My GF's mom hates me. How do I handle this?

[JacksonIsAwesome]

How's it guys.

My girlfriend's mom really doesn't like me. I have no idea why, but she doesn't. I have done nothing to offend her, ever. She seemed to like me and then all of a sudden I wasn't allowed in their house. She's had, maybe, 5 conversations with me in her life, so she doesn't even know me properly, but she wants nothing to do with me, and she doesn't want her daughter with me either.

It's getting to the point where she passes a nasty comment to my GF about me almost every day, and it's putting a lot of strain on our relationship.

She's convinced that this relationship is but a flash in the pan, that it will end at some point, and she treats it as such, constantly telling my GF about "nice guys" and so on. When my GF says "Mom, I have a BF", her mom simply says "No you don't. That's not a BF".

Now, I'm 22 years old, and my GF is 20. I think we both deserve better than this. We've never done anything stupid like sleep together or anything like that, or anything that would lead her mum to believe that we have, but this woman still hates me.

So I've decided that I'm going to speak to her next week, but I'm trying to find a good way to do this. Her mum and dad are missionaries, so I really want to do this with biblical backup. Her behavior is most certainly not biblical, but I can't exactly say that to her face.

Any advice?

Thanks guys

 

[The Nihilist]

Try getting her pregnant. Mom's love that.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

Talking to her is the right thing to do if you're serious about having a relationship, but do so in the right attitude. Don't walk into it being offended or defensive, but more inquisitive and ready to help them understand who you are and why you think you will be a good match for their daughter.

Parents have many reasons not to like guys... maybe what you do for a living, how you look, how you present yourself, etc. A lot of times, it can seem shallow, but when you understand that a parent wants only the best for their children, it makes more sense. You just have to show them how good you can be and open their eyes a little.

 

[The Nihilist]

Talking to her is the right thing to do if you're serious about having a relationship, but do so in the right attitude. Don't walk into it being offended or defensive, but more inquisitive and ready to help them understand who you are and why you think you will be a good match for their daughter.

Parents have many reasons not to like guys... maybe what you do for a living, how you look, how you present yourself, etc. A lot of times, it can seem shallow, but when you understand that a parent wants only the best for their children, it makes more sense. You just have to show them how good you can be and open their eyes a little.

Unless she thinks he's a wuss, in which case that won't work at all.

The real answer is you're 22 and she's 20, and her mom's not supposed to like you.

 

[favoredbyGod]

My ex-boyfriends mom was the same way and she also was a minister. She would say evil things, actually she would threaten to kill me because she thought that I was planning this fictional "attack" against her, I tried to ignore it, but it did put such a strain on the relationship that I ended up walking away from it.

 

[Johnnz]

That's not easy. My mum did not really approve of my choice. It made for a lifetime of difficult and often painful relationship, which eventually required me imposing very limited contact with her.

John
NZ

 

[Luther073082]

I agree with Niobium.

I would add that I think you need to get to the heart of what it is about you that she doesn't like.

It could be something as simple as insecurity about her daughter dating. In which case she may talk about "nice guys" all day long but until she deals with said insecurity no guy would ever be good enough or nice enough to date her daughter. Or there could be a problem with the way you look or act.

And while on paper its not right to judge a person based on how they look, I can guarentee you that if I had a daughter and she brought home someone with a green mohawk that was covered with tattoo's, I would immediatly have a very very strongly negative impression of him and that would be a very very large deficit to make up.

Could be other things too such as background or even what denomination you belong to.

Now in terms of using the bible, I would be very careful with that. Running in there spouting off bible verses and claiming they arn't behaving biblically I don't think is the proper way to start this off. Everyone sins, no one can maintain the bible perfectly. If you spout bible verses its going to sound to them like "You are a hypocrite" which is immediatly going to put them on the defensive.

However I think it would be better to go and say "Listen I know that you have a problem with me, or there is something you don't like about me, and I'm just confused cause I have no idea what it is." Approach it with a "hey lets work this out" type of demeanor. Often times that lowers someone's defenses to where they can look and see the logs in their own eyes. This shows that you are open to hearing their issues with you rather then running in there like "I haven't done anything wrong, you are a hypocrite". Putting someone on the defensive like that only makes things worse.

 

[Fishyygirl]

Took me years to admit similarities, but think about what you did to charm your gf, and charm the mom the same way. They most likely enjoy the same things

 

[The Nihilist]

Luther is probably right

 

[gzt]

These are a few things which may not apply to you at all, and it's impossible to know here:
1. Are you coming between her and her daughter? I mean, that can be a good thing or a bad thing. If you're married, well, their relationship ought to change, since you ought to be her closest confidant, for instance, and the mother could resent that. On the other hand, if you've just been dating a week, the mother would probably be right to be suspicious.
2. Does/did your girlfriend complain about you to her? Sometimes people vent and don't realize that what they said may be half of what this person ever heard about the subject of the venting, which blows things out of proportion. A friend of mine once told me about how her boyfriend had stalked her when they were first going out and discussed suicide if they broke up. She was also chronically unfaithful to him. She had difficulties understanding why I had little respect for their relationship. Her mother hated him, too, and if she had told her about any one of those things (she likely did), then I would certainly not be surprised at the reaction.
3. How are you pursuing her and does that differ from her mother's expectations? I mean, are you pursuing her with the intent to figure out whether to marry her and her mother doesn't think she's ready? Or maybe the other way around? Either one could make her think you're bad news (either wasting time with her daughter or trying to marry her off too young).
4. Are you a loser or a punk? I'm only half joking here. But, compared to societal expectations, how do you fit, and does that fit what her mother might be after? I'm not saying you should be a winner or clean-cut, but this could be a source of strife if the two of you differ.
5. How are you as a Christian? Again, depending on where her mother is, the "right" answer might not be the "best" answer...