Need advice about the Christian way to deal with people who hurt you or who you don’t like

[Tinkerbells]

I got married almost exactly a year ago to a wonderful man. His father is great and has always been nice to me, as well as one of his sisters. Unfortunately, I have not had very good luck with his mom and other sister and I need some advice on how to be a Godly woman regarding this situation.

One of his sisters was nice to me prior to us getting engaged. Suddenly, after I asked her to be my bridesmaid, she began being a little rude and disrespectful, even talking behind my back. There was nothing I did. I remember her wanting things a certain way for the wedding and when I said no, she was upset. (As a side note, I was a very chill bride, no bridezilla.)

After getting married I continued to reach out to this sister who has not had a job in almost two years and has suffered from depression (as have myself). She always told me how she was doing and about how hard her life was, but hardly ever asking about me. When I would volunteer to her that I was struggling with also not having a job or even getting interviews, she would say: “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ll pray for you.” and then I wouldn’t really hear back until I had to reach out to her again about her life.

I have given her lots of advice and really tried being there for her but she does not reach out to me. I am so hurt because I feel like I was totally used by her and I feel she is so selfish. I have recently texted her saying “Hey, just checking in. Sending positivity and love your way.” and I got nothing from her. I have also written her on FB one time asking if she had an issue with me and she said that she was sorry and that she had been busy helping her friends with their issues.

I am so angry at how much she has totally ignored me or not reached out, even with both of us in the same situation (both struggling and both needing help), regardless of how much I’ve tried being there for her. I have expressed my anger about her to my mother and husband and I have apologized to God about this.

I don’t know what to do. I am so upset that I honestly want to delete her from Facebook. I don’t see how you can write someone off that is family by ignoring them and their pain. I am angry and hurt by her and I don’t know how to go about this. As mentioned above I asked her why she never reaches out to me, but only to talk about herself. Now she doesn’t reach out to me at all, and has recently ignored my text.

She currently is living with her parents and they are spending 4 grand a month on her. She goes to Disneyland, Hockey games, etc with their money, yet she can’t lend me a helping ear because she is too busy with her friends and her issues?

What do you do when you feel disrespected by someone? Also, I feel I have lost a ton of friends after getting married (even Christian) and the struggle is real. I am lonely. I don’t have a job, and I feel I am not cared about. I am so confused about this all because I feel I have been there for so many people, with an open, authentic heart and yet it’s not being reciprocated. Is God possibly hardening peoples hearts towards me? I have asked God if there is anything sins I have needed confessing, and I have confessed, but this lack of friends thing is getting out of hand and I don’t know what to do.

 

[ValleyGal]

One of the great things about marriage (should be) the fact that you can count on only one person to be there with you through all of life - your spouse. All others will come and go. Very few people have the same friends all through life. They move on and grow or go in different directions, but the spousal relationship is supposed to be the one relationship that should remain stable, secure and together through life.

While it is important to be respectful and polite when you are around his family, there is nothing saying you need to be friends with them all. If you have tried and she has not reciprocated, then perhaps the in-law relationship is all you will ever get from her and it will be time to move on to make friends with other people.

What happened with your friends after you got married? How has it happened that you have lost them?

 

[Tinkerbells]

One of the great things about marriage (should be) the fact that you can count on only one person to be there with you through all of life - your spouse. All others will come and go. Very few people have the same friends all through life. They move on and grow or go in different directions, but the spousal relationship is supposed to be the one relationship that should remain stable, secure and together through life.

While it is important to be respectful and polite when you are around his family, there is nothing saying you need to be friends with them all. If you have tried and she has not reciprocated, then perhaps the in-law relationship is all you will ever get from her and it will be time to move on to make friends with other people.

What happened with your friends after you got married? How has it happened that you have lost them?

Thank you so much for your kind words. My husband reminds me constantly that he will always be there for me, regardless of others. It was a nice reminder to read that from you. I do think at this point I might need to let my sister in law go in terms of trying to be her friend. The lack of reciprocity was hurting my self esteem and I think I’m more upset because I don’t feel I deserve it, given how I’ve been there for her. But that is just childish of me to think that way.


Regarding my friends, this is where I am truly confused. I heard from them within the months of my husband and I getting married. They just kind of checked in and asked how married life was, but that was it. I was unable to get together with friends in the first five months because my husband and I went quickly to graveyard schedules (he’s a police officer) literally a week after we got married. I apologized sincerely to friends about this transition, but continued to reach out to them via phone and they slowly stopped contacting me back.

In January, once my husband and I were on a normal schedule I tried again reaching out to friends, only to be ignored or told yes, but never any follow through. Even a Christian woman, who I met in a ministry met with me once, but stopped talking to me after that (even after I asked if everything was OK-she said yes, but still has not reached out to me again).

I have had friends my entire life, many whom have come and gone and others for many years, so this is absolutely disheartening for me. Most of male friends, especially, have completely stopped talking to me as well and I thought our bond was strong.

Most of my friends are not Christian or are Christian, but not strong Christians. Not sure if this makes a difference. The woman I met in ministry is a strong Christian, so that is the one that is really throwing me off. I would love to hear what you think may have happened. The loneliness is beginning to get to me and It’s difficult to just throw myself out there after so much rejection lately.

 

[ValleyGal]

No one can say for sure what is happening with your friends. Are most of them married? If not, maybe they think that you do not have so much in common with them anymore. As for male friends, unless they are also friends with your husband, this is a natural thing happening - they probably see it as inappropriate. Imo, it is a good thing they back off now that you are married. There should be no reason at all for your husband to ever feel jealous about your friendships with them.

The friend you met in ministry...are you both still involved in ministry? Often when the thing that brings you together is removed, the whole friendship may end, or at the very least, change. She may still be very involved in ministry and have less time to spend with friends. Also, you may not know about some of the other things going on in her personal life. She may have other things that require her attention right now.

While it feels like there has been actual rejection, that may not be the reality. When people get married, it is natural for friendships to change. Do you have any friends who are married? Maybe now is a good time to connect more with them. Or you can also make new friends by joining a ladies' bible study or book club, or anything else that interests you. You could start a new volunteer position, etc. It's also important to make couple friends as well.

 

[madera23]

Thank you so much for your kind words. My husband reminds me constantly that he will always be there for me, regardless of others. It was a nice reminder to read that from you. I do think at this point I might need to let my sister in law go in terms of trying to be her friend. The lack of reciprocity was hurting my self esteem and I think I’m more upset because I don’t feel I deserve it, given how I’ve been there for her. But that is just childish of me to think that way.


Regarding my friends, this is where I am truly confused. I heard from them within the months of my husband and I getting married. They just kind of checked in and asked how married life was, but that was it. I was unable to get together with friends in the first five months because my husband and I went quickly to graveyard schedules (he’s a police officer) literally a week after we got married. I apologized sincerely to friends about this transition, but continued to reach out to them via phone and they slowly stopped contacting me back.

In January, once my husband and I were on a normal schedule I tried again reaching out to friends, only to be ignored or told yes, but never any follow through. Even a Christian woman, who I met in a ministry met with me once, but stopped talking to me after that (even after I asked if everything was OK-she said yes, but still has not reached out to me again).

I have had friends my entire life, many whom have come and gone and others for many years, so this is absolutely disheartening for me. Most of male friends, especially, have completely stopped talking to me as well and I thought our bond was strong.

Most of my friends are not Christian or are Christian, but not strong Christians. Not sure if this makes a difference. The woman I met in ministry is a strong Christian, so that is the one that is really throwing me off. I would love to hear what you think may have happened. The loneliness is beginning to get to me and It’s difficult to just throw myself out there after so much rejection lately.

 

[madera23]

You sound like a very needy person.
Why are you so needy?
not enough attention as a child
It might be something you need to ponder.
madera

 

[Tinkerbells]

You sound like a very needy person.
Why are you so needy?
not enough attention as a child
It might be something you need to ponder.
madera

My husband says those things voluntarily. I never fished or asked for them at all. When he has said those things, I have told him countless times that he is not supposed to be my only friend and that it is not fair to him, if he’s the only friend that I have. The fact that I can acknowledge that my husband should not be my only friend is in and of itself not a needy statement. **However, It is nice to hear him and someone else say that, and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that when you are going through a period of loneliness if your life.

I am, and actually have, been very independent my entire life. It’s difficult, of course to come across that way in a message where I am talking about how I’ve lost all my friends and I can see how you would assume this.

When you have nearly all of your friends disappear for reasons that are not explained, I can assure you that you would be hurt. It doesn’t come from a place of neediness. It comes from a place of hurt and confusion.

 

[madera23]

[QUOTit comes="Tinkerbells, post: 68352303, member: 378980"]My husband says those things voluntarily. I never fished or asked for them at all. When he has said those things, I have told him countless times that he is not supposed to be my only friend and that it is not fair to him, if he’s the only friend that I have. The fact that I can acknowledge that my husband should not be my only friend is in and of itself not a needy statement. **However, It is nice to hear him and someone else say that, and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that when you are going through a period of loneliness if your life.

I am, and actually have, been very independent my entire life. It’s difficult, of course to come across that way in a message where I am talking about how I’ve lost all my friends and I can see how you would assume this.

When you have nearly all of your friends disappear for reasons that are not explained, I can assure you that you would be hurt. It doesn’t come from a place of neediness. It comes from a place of hurt and confusion.[/QUOTE]
No, I

 

[madera23]

[QUOTit comes="Tinkerbells, post: 68352303, member: 378980"]My husband says those things voluntarily. I never fished or asked for them at all. When he has said those things, I have told him countless times that he is not supposed to be my only friend and that it is not fair to him, if he’s the only friend that I have. The fact that I can acknowledge that my husband should not be my only friend is in and of itself not a needy statement. **However, It is nice to hear him and someone else say that, and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that when you are going through a period of loneliness if your life.

I am, and actually have, been very independent my entire life. It’s difficult, of course to come across that way in a message where I am talking about how I’ve lost all my friends and I can see how you would assume this.

When you have nearly all of your friends disappear for reasons that are not explained, I can assure you that you would be hurt. It doesn’t come from a place of neediness. It comes from a place of hurt and confusion.

No tinkerbell, it comes from a place of needyness.
Yes it hurts, but, you need to look at the needyness.
If people dont want your friendship there must be something wrong with your approach.
it is like an unfullfilled hunger and it scares people.
again, sit quietly and just ask God why.
Let me know what you discover.
FIrst stop trying, maybe you won.t turn people off.
in the meantime it is fine just to be friends with your husband
You need to be thankful you have such a husband.

[QUOTit comes="Tinkerbells, post: 68352303, member: 378980"]My husband says those things voluntarily. I never fished or asked for them at all. When he has said those things, I have told him countless times that he is not supposed to be my only friend and that it is not fair to him, if he’s the only friend that I have. The fact that I can acknowledge that my husband should not be my only friend is in and of itself not a needy statement. **However, It is nice to hear him and someone else say that, and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that when you are going through a period of loneliness if your life.

I am, and actually have, been very independent my entire life. It’s difficult, of course to come across that way in a message where I am talking about how I’ve lost all my friends and I can see how you would assume this.

When you have nearly all of your friends disappear for reasons that are not explained, I can assure you that you would be hurt. It doesn’t come from a place of neediness. It comes from a place of hurt and confusion.

 

[Tinkerbells]

No tinkerbell, it comes from a place of needyness.
Yes it hurts, but, you need to look at the needyness.
If people dont want your friendship there must be something wrong with your approach.
it is like an unfullfilled hunger and it scares people.
again, sit quietly and just ask God why.
Let me know what you discover.
FIrst stop trying, maybe you won.t turn people off.
in the meantime it is fine just to be friends with your husband
You need to be thankful you have such a husband.

No, I

[/QUOTE]

I agree with your post in terms of sitting quietly with God. I appreciate this advice and I will implement in. However, I have to let you know that I have not continuously reached out to people at all. I am not the type of person to pester someone over and over to hang out or contact me. I try once, possibly twice and then I let it go. My husband on the other hand, will call, email text, call again, text again, etc until he gets a hold of his friend. I am not like that at all. My husband has lots of friends. I’ve often actually assumed that maybe I don’t try as hard as I could, but I think that’s preposterous.

Anyhow, I completely disagree with the neediness because I don’t bagger people whatsoever. When I get the hint someone is not interested, I move on. I truly don’t think either that you understand the situation or that I’m explaining myself clearly. That is neither of our faults. Thank you for the advice.

Oh, and I am thankful for my husband. Of course I am...He’s a wonderful man!

 

[madera23]

I agree with your post in terms of sitting quietly with God. I appreciate this advice and I will implement in. However, I have to let you know that I have not continuously reached out to people at all. I am not the type of person to pester someone over and over to hang out or contact me. I try once, possibly twice and then I let it go. My husband on the other hand, will call, email text, call again, text again, etc until he gets a hold of his friend. I am not like that at all. My husband has lots of friends. I’ve often actually assumed that maybe I don’t try as hard as I could, but I think that’s preposterous.

Anyhow, I completely disagree with the neediness because I don’t bagger people whatsoever. When I get the hint someone is not interested, I move on. I truly don’t think either that you understand the situation or that I’m explaining myself clearly. That is neither of our faults. Thank you for the advice.

Oh, and I am thankful for my husband. Of course I am...He’s a wonderful man![/QUOTE]

 

[madera23]

You say you are not baggering people. But you are repressing and baggering within yourself.
It is a neediness. Good luck.
MADERS

 

[ValleyGal]

Tinker, fwiw, I think you sound completely normal. You have had and kept friends on and off throughout your years, showing that you are capable of having and maintaining friendships. And it's normal for women to want to be liked and accepted by their husband's family. Human beings have been created to live in community with others. It is not needy to admit that you need friendships. We all need each other. That is called interdependence, and it is healthy. I'd venture to say that if your husband is at work all day, you likely have a greater need for girlfriends than those of us who work and/or have children because you are likely alone all day. None of this means you and your husband are not friends - of course you are! But people definitely have a need to live in greater community and have a few close friendships. Don't be discouraged... reach out, show people you care, get involved in your community, and you will naturally be drawn to some people more than others, and friendships will form.

 

[Tinkerbells]

Tinker, fwiw, I think you sound completely normal. You have had and kept friends on and off throughout your years, showing that you are capable of having and maintaining friendships. And it's normal for women to want to be liked and accepted by their husband's family. Human beings have been created to live in community with others. It is not needy to admit that you need friendships. We all need each other. That is called interdependence, and it is healthy. I'd venture to say that if your husband is at work all day, you likely have a greater need for girlfriends than those of us who work and/or have children because you are likely alone all day. None of this means you and your husband are not friends - of course you are! But people definitely have a need to live in greater community and have a few close friendships. Don't be discouraged... reach out, show people you care, get involved in your community, and you will naturally be drawn to some people more than others, and friendships will form.

Thank you so much for this kind and uplifting message. You are one of the few that have been kind on this forum site. I’ve come across a lot of bullies (bullying myself and several others) and I’m not sure why. I will take your words and do my best to get myself out there again. I know it’s hard, but necessary. Thank you again Valley Gal~

 

[football5680]

If you cannot reconcile the relationship and it seems like this is the case, you should simply avoid her.

 

[Odetta]

Tinkerbell, I agree with ValleyGal on this, in that it is natural to want to have fellowship with other women and count them as reciprocal friends. There was a time in my life where I felt lonely like you. For me, it was a time when God was wanting me to grow closer to him. Didn't mean that feeling lonely for human companionship didn't hurt, but God had things to teach me, and once learned he allowed friendships to develop and he comforted me in the meantime. Perhaps he is doing the same for you.

 

[madera23]

Thank you so much for this kind and uplifting message. You are one of the few that have been kind on this forum site. I’ve come across a lot of bullies (bullying myself and several others) and I’m not sure why. I will take your words and do my best to get myself out there again. I know it’s hard, but necessary. Thank you again Valley Gal~

LUKE: 6:32

 

[WalksWithChrist]

Thank you so much for this kind and uplifting message. You are one of the few that have been kind on this forum site. I’ve come across a lot of bullies (bullying myself and several others) and I’m not sure why. I will take your words and do my best to get myself out there again. I know it’s hard, but necessary. Thank you again Valley Gal~

I will roll two themes into one. The first is how your SIL is, second how you are treated here. I deal with both those types of scenarios about the same way. And that is to not allow others room in my life to make me miserable. For example, I just saw someone (they must be fairly new) make some messed up comments towards you...so I Ignored them so I won't see their posts anymore.
As for people that I know that have a tendency to make me miserable, I have started doing something similar. For me, I can't take much more negativity than I already have in my daily life. I don't need anyone else heaping it on. For those, like possibly some of your old friends, that have given me something positive, I do make an effort to keep up and I am often rewarded for my efforts. But the ones that treat me like dirt? As the meme goes, "ain't nobody got time for that!"

You are important and your feelings matter. Don't choose to direct yourself towards those that aren't even pretending to care about you. For a while there, my wife was the only person I talked to and hung out with. It took a while, but I managed to carve out a nice place for myself in life.