth impressing is, of course, up to you.

    For myself, a porn addiction like you are describing would be a dealbreaker for me, whether or not it meets some 'official' definition of adultery or not. If my husband is unwilling to make even the first step toward resolving something that is killing my soul, then in what sense is he my husband? If that is a weakness of mine, or a function of my own insecurity, then so be it. I treat my honey's insecurities with both strength and kid-gloves, so I don't feel any qualms about expecting the same from him. (And I say all this as a woman married 15 years, through both hell and high water, who is very pro-marriage.)

    Our Lord said that the Law of Moses allowed a man to divorce his wife "because your hearts are hard". Well, hearts haven't changed in the last 3500 years. If you choose to stay, be sure that you are doing it with a soft heart, eager to love and quick to forgive. If you have hit your pain-tolerance, then get yourself to counseling and talk about these things with someone you can trust before you make the decision to stay or go. Make sure you know what you are willing and able to do before you draw any more lines in the sand.

    God bless you sister. I'll be praying.
     
  8. ezeric

    ezeric HE loves me too.

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    Dear Agape13

    What a source of struggle this is for both of you. Dont kid yourself, it bothers him as much as it bothers you...he just might not be open enough to admit that, as he is constantly defending himself with this ongoing problem.

    I am not saying this is you or your problem, but allow me to be frank...and please I don't expect you to comment (if you don't want to) I get that.

    But I've been involved with ministry and prayer groups for years, my wife and I continually help and share with couples and singles as the LORD opens doors.

    One of the devils tricks that we see constantly (although not every case) but often enough is this manipulation between husband and wife.

    Husband will try to control the wife with money or pay cheque or finances (sorry in Canada, we spell check as cheque). Anyway he controls the funds and gives 'ye' or 'nay' to all the major purchases, or not allows her to get what she needs/wants.
    He keeps tightening the purse strings and/or her freedom and a equal part of marriage.

    She controls him by withholding the bedroom and intimacy.

    When biblically his body belongs to you and your body belongs to him. 1 Cor 7:4
    And you need each other, and not to deprive one another. 1 Cor 7:5

    This isn't often taught because of the sensitivity that is around it. But the scriptures speak of it and there is healing in it ...actually life in it...but it works by trust and putting the needs of the other before self (in all things). And you grow in this trust and love, really its a 'sacred trust', and not a one shot deal by any means.

    This (from our perspective) a HUGE problem with the Saints and an answer by GRACE that we've seen WORK! (as long as we let go of self & pride).

    Praying for your family...

    -eric
     
  9. agape13

    agape13 New Member

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    Hi Eric- I couldn't agree more. My mother gave me such a gift when I got married and said, "Whatever you do, never withhold intimacy" so I don't. I don't think that should be used as a weapon and that would only push him further from me. He doesn't control the checkbook that is a mutual decision between us. Clearly this is a bigger issue, perhaps he doesn't want to be close to me. Thank you for your prayers.
     
  10. agape13

    agape13 New Member

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    Seeingeyes- Thank you for your reply. I agree, never engage with a divorce topic unless you expect to follow up with it. I did drop the D word and I meant it. I would never use it unless I was at my absolute breaking point and I am there. I do plan on following up on it if he does not get some help. My plan of action is to seek a counselor myself and have him go next Thursday to Celebrate Recovery. If he doesn't, I will seek a legal separation. I have to stand by my word and let him know that I mean it. This behavior will not be tolerated anymore. You are right about my insecurities about being judged about possibly being divorced twice. I need to work on that. Thank you for your reply. It really helped. :0) Thank you for your prayers too!
     
  11. ezeric

    ezeric HE loves me too.

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    Wonderful and you have a WISE Mother! That is awesome and good!

    Prayers - you got them, and the LORD is going to give you Wisdom as to what to do, exactly what to do!

    If I can talk about sin briefly here, because his (hubby's) sin really is bad, but sin is sin, & when we sin we are slaves to it - and he (hubby) and all of us, prove that.

    But when we get under law (according to Paul in Romans 5) we INCREASE sin and when we fully get under GRACE sin decreases!

    I ministered to a married christian man, that left home to visit family, only to fall into sin (you name it, this guy did it) something he wouldn't have dreamed of doing. Came home a wreck and feeling condemned. His wife, forgave him fairly quickly and easily which was GRACE working through her, as it was quite the triad of sins while he was away from his wife.

    But I told him, your forgiven and GOD has forgiven you past present and future. GOD is not counting sins against you, and declared you not only forgiven but perfect (righteous) in HIS sight.

    He asked what many ask (they asked Paul as well). Its this, 'well if I am loved so much, what would stop me from going back to this wicked sin, since GOD loves me and forgives me anyway'. And so I told him "then do it! Go back to that so called life then! You are still loved by FATHER and HE is not holding your sins against you - JESUS died for them, once and for all - so go back to that then, if you want!".

    Did he?

    Of course not.

    LOVE held him! and does to this day...

    So we learn in scriptures that from GOD'S standpoint we are forgiven 100% and even of future sins.

    But Paul pushes it further, saying we are not only forgiven (which is incredible) but we are also JUSTIFIED (meaning in GODS eyes, your husband and you have NEVER sinned). See Romans 3:24 for 1 passage, there are more.

    When we start to see ourselves un-conditionally loved and experience GRACE like that (not just knowing about it) but experiencing it...sins just fall off!

    But as we teach you law - you must do this, you must not do that (law) porn increases! (actually every sin does) because law is the power of sin. 1 Cor 15:56

    So we teach GRACE because that is the GOSPEL (good news).

    Still praying...

    -eric
     
  12. Scott1979

    Scott1979 Grateful

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    I'm so sorry you are going through this. My "father" was addicted to porn and from what I learned when I was younger if the person doesn't admit they have a problem and that they want help for it, you are fighting a losing battle. It sounds to me that he doesn't want to go to the counseling that was set up so in turn it is safe to say he doesn't pay attention when he is there. All that is coming from that is a bunch of resentment. As stated until HE DECIDES he wants help you are in a no win situation. You have to decide you deserve to be happy and do whatever it takes to get that way. You deserve better then this. God Bless you.
     
  13. Inkachu

    Inkachu Bursting with fruit flavor!

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    Honey, in a case like this, that does not apply. This man has betrayed and is repeatedly betraying your trust and your heart, and possibly risking your physical health as well, if he's been with other women (STD's, etc). You do not owe him your body right now. Trust comes first. I would immediately stop being intimate with him, until you decide what you're going to do about your marriage and get a clean STD test result on him.
     
  14. shawnavery

    shawnavery this space for rent

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    I would tend to agree with this. Just my opinion. Prayers for you and your family

    John 3:16
     
  15. Poddie

    Poddie Newbie

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    Oh, I would say your husband is inching closer and closer to infidelity.

    The longer a spouse puts up with any offending behaviors, the more it gives off the impression that it will be tolerated. Your husband is mistreating you and doesn't seem really pressed to change because he doesn't think you will leave him. And, you acknowledged that you have no desire to divorce from your second marriage; however, it really doesn't seem like he will continue to remain faithful to you the longer you stay in the marriage.

    From everything you stated in OP, it seems like the writing is on the wall.
     
  16. Poddie

    Poddie Newbie

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    Concur.
     
  17. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

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    I also agree with Inkachu. I never felt right about the "do not deprive" doctrine in Christian counseling. It's place is when both spouses are on the same page, even if things aren't perfect. But you're dealing with something very foundational to your marital covenant, and quite frankly, the "do not deprive" mentality may be what has prevented you from taking definitive action that is WAY overdue.

    I suggest Dobson's Love Must be Tough. Or just get alone with the Lord and seek His peace. He doesn't want you entangled in emotional messes that tie you down. Of course, marriage is profound, and we should not deal frivolously with it. But the situation you describe is far from frivolous. I also think that all this snooping has gone way too far. And that has happened because that definitive action is overdue. Sometimes drawing the line in the sand serves to wake the other person up to the fact that he is about to lose something valuable.
     
  18. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's

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    Your husband is not showing the slightest interest in getting over his sexual addictions. In fact, he is obviously fighting you on this every step of the way. Itis useless for you to be checking up on him and has to be very stressful. That kind of behavior, since you asked for advice I will speak frankly, can be a form of addiction in itself. If he wants to cheat with porno or live women, he'll find a way. He's probably an expert on that by now.

    Even if he says he is giving up porno, why should you believe him? Hasn't he lied to you over and over? If this man would have a true born again experience, and you would see him asking you for help, him being cooperative in counseling, him confessing (without your prompting) that he wants to get over pornography and sexual sin in general, then I would say give him another chance.

    If he ever does come to that level, again since you asked for advice I would say ditch the t.v. Even the commercials are filled with sexually titilating behaviors and most on t.v. is filled with unrighteous things absolutely contrary to what is in Scriptures. How can someone fight sexual impurity and watch scantily clad women and sexual scecnes? Garbage in, garbage out.

    I will pray for you to be given wisdom and guidance in this area and for your husband to be convicted and want, on his own, to get over sexual sin, not on his own efforts (which will always be fruitless in the end) but in the strength of Messiah.

    And P.S. as far as being concerned about being divorced twice, with your husband's behavior, it wouldn't seem surprising to me if he just up and left with another woman some day. If he shows no true signs of wanting to change, why wait until you are older and will have gone through even more heartache? You did not mention if you have children with him. That would be another issue, but in all things, prayers for wisdom and guidance, maybe some (healthy, not too strenuous as it can be bad for the adrenals) with fasting, can work wonders.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 14, 2013
  19. ulu

    ulu Senior Member

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    Porn is not the same as doing the deed with someone. It's not adultery, though it may seem similarly painful to the person who's trust has been betrayed.
    IMO, husband checking out dating sites is a bigger problem because the women are clothed there-it's about the potential to actually meet and get to know them.
    I'm sorry to hear of this situation.
    In addition to praying of course, I would suggest getting opinions from more than 1 pastor, or christian psychologist specializing in these type issues.
    Again, my heart goes out to you-I know that betrayal of trust in the sexual arena is especially painful
     
  20. Conchobar

    Conchobar Newbie

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    What does porn do other than inflame the desire to indulge?
    What is the fruit of indulgence?
    What is the fruit of sexual intercourse?
    Does a perpetual desire to consume pornography have any congruences with the original fruit of righteous sexual intercourse?

    Indulgences require more and more to satisfy.
    True Sex is used for two things (two types of fruit) - 1 the strengthening of bonds and 2 the act of procreation.
    These two things were designed by GOD to accompany one and other. When sexuality is observed righteously, it is healthy.

    When sexuality is observed in any other way it is a perversion, disgraceful to GOD. Running counter to GOD's intention.

    Your husband must be willing to admit these these things and agree with them - seeing the truth in them, before he will be able to change his conscious outlook.
     
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