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Masterbation in a sexless marriage

Discussion in 'Struggles with Sexuality' started by khuleman, Jun 4, 2011.

  1. khuleman

    khuleman Newbie

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    Is it wrong to imagine your wife naked and masterbate as a way of pleasing yourself because she always says she doesnt feel like having sex?I love my wife and have tried talking about our sexless marriage which she doesnt seem to think is a problem.I sometimes go for 6 months without sex but its affecting me and i still remain loyal and never cheat but i miss sex.How long can i rely on masterbation and isnt this a sin.I try to fantasize about her only but it can be difficult as well.I feel rejected.
     
  2. Hisbygrace

    Hisbygrace Carried On The Wings Of An Eagle

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    MOD HAT ON
    Thread moved from "Questions About CF" forum.
    MOD HAT OFF
     
  3. Ishraqiyun

    Ishraqiyun Fanning the Divine Spark

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    I'm not big on giving people advice on how to live their life but for what its worth I don't think its a sin. You might want to look into seeing a sex therapy counselor with your wife. Witholding sex from a marriage partner is a form of abuse unless both partners agree to refrain. I think that was one of the things Paul was getting at here (though it also has a deeper spiritual meaning as well):

    "But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. " 1 Corinthians 7:2-5
     
  4. Robin Shawn

    Robin Shawn Guest

    I believe it is wrong. From my experience, masturbation causes sickness: when I stopped masturbating, I began to recover and feel better. Also, many people masturbate and feel a natural guilt about it, the Holy Spirit convicting. At first, I didn't feel any guilt, but then the Holy Spirit convicted me.

    My advice to you is pray about it and seek God earnestly.

    Shawn
     
  5. I don't think it's wrong if it's your wife you are fantasizing about only. And if she is not doing anything in those fantasies that you know she would not ever do.
     
  6. cw1911nr

    cw1911nr Newbie

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    Masturbation is, in the end, not satisfying. It is better that you fantasise about her as opposed to other women, of course, but it just makes you want her more and increases your frustration.

    1. I would immediately start working on stopping masturbation altogether.
    2. Talk to your wife. Perhaps agree to a period of abstinence for you both to pray and seek Christian Counselling.

    Once sex is off the table, it can be a relief and remove most of the tension. This can give you both time to heal and get to the heart of the matter.
     
  7. d4deborah

    d4deborah Newbie

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    I agree with this totally, sex is something that is very special in marriage and provides acceptance as well as excitement in a safe and nurturing environment. I thank God for that gift for sure. Sadly my marriage broke up for totally other reasons and I do miss that side of things but do have some v fond memories
     
  8. Larry Mondello

    Larry Mondello Frequent poster

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    Am in a similar situation.
    I MB frequently, and frequently fantasize about past sexual times with my wife who unfortunately only gives herself to me once every 1-3 mos. It's driving me crazy.


    EDITED TO ADD:
    I don't think it's a sin or wrong to fantasize about your spouse in sexual situations you once enjoyed.
    Even find myself "speaking" the words we said to each other during such intimate moments/ memories.

    MB is fine, though some Christians disagree.
    However, one thing I'd recommend against:
    Don't MB to porn.
    That's a trap many men get into and thank God, I've been free of viewing and MB'ing to porn for nearly 2 years.
    Am not going back.

    Guys like you and I start feeling sorry for ourselves and rationalize the porn viewing due to her refusal.
    However wrong your spouse is in denying you your sexual expression, it's never a good thing to view porn, for a myriad of reasons.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2012
  9. eddy314

    eddy314 Trying to be a Non-Complex Guy

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    There is not an easy answer to this question. There are times when a release brought on by "self" relieves the tension and anxiety. Not only is there evidence that it is good from a physical standpoint (prostate health), but the release can reduce the level of frustration one feels with a less than satisfying sexual relationship.
    For years I have lived in a marriage that sex was not a priority from my wife's point of view. At times we have gone months without sex and I have struggled to come to terms with the "is it okay" question. Saying that masturbation is "Just wrong" is an oversimplification of the issue. Denying each other sexual satisfaction is "just wrong" but real life does contain shades of grey. Don't be too quick to make a decision for someone else, when you don't live in their shoes.
     
  10. eddy314

    eddy314 Trying to be a Non-Complex Guy

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    I would tend to agree with your response. MB while thinking of past experiences with your wife can be exciting. MB with porn films can create unrealistic expectations and frustrations.
    Sexuality is an area that we, as Christians, have tended to shy away from. We don't share much between couples that would help one another cope or hopefully correct the problems we face!
    Sex was designed by our Creator, do we really believe that He would want it to be rationed?
    The curious thing about sex is that it is like food. By that I mean, food may not be a priority in your life until you don't have any....then it becomes a motivation, then eventually and obsession if you don't have it. Sex, is quite similar. When it is available and shared between husband and wife it can be very beautiful and sustains couples, but when it is absent, because one partner is withholding it, then it becomes a very hurtful area.
     
  11. yanno the meek

    yanno the meek Newbie

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    My wife was the victim of a sexual assault when she was in her teens. I knew it when we got married but I had no idea how it would affect her (neither did she). Turns out, she doesn't want to be touched sexually in any manner shape or form. We spent untold thousands of dollars through the years but no dice. We had a sexless marriage for 18 years and when I say sexless I mean *nothing*. Enjoyment? MB is the only thing that kept me sane. But it eventually drove me to commit adultery. So I don't know what kind of answer that gives you but there it is.

    Everything is back to normal now, except the sex, and we're doing as well as ever.
     
  12. Deelmo

    Deelmo Newbie

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    Masturbation is wrong. It leads to desensitizing yourself. This is not the reason God built you the way he did. And it does NOT promote prostate health. This is just media propaganda to get you to lower yourself to worldly standards. Most urologists will tell you that there is no physical need for "release". Since the testicles are not a GLAND but a glan, they will release on their own through body absorption or nocturnal emission. And it doesn't matter what you are thinking about if you are MBing, the bottom line is you are thinking about YOURSELF. That is selfishness. God did not give us any burden we cannot bear. Be strong. You are commanded to love your wife and keep only to her. I agree that she is in sin, but that does not make it OK for you to be in sin. Try to bring her to Christ.
     
  13. Justin Thearea

    Justin Thearea Newbie

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    "Is it wrong to imagine your wife naked and masterbate as a way of pleasing yourself because she always says she doesnt feel like having sex?I love my wife and have tried talking about our sexless marriage which she doesnt seem to think is a problem.I sometimes go for 6 months without sex but its affecting me and i still remain loyal and never cheat but i miss sex.How long can i rely on masterbation and isnt this a sin.I try to fantasize about her only but it can be difficult as well.I feel rejected."

    The last phrase of your question is the biggest problem I see in your marriage. You and your wife made vows to each other "before God and man" to forsake all others and cleave to each other. (Or words to that effect, I presume.) There is a whole boatload of 'stuff', good stuff, that goes with that, including the only sexual relationship you can have that God can bless. And your wife, in refusing/neglecting to willingly join you in that part of your relationship is, in fact, rejecting you. The reason you feel rejected is because you ARE being rejected.

    To get an indicator on God's perspective about sex look at the account of creation. When He was creating this marvelous universe in which we live He proclaimed that everything He created was either good or very good. The first time ever in the existence of His creation that He said that something was not good was when He noted that Adam was alone (Gen 2:18), so He created Eve. And it's not hard to imagine Adam saying something like, "God, it's all been good up 'til now. But this is VERY good! Thank you!"

    Having said that, I will acknowledge that it doesn't answer your question: Is it wrong to imagine your wife naked and masturbate? Short answer: No.

    In the entirety of God's Word, particularly the Law, virtually every kind of sexual activity you can imagine is addressed. Adultery, relations with siblings, parents, close relatives, animals... You name it, there's a passage or verse that relates to it. EXCEPT masturbation. Every other form or kind of human, sexual activity is addressed in God's Word except that one. And I think it's safe to say that it is, at least for men, an almost universal experience. (I believe Gary Smalley once said that 95% of men masturbate, and the other 5% are lying.)

    (The story of Onan, the man that God killed because he, "...spilled his seed on the ground." was not about masturbation. It was about Onan refusing to raise children in his dead brother's name.)

    So my advice to you is don't get bound up in the condemnation that goes with 'masturbation is sin'. Realize the limitations of that 'freedom', though. Looking at porn, imagining having relations with someone other than your wife, or even imagining doing things with your wife that you know she would never want to do, while you masturbate, is moving into sinful territory.

    Once you get that clear, then you can move on to the real problem, which is that you are being refused by your wife. I encourage you to pray - a LOT - for your wife and your relationship. You say you sometimes go for up to six months at a time without sex with her. That sounds like a good amount of time to concentrate on reading and praying . Seek God and His direction and involvement in this situation. Pray for God to bless her, and pray that He opens a door of real communication between the two of you, with Him as the doorkeeper.

    You don't say how long you've been married. Hopefully, not too long, and this situation you describe is part of the 'shakedown cruise', and God will shortly help the two of you develop a strong relationship with Him and each other that will be an example to the world of what Heaven can be like

    God bless you! And may He receive all the credit and praise. I'm hoping to hear good feedback!
     
  14. CTBill

    CTBill Newbie

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    I'm dealing with it myself, only I haven't had sex in three years. She is atheist, so I can't even quote scripture to her. There are other issues with her as well. I won't get divorced. I can't change her. I'm stuck and leaving it to prayer and God for a change. Though it causes me daily issues with both sadness and temptation--ie masturbation.
     
  15. wheelchairman85

    wheelchairman85 Newbie

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    I personally don't think your doing anything wrong as long as your only thinking about your wife. But for goodness sake only think about your wife while you masturbate.
     
  16. CounselorForChrist

    CounselorForChrist Senior Veteran

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    Sex is much more satisfying. But none the less I don't think MB is wrong as long as your thinking of your wife. Also realize though MB can ruin a relationship if you are avoiding sex fo the wrong reasons. I do know some couples that mutually MB as a way of avoiding sex on those days when your just not up to it. But to each his own. When your married theres no way to sin as a couple when it comes to sex, well as long as your ONLY with each other and thinking of each other.
     
  17. RobZ

    RobZ Newbie

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    We have been married for 5 years now we are both still young 29. We had an very exciting and intimate sexual relationship until my wife was pregnant with our first child, then she said her hormones or body has changed since been pregnant.
    She no longer have the need/or feeling to do it anymore, and when we do it is more just because she feel like she need to do it to please me. If I’m lucky this happens every 4 months maybe. She has no interest to go and see someone that can help us with this, she say I just have to accept the fact that things has changed and that she is does not have the same desires she had before because of the change in a female body after pregnancy. I lived on MB but now that I truly started to get my relationship with God right and now it does not feel right anymore, MB is not what God planned for us as men in a marriage. I tried talking to my wife about this so many times but every time is end up in a fight as she say I’m just thinking of myself and my needs as a man, and that I need to respect her needs and changes. I truly try to but I miss the intimate feeling between us. And I have no interest to cheat my wife and all I want is to have this the way it used to be between us or better, as I believe we as humans need to build things and relationships to better and not to worst. Please can we ask a Woman to give us guidance on this subject and to learn us men how we can maybe bring this conversation up with our wife’s so that they understand our needs but not feel that we are just men wanting sex, but that it is truly something deep inside our hearts that we want. Please I need advice. I have started praying to God about this today, and awaiting his wisdom and guidance.
     
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