How to Stop Lusting After Other Women in a Christian Marriage?

[Jonny42]

If you're ashamed of lusting after women and your desire to pleasure them then you're only going to make the problem worse like throwing gasoline on a fire. This will actually lead to more inappropriate content viewing and more skewed and warped sexual expectations. Similarly, praying for a woman and hoping she becomes a Christian serves to cultivate a superiority complex, forget that garbage. Such tactics are often used to protect a fragile ego anyways. If that's the case, the root cause of your problem may be an unchallenged and soft ego. The cure is to do things that scare the crap out of you, specifically social things.

Just accept and embrace that you want to procreate and spread your genetic material with healthy and attractive women. Let that desire flow through you like riding a wave. Allow your heart to beat faster (norepinephrine, serotonin), allow yourself to experience an erection (testosterone), allow yourself feel any warm fuzziness (oxytocin), just don't let the wave get lodged within you such that you start fantasizing about her. Learn to ride the wave but not hang onto the wave. Get some exercise, increase your testosterone levels naturally, then do something socially challenging as I mentioned previously. If your ego is resilient then you won't be tempted to think things like, "I must have her!"

I believe when you gaze at a woman with sexual desire (and let's be honest, if she catches your eye even for a microsecond that's sexual desire), and do so in honesty, transparency, and confidence, you feed your own masculinity and feed her femininity. I love to stare and smile at a gorgeous babe who walks by. It's the reason I take mass transit now and don't drive anymore. Not to mention the exercise helps boost my testosterone levels.

I think I am at the pinnacle of my mental, physical, and sexual health. Ironically, while I was attending Christian college and allowing myself to be indoctrinated with anecdotal assertions on human sexuality buttressed with cherry-picked bible verses I was at the low-point in my life. Therefore I invite criticism of my views backed with not only scripture but also with scientific studies.

One more thing...

When a man chooses to be selfish and frame a woman he likes in a shallow and superficial light (i.e. objectify her), that's when it becomes a toxic and poisonous thing to himself and to his loved-ones. When he insists on creating a false reality born entirely within his own mind about her, that's when it becomes a toxic and poisonous thing.

 

[BlueJay83]

about 7 years ago I was working in the central city and walking past brothels every day.. I was being tempted to go visit..... because it was going to be so easy.

This went on for MONTHS, and then I decided to deal with this once and for all.
I told my wife I was being tempted, and explained my feelings that I didn't wan to dishonour her and that I told her for the very reason that now she knows I'm far less likely to actually do it.

well.. the day I told her all desire to actually go went away... disarm the enemy and just tell her how you feel.

Congrats on the new little one!

 

[iambren]

Children are hard on a marriage; just a fact. There's only so much energy to go around and after a long day sex/intimacy can take a hit. AND, if your wife is suffering from depression, being a couch potato with a sack of chips under each arm she is not going to excite you. I have women friends that after their child was born they ended up weighing LESS than before. It CAN be a factor in your getting distracted (not an excuse) because you BOTH have to fight for your marriage to reinvigorate the passion.

During a stretch of rejection in my former marriage I began (unknowingly) an emotional affair with a co-worker. Sex was secondary, I just enjoyed the warmth of standing next to her by the file cabinet. I felt like a desert soaking up every drop of her warmth to me. I say this because inside you THIS is what you're looking for. Work to regain what you had with your wife. Love her in many ways and your emotions will turn back to her. inappropriate content will kill, a dead end, a trap, walk away man, choose life!

 

[starfirefreefilly]

try reading this web site it is full of real good insite .godrules.net/articles/mat5.htm]Bible Topic Study: Matthew 5:28 Lust and Adultery
also from a woman's point of view did you ever think how your betraying your wife, and her being pregnant will not take away your beginning of sin, the Jezebel spirit is beginning in you to break up your marriage, have someone ex spell this spirit from you

 

[starfirefreefilly]

you do not dwell on sin it will eat you alive "Matthew 5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."
,if a married man crosses the line he will lose any blessing God has fr him, and tear the family down which is satan plan do not linger on sin

 

[DZoolander]

Zombie thread hath returned from the dead

 

[abacabb3]

Hey all, 1st post for me on here so please be gentle I'm 30, been with my wife for 10 years, while I love her dearly I am in a constant struggle with lusting after other women, it is driving me crazy, so much so that last month I had made a decision that this wasn't fair on my wife and was thinking about leaving, but I have 2 children and didn't know what to do, I had so many unanswered questions, "Am I with the wrong woman?" "Do I leave?" etc etc so I did what I do in any time of crisis I prayed, I believe that when you pray in times of crisis god will respond you just have to be alert for the answers,

That was on a Saturday night, and as reliable as ever on Sunday I got my answer, The children were playing up and I said to my wife "Imagine having more kids, it would be a mad house" my wife responds, "My period is a month late" well my jaw dropped, we went and got a test kit and sure enough she is pregnant, so I think god has made it perfectly clear now that I am with the woman I am supposed to be with, and actually with this news of a new baby it has brought us closer together again as we where starting to drift but yet I still can't stop this lusting over other women, everywhere I look there is a beautiful woman I am attracted to, I know lusting over another woman is a sin but I just can't stop. Can someone please help or advise me.:o

I've only run into this once, about 8 years ago. It takes prayer and patience. God answered my prayer in 6 weeks, but it was a long six weeks. However, other prayers (like for my marriage) took 2.5 years to be answered. St. Monica prayed for St. Augustine for 30 years. Pray, be obedient to God and honor your wife, and cut off any eyes or limbs that cause you to sin (get rid of the computer, when you see hot women never purposely look at them, don't get friendly with women that are your age by default).

God is glorified when you suffer for His sake being obedient. Don't leave your wife.

 

[pdudgeon]

one more place to check is :Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com

 

[Brianlear]

It can sometimes be helpful to allow yourself a little room to appreciate other women. Women know that we enjoy looking at women, in general. It is hard-wired. If you think your appreciation of all beautiful women will ever end, you are wrong--it won't. It's supposed to be there. We are supposed to enjoy looking at, being with, and interacting with women of all ages. We are supposed to think little girls are cute and charming. We are supposed to think women of child-bearing age are attractive. We are supposed to enjoy the company of older women, mothers and grandmothers, delight in their calm maturity and and presence. And in the background of all this, we as men know that we are supposed to protect women when necessary. So I recommend first starting with that--allowing yourself permission to appreciate women and knowing that it's normal and okay. As weird as it sounds, sometimes I feel like the more I allow myself to think other women are beautiful, the more I appreciate my wife's beauty.

 

[Avniel]

I do lust after real women in day to day life, but also look at inappropriate content, infact I have looked at inappropriate content ever since I was a teen, its now at the stage where it doesn't actually do anything for me but still look as force of habit.

You have mentally disconnected sex with a person and have objectified women. You continue down this path you will be unable to have sex with your wife. Stop masterbating, stop the inappropriate content,

 

[Avniel]

Do you work out, do you have an exit for that energy until you get it under control?

 

[Breezyberlin]

In my humble (female) opinion, there is only one very simple answer for this problem.
"Bounce your eyes." Yes, it is so easy! LOOK AWAY, right away!
As it is normal for men to love the look of a beautiful woman, almost, shall we say, inherent.... as far as I can tell, no amount of spiritual conviction, Bible verses, or knowing it is "wrong" can make much of a difference. Once those eyes are engaged, it is nearly impossible to turn back from the lust road..... The best option is to bounce your eyes, as soon as you see a hint of skin, beautiful, hair, legs.... LOOK AWAY. This takes practice, some discipline, and a manly warrior like spirit. But I know you have that spirit... because Jesus put it in you!!
I believe this will also help you nip your inappropriate content problem in the bud. Something about the "look" of the women you lust after triggers something in you to go to the inappropriate content. If you can avoid that first, full, long, look, you can somewhat avoid the IMPULSE of inappropriate content and if the impulse is dealt with, it is easier to be discipined the rest of the time.
Finally, I have found, with all sin in my life, that the more I focus on the sin, the less I grow. In the end, there is only Jesus. Jesus loving you in your lust. Jesus' blood making you righteous (even) when you lust, Jesus wanting to transform you, Jesus being patient with you. When you are tempted to focus only on the fact that you have a lust issues, I suggest, instead, praising Him and focusing on the love between you and Him..... THAT is the road to Freedom. (But you still have to bounce your eyes... !)

 

[Brianlear]

I must respectfully disagree with "bouncing your eyes". That isnt mans nature. You have to continue to look. You must come to grips with your attraction to women, embrace it, and learn how to deal with it. As far as ive learned that means connecting that attraction to our also-inherent drive to protect and support women.

Denial will only repress it.

Remember , nowhere has it ever been said that lust equals attraction. Lust is an action, not a feeling. You can find someone attractive, even stare at them all day long but still not lust or covet. This is what we as men need to be able to do.

There is a huge difference between:

"My neighbor is so beautiful and fun to be around. Maybe we can hang out and she can be friends with me AND my wife."

And

"My neighbor is so beautiful, and fun to be around. Im going to secretly pursue her and try to cheat on my wife."

 

[Dave-W]

There is a huge difference between:

"My neighbor is so beautiful and fun to be around. Maybe we can hang out and she can be friends with me AND my wife."

And

"My neighbor is so beautiful, and fun to be around. Im going go secretly pursue her and try to cheat on my wife."

That is true. But if your wife is of the jealous persuasion, she may not be very keen on becoming friends with a cute neighbor.

 

[loneliness]

hello,

i am not sure if i should answer here because i am a wife of a lusting husband. i joined this forum today with hope to find advice.
you have probably no idea how deep it hurts to know when the husband has these wandering eyes, lusting thoughts...watching inappropriate content, looking at other females pictures online.
God gave you a clearly answer. you are expecting his gift. this is wonderful. congratulations.
please stop watching inappropriate content, please stop entertaining the enemies game with your thoughts. seek counseling as well. you can't overcome it by yourself. pray over it, pray with your wife together. your wife is your rib...you are ONE since you got married. hurting her means you are hurting yourself. go to a men group at church, let them pray with you and for you. communicate with your wife as much as possible. put all the cards on the table. do not entertain the wolves in you. if you don't know what i mean... look up the traits of a godly husband and meditate over it. pray over it.

 

[Dave-W]

Denial will only repress it.

Agree. Denial turns it into a game of whack a mole, where you pop it down one place and it pops back up somewhere else.
And on and on and on ....

 

[kmrichard7]

Pray. And as with any unhealthy habit you must recognize when you are doing it and put in the effort to stop it.
For instance: You are at the beach and see a lot of beautiful women in small bikinis and your mind starts to drift. Immediately catch it and change your thoughts. Of course look away and consciously change your thoughts to something dull, something serious and tense, anything really that isn't of a sexual nature. You have to atop the behavior and distract yourself from it and eventually you wont have to try any longer

 

[Messy]

I must respectfully disagree with "bouncing your eyes". That isnt mans nature. You have to continue to look.

Then just pluck 'em out.

 

[LinkH]

Jonny42,

Your OP was very bad advise. Jesus says that if a man looks at a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her already in his heart. It's bad to go against what Jesus said.

A man should avert his gaze if he's tempted to look with lust. Instead of thinking about sports or something boring or some unimportant topic, he can turn his mind and attention to the Lord. And he should learn reckon himself to be dead to sin and alive to God.