How to Stop Lusting After Other Women in a Christian Marriage?

[TrustingWife]

Having a physically attractive wife has little to do with one's struggle with lust. Look at Tiger Woods. On a purely physical attractiveness basis, most of the other women he was with are far less physically attractive than his wife.

*ALL* of the other women he was with (at least the dozen or so slashed all over golf balls (!?!) and the TV) are far less physically attractive than his wife.

And, for what it's worth, from my personal observation this seems to always be the case; which proves lust is about loss of emotional connection? And would I also be correct in thinking emotional connection is a choice?

 

[Texan40]

*ALL* of the other women he was with (at least the dozen or so slashed all over golf balls (!?!) and the TV) are far less physically attractive than his wife.

And, for what it's worth, from my personal observation this seems to always be the case; which proves lust is about loss of emotional connection? And would I also be correct in thinking emotional connection is a choice?

I don't think it's a "simple" choice... but it can certainly be created or destroyed through a process. If you spend more time and energy on pursuits outside your spouse then the emotional connection can diminish. Conversely if you drop personal activities to spend more time with your spouse the emotional connection can increase.

 

[created4success]

I forget who said to address the inappropriate content issue 1st to resolve lust. That is wise advice. I would add a bit more.

When I first became a Christian, I had a friend tell me that it's basically fruitless to on your own attempt stop sinning (it puts into effect the Romans 8 dichotomy of the Spirit in us vs. the flesh). As Romans tells us, when we attempt to do that, we are tempted even more to sin, lust whatever.

What my friend told me to do instead of "stop sinning" or "stop lusting," was to spend time with God; worship Him, read His Word, fellowship with believers, pray. When you do that, you'll be saturated with the presence of God, filled with His Spirit and will have no desire to view inappropriate content. Your lust for women will naturally subside the more time you spend in His presence.

Now, that being said, I would also do things like getting an internet filter that blocks inappropriate content sites, as well as limiting or eliminating outright interactions with people or things that trigger your lustful desires.

God wants us to be pure; to be holy because He is holy. And not to spoil our fun, in marriage or otherwise. When we know the Father, really know Him, there is no better life and everything tends to pale in comparison.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Having a physically attractive wife has little to do with one's struggle with lust. Look at Tiger Woods. On a purely physical attractiveness basis, most of the other women he was with are far less physically attractive than his wife.

Tiger Woods had/has options. Most guys don't. God forbid you or I ever end up getting the options Tiger did.

If a woman lets herself go physically its no wonder her man loses interest. Its like if a guy stops romancing his wife after they marry and she stops being interested in having sex with him. If you don't do preventive maintenance on your car it will break down. The same principle applies to marriage.

 

[chaz345]

Tiger Woods had/has options. Most guys don't. God forbid you or I ever end up getting the options Tiger did.

If a woman lets herself go physically its no wonder her man loses interest. Its like if a guy stops romancing his wife after they marry and she stops being interested in having sex with him. If you don't do preventive maintenance on your car it will break down. The same principle applies to marriage.

Absolutely. But to be clear, that a wife "let's herself go" is absolutely NOT any sort of justification for a man to stray.

And like we've seen in Tiger's case, with a wife that's FAR above average in terms of physical attractiveness, it's obviously isn't necessarily about looks.

 

[chaz345]

*ALL* of the other women he was with (at least the dozen or so slashed all over golf balls (!?!) and the TV) are far less physically attractive than his wife.

And, for what it's worth, from my personal observation this seems to always be the case; which proves lust is about loss of emotional connection? And would I also be correct in thinking emotional connection is a choice?

No I wouldn't say that lust is about loss of emotional connection. Lust is by definition about inappropriate desire. AFFAIRS are often about lack of emotional connection, most start being about companionship and connection before they become sexual.

 

[created4success]

If a woman lets herself go physically its no wonder her man loses interest. Its like if a guy stops romancing his wife after they marry and she stops being interested in having sex with him. If you don't do preventive maintenance on your car it will break down. The same principle applies to marriage.

I agree, however, if someone stops doing "preventative maintenance" in their marriage or let's themself go, whatever that looks like, it's still no excuse for looking somewhere else or entertaining those thoughts. That's the lust of the flesh and not what God wants.

 

[dyinginside]

This will sound really bad on my part, I did at one time yeah when we met up, but after 2 kids etc she has piled on the weight, never takes pride in her appearance anymore etc, at the min its like a sisterly love, yes I know looks fade with age, but then again so does desire if the looks go.

That is so rude! I have had 3 kids and obviously I am not going to be 105 pounds like I was before. We woman go through 9 months of pregnancy, hard labor, then not sleeping for years until the kids grow up yet you want us to look and feel amazing! Wow...wish you men could even for the tiniest bit go through what we go through. I work out, I lost almost all the pregnancy weight, but things like breasts will be saggy no matter how much you exercise and unless you get plastic surgery they will stay that way...I am having the same issue with my husband..so now I must go under the knife to be desirable and other woman to? As if we haven't gone through enough. You need to stop being selfish and love your wife with all her imperfections because she did it for you and the kids...she sacrificed her body and gave you precious children yet you repay her by lusting after woman who probably never had kids or underwent surgery to look the way they do. Your wife would look just as good if not better with surgery and never having kids to!

 

[dyinginside]

And another thing I am glad that your wife doesn't know, or atleast I think she doesn't. It is so painful and hurts like a thousands knives cutting you up when you know that your husband lusts after other woman and you are not good enough, and will never be good enough unless you do something about your body or get surgery(that's how it is in my case). It hurts so much and really damages a woman, why would you do that to the woman you say you love?

 

[Romanseight2005]

And another thing I am glad that your wife doesn't know, or atleast I think she doesn't. It is so painful and hurts like a thousands knives cutting you up when you know that your husband lusts after other woman and you are not good enough, and will never be good enough unless you do something about your body or get surgery(that's how it is in my case). It hurts so much and really damages a woman, why would you do that to the woman you say you love?

 

[Texan40]

And another thing I am glad that your wife doesn't know, or atleast I think she doesn't. It is so painful and hurts like a thousands knives cutting you up when you know that your husband lusts after other woman and you are not good enough, and will never be good enough unless you do something about your body or get surgery(that's how it is in my case). It hurts so much and really damages a woman, why would you do that to the woman you say you love?

The enemy loves to use selfishness. I hope that when confronted with this type of reality most husbands would realize it and have a change of heart. If not for lusting over illusions and fantasy how would a man even adopt such odd standards?

 

[created4success]

The enemy loves to use selfishness. I hope that when confronted with this type of reality most husbands would realize it and have a change of heart. If not for lusting over illusions and fantasy how would a man even adopt such odd standards?

Insightful comment, Texan. My belief is that a married man (or woman) can choose to get their primary needs met thru true intimacy via God or false intimacy via illusions and fantasy. Such a person who is confronted with this selfishness and has not completely been blinded by the enemy can turn and have a change of heart.

 

[Texan40]

Insightful comment, Texan. My believe is that a married man (or woman) can choose to get their primary needs met thru true intimacy via God or false intimacy via illusions and fantasy. Such a person who is confronted with this selfishness and has not completely been blinded by the enemy can turn and have a change of heart.

And I thank God every day since he allowed me to change my perspective to an angle where the Truth was finally revealed. I don't believe satan has the power to blind completely... it also takes the willing participation of the sinner. That's not hard to come by for the enemy these days though. There are so many distractions.

 

[created4success]

I don't believe satan has the power to blind completely... it also takes the willing participation of the sinner. That's not hard to come by for the enemy these days though. There are so many distractions.

Exactly right. The believer/sinner gives the enemy permission and opens the doorway by choosing to sin. Once that doorway is opened (& if not repented of), that is an open invitation for satan to deceive and destroy a Christian. I am very familiar with deception and the lust of the flesh, as I have (likewise) struggled in this area.

God has also shown me the joys found in relying upon His strength ("...for the joy of the LORD is your strength!" Nehemiah 8:10), walking by the Spirit and not indulging in the flesh, and finding true intimacy in Him over the illusions of fantasy and lusts of the flesh.

 

[Romanseight2005]

This is interesting because I was just thinking about the many passages of scripture that make the connection between sin, and not seeing clearly. I believe this is why pastors and teachers are held to a higher standard.

 

[Luther073082]

Blind post: While lusting after other women is a problem that you will have to confront. Leaving your wife is no way to deal with the problem. God also has a problem with people who abandon their spouses. So its almost like you are trying to deal with one sin by sinning. That does nothing but compound the sin and fixes nothing.

Leaving your wife doesn't fix the problem it runs away from it. The problem with running away from your problems is it creates more problems and worse problems until they eventually corner you and you can't run away from them any more. So instead of wrestling with a problem that will be tough but you can handle, you are suddenly cornered and forced to wrestle with a 10,000 pound monster.

 

[Tommy_S]

I do lust after real women in day to day life, but also look at inappropriate content, infact I have looked at inappropriate content ever since I was a teen, its now at the stage where it doesn't actually do anything for me but still look as force of habit.

Rather than addressing the inappropriate content issue perhaps you need to address the repentance issue... I am not judging you because for several years I had the same problem and thought I was saved. Praise God that you haven't gone the extra step and actually had an affair as I did, but if you are regularly looking at inappropriate content chances are you aren't actually saved. I know many might say that I'm being "judgemental" and don't know your heart but scripture makes it clear that you will know them by their fruit. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is LOVE, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, FAITHFULLNESS, gentleness and SELF-CONTROL. Against such things there is no law." caps were added by me. If you cannot see that you have been growing in holiness/fruit you really need to see if in fact you are saved. 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?" I can assure you however that you are married to the right woman though because well, you married her. You saying that you didn't see inappropriate content as an issue is another indication that you may have never had genuine repentance. There are six signs to genuine repentance 1. Recognition for sin. 2. Sorrow for sin. 3. Shame of sin. 4 Confession for sin. 5. Forsaking of sin. 6. Hatred of sin. This is only followed through putting your trust in Christ. Once you put your trust in Christ the fruit will follow naturally because you have put to death your sinful nature. After doing these things you must avoid things that may cause you to stumble, ie public pools, beaches, etc. There have been several times that I have even had to walk with my head down looking at the floor because I am afraid of what my eyes may see. Genuine repentance will guide you to a point of wanting to rip out your eyes when they offend you. I hope this helps. God Bless.

 

[Jesus Freak62]

Please, this is not an excuse for men, but I don't think some women really understand the grip Satan has on men (christian or not) in the area of physical attraction. It is probably his #1 fiery dart against us. With today's readily available liposuction, breast implants, make-up, botox, television soft inappropriate content (i.e."The Batchelor"),etc. it certainly doesn't make dealing w/ this temptation any easier. Women are also to blame. In a perfect world, we would all be reading our Bible, dressing appropriately, accepting our bodies as they are, and not even noticing how each other look, because our focus would be on the love of God and not ourselves.

 

[Created2Write]

Rather than addressing the inappropriate content issue perhaps you need to address the repentance issue... I am not judging you because for several years I had the same problem and thought I was saved. Praise God that you haven't gone the extra step and actually had an affair as I did, but if you are regularly looking at inappropriate content chances are you aren't actually saved. I know many might say that I'm being "judgemental" and don't know your heart but scripture makes it clear that you will know them by their fruit. Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is LOVE, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, FAITHFULLNESS, gentleness and SELF-CONTROL. Against such things there is no law." caps were added by me. If you cannot see that you have been growing in holiness/fruit you really need to see if in fact you are saved. 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?" I can assure you however that you are married to the right woman though because well, you married her. You saying that you didn't see inappropriate content as an issue is another indication that you may have never had genuine repentance. There are six signs to genuine repentance 1. Recognition for sin. 2. Sorrow for sin. 3. Shame of sin. 4 Confession for sin. 5. Forsaking of sin. 6. Hatred of sin. This is only followed through putting your trust in Christ. Once you put your trust in Christ the fruit will follow naturally because you have put to death your sinful nature. After doing these things you must avoid things that may cause you to stumble, ie public pools, beaches, etc. There have been several times that I have even had to walk with my head down looking at the floor because I am afraid of what my eyes may see. Genuine repentance will guide you to a point of wanting to rip out your eyes when they offend you. I hope this helps. God Bless.

While I agree with SOME of your post, I do not agree with all of it; in particular, where you said that a inappropriate contentography user is most likely unsaved. Firstly, you can not make that call; only God Almighty sees the heart. Secondly, inappropriate content is sin; it is no different than laziness, adultery, pride, gluttony, lying, gossip or any other sin there is. Even after we are saved, we still sin. Pastors, Missionaries, Evangelists still sin. We aren't perfect, and will never BE perfect while on this earth. No sin is greater than another. One lie is enough to send someone to hell, which means all sins are the same. If a Christian can lie, and still be saved, a Christian can look at inappropriate content, and still be saved.

It is still sin, and it grieves God, and he should do what he can to live a holy life, by the power of Christ. But saying he might not be saved, is wrong.

 

[PROUD2LOVEJESUS]

Congratulations! You are truly blessed.

Yes, you are - but please don't beat yourself up and stop trying if you fail once or twice. Just keep turning it over to God. It sounds like Satan has set this up as a stronghold in your life, and I doubt it goes away overnight. I have prayed for you, and I applaud you for trying to find out what is wrong.