making good on a promise

[looking4joy]

I love a girl who is deeply in love with me. At one point, I promised her I would marry her. But now I have different feelings - although I love her now, part of me feels like I want to be single, for a variety of reasons. I haven't told her yet.

We haven't broken up at this point. She tells me I don't realize how much in love she is with me, because I have never leave her. She tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened in her life.

I am heartbroken because I don't want to see her get hurt in this process. I still love her enough to care about that.

So, since I made a promise to her, I'm going to ignore my feelings and continue to work and pray towards marriage. Can God fix my feelings and my affections so they are focused on her again? Can he help me want to be married to her again?

 

[GoingByzantine]

Spoken from my personal standpoint, you should continue to pursue marriage with this woman if you genuinely love her. If you do not love her, you need to tell her now so she can move on and find somebody new. It is unfair for her to be "lead on" (not in a sexual way) when you have no intention to carry through with your promise. I don't say that to be mean, only because I think honesty is vital in a relationship.

 

[tremble]

I love a girl who is deeply in love with me. At one point, I promised her I would marry her. But now I have different feelings - although I love her now, part of me feels like I want to be single, for a variety of reasons. I haven't told her yet.

We haven't broken up at this point. She tells me I don't realize how much in love she is with me, because I have never leave her. She tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened in her life.

I am heartbroken because I don't want to see her get hurt in this process. I still love her enough to care about that.

So, since I made a promise to her, I'm going to ignore my feelings and continue to work and pray towards marriage. Can God fix my feelings and my affections so they are focused on her again? Can he help me want to be married to her again?

Its hard to give advice if we don't know why you've decided to stay single. If it's because you believe God wants you to stay single then it does not matter what promises you made. God is more important, though hopefully you get the lesson for why Jesus told us not to make promises.

If its just because your feelings have changed then do not say something like "God told me not to marry you". Be honest with her and yourself. Lots of couples go through rough patches. Perhaps you should invest in professional counseling. If its not enough to change your mind then it could still be helpful in preparing her for the eventual breakup.

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[seeingeyes]

I love a girl who is deeply in love with me. At one point, I promised her I would marry her. But now I have different feelings - although I love her now, part of me feels like I want to be single, for a variety of reasons. I haven't told her yet.

We haven't broken up at this point. She tells me I don't realize how much in love she is with me, because I have never leave her. She tells me I am the best thing that has ever happened in her life.

I am heartbroken because I don't want to see her get hurt in this process. I still love her enough to care about that.

So, since I made a promise to her, I'm going to ignore my feelings and continue to work and pray towards marriage. Can God fix my feelings and my affections so they are focused on her again? Can he help me want to be married to her again?

Would you want someone to stay with you solely because she promised you she would a while back?

 

[looking4joy]

Nobody really answered my questions, can God help me focus my affections on her again, and put a strong desire in me to marry her?

 

[tremble]

Nobody really answered my questions, can God help me focus my affections on her again, and put a strong desire in me to marry her?

You asked if God can fix your feelings. Does that mean you think your feelings are broken? Are the reasons you have for being single bad reasons?

 

[Omena]

Nobody really answered my questions, can God help me focus my affections on her again, and put a strong desire in me to marry her?

God can do anything, but whether or not he is going to help you is up to him, and I don't think any of us here can determine what he's going to do. Tremble gave a very good reminder about not making promises (as Jesus said), and I think this example is a sobering reminder to all of us not to make promises, because we can't change or predict the future.

 

[seeingeyes]

Nobody really answered my questions, can God help me focus my affections on her again, and put a strong desire in me to marry her?

Anything is possible with God, yes.

But I don't know that it's a good idea for you to "ignore your feelings". Your emotions are there to give you a heads-up when things go wrong (or right). You need to examine your feelings, not just bury them.

 

[tremble]

But I don't know that it's a good idea for you to "ignore your feelings". Your emotions are there to give you a heads-up when things go wrong (or right). You need to examine your feelings, not just bury them.

Hello again, seeing. ^.^

I agree that it's a good idea to examine our feelings and not just bury them. However, I think there are times when it can be good to ignore feelings. For example, if a person feels God does not want him to be involved with a particular person, then he may need to ignore his feelings in order to follow his conscience.

But it seems that isn't the case for Looking. It seems his feelings have changed for "a variety of reasons" and now he doesn't know what to do about the girl who's heart he's about to break. Looking needs to ask himself if those "variety of reasons" are important reasons or just inconsequential opinion issues.

If they are important reasons then it could be worth talking to her about those reasons. Maybe she doesn't realize that she's doing something which is causing Looking to lose interest, but she'd be willing to change if he talked to her about it.

It's hard to give accurate advice without knowing what Looking's reasons are for losing interest.

 

[seeingeyes]

It's hard to give accurate advice without knowing what Looking's reasons are for losing interest.

I agree completely. We don't know if he is "losing interest" because he's a playa lookin' for a game, or because she's a bit of a clingy nut job, or because they are kids who just don't go to the same school anymore, or what. All require different advice.

It's just that I don't believe that ignoring one's feelings to keep one's promises (over the long term, mind you), is in keeping with being a bold man of God. "Love honor and cherish" is simply not the same as "pretend to love honor and cherish". Such a system might hold up for a couple of years, but in the end, she gets hurt worse if he lacks integrity in this.

So to the OP I say, examine your feelings, their source, their strength. Examine how you actually feel about this girl now. Think about how you felt before, but examine all the things that have changed (surely you know her better now, and she knows you better). What is it that drew you in the first place? Do those things still exist? What are you looking for that you're not seeing in her?

Do your homework on yourself, then decide whether to stay or go.