Marriage In Trouble

[BornForHim]

Please help! My marriage is in trouble and I am desperately in need of help, advise and prayer!

I am a man in my forties who loves the Lord and my wife dearly. But recently things have been getting rocky in our marriage. She is 6 years younger than me and this is the 2nd marriage for us both.

When we first met things were amazing and our relationship went from strength to strength. But since then she seems to have changed a lot. She also says that I have changed a lot too. And I am constantly asking the Holy Spirit to show me how I've changed and what can I do to be a better person for her.

At first, our love life was amazing and we would make love almost every night. At times, she would initiate our love-making too which made me feel wanted. For the last 2 years however things seemed to have slowed down in that area and have now got to the point where it's been months since we have been intimate. I feel rejected and unwanted in this area and my needs are being neglected. I long to meet her needs in this area but she doesn't seem to have any which makes me feel as if she doesn't feel anything towards me. Every night we get into bed and 'peck' each other good night then she turns her back to me. If I cuddle up to her or hold her, she pulls away and moans that she is too hot. Even in Winter! This is even when I just want to hold her and not have any sexual contact. I fall asleep feeling rejected and alone. The other night she even forgot to say good night and kiss (peck) me! A wife forgetting to say good night to her husband! That hurt a lot!

When we first met, I did drink quite a lot (maybe 2-3 pints every night before bed - too much in my opinion now) yet she seemed happy with that at the time and even had a drink with me too now and again. But it then emerged about a year ago that her ex used to get drunk all the time and never come home at night and this put her off me. She suggested that I only had a drink at the weekends - an arrangement which I was really happy with too. Over the last month we've had family stay with us and I had a bit more to drink with them than usual whilst in their company. She told me a few days ago that she wasn't happy with my behaviour the last 3 weeks and that she was now unsure of whether she really wanted this marriage any more. I told her that I would stop completely if that would help but she said she didn't say that - she was still ok with me having a drink over the weekend. She has admitted that she has emotional baggage from the previous marriage and that her ex and me are two completely different people. I have suggested that we both see a marriage counsellor together about it which she agrees with and wants to do also. I have made enquiries for a local Spirit-filled Christian organisation to call us back and am waiting for them to respond.

This weekend we went for a walk to the beach. I wanted it to be a romantic walk, holding hands etc but we ended up arguing because I expressed that I felt she was always talking to me like dirt. She then said that now she feels she cant say anything to me because she always says it the 'wrong way'. At one point, we were walking and she said 'Are you sure this is the right way? I don't think it is!' even though it was. She stopped to double check on her phone map so I said that she should trust me a bit more and she laughed horribly at me, saying "Trust you?!". It made me feel awful. I then asked her what she wanted in this marriage and she said she didn't know anymore, but she then said she is still here and hasn't left yet so she still wants it to work.

This morning I got up early to pray and pour my heart out to God. I told Him all my needs and desires for my marriage, how I don't feel understood, how I feel ignored when I talk about how I feel about everything in my life, my walk with the Lord, my desire for revival, everything that makes me tick. My walk with God isn't where I want it to be but I feel as if it's brushed under the carpet because a lot of my frustrations and disappointments in my walk are hard to hear. My wife is going on strong with the Lord and she is very involved with our church yet when we are on our own I am unable to see God shining through. Almost as if church is her hiding place and not God Himself.
After she woke up, I took a cup of tea upstairs to her in bed and noticed that all her sexy underwear was in a pile on the floor. It was things that I had bought for her as well as stuff she had purchased herself too before we first met. She said that she was throwing it all out. It may be a really stupid thing for me to feel, but I felt really rejected because she knows that seeing her in it really turns me on.

I also try to be a good dad to her kids (from the first marriage) but my upbringing was stricter than hers and it has caused other problems in our marriage. I told her recently that I would no longer be a father-figure to the kids as I cant seem to get things right, and I'd take a step back and let her discipline them from now on. I would just be there for them if they needed a 'dad' to talk to or confide in. We also have a chore chart as we both work (self-employed) and sometimes I forget and she nags me. I say I am sorry that I forgot but she says I have to change more as she doesn't know how long she can go with it like that. I also tell the kids off for not doing their chores but then she nags me because I am not setting an example. I admit that this is one of my flaws that I am working on.

I no longer feel part of a team with her. I've told her that I don't feel loved by her anymore and her response is always 'Tell me what to do to make you feel loved!'. I say that I want to hold hands, to kiss, to pray together and read the bible together but none of this seems to sink in so I just tell her that she should know based on how we were when we first met and how she treated me back then, and if she really didn't know, she should pray about it. I just want her to be spontaneous and for our marriage to be a little adventure like it used to be. We both had a lot of intuition towards each other in that area yet now it seems as if she's not even bothered that it's no longer there anymore which hurts me.

Whenever we read the bible, she is always argumentative or talks to me as if I don't know what I am talking about, or what I am saying doesn't matter or is irreverent. It seems that only what she says is important. How can I be the head of this family under such circumstances? I mentioned her argumentative attitude the other day when I asked her something, saying 'Why do you always seem to want to conflict with me in everything I say or talk about? Why cant you agree with me for a change?'. Her response was weird. She was almost embarrassed as if I had touched a nerve. It is as if she wants to constantly correct me or treat me like a child and it makes me feel inferior. I then get paranoid thinking that she is getting kicks out of this. I told her that there seems to be some sort of pride issue and she just laughed it off, walking away.

We have very recently started a daily devotional for couples together called 'Night Light'. We take it in turns reading each night and then talk about how we feel about it together. This is only very recently so I don't expect to see the fruit just yet.

She also told me that I need to give her a lot of time and space and that I need to be patient with her while she works through some things. I am trying really hard but find it difficult dealing with the rejection all the time.

I remember how she used to look deep into my eyes and say 'I love you' but she hasn't done that for a long time. Last night I told her I love her and she answered quietly 'I love you too' but I always have to say it first. It hurts.

Please help! I love my wife with all of my heart and would go to the ends of the earth for her. Nothing I do seems to be good enough and I feel a times as if she hates me. The rest of the time, I feel as if we are just 2 'friends' living under the same roof and nothing more. I don't know what else to do or where else to turn and I am hurting and broken. I plan to get up early every day from now on and pray for her and also for me to change where I need to but it's so so hard!

 

[Johnnz]

Whatever the reasons are she needs to accept and endeavour to fulfill her biblical responsibilities as your wife. How she will come to accept that I don't know. Some people just don't want to confront some issues in their lives. The intimacy of marriage exposes our fallenness. It takes character and commitment to address our inner life, but to grow in Christ we all must travel down that path.

John
NZ

 

[BornForHim]

Many thanks for your input. I'd really value your prayers in this. Just to add that I'd appreciate prayers for both of us as we both have our mountains and struggles and I am striving to be a better husband too. God bless!

 

[ValleyGal]

Most women I've talked to, including me, are put off by sexual advances unless the rest of the relationship is meeting intimacy needs. Iow, I like being social with my husband, I need to feel close to him emotionally, I need for him to touch me in ways that are not sexual but still convey love and gentleness, our relationship needs to be in good stead and in a reconciled state. It seems neither you or your wife feel the relationship is in good stead, so maybe as it became less and less intimate in other areas, the sex and eventually the touching became less and less desirable for her.

Imo, accepting our spouse the way they are is one imperative key to keeping marriage. They need to be our best friend first - and that might mean for you to stop blaming her for so many things, and accept that she is the way she is. You can't change her, so don't even try. But you can change yourself, and how you respond to her. You mentioned a few times when you've been critical towards her. Stop it. Are you critical like that of your buddies? Probably not. Remember - she should be your best friend, so treat her like she is.

Make sure your expectations meet your behaviours. For example, on your walk you were hoping for a romantic walk, and then you said something critical and you ended up arguing, but then after doing something like that, you want her to blindly trust you? She might have been more inclined to trust you if you had not criticized the way she talks to you.

Both of you sound like you are blaming the other and being critical of each other without seeing how you (each) contribute to the marriage problems and addressing them. Rather than get upset by the things she says and does, focus on the things she does right and the strengths she brings to the marriage. And think about the ways you are harming the marriage and work on those. Let her work on her own stuff, without letting her get away with staying the way she is (the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend can help with this area). Get to know her all over again, get to appreciate the strengths she brings to the marriage and rather than be critical of the negatives, try expressing more gratitude for her strengths. Express interest in her life, ask about her work, find out what ways you can help support her in her work and in your home and marriage. Ask what kind of relationship she would like you to have with her children, etc. Do the things that she would find meaningful - but do not expect anything back, especially right away.

Most importantly, learn to love her like Jesus loves the church. Study biblical love, and implement those love principles into your marriage.

Also, there are a couple of really great programs, if you and your wife are interested - one is Retrauvaille, and the other is Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. You can google them each and find out about retreats in your area. Both are effective.

 

[barisvesevgi]

I’m just reading your post now, but I thought I could comment here because I can maybe help.

I stopped loving my husband over six years ago. We met once at church and for some reason a long time after I was having dreams of the man I will be in a relationship with. I had multiple dreams, so I took that as a sign that I had to find this man I once met. We married three months after I confronted him of my dreams. I thought it was God’s plan then and I still do now. Not long after we were married, we stopped going to church. My husband has turned out to be someone I would never want to marry if I had to choose now. His true colors did not surface until a few months after we married. He did some terrible things and so that changed my feelings for him and my desires. As I mentioned, I no longer love him and out of politeness, I informed him as well. However, he is the father of my second child and is a great one so I have learned to put my feelings aside. We used to argue once in a while, but when we did, he would run away and lock me out of the bedroom. He appears to have some psychological issues that I can’t put my finger on. I talked to his mother and she explained a lot about his behavior. I won’t go into details, but know there have been many issues that drew me away from my husband.

I do not plan on leaving him. I do give myself (sexually to him) although I do not want to. It is out of my duty as a Christian woman. The one time I don’t or am tired, he goes out with his friends and drinks, or drugs himself with beer and melatonin to sleep. I am what helps him sleep as he tells me. He will give me a major attitude the next day if he doesn’t get any. I try my best to keep him happy to the extent that I could, because it is hard to give my all when I don’t have romantic feelings for him. I avoid him because he is simply not well in his mind and we cannot have a discussion whatsoever.

Being part Italian and part Hispanic, keeping my mouth shut was the hardest thing to do, but it is through our Lord that I am learning to change my ways.
When he is [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed off or we disagree on something, I continue to be nice as if nothing happened (before I wouldn’t talk for days to him).

I find my joy when I go to church with my little one or when I am studying the Word. I find companionship with God. I find my peace when I can talk to God at night about my marriage or any other problem I have.
I believe that I am in this marriage to learn about sacrifice, patience, understanding, and humility.
He is a troubled man and I will not leave him even if I am miserable.
Try not to focus on what you are not getting, but perhaps ask God what you are supposed to learn from all this.
Perhaps there is something you need to change first. Perhaps she is having an affair.
Prayer is the only way to get those things revealed to you.
Sorry for my grammatical errors. (I am at work)

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

One thing some women will do is treat sex like a weapon or object. Something that can be thrown away without consideration of the man. Or they may use it as a weapon like "If you do this, this and this, we will have sex!". Some of them do it because they don't understand a mans urges, just like we don't always understand theirs. BTW are you an older couple? I know some women when they hit the years where the body ic changing they may not like being held in bed because they do feel warm alot. Hot flashes and all that.

With that said I agree with ValleyGirl. Some husbands become less romantic and just right away start wanting be sexual. I hold my wifes hands, we kiss, we eat together, maybe watch a movie, I do chores around the house, make her coffee....etc. I enjoy making her feel loved. So when the time comes to make love, its not usually a big deal (not counting obvious issues like time of month and so on). And as stated we can't change anyone. Maybe we can teach someone, but in the end we cannot force them to change. My wife and I love each other despite our flaws. And because are this way we do try to change things a bit that we catch ourselves doing that may not be right.

Being you were both married before maybe that plays some sort of role. You may bring in expectations or baggage from a previous marriage and compare it to yours subconsciously. Maybe she had trust issues because he ex was a alcoholic. Or maybe shes just changing. We can change over time and not really realize it. I'd say look at the positives of your marriage and see if you both can talk about that instead. Talk about the things you love about each other. Like "I always love how you would look at me after we both woke up in the mornings!"...etc. Try to bring back that spark. Go out on a date maybe with each other.

In the end if you both fall into a circle of negativity and anger then it will only lead to one path that will destroy everything. On a side note one thing I've noticed is when my wife and I miss devotions, prayer and even church sometimes... we become further from God and easily can be more critical, negative and so on. God needs to be the center of your lives always. He is Joy, Love and Happiness in the end.

 

[The Antigrrrl]

Women will tell you they like their men to be nice/ do nice to be sexually attractive but that isn't truth. The more you supplicate, the less attractive you will be to her. I would recommend not looking here for advice but hitting someplace lIke Dalrock where the men actually have a clue about what turns women on, the advice you are getting to "be nicer" has not worked for you so far and if you keep it up you will be divorced.

 

[ValleyGal]

Don't turn this into a platform whereby AYMs bash women, specifically feminists. Your post is quite telling, starting with your name, and seriously - if someone wants advice on women (especially Christian women), turning to AYMs for answers won't get you very far. The Bible says it is wise to seek godly counsel, and the OP got some here.

 

[The Antigrrrl]

Don't turn this into a platform whereby AYMs bash women, specifically feminists. Your post is quite telling, starting with your name, and seriously - if someone wants advice on women (especially Christian women), turning to AYMs for answers won't get you very far. The Bible says it is wise to seek godly counsel, and the OP got some here.

Dalrock is a christian and gives sound biblical advice. I am a woman, and no, I don't hate myself.

 

[mkgal1]

I would recommend not looking here for advice but hitting someplace lIke Dalrock where the men actually have a clue about what turns women on

Because---of course---angry men (specifically angry at women) are going to know better "what turns women on" more than women know.

No one benefits from playing games (whether it be a game of "yes dear......I'll clean up the kitchen for you each night in order for you to like me" or the flip side of that---playing Mr. Alpha). Only genuine relational intimacy is going to create a sincere and loving bond. Short cuts don't work for long-term.

 

[mkgal1]

Dalrock is a christian and gives sound biblical advice.

That's one opinion.

 

[ValleyGal]

Dalrock is a christian and gives sound biblical advice. I am a woman, and no, I don't hate myself.

I've read a little on that site, but the little I read was enough to send me running, wondering how things can get sooooo twisted. As for women liking "nice men" yes, I would by far rather have a husband who comes home from work, expresses interest in my well-being, soothes me and listens when I've had a bad day, is affectionate and generous with compliments, who looks up to me and admires me, who defends me, nurtures me, and seeks to understand me than with someone who is arrogant, angry, abusive, belittling, critical, nit-picky, condescending, abrasive and gruff all in the name of macho testosterone. Yes, I am a woman and I like my "nice" husband... having a nice husband does not compromise his masculinity.

 

[The Antigrrrl]

Two very good books: "Boundaries in marriage" by Henry Cloud and "thriving despite a difficult marriage".
both discuss how to " keep the lines open" while protecting your own mental health.

Some of the stuff your wife is saying can be extremely emotionally harmful and you need to be able to differentiate between what you are actually doing wrong and what her messed up perceptions are. Speaking from experience, it can make you feel like you are losing your mind.

 

[The Antigrrrl]

I've read a little on that site, but the little I read was enough to send me running, wondering how things can get sooooo twisted. As for women liking "nice men" yes, I would by far rather have a husband who comes home from work, expresses interest in my well-being, soothes me and listens when I've had a bad day, is affectionate and generous with compliments, who looks up to me and admires me, who defends me, nurtures me, and seeks to understand me than with someone who is arrogant, angry, abusive, belittling, critical, nit-picky, condescending, abrasive and gruff all in the name of macho testosterone. Yes, I am a woman and I like my "nice" husband... having a nice husband does not compromise his masculinity.

I haven't seen Dalrock advocate meanness or nastiness for husbands unless you think advocating biblical roles is nasty.

not caving in to bad behavior with placating behavior is a key life skill for everyone. I don't placate my children or my spouse when they are acting out, because if I reward bad behavior I get more of the same. I suppose that makes me mean and nasty, my kids sure think so some time!

I haven't seen anything Dalrock has written as you described it. Commentators there are a mixed bag, but they are here too. I primarily go there because he illustrates clearly what frivolous divorce does to families and society. It helps me keep my vows and be a better person.

 

[ValleyGal]

Darlock thinks of women as weak, in need of protection and anyone who doesn't is guilty of "feminist ugliness" and little more than a "nag".... not to mention the mere titles of his tabs on his website: chivalry (I mean, really??) and others. He makes comments like this: "Your wife (and even your girlfriend) wants you to be her rock, especially if her own emotions are storming over her. This is a profound gift a husband can give his wife...." but that is not biblical at all! The Lord Jesus is our Rock. Our ONLY Rock. Expecting a husband to give this "gift" to his wife is unbiblical and is contrary to the commandment to "have no other gods before me." The truth is that a husband and wife are mutually to be there for each other, being strong where the other is weak, etc. Personally, I will not place the expectation onto my husband that he should be my rock. That is too much for him to bear and takes away the true object of my faith: Jesus. So I just can't even get past comments like that, and think anyone who comes here seeking advice would be well advised to either avoid Dalrock or at the very least, read it with a very critical eye. I will no longer derail this thread by talking about this. If the OP chooses to check out this blogger, hopefully he is wise enough to measure all he reads with scripture as the ruler.

 

[mkgal1]

Two very good books: "Boundaries in marriage" by Henry Cloud and "thriving despite a difficult marriage".
both discuss how to " keep the lines open" while protecting your own mental health.

Some of the stuff your wife is saying can be extremely emotionally harmful and you need to be able to differentiate between what you are actually doing wrong and what her messed up perceptions are. Speaking from experience, it can make you feel like you are losing your mind.

I agree with this.

Also.....something else I'm noticing in your post, BornForHim, is that it seems you may get defensive in your communication with your wife and may not be hearing what she's saying (IOW....you both aren't hearing each other---it seems). The only way that relational intimacy can grow is acceptance (and you can't accept a person or their opinion if you don't "hear" them). Acceptance doesn't mean you have to hold the same opinion.

If the two of you are (what you perceive as) "arguing" during Bible reading time? Maybe it's not productive at all to be doing that together right now? Put yourself in your wife's place.....how would you feel if she said to you, "why don't you just agree with me?" Why can't she have her *own* opinion or thoughts about something? That *will* shut a person down and drive them away (and I suspect that's what's happening).

Being more open to hear another person's thoughts and opinions (w/o defensiveness) is what builds a relationship......and I think what Antigrrrl suggested may help that.

 

[Brianlear]

To be honest, it sounds like she does not respect you at all. And that is a very bad situation for a marriage. Would she read a book? Try "Lies Women Believe".

 

[BornForHim]

Thank you all for your input. There have been some more developments on this now. I've put them in a separate post here...

http://www.christianforums.com/thre...ife-but-wife-masturbates-every-night.7933449/

In Jesus,

BornForHim.