Minor, but sometimes troubling

[LovebirdsFlying]

Advice would be appreciated. I'm not here to complain about my husband. He's doing absolutely the best he can, and he's a good man. I'm asking for suggestions for coping skills.

When he's at work, of course, he's at work. I stay home. I am not medically cleared to have any other job.

When he's at home, he's usually watching TV or playing games (Pogo) on the computer. Of course he needs time to unwind. I don't begrudge him that. It's just that I have very little of his company.

Some of the games he plays, I can join in, especially if it's some kind of word game. Others are designed for only one person to play, and then of course that's what he would be focused on. When he's watching TV, it's usually either crime dramas or "reality" shows. The older shows on classic TV don't trigger my severe PTSD as much, but the newer ones are maybe a bit too realistic, and sometimes I can barely tolerate watching them. The History Channel "reality" shows, which I know are actually just as scripted and edited as any sitcom, are upsetting to me too because no matter what the subtext, most of the interaction seems to be centered around the characters backstabbing each other. Whatever dialog doesn't have to be beeped out altogether is just full of insults. Watch Shipping Wars, one of his favorites, for a good example. I hardly ever hear anybody on that show say a kind word about anybody else. And Pawn Stars, another one of his favorites, is less about the historical artifacts and more about seeing how many insults they can cram into one episode. I know, audiences aren't going to tune in to a TV show and watch people cooperating and encouraging each other. Conflict is drama, so if it isn't really there, they'll make it up. I've seen enough of it already in my life, and I don't want to see any more of it, but I'm not going to expect him not to watch.

So, if he's watching something I just can't take another minute of, I have to either leave the room or do something else like be on my laptop or knit. Which means, we're not spending time together. We're beside each other, but not with each other.

The kicker is when I want to talk to him, but I respectfully wait for a commercial, only to find out he's watching on-demand and fast-forwarding through the commercials. So I don't even have a full minute allotted to talk to him. If I say something, he'll pause it, but then act like it's a frustrating inconvenience.

When he's done watching TV, he goes right to bed. If I want to talk then, of course, he's trying to sleep. He has to get up in the morning, and go to work.

All I'm asking for is a little bit of conversation. Am I being unreasonable? Or is it that I'm just a boring housewife who has nothing interesting to say?

 

[All4Christ]

You aren't being unreasonable. When you marry each other, you agree to take care of each other, no matter what. That means putting each other first.

My pastor always told us that yes, we as wives are supposed to submit to our husbands - but that only works if he is willing to follow the other part of the passage (see below). Just as Christ died for us, our husbands are called to "die" for us figuratively, as they put us before themselves. Likewise, we do the same.

That is how the partnership works. When we put each other first, then we can work out our marriage in harmony. You can't have one do that and not the other, if you don't want an unbalanced relationship.

I didn't see in your post anything about talking to him about it. Have you don't that? I'd suggest taking to him about it and expressing your feelings. Holding them in won't help your relationship. What you are asking is completely reasonable. Could you ask him to eat dinner away from the TV at the dinner table together? Perhaps have a night each week set aside for a date night?

I understand the difficulty you have, as my husband commutes 2+ hours a day for one way (4+ total a day). I feel bad asking him to spend extra time as he is extremely tired. However, we have worked it out that we found some shows we both like, and we both offer to the other the chance to watch the shows each other like. We also found a few other relaxing activities other than television and make sure to do those together. It has helped us a lot, since we had started to go down a similar path earlier.

Marriage is work - for both of you...and I am guessing that if he knows how you feel, he will try to change that, as often our spouses just don't realize that what they are doing is hurting us.

Just my 2 cents

Wishing you the best of luck and I will pray for you both!

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing[a] her by the washingwith water through the word,27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church

 

[.chrys.]

Could you leave him a note asking him to set aside 5 minutes of time for just discussion? And then, be prepared...make sure what you'd like to talk about, then do so.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

We're all going away as a family this coming weekend. Not a long trip, just a four-hour drive away and then an overnight stay. We're going in two vehicles. My husband and I will ride in his pickup truck, and my daughter will drive herself, my nephew, and our honorary granddaughter in my car. (My honorary granddaughter is 18. My daughter almost married her father, and even though that didn't happen, she still chose to consider herself a member of our family, and continues to call us Grandma and Grandpa.)

So I told my husband how much I'm looking forward to it, and that even the four hours together during the travel will be nice. That will be four hours alone with each other. He hadn't thought of that. To him, the driving is just a way of getting there. I suppose he would think that way, since driving is what he does for a living. But now that I've mentioned it, he sees my point. There is just too much time spent next to each other, but not with each other, and honestly, I think he feels it too.

 

[Avniel]

Something about road trips that bring together a marriage

 

[WalksWithChrist]

When we cut cable a few years ago, one of the primary reasons was the awful shows you mention. I used to love History Channel, but it's just a reality network now. And I can't see paying for that. Those shows will rot your brain! I do have a soft spot for the alien shows...and those are on Netflix.

 

[Avniel]

When we cut cable a few years ago, one of the primary reasons was the awful shows you mention. I used to love History Channel, but it's just a reality network now. And I can't see paying for that. Those shows will rot your brain! I do have a soft spot for the alien shows...and those are on Netflix.

Vikings is a good show, the history channel has fallen off but every now and then there still is some educational programs. I'm a history nerd so I understand.

 

[annafullofgrace]

Perhaps on the road trip you can brung up your concerns. There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with your husband. I'm not sure how open your relationship is...but honesty with a gentle heart is always best. We must carve out time for our spouses, it's so important for a good marriage.