1. New: Christian Forums Staff Recruit Video.- It's that time of year again. We are having our annual Staff Recruit Drive. Simply ask any staffer to help you apply and enjoy the video...
    Dismiss Notice
Dismiss Notice

Welcome to Christian Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Christianity in a friendly surrounding.

Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
  • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
  • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting after you have posted 20 posts and have received 5 likes.
  • Access to private conversations with other members.

We hope to see you as a part of our community soon!

My wife says she doesn't love me anymore

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by Jesus Freak62, Jul 6, 2010.

  1. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    2
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Constitution
    Faith:
    Christian
    We've been married 13 years, and have a 12 year old son and 9 yr old daughter. We both said we would not marry unless it was of God. Well God saved me (she was already saved) and a year later we were married. I have always tried to let God take control over my life. I love the Lord more than anything, even my wife. Back in December, she told me that she didn't love me anymore, and that I didn't love her unconditionally. I asked how she came to that conclusion, and would she like to go with me to christian counselling. She said no to counselling. I asked her for forgiveness, but she has yet to forgive me. Since then, she has been keeping company w/ a couple of divorced female friends. At least one of them, she has begun drinking alcoholic drinks with(she never drank alcohol w/ me). I am 47, and she is 38. I have told her that divorce is not an option for me, but I believe she is seriously considering it(she has threatened to take the children and leave a couple of times). My allegiance is to God, and I feel as though I have been putting him first in my life. I have tried to put my wife second, but over the years she has avoided intimacy w/ me. At the present, she is still living w/ me, but that is about all. She only speaks to me when she has to. I am at a loss of what to do. I have read books on marriage,and love languages, but if she is not willing to do anything to save the marriage, what am I left to do, other than pray?

    I will be going to counselling myself, this Thursday.
     
  2. pilgrimgal

    pilgrimgal Jeremiah 29:11 It's good!

    Messages:
    5,670
    Likes Received:
    777
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Protestant
    Sounds like you are doing what you can to save the marriage..Mainly you need to keep in fellowship and continue praying. And hopefully the counseling you are receiving will help you gain added insight into the situation.

    From what you say your wife doesn't want to work at the marriage and is developing interests which do not include you. And it does take two to make it work. This could change especially if you show her the example of remaining strong in your own faith. Examining your own heart as to how you are reacting to her and doing that on a daily basis is good. Even though you may feel justified to react to her silent treatment and activities with anger..remember that will not work and could make matters worse.

    peace and prayers..:prayer:
     
  3. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

    Messages:
    24,484
    Likes Received:
    761
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Charismatic
    Find guys who have been in this situation and have saved their marriages. Ignore the advice of everyone else.
     
  4. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

    Messages:
    16,759
    Likes Received:
    783
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Anglican
    What was her answer to your question about how she came to the conclusion that you don't love her unconditionally?
     
  5. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

    Messages:
    18,497
    Likes Received:
    749
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Others
    Faith:
    Lutheran
    A little side point, I don't think even the strongest romantic relationships are really what I would term unconditional love. I think only parent/child relationships reach that.

    I don't love my wife unconditionally nor does she love me unconditionally. For example cheating on them would be an example of a condition that may cause us to lose love for one another. Abandonment is another condition that causes that. Since our relationship has those conditions, I don't qualify it as unconditional love. In fact our love for eachother while strong is something that is very conditional.

    The point of all of that is that I think she's trying to make up excuses so that she can, at least in her mind pin this on you. I would keep doing what you are doing and see if maybe God can help turn her around. Unfortunutly you can only change yourself and you should probably seek to find out if there is anything you can change about yourself that would realistically help the marriage.

    There may be nothing you can do, because it sounds to me like she's decided that its over and isn't terribly interested in reconciliation. But that should not prevent you from trying.

    Sorry this is happening to you.
     
  6. ziggy29

    ziggy29 Junior Member

    Messages:
    402
    Likes Received:
    12
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Libertarian
    Faith:
    Lutheran
    It makes keeping the trust that is vital to a strong marriage difficult. Yet when Jesus commands us to love each other as ourselves in Mark 12 and Luke 10, there are no conditions placed on it as in "Love your neighbors as yourselves unless they....."
     
  7. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

    Messages:
    16,759
    Likes Received:
    783
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Anglican
    Absolutely. There is a difference between trust and love. Love is required for everyone...regardless of the situation. Trust is not required...especially if someone has given reason for us not to trust.
     
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2010
  8. Bosco_Guy

    Bosco_Guy Guest

    Counsling is a great step. Pray, pray, pray some more, and when all else fails continue to pray. Prayer isn't just something we do to make us feel better...prayer works...prayer changes hearts and moves mountains. Love her and care for her and when she bends you over backwards and continues to not show you love back continue to love her. In the end IF she leaves you and forces a divorce what can you do when the law forces you?

    I am praying for you brother :pray: stay strong!
     
  9. bliz

    bliz Contributor

    Messages:
    9,393
    Likes Received:
    1,014
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    Counseling, even when only one party is going, can help improve a marriage. I'm glad you are taking that step. Keep up the prayer!
     
  10. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    2
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Constitution
    Faith:
    Christian
    There really wasn't an answer. If I had to guess, she has been struggling w/ her weight/eating habits. She is 5'4" and weighs about 185lbs. When we got married she weighed about 145lbs. I know as a christian, I am not supposed to love her only for her looks, but I must admit, even w/ the weight gain, she normally doesn't do anything to make herself physically attractive to me. Even w/ all that, I am trying to love her unconditionally.
     
  11. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    2
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Constitution
    Faith:
    Christian
    I will be meeting w/ our pastor this Thursday @ 0130pm CST. I am feeling all of your prayers, and I am requesting that you all will pray for me especially @ the time I meet w/ my pastor.

    I left my wife a note before leaving for work this evening, basically asking for forgiveness again, and praising her for the things she does for me and our children. I restated to her that I am in this for life, and hope that she will stay in this for life too.

    I feel as though my/our walk w/ the Lord has been stunted because of our lives being lived more in the flesh than in the spirit. My hearts desire has always been for us to walk in the spirit together, growing in our faith and trust in Christ. I can only go so far, personnally in my walk w/ Christ. I need my wife to come along my side. We really have never prayed together, and she definitely is not willing to do this now.

    I have been able to read a devotional w/ the children most nights, and they actually look forward to it.:amen:

    Thanks for the prayers!:bow:
     
  12. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    2
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Constitution
    Faith:
    Christian
    I have been leading a small group for men for the past 9 years. I can't say they have all been in this situation, but some have, and believe me they are praying for me. Thanks!
     
  13. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

    Messages:
    16,759
    Likes Received:
    783
    Gender:
    Female
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Anglican
    This is NOT TRUE. Don't allow any person to hold you back from having the fullest relationship possible with your LORD.
     
  14. Duckybill

    Duckybill New Member

    Messages:
    2,732
    Likes Received:
    59
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    God can change hearts, including your wife!

    Act 16:31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.
     
  15. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    2
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Constitution
    Faith:
    Christian
    Your right. What I was trying to say was as far as our marriage was concerned. I know I can go on personally w/ the Lord, I just feel we have lost out on experiencing his desire for our marriage.
     
  16. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    2
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Constitution
    Faith:
    Christian
    :amen: AND :amen:
     
  17. Mrs. Luther073082

    Mrs. Luther073082 Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3

    Messages:
    30,298
    Likes Received:
    1,209
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Lutheran
    Maybe she thinks it is pointless to try making herself look good anymore? Do you think she is dealing with depression?

    What things are/were you doing to show her your love?
     
    pilgrimgal likes this.
  18. BranwenUerchLlyr

    BranwenUerchLlyr Veteran

    Messages:
    2,408
    Likes Received:
    303
    Faith:
    Other-Religion
    What sort of conversations/arguments lead up to her statement that she is going to leave and take the kids? Some unlikely answers:

    Husband: I love you.
    Wife: I'm leaving and taking the kids.

    Husband: Forgive me, and let's work through this.
    Wife: I'm leaving and taking the kids.

    You seem to be doing the right steps now, but there was no discussion of arguments had or things said in the past that may have lead up to this current state. There could be nothing and it's all on her, or there could be a lot of legitimate reasons for her reactions. We obviously can't dispense sound advice without that knowledge.
     
    pilgrimgal likes this.
  19. Jesus Freak62

    Jesus Freak62 Newbie

    Messages:
    52
    Likes Received:
    2
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Politics:
    US-Constitution
    Faith:
    Christian
    I have been accused of not being a good listener before. Since we got married she has never opened up to me.

    I spoke w/ our Pastor yesterday, and he advised me to ask her who she has been texting( she does that alot more than talk w/ me). Hopefully she would be more than happy to share that w/ me. He wants me to ask her where she wants to go from here, because what we have is not a marriage (his words).
     
  20. Mandy_S

    Mandy_S Newbie

    Messages:
    278
    Likes Received:
    26
    Marital Status:
    Married
    Faith:
    Christian
    Continue to pray and be a godly husband no matter what..and if you haven't seen it, watch Fireproof..Also get the Love Dare book and follow it...Even if she refuses to pay attention to anything you are trying to do.
     
Loading...