Marriage and Nominal Christianity (article)

[heliumskylark]

One of my friends posted this article on Facebook:
http://www.breakpoint.org/bpcommentaries/entry/13/29037
The premise (if you can't access the link / don't feel like reading it) is that according to the General Social Survey, "Adherence to conservative religious beliefs without attending church regularly is associated with worse family outcomes".
i.e. Christian couples who don't go to church are more likely to divorce than both Christian couples who do go to church and non-Christian couples who don't go to church. (I'm not sure where practitioners of other faiths fit into the picture as I couldn't find the original stats, only those quoted in the article.)
Anyone have any thoughts on why this might be? At the risk of sounding really obnoxious and offending any non-Christians on the board, I would have expected that they would have at least had better outcomes than people who don't have Christian beliefs at all.

 

[Hotinco]

I can see a small margin over couples who attend church regularly, not sure why there would be a higher percent over non-Christians.

I see people who attend church regularly often who are ashamed of getting divorced, or even admitting they have a problem in their marriage. So many people in church think it is some kind of sin to have a problem in your marriage. I can;t tell you how many times we hear from couples - I talked to a "friend" at church and they said I need to pray about it I must have some sin in my life causing these issues. You just want to scream - Christian does not = a life of bliss.
Galatians 6:2 (KJV) Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.

What we do see often is people leave the church because of marital problems and then end up getting divorced. Again because they do not want anyone to know they have a problem or were given horrible advice. Then leaving the church they loose the little support base and accountability they had. Often times they cut all contact with friend from church further isolating them selves and their problems and end up never attending church again.

I will be interested to see what others think.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

According to some surveys I found online, Born Again Christians have a higher divorce rate than any other group.

George Barna, president and founder of Barna Research Group, commented:

"While it may be alarming to discover that born again Christians are more likely than others to experience a divorce, that pattern has been in place for quite some time. Even more disturbing, perhaps, is that when those individuals experience a divorce many of them feel their community of faith provides rejection rather than support and healing. But the research also raises questions regarding the effectiveness of how churches minister to families. The ultimate responsibility for a marriage belongs to the husband and wife, but the high incidence of divorce within the Christian community challenges the idea that churches provide truly practical and life-changing support for marriages."
http://www.religioustolerance.org/chr_dira.htm

 

[Darkhorse]

Two factors which may contribute to the higher born-again rate are:

1) getting married primarily because they want to have sex (without time-tested compatibility);

2) holding overly-legalistic views and rigid sex roles.

This is not intended as criticism, but instead as ideas for further research.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Two factors which may contribute to the higher born-again rate are:

1) getting married primarily because they want to have sex (without time-tested compatibility);

2) holding overly-legalistic views and rigid sex roles.

This is not intended as criticism, but instead as ideas for further research.

No, you're right. The rigid gender roles and fixation on "purity" leads to a lot more hormonal thinking instead of approaching marriage from a more logical point of view.

 

[mkgal1]

No, you're right. The rigid gender roles and fixation on "purity" leads to a lot more hormonal thinking instead of approaching marriage from a more logical point of view.

Right. I think another factor is this idea that if a couple did it "the right way" (ie--the formula they'd been raised with....all about 'keeping pure for marriage' ) then they'd automatically be "blessed with a good marriage". This mentality of "I do this = I get what I want" is a bit of a fantasy (in addition---what I believe---is a distortion of God's economy).

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Right. I think another factor is this idea that if a couple did it "the right way" (ie--the formula they'd been raised with....all about 'keeping pure for marriage' ) then they'd automatically be "blessed with a good marriage". This mentality of "I do this = I get what I want" is a bit of a fantasy (in addition---what I believe---is a distortion of God's economy).

I call it "algebra Christianity"...a+b=c every time. If I apply the proper formula I will get the "right" results. Obviously the idea of kissing a whole lot of frogs before finding a prince hasn't gotten to them...I know if I had married my first serious boyfriend, I'd be MISERABLE! I finally got married at the age of 34, after having had a few long term relationships, quite a few shorter relationships and had been w/my now husband for about 2 years before we finally got married.

The idea that 100% of women are wifely/maternal beings also is WRONG! Not all of us would be happy being a SAHM. I don't think I would have been...I'd have been bored out of my mind. The constant yelling about feminism can make people who don't feel especially maternal miserable. They don't want to be a wife or mother yet that is the ONLY role they're permitted to fill. It's garbage.

 

[heliumskylark]

Great to have all this input - thanks! Lots of very interesting factors I hadn't considered One of the reasons I asked is because my husband and I are in this position; we're both born again but not currently attending church, so these stats scared me a little. But a few of the points raised here ring true for our situation, particularly leaving church initially due to embarrassment about some problems we were having.

Interesting too (if slightly depressing) to read that divorce rates might be highest amongst born-again Christians.

 

[Darkhorse]

The good news is: statistics apply to large groups of people, not individuals.

Awareness of the trends can help individual couples address the hazards.

 

[mkgal1]

One of the reasons I asked is because my husband and I are in this position; we're both born again but not currently attending church, so these stats scared me a little. But a few of the points raised here ring true for our situation, particularly leaving church initially due to embarrassment about some problems we were having.

Darkhorse made a great point about stats.

All we can do is speculate as to why (in general) those stats apply. It seems to me (based on what I've seen) that if a couple got married young (with a lot of the conservative beliefs and no experience in testing them out)---what can happen is that when life finally hits---they can become disillusioned and break away from their entire support system they'd formed over the years. That isolation and stress (from just the huge change in their lives) can cause a lot of instability.

It's really sad to me that people feel they can't be open (and will be loved and encouraged) in a lot of churches. I think what a lot of churches provide (not all.....please don't read me to be saying *that*) is a foundation made of sand (and people seem to be figuring that out). When a person's whole foundation is ripped from under them in a tough time---that can certainly lead to an end to their marriage as well (BUT....it doesn't have to!).

 

[mkgal1]

Oh....and another thing ( ). Something I thought that was lacking in a lot of churches we'd been a part of was any mention of real coping skills (beyond the usual "leave it with God" or "depend on Him".....etc etc). If fact---that was often spoken about as if it were some "New Age" philosophy or "worldly" advice that shouldn't be listened to and certainly NOT applied to our lives.

Sometimes (most of the time) WE need to apply some effort of our own (and when people get married young, they've typically not formed their own emotional & practical maturity skills).

 

[mkgal1]

This is an example of what many young adolescents are being told about marriage in churches---and this is what I believe encourages them to marry young and whomever they're with at the time (b/c this says it's NOT about "compatibility"). When they figure out how untrue it is---they're typically headed for divorce and have already left the church (due to lack of support):

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/pursue-complementarity-not-compatibility

Compatibility.

Has any concept done more to hinder the development of love? We hear that once we discover our perfect physical and emotional match, we’ll taste ceaseless fulfillment, experience sizzling romance, and meet one another’s deepest needs. A world of bliss.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I can see a small margin over couples who attend church regularly, not sure why there would be a higher percent over non-Christians.
So many people in church think it is some kind of sin to have a problem in your marriage. I can;t tell you how many times we hear from couples - I talked to a "friend" at church and they said I need to pray about it I must have some sin in my life causing these issues. You just want to scream - Christian does not = a life of bliss.
Galatians 6:2 (KJV) Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
.

I observe that Christians for the most part are afraid of being "real" with each other (ie, wear masks), and I guess it's a defense mechanism, pride, or simply (and with the best intentions) taking scripture out of context! I had a friend who wouldn't admit her husband was an alcoholic and was clinging to "love covers all wrongs", "believes all things, bears all things, hope all things" 1 cor 13:7, pro 10:12

I believe as you said that there is "some sin" in their life causing the issues - usually selfishness - but step 1 is admitting there is a problem (examine ourselves) 2- confession 3 - repentance. It's a simple formula .. (that was sarcasm).

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I'm glad that pastors want to make sure that young people don't think it's ALL about compatibility - dating sites, match.com, etc.. definitely send that message! I hear pastors preaching (usually in a humorous tone) that no one is compatible.

I teach my kid's that marriage is a picture of Christ's relationship to the church, and elaborate from there.

The invention of the no-fault divorce (1964ish?) opened the divorce floodgate for Christians and non-Christians.. jm2c

 

[mkgal1]

That article made the word "compatible" synonymous with "perfect"---and that's not what it means.

What do you mean by "no one is compatible"?

**If this seems to derail the OP, I will make a new thread.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

The good news is: statistics apply to large groups of people, not individuals.

Awareness of the trends can help individual couples address the hazards.

Yes, those Barna stats are depressing. I used to get in a frenzy over them.

He even wrote a book about them which is more depressing IMHO
http://www.amazon.com/unChristian-Generation-Really-Christianity-Matters/dp/0801072719

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Forgive mkgal1, I should have read the article. Not compatible - pastors are referring to silly stuff around the home - which way to face the toilet paper roll, how good to rinse off the dishes before putting in the dishwasher, etc.. I think people might get divorced over this things

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Marriage is WORK! That's all there is to it. It seems that young people have a checklist and if someone checks off the boxes, that's it...time to get married. Truth is, that checklist doesn't do anything when the checking account is overdrawn, when you discover that someone is more emotionally distant than another, someone has a bad temper.

It seems...in some churches, that the young people are not taught coping skills. They're told "you're both Christians, it'll all be fine". A young Christian has not matured enough in any way to really be ready for the trials of life. The encouragement to marry young, the lack of coping skills...recipe for disaster.

 

[mkgal1]

Forgive mkgal1, I should have read the article. Not compatible - pastors are referring to silly stuff around the home - which way to face the toilet paper roll, how good to rinse off the dishes before putting in the dishwasher, etc.. I think people might get divorced over this things

I still want to make sure I'm understanding you. Are you saying two people are never NOT compatible? And.....are you being sarcastic when you say "I think people might get divorced over these things"?

I *do* believe in a couple making sure they're compatible prior to marriage. What I mean by that is: in areas like house cleaning (example of NOT compatible: one likes/needs organization and lack of clutter and things kept clean at all times----and other has a lackadaisical attitude and will get to things when they get to them, and doesn't like their things touched and moved); in the area of how to spend down-time and vacations (example of NOT compatible: one likes to be on the go when they get free time....they like to travel and see new things and meet new people----but the other likes to rest and stay home when they get the opportunity.....they'd rather be alone and quiet with as little interaction with people as possible).

IMO......if enough areas of life are incompatible.....the couple can love each other a lot (with a genuine love) and still get divorced (IOW.....love alone is not enough).

 

[mkgal1]

It seems...in some churches, that the young people are not taught coping skills. They're told "you're both Christians, it'll all be fine". A young Christian has not matured enough in any way to really be ready for the trials of life. The encouragement to marry young, the lack of coping skills...recipe for disaster.

I completely agree!!!!