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Love Must be tough-DISRESPEST-2

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by sdmsanjose, Sep 5, 2011.

  1. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    "Love Must Be Tough, a New Hope For Family In Crises" (DISRESPECT)-2


    I posted the below on the “Marriage Restoration” forum and we kind of got off tract because of my question. I wanted to know what all you people here on the front page of the "Married Couples” forum think about Dr. Dobson’s book and advice. I am reprinting my post below and have changed the question to “Do you all have any comments about Dobson’s advice? “

    Reprint is below:

    In reading threads about marriages in crises on this forum, I looked up some information from Dr. James Dobson, Psychologist and marriage counselor.

    His book is "Love Must Be Tough, a New Hope For Family In Crises"
    The book is about saving a marriage not divorce, hence the title, “Love Must Be tough, NEW HOPE FOR A FAMILY IN CRISES”

    Disrespect seems to be a very common underlying problem in many marital problems that have been posted. Dobson takes an approach that is not universally accepted by some churches but I found his approach to be worthy of consideration. In addressing the disrespect Dobson speaks of subjects such as pain, confidence, action, separation, accountability and God. Rather than me try to explain his approach I have reprinted some statements from his book below

    A few quotes from Chapter 7:
    "...it is also true that God often uses pain and crises to bring a sinful person to his senses....Prodigal son decided to go home to daddy when his money ran out and he was eating with the pigs"

    "Remember that the basic marital problem usually involves matters of respect..."

    "The precipitated crises, first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging. pleading, wringing your hands and whimpering like an abused puppy, you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is CONFIDENCE, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, "I believe in me. I am no longer afraid. I can cope regardless of the outcome. I know something I am not talking about, I have had my day of sorrow and I am through crying. God and I can handle whatever life puts in my path



    The book is also about the disrespected spouse taking action so that the disrespect does not destroy you. If you leave your spouse the continuing disrespect will stop and allow you time to start healing from the affects of your husband’s actions

    The book also makes clear that by separating (no mention of divorce) from your spouse you will improve the chances of saving your marriage.

    Quote from page 124:
    ‘…separation that is intended not to kill the marriage but to rescue it….”

    “I believe that living apart for a period of time can clear the air for some families and permit the healing process to begin, especially where one partner is desperately in need of accountability”

    The book details how taking action to stop disrespect and bringing about accountability increases your chances of restoring your marriage to a much healthier relationship and that would be better for your children.

    Conversely, tolerating your spouses disrespect and potential infidelity can be disastrous. Dr. Dobson gives a real life situation where the wife (Sue) tolerated her husband’s disrespectful infidelity. Part of the story from page 23 is quoted below:
    “In the process of giving her children their father for a while longer, she also gave them a severely depressed, suicidal mother, and eventually, a family breakup. Her children continued to suffer today….”

    Dr. Dobson also points out that taking actions should be taken only after receiving guidance from the Holy Spirit and with professional Christian counseling.



    Do you all have any comments about Dobson’s advice?

    PS
    I am more interested in dicussing Dobson's method rather than the adultres husband.
     
  2. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

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    The Bible talks about humility. Dobson talks about CONFIDENCE. I'm curious what the rest of you think.
     
  3. mkgal1

    mkgal1 His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33

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    I don't see any contradiction, AL. Humility isn't a lack of confidence......it's knowing where our strength comes from. Our strength comes from God--not our spouses (as some spouses may subtly imply). Also.....another aspect of humility is willingly surrendering to God. Sometimes a person can feel torn, and will often be more surrendered to their spouse (as there are more tangible consequences for NOT surrendering to them). I believe that is a large part of what the book is describing---being able to gather the strength to actually follow Christ without reservation or fear.

    Stan, I think it's an excellent book (and biblical principles). I just wish it were accepted more in mainstream Christianity.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2011
  4. McScribe

    McScribe Me

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    Humility is clarity about who we are. As Paul says, neither things too high nor things too low. Was what I did tough love? I'm not even sure.
     
  5. dorig59

    dorig59 Senior Veteran

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    Hi Stan. This is probably totally beside the point of what you're looking for and I'm sorry for that. But the first thing that jumped out at me - and bothers me - is that its assuming that, of course, its the husband who's the "bad" spouse while the poor wife has been tolerating his naughty behavior. That's true in some cases, obviously, but there are also cases where its the opposite. Its not always the husband who's the bad guy. A lot of Dobson's scenarios seem to be the former, though.

    Again, sorry that this isn't what you were looking for, I just wanted to share the first observation off the top of my head.
     
  6. dorig59

    dorig59 Senior Veteran

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    Also, is this the book where the wife is advised to not let her husband see the children until he "shapes up?" There was something like this that we all got into a huge discussion on a year or two ago that went on forever.
     
    mkgal1 likes this.
  7. hijklmnop

    hijklmnop Guest

    I loved this book. It helped save my marriage and quite frankly, my sanity.
     
  8. hijklmnop

    hijklmnop Guest

    Most important thing in life I didn't know I had to learn!!! LOL I was blind to how dependent on my spouse I was until I was faced with not having him anymore. So glad to be free of that. :D
     
  9. dorig59

    dorig59 Senior Veteran

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    I definitely agree with the offended spouse not acting all pathetic. I think sometimes people think that being a Christian means you should let people walk all over you.
     
  10. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    Dori
    I think that Dobson also used other examples of the situation in the book with the woman being the offender. I loaned my book out several months ago to a person who needed it so I cannot go back and see for sure.

    Dobson is from the 50s and 60s era and he maybe a little like you said. In addition, it maybe that women come to him more than men. I hate generalizing these cases but I think that most men resist going to ask for help and especially if it is another man that is the counselor. That is my guess, I could be wrong.

    Another guess of mine is this. In the 50s and early 60s, when women did not seem to be as free as now, the offender seemed to be mostly the men. Dori, it is probably hard for men of that era to be as astute as you are about women.

    However, I think Dobson’s method may be of some help to the hurting, both male and female, even if he is not as astute as you. Believe me, I am no great fan of Dobson in all areas but this one he seems to have some worthy advice. The fact that I am not a great Dobson fan in every area is another story we can get into at some other time. I told Dobson that he was acting like JR Ewing of the show Dallas one time and quit sending him support money. However, I do believe that Dobson has some things right. I do not want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

    Thanks for your post Dori. I always like reading your posts and am glad to see you more active again on this forum. You posts make this forum better.

    Stan
     
  11. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    Did you read the BOLD part that came right after the word Confidence?
    Here it is again reprinted below:

    Did you notice that Dobson stated “GOD and I”?

    Do you think there is something wrong with the bolded statement made by Dobson?

    MKGAL1
    You did a very good job of responding to Autumnleaf!!
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2011
  12. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    Dori
    That is one of the things I like about Dobson’s words below:


    "The precipitated crises, first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging. pleading, wringing your hands and whimpering like an abused puppy, you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured."
     
  13. hijklmnop

    hijklmnop Guest

    Humility doesn't mean grovelling at the feet of one who uses you without repentance. That is what Dobson is urging spouses NOT to do in the face of a marital breakdown caused by one spouse clearly living in sin. One can be humble and have confidence at the same time. I see confidence (in God) as the happy medium between low self-esteem (not to be confused with humility) and pride.
     
  14. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    You have walked the walk so you have credibility to talk the talk.
    I am glad that you are now better
     
  15. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    In order to implement Dobson’s method, I think one should be forewarned that there will usually be lots of pain for the innocent party. That is why I think that it is important to understand that it is not being selfish to build yourself up instead of letting the depression set in. Building yourself up helps you withstand the pain. Sometimes the innocent one wants so desperately to change the other person that they spend too much time trying to fix the guilty and forget about building themselves up, body, mind, spirit, and emotionally. Often the innocent will spend too much time examining how wrong the other person is which wastes time.

    I know some churches promote the idea of just being sacrificial and waiting for the guilty party to see the light which works in some cases. To take care of you and quit trying to change the other person is sometimes looked at as being selfish by some churches. I think that can at times be a very serious mistake. If a person will not listen or change then the innocent party can improve things by taking action that has a good chance of bringing about accountability. Of course knowing where the fine line is for taking such action will take the leading of the spirit and good Christian counseling

    I am glad to see this alternative method in helping marriages in crises because we have way too many unresolved crises in the Christian community. I know it is not the solution to every crisis but I have seen it work and Dreamer has testified that it does work.


    If any of you can add another approach that will help families in a time of crises I would like to have you post it. If you feel that the Dobson approach is not valid then lets hear why.
     
  16. JaneFW

    JaneFW New Member

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    The underlined part strikes home. This is me a lot of the time. Ugh. Very uncomfortable to read.
     
  17. hijklmnop

    hijklmnop Guest

    When I read that book I was so embarrassed at my desperate behaviour up to that point that I cried. :(
     
  18. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    I would really like to know from everyone what action could one take to combat the underlined above?
     
  19. Johnnz

    Johnnz Senior Veteran Supporter

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    That stance completely ignores the reality of even the perfect love and wisdom of God being rejected by some people. if God doesn't 'get through' then there will be situations when no amount of self sacrifice will achieve a happy outcome.

    John
    NZ
     
  20. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    The sample letter and thoughts in blue below is the best letter that I have ever seen in regards to a spouse that just is determined that they are trapped and want out

    The words in black are from Dr. Dobson’s book, Love Must Be Tough, Hope for a marriage in crises”


     
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