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My wife's ex-boyfriend:emotional adultery?

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by gxp22, Mar 2, 2005.

  1. gxp22

    gxp22 New Member

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    I am extremely worried about my 12 yr old marriage and I have been looking for someone to talk to. We have 2 beautiful daughters that we both love.
    My wife accidently left her email account open on our computer and I found several emails from her ex-boyfriend to her. (Her emails to him were deleted). Their relationship supposedly broke off 13 years ago when she caught him in a sexual relationship with another woman. I came into the picture around that time, fell in love, and got married to my wife. Well, I was mildly shocked to find that she has been in contact with him since we got married. I say mildly because I knew that she did talk to him on the telephone about 6 years ago to check on his family, who she was very close to. She had too much to drink and made the call, unaware that I was listening. I heard their conversation in which she told him that "he made a big mistake" ...."my husband is a such a wonderful man, why did you screw everything up, etc.." But she also said she loved him and thinks about him all of the time. When I confronted her the next day, she didn't believe she said those things to him and blamed it all on the alcohol. I was hurt and jealous and angry but trusted her, but not ever completely. She said "I am with YOU, I married YOU, not him". I am still insecure and feel she might be staying with me because of her marriage vow and our kids, but not really have me as her only love.
    The new email messages I found from him to her started (on Feb 21) "did you call me and hang up this morning.... I thought of you when it happened and I was just checking (although I probably shouldn't since its been about a year since we talked). She then sent him a message which I do not know the contents. His follow up message said "wow, I can't believe you still are talking to me since its been so long".... "if I am a whoremonger, so be it if that is what it took for you to get over it and move on" ....."you didn't think I remembered Feb 21, but I was aware because of after what happened last year, the date has burned in my mind".. and thank you "for your tips on those books and movies".

    I don't know what Feb 21 is. Is it the day they broke up? A sexual rendevous from last year?
    Do I confront her about this? How can I trust her? Should I trust her? I just don't know what to do, but I have been paying about this non-stop. Please pray for us.
     
  2. juliegirl

    juliegirl New Member

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    Wow...hmmm...well..you might NOT want to do this...because your wife would probably get mad at you when and if she finds out about it...BUT..this is just a thought...since she left her email open, you could send him an email (ummm, he'd be thinking it's from her)...and "talk" about that Feb. 21st "date" that's so "burned into his mind"...and send an email asking him..."and just WHY would that be burned in your mind...? how was THAT so special...?" Then, print it out, so you have a copy of what you sent, but then delete it...and just see what happens....see if he responds with another email back to her...If I found emails from my husband to one of his ex-girlfriends like that....I would be checking the phone bills, etc..., and doing some snooping of my own b4 I said anything to him....Maybe this isn't the best idea for you to do...BUT...just a thought...Will be praying for you....
     
  3. Diane_Windsor

    Diane_Windsor Senior Contributor

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    Trust and communication are both major keys to any successful marriage. I speak not from personal expierence, but from observation. Both sets of grandparents were married 50+ years, and my parents 30+ years. In fact, trust and communication are keys to any successful relationship such as friendship, business partners, etc.

    You need sit down with your wife and communicate to her your feelings of mistrust in a loving and Christian manner. As her husband you have a right to know why she is has been secretly communicating with an ex-boyfriend for the past 12 years. Frequently use "I" statements as to not put her on the defensive.

    Did your wife have strong feelings for this man at one time?

    Marital consueling may be neccessary for the two of you.

    Diane
    :)
     
  4. Diane_Windsor

    Diane_Windsor Senior Contributor

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    Actually, the first thought that crossed my mind is that perhaps she wanted (subconsciously) to get caught by her DH.

    Anyway, why should anything this significant remain private between spouses? :scratch: In my observations neither my grandparents nor parents have ever kept anything (especially something like communication/contact to an ex) from their respective spouses.

    Diane
    :)
     
  5. Lorie

    Lorie New Member

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    How far away is the ex?? Sounds like they have unresolved issues.

    I would do some snooping first then confront her. If u confront her right now she will just deny it. and you need to know the truth...... that is if you really want to know the truth??
     
  6. Diane_Windsor

    Diane_Windsor Senior Contributor

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    :confused: Why are you assuming that the wife will deny it? In situations like these I think it is prudent to at least grant the spouse the opportunity to come clean first. Regardless, he still needs to communicate his feelings of mistrust to his wife. Whether or not he brings up the emails is a judgement call on his part I think.

    Diane
    :)
     
  7. Yitzchak

    Yitzchak יצחק

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    I will pray for the two of you. Trust is a crucial thing in marriage. One way or another, the two of you need to get to that place of trust. Without trust, your marriage will suffer whether there is an affair or not.
     
  8. Southern Cross

    Southern Cross Conservative Republican Hippy People Shooter

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    Confront her in a respectful manner. There are ways to let her know that you have knowledge of whatever happened on February 21st without disclosing how little you really know. Make sense?

    It's YOUR marriage. Protect it. Save it. Dig up information if you think more is going on. Do what you need to, don't let this go and don't give up control.

    I know you are hurting. Been where you are, and worse. Hang in there. Pray that God gives you wisdom, discretion and strength to deal with this. He is faithful and will see you through this!
     
  9. JulesM

    JulesM UK Female

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    I'm not married (although its just round the corner) so I don't know how qualified I am to give advice...

    However, my opinion is that you should come clean about what you read (she might get angry with you and claim violation, etc - but she might also be relived at the opportunity to talk).

    Tell her calmly what you read, and how its made you feel. Tell her you have questions, and ask her if you guys can talk it through. Please stay calm, try not to be tearful or angry (although you'll prob feel both) - that way she can't flare up either (because she'll be making herself look unreasonable).
    She may get angry and defensive at first, but persist with her. This is your marriage - its your top priority. You have a right to know what's going on, but you need to handle it sensitively - without accusations and assumptions (right now you DON'T have all the facts).

    In fact if you guys can open this issue up - although it will be hard, you may find its a massive relief for both of you...I pray it would bring you closer.
    If once its out in the open you guys are struggling with it - maybe consider marital counselling.
    :prayer:
     
    heartnsoul likes this.
  10. gxp22

    gxp22 New Member

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    Here is some further information on my post. The ex-boyfriend lives about 2.5 hours away by car. I cannot send him an email posing as her because I do not know her email account password. I have decided to try to find out more information before having a long talk with her in a calm and Christian manner.
    We undoubtedly will need marital counseling in the future.

    However, I would like to further share some information about our situation and her previous relationship with her boyfriend. Before I met her, when she was 17, my wife got pregnant with her boyfriend and had an abortion. (The abortion took place in October, not Feb 21). I knew about it before I asked her to marry me and we have talked about it a few times. She felt that at 17, she was a totally different person, and that her boyfriend kind of influenced her to have the abortion. She told me she knows it was wrong. I am also sorry to say that when I married my wife, she was pregnant with my first daughter. We are now Christians and are struggling with our past sins and the mess they have created. Although we both made a mistake by having premartital sex , we never thought about abortion. I am not sure if my wife wants to talk about her abortion since I was not involved with this decision, but perhaps she does?....I will find out in my talk with her.

    Her communication with her ex-boyfriend for 13 years says to me that she cannot accept her breakup with him, doesn't want to break from him, or it could also be that she wants to try to keep him informed on her married life to show him what he could have had (revenge). I agree with everyone posting that our marriage should be totally open and not have any secrets such as these. That is why I was so hurt when I found the emails. I also realize that I am at fault too for not communicating. Five or six years ago I told her I was hurt by her communicating with him, and she assured me that there was nothing going on. I am afraid she will blow off my concerns again to keep some kind of relationship with him (which I am against since I take "forsaking all others" literally). If anyone has any further advice, please post it. So far, this has been my only outlet to spill my emotions out. Thank you for all of your prayers. I am praying for God to give me strength in this matter.
     
    Diane_Windsor likes this.
  11. heartnsoul

    heartnsoul Don't settle for less than God's best!

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    Hello. I am sorry to hear the struggles you are faced with right now. You had already once told her about your feelings about her communicating with her ex five to six years ago. Well, I guess she honored your feelings for a few years, and now it appears she's back to communicating with him again. I think it may be in your best interest to just go ahead and have an open, honest discussion with her. Why wait? Some situations are just going to feel awkward unpleasant no matter how long you wait. The longer you wait, the more anxiety and worse you may end up feeling. I know you must feel like there is a pit in your stomach and you are scared of what the outcome could be. Whatever it is that you fear, you need to conquer that fear by openly communicating to her. Like Southern Cross mentioned, confront her in a respectful manner. Maybe say that you happen to walk by the computer and saw the email left open and read what it said. (that is the truth, right?) Let her know upfront that you're sorry for reading what it said because she may use that as an argument against you saying that you were snooping and don't trust her.

    Like Yitzchak mentioned, trust is important. It's the foundation of any relationship. As the husband in your marriage, you have the right to defend your marriage and defend the idea of both of you respecting the marital vows. I pray that God gives you the peace, comfort, strength, and courage to do the right thing and the wisdom to speak the truth in love. I also pray that God convicts your wife to honor her marriage vows to you and respect your feelings. I hope your conversation with her goes well. Keep us posted. :angel:
     
  12. Lorie

    Lorie New Member

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    ok here is a thought is Feb 21 maybe when the baby would have been due??
     
  13. bliz

    bliz Contributor

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    At this point, your failure to talk with her now is the same a lying to her. Tell her you read the e-mails, (I also don't think it was a pure accident they were left open) tell her what you are thinking and feeling and tell her, if you know, what you would like to do and how you would like things to proceed. Getting all of your ducks in a row or gathering additional informatin is not going to help the situation of help improve your relationship with your wife.
     
  14. Svt4Him

    Svt4Him Legend Supporter

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    Huh? You can take all the time in the world, you are not lying. And if your wife gets mad at you for reading that, it is an attempt to take the focus off what she's done and put it on you. I'd suggest saying "let's deal with this issue first, then we can address the secret email accounts" As for emails, I was in a simular situation a while ago (thank God we are through it) but a simular thing happened, and I can tell you 100% that I wish I didn't leave my emails open. No deep desire to get caught, no playing the mind games, just an honest mistake. But it did teach me though that someone with nothing to hide hides nothing.

    I am sorry to hear about this situation. My wife and I now have open access to each others email, we both know each other's passwords, but it almost killed us to get to this state. It wasn't easy, but we were both willing to work on what was needed.

    As for the sick feelings, they come and go. When it's all over, they will soon leave as well, no matter what the outcome. It's something time heals.

    I will say a little prayer for you as well.
     
  15. 72_Chev_Truck

    72_Chev_Truck Cookie Monster

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    allthough it is highly untrusting, at one time i was dating a girl and she was talking to this one guy all the time... she kept saying all the pet names and junk was a joke.... until i installed a key logger on my computer, it tracked passwords, conversations, emails, websites, pretty much anything. got her password and checked it all the time, she was cheating on me but i didnt care, we had talked about marriage alot and im glad i didnt go through with it