Losing my "Virginity"

[javaluver]

Ask a not-as-Christian-minded group and you'll see that many are terrified of being inexperienced or having an inexperienced partner. "If we don't have sex befor marriage," they summarily seem to say, "what are we going to do if we marry and then discover that we're horrible together in bed?" Thus, experience can be seen as a plus.

I think that if you are marrying the person that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has chosen for you (and if you are at the alter this should be your position) then there won't be any problems in the bedroom. Why would God put people together who are not compatable?

 

[TriptychR]

I think that if you are marrying the person that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has chosen for you (and if you are at the alter this should be your position) then there won't be any problems in the bedroom. Why would God put people together who are not compatable?

That's how I feel, but you can't stop people from fearing it.

 

[BeautyForAshes]

Ask a not-as-Christian-minded group and you'll see that many are terrified of being inexperienced or having an inexperienced partner. "If we don't have sex befor marriage," they summarily seem to say, "what are we going to do if we marry and then discover that we're horrible together in bed?" Thus, experience can be seen as a plus.

I was thinking moreso in conversation when you meet someone new....does the first conversation go like
"Hi, My name is Jon Doe and I'm a virgin..." but I can see your point.

.....but not to be inappropriate, but after a certain age even if you are a virgin you should know that sex is something that two people will have to learn and experience together - regardless if virgins or not (or if one is a virgin and one isn't). Just because someone isn't a virgin doesn't mean that they are a good lover or will like the same thing that their partner does. Its all about learning to please one another.

Ok - My Dr. Ruth moment is over....

 

[Sketcher]

Twisted sketch,

I disagree with your thought that a person is bonded to their sexual partners "for life". A bond does occur, but does God release us from guilt, make us free? Or do nonvirg's have to pay a heavy penance of guilt for the rest of their lives?!

I believe that God forgives and restores. He rarely gives us amnesia about past partners, but the memory of the past has absolutely no power over the present, unless someone, either the nonvirg or the virg, gives it more power thant it deserves.

God usually doesn't protect us from the consequences such as diseases, having a child, or choosing to abort, etc. However, I imply from "for life" is that a nonvirg must pay penance for years, feeling of guilty or worthless, for having sex. Is my Lord not risen or not? He releases from guilt if we repent.

I personally wouldn't care if my husband had slept with 0, 5, or fifty women, as long as they stay in his past, i.e. he is not bonded w/him through his heart, their children, or memory. I can completely respect someone who doesn't want to marry a nonvirg. I assume that they are virg's themselves, not a problem, I completely understand.

Virgin of nonvirg, you always have to deal w/something in the past. Many virgin men are hooked on inappropriate contentography, and that's a major problem in keeping the marriage bed pure. What about those clear and present memories of the inappropriate content? (no, I don't think looking at inappropriate content makes takes your virginity)

But I refuse to accept that I must carry the guilt and shame, even after repentance, for the rest of my life! Sheeesh! I think that those emotions can be major burdens in seeking God - and if someone is still carrying those after repentance, it's not of God, but torture from either our own minds or the devil.

I'm not telling anyone to carry guilt and shame. I'm just echoing the earliest, most traditional Judeo-Christian teaching on sex which has been affirmed by people who have been there, such as Augustine.

If there was a Biblical promise of the bonds being cut, I would insist on it as much as the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ himself. However, there is none. I'm not going to say He NEVER restores people, but it is presumtuous to assume that He always will, since healing and forgiveness are two seperate animals. Has He miraculously healed terminal diseases? Yes. Does He do that all the time? Of course not. If there's one thing I refuse to do it is give someone false hope. When the dissolusionment kicks in, that can do unspeakable things to someone's faith.

Also, the bond is an unseen consequence of sex. Therefore its healing would also be unseen. However, at least with diseases you can get proof that it has gone away. With the bonding you cannot. That means I have to trust someone's belief about the situation which is hardly reliable, because so much of that is grounded in wishful thinking. If I'm going to believe God is breaking a bond and healing a heart, He's going to have to prove it to me. He's powerful and creative enough to do it. Until and unless He does, I will continue with my policy of only considering virgins and those (who are young enough) whose partners are dead.

So, in a nutshell: I acknowledge God's forgiveness fully. I'm just not going to claim His restoration unless I see evidence of it. If He restores you, good. Excellent. Wonderful. May He bless you richly.

 

[hoosier]

I think you're falling under the pressures from everyone else and especially the media. Everyone these days are talking about sex and how important it is, but you cannot fall under this sort of temptation. I believe, society has made us believe that sex is crucial to our lives and necessary for a fulfilling life...but you've got Jesus man, and that's all you need, really. So don't fall under the pressures of the media and continue praying for your future spouse!

 

[Timyone]

ive only read the first page of this so sorry if the toppic has changed, but i was a virgin till last year, and got drunk (after not drinking for 4 years) and lost it, then the next girl friend i had it a few times. im seriously not that into sex at the moment, ive only ever had bad experiences with it, i felt guilted into it by the second girl (yeah i know it was my choice). but yeah seriously getting laid isnt worth it!!
ive trashed my sex drive for the moment because of it?!
(yeah i know weirde as!?)

 

[lunalinda]

Someone mentioned sexual compatibility. I personally think that sexual compatibility woudn't have existed if everyone stayed virgins until marriage and stayed WITHIN their marriage. But since sex is tossed around so willy nilly nowadays, everyone's experiencing different things from different people instead of growing as a sexual being with the just the one person. It's possible to be compatible with one person. And if people would only realize that instread of trying to take people on "test drives," then it would all be better. Besides, when you're a virgin, you don't really know what you're missing, so therefore you wouldn't know what's a bad or good experience. You'd just be glad to have the experience. Least that's what I think.

 

[Miles]

Besides, when you're a virgin, you don't really know what you're missing, so therefore you wouldn't know what's a bad or good experience. You'd just be glad to have the experience. Least that's what I think.

That can work both ways. "You don't know what you're missing" isn't limited to the positive. Sometimes, when someone starts having sex, the reaction is more or less along the lines of "oh, that's what all the fuss is about?" At least I've read that much in (secular) biographies etc. Also, what if sex turns out to be a big disappointment? Some people build things up in their mind. Personally, I have always had an active imagination. There's a chance that neither she, nor reality, can live up to the expectation. I've heard of this happening to others. Not knowing what one is missing only goes so far.

But that segues into something I'd be more concerned about. What if she is experienced, and her experiences have been negative? What if she's been turned off to trying different positions etc. (sorry if that's too graphic) because an ex used to do this or that... and do it badly? What if she's stuck in a pattern developed through years of bad practice? When learning something, if you learn the wrong things, "experience" can become an obstacle to work around. Sort of like learning the wrong way to multiply (couldn't resist the pun), and then having to unlearn that stuff before being able to advance to the next level. Yes, I think about that sort of thing.

Anyway, I'm sure sexual compatibility is something that can be discussed beforehand. I don't mean so much the sensations, but attitudes about the subject. Some may be traditional. Others probably have a more creative and/or energetic approach. Or maybe neither partner wants to put much importance on the physical act (one may not want the sex act to rule their life). And, of course, problems from past relationships could be discussed too. If there's one reason for sexual incompatibility being discovered so late, it probably started with a lack of communication early on.

Anyway, to get back to the point, it seems my problem is a lack of hope. I just don't see a relationship happening after this time in my life. It's always been a matter of "well, I don't want to mess things up now because I might meet her tomorrow". It seems as though I'm running out of tomorrows. Ironically, part of the goal of my waiting was to get married before other people in my age group. They would still be out partying, and I'd be married by 25. That said, it wouldn't be fair to a woman to pursue a long-term relationship with her just for the sake of having sex. That's why if I did decide to do something about the old 'virginity' problem, I'd rather it be meaningless and detached from a relationship built on false pretenses.

I appreciate the input from people who say "don't do it, there's still a chance you'll meet her" because it gives me a degree of hope.

 

[Echoespeak006]

Just an aside to YOUR aside, you can "un-learn" bad behavior. Just because someone may have bad experience with previous partners, does not mean that will be the case with you. Someone can be a messy person initally but then learn to put into practice the skills needed to be a clean one. And considering that marriage is suppose to be until one of you croaks, you really do potentially have a lifetime to augment what needs to be augmented.

As for the original point, I suppose I'm having a hard time seeing why you're running out of hope. But then again, I've also been the one who assumed that for some guys, marrying in their 30s is A LOT better option than marrying in their 20s. And really, I still maintain that while YOU may be ready for a relationship, God may be still working on your wife-to-be.

 

[Miles]

Just an aside to YOUR aside, you can "un-learn" bad behavior. Just because someone may have bad experience with previous partners, does not mean that will be the case with you. Someone can be a messy person initally but then learn to put into practice the skills needed to be a clean one. And considering that marriage is suppose to be until one of you croaks, you really do potentially have a lifetime to augment what needs to be augmented.

I agree with you. Guess I was just venting a little about how experience can factor into the relationship. Bad things can likely be unlearned, just as lack of experience can be made up for with practice.

As for the original point, I suppose I'm having a hard time seeing why you're running out of hope. But then again, I've also been the one who assumed that for some guys, marrying in their 30s is A LOT better option than marrying in their 20s. And really, I still maintain that while YOU may be ready for a relationship, God may be still working on your wife-to-be.

Then I guess I'm 'one of those guys'... and everything I did (or didn't do) in my teens and 20s was all for naught. Of course, this is highly depressing, and makes it all to easy to doubt myself.

btw, I haven't given up yet... but what am I supposed to do? I'm a sinful, worldly guy. When I turned 20, the sinful part of me was sad that I didn't have sex as a teenager. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm so darned stubborn and idealistic, I almost definately would have had sex by now. People expect a 30 year old virgin to be somehow different, but I'm not sure if I want that kind of difference. I'm not 'holier' than anybody, and I just want to get on with my life. Sure I have Jesus, but Jesus isn't my wife, and he was never intended to be.

 

[Echoespeak006]

Then I guess I'm 'one of those guys'... and everything I did (or didn't do) in my teens and 20s was all for naught. Of course, this is highly depressing, and makes it all to easy to doubt myself.

Not necessarily. Its hard when you're involved in the journey to see the entire picture. Honestly, I don't think that's an assessment you can make until much, much later in this life. Actually, more likely in the next, for the simple fact that you're still walking the path. Perhaps, when you do get married, you'll recognize that the decisions you made in your younger years most certainly affected and hopefully are beneficial in your "older" ones.

btw, I haven't given up yet... but what am I supposed to do? I'm a sinful, worldly guy. When I turned 20, the sinful part of me was sad that I didn't have sex as a teenager. If it wasn't for the fact that I'm so darned stubborn and idealistic, I almost definately would have had sex by now. People expect a 30 year old virgin to be somehow different, but I'm not sure if I want that kind of difference. I'm not 'holier' than anybody, and I just want to get on with my life. Sure I have Jesus, but Jesus isn't my wife, and he was never intended to be.

Yeah, well, I guess that's the thing about being Christian. Just when you assume that by a certain point, you'll have things figured out, life bites you in the butt and you realize, you don't. To be honest, there are no simple answers, at least not the ones we want to hear. It ain't for nothing that perservance and faithfulness are virtues.

 

[lunalinda]

That can work both ways. "You don't know what you're missing" isn't limited to the positive. Sometimes, when someone starts having sex, the reaction is more or less along the lines of "oh, that's what all the fuss is about?" At least I've read that much in (secular) biographies etc. Also, what if sex turns out to be a big disappointment? Some people build things up in their mind. Personally, I have always had an active imagination. There's a chance that neither she, nor reality, can live up to the expectation. I've heard of this happening to others. Not knowing what one is missing only goes so far.

Well no, that's not limited to the positive, but see, it's not limited to the negative either. I guess I can understand what you mean, though, about people building up expectations and stuff. I have a feeling I'll be like one of those people who'd be like, "Oh, that's it?" after I have sex. But I'd rather have that reaction than something like, "Eh, I really enjoyed that other time I had sex with that one guy better than this time." I try not to build up expectations, though, because I know I'll have plenty of opportunities to have truly enjoyable experience with the one man in my life, even if I have to go through a bunch of bad ones to get there. The whole point is that either negative or positive experiences will always take a backseat the the fact that the experience in general is happening in the way that it should. And in the long run, and even in God's eyes, that's all that matters.

 

[+RubiesFire+]

Why not just have a one night stand and get it over with?

I waited because I thought I might meet my future wife tomorrow... or next week... or next year. Preferably tying the knot by 25. Well guess what? That didn't happen. I even went for years without meeting single available women, let alone Christian women I shared a mutual attraction with. Maybe I would have better spent that time in bars and clubs. Long term relationships filled with intellectual and spiritual integrity? Apparently fiction. <aybe that really worked in the 'good old days', but I just don't see it around me today.

It appears that I've been duped. I've been a sucker and a fool for believing that right would prevail. Or maybe it did, but I was in the wrong. Now I just want to get on with my life. A little older and a little wiser... perhaps. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Sure I've prayed... but it seems clear that in terms of relationships God only helps those who help themselves. Take an honest look at Christian married couples... seriously. In fact, he rewards the promiscuous with marriages and families while I pine alone under the moonlight. Why should this be so?

Can you believe that there are Christians that had lots of premarital sex and yet are already married? Isn't it astonishing that there are people my age with children? Well, I can't wrap my mind around either without a great deal of difficulty. Apparently each of them is a better human being than I. It feels like I'm where I was at 16, while everybody else has grown up. Despite being decent looking, reasonably smart, a highly romantic person, and trying to do the right thing, I have failed as a man. Perhaps due to negligence on the part of those around me, or more likely due to flaws in my own logic. This is very difficult to admit, and causes an emotional reaction that makes it all the more difficult to express. It drains my soul, and leaves me no choice but to stand beside myself and gawk at the wreckage.

Here I am, nearly 31, and all indicators point to the conclusion that I'm not getting any closer to a relationship. I love women, and I've always been a romantic at heart. While a one night stand isn't much, it's something to hold onto. I would like to make some memories to carry with me into the later years. To sit back and think that, perhaps just once, I was fully human, living out my design. Perhaps worthy of the impression of love, despite being unlovable in reality. My imagination is nearly boundless... I'm sure I can make myself think it was something beyond what it seemed. A wild night in Las Vegas may be just the ticket.

After all, I've never felt all dainty and naive like a "virgin" is supposed to be. I don't want just going on a date to be a big deal anymore. I don't want to keep being nervous that I may come on too strong etc. The self-loathing makes me sick. The lip-service Christian women give also makes me sick... they just go for the more experienced guys anyway. Experience brings confidence. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm tired of carrying the cross of being virgin man with erotic energy (pardon my explicitness) that simply has nowhere to go. In the long run, God will forgive. Goodness knows he made me.

Sure I'll probably contract AIDS from my lone sexual experience and die, or maybe the very next day I'll meet a would-be girlfriend who will leave me because of this action. But without even a pretense of love, life is empty and cold. It may be worth the risk.

So, why not? Can anyone offer a convincing reason why I shouldn't scrap this "male virgin" BS and just get on with my life? It's seriously cramping my style... especially at 30. There were opportunities to lose this burdon in the past... though at the time I thought I was being a strong man for not giving into temptation. Maybe that was a mistake. I have been very blessed with health and life, so maybe I should enjoy it before my hormones fade and/or I become too bitter, self-absorbed and warped by loneliness.




(FYI: Allowing myself to entertain certain possibilities has helped prevent me from making the mistakes in the past. Please do not interpret this post as an emphatic statement that I will definitely have sex before marriage. Also, please pardon the typos and grammatical errors... this is an emotional subject for me, and my proofreading is probably suffering for it.)

Even though I am 24 years old, let me tell you:

1. I have never been kissed.
2. I am still a Virgin

Does this upset me?
No.

Do I do this to please God?

It's hard, but I follow, I rather be Pure all my life, rather taking a chance of getting "Pregnant" or worse a Virus.

But do not let Satan tempt you! Will you take that chance of losing your place in Heaven for a one night stand? Seriously! Is lust more important to you than God?
A real man loves Jesus! And a real man does not seek the touch of a woman for his own pleasures!

I wish there were more men like you in this world, but I am sorry to say, Satan is destroying the best by blinding them with corrupt thoughts and actions.

 

[Macrina]

I appreciate the input from people who say "don't do it, there's still a chance you'll meet her" because it gives me a degree of hope.

I think there is more than a chance. As someone your age, I know how it feels to hit 30 and feel like the oddball. And I know that you as a man face greater challenges in this respect than we women do. All I can do is offer my perspective: I am encouraged when I hear of a man my age who has not had sex. It makes me think that perhaps it's not too late for me to find someone who has waited, as I have. I've never been in the position of seriously dating a man who didn't have more experience than me. While it's not the end of the world, or even the end of the relationship, it is hurtful to think that the man you are with has shared himself intimately with another woman. I can get over it, but not without a twinge of sadness and insecurity. What a blessing it would be to find a man whose intimate past did not require me to "get over" such a difficult issue. Please know that there are more of us out here -- we don't go advertising our sexual status, but we're here, and we sometimes wonder if it is possible to find a man who shares our lack of experience. I'm not really comfortable talking about sexual things with guys, but I wanted to speak up as a fellow member of the 30-something-virgin club and let you know that yeah, there are more of us out here, and it encourages women to know that men like you are out there.

 

[Marks19]

I Think You Will Be Disappointed If You Have Sex Before You Get Married. B/c You Say Your A Romantic And If You Really Are A "one Night Stand" Will Tear Your Heart In Half. That Longing You Have For Love Will Still Be There And Not Only That You'll Most Likely Be Angry With Your Self For Giving In. And I Can Guarantee You That A One Nighter Will Be A Total Let Down, B/c Having Sex Just To Do It Is The Worst Sex Possible(trust Me).... But Having Sex With Someone Your Totally In Love With Like Wanna Spend The Rest Of Your Life With Them And Never Want To Leave Their Side real love (not Lust) Well Ive Never Had Sex Like That Before But I Bet Its Truly Worth The Wait And Amazing.

 

[jehovahjira]

I'M A VIRGIN, THATS RIGHT LADIES I'VE YET TO BE TRAINED!!!!! LOL but i'm not letting the training begin till i'm married hehehe "evil grin" lol which will never be

 

[Johnnz]

I Think You Will Be Disappointed If You Have Sex Before You Get Married. B/c You Say Your A Romantic And If You Really Are A "one Night Stand" Will Tear Your Heart In Half. That Longing You Have For Love Will Still Be There And Not Only That You'll Most Likely Be Angry With Your Self For Giving In. And I Can Guarantee You That A One Nighter Will Be A Total Let Down, B/c Having Sex Just To Do It Is The Worst Sex Possible(trust Me).... But Having Sex With Someone Your Totally In Love With Like Wanna Spend The Rest Of Your Life With Them And Never Want To Leave Their Side real love (not Lust) Well Ive Never Had Sex Like That Before But I Bet Its Truly Worth The Wait And Amazing.

I hold to having sex within marriage - period. But we can get a bit too sentimental about sex before then, and end up with some things to sort through later.

There are people whose only regret about sex before marriage many years later is that they started as late as they did/did not do it more often (usually guys).

First sexual experiences within or outside of marriage are often not that great, more so for many women. There is quite a bit of learning to do about good sex. Look for bells pealing on the first ocassion and you may be disappointed! That does not mean it wasn't special though, just that there is much more in store.

Keeping sex for marriage must be founded more deeply in values than just for 'better sex'. Sex is about relationship, mutual fulfillment and comittment to keep sex alive within the long term of a marriage.

John
NZ

 

[savvy24]

:::: U SAID THIS::::::::::As for the verse, I feel that being a male virgin is perhaps more effeminate than having sex once in 30 years would make me a fornicator. When I think about it, I feel like less of a man. For some reason, my confidence is foundering in the face of that.

this is what u said in the beggining and i saw soemthin . which was there when u said it makes u feel less like a man , and then u said later that u know it would please God to not do it ,

God loves u and knows what is going on and is totally aware ...

but in that state ment how u siad it makes u feel less like a man . that might be true how u feel but why becasue ur lookin at it in a humanly and fleshy way ... us being christians is super hard sometimes in areas like this . but we are made in the image of God and we no longer are supposed to live and see things in a worldly fleshy way .... that is the one thing eating at u .. it bugs u .. but u know what i see,, my friends all the time having sex .and all kinds of poeple i use to hang with. but u know what the truth is
there the one that are stupid their giving themsleves to stupid people. most of the time the other person dont care and is using them just to have a peson and a sex partner.

plus they are misarable,, they long for what we have and that is God and for God to bring them a wife or husband,
u do what God said and he wil deliver ur wife . he is not a lier he said he is our provider and he made us to have a wife and a husband , and to have love. and he will send her ur way but , u know what i think this is ,/.... for the devil to mess with u and try to make u fall .... alot of time the devils messes with us the most when there is a break thru right around the corner and something Good usaully come after the devil is bugging and trying to get u to mess up ....
i will pray for God to bring u ur wife , but u have to submitt to God ...
and i mean willing submit , do u believe him or not

he cant fail u , now there might be things that u and ur wife God has for u needs to change before u meet , but God will eventually bring her... and
and i wanna say i am happy for u
and very shocked that u waited this long it is hard and i give u thumbs up and i say keep going .
dont let the 30 years be in a waste to let the devil trick u
man , i belive in God and i know he will bring u ur wife .
i myself and in process of waiting for my husband and God has shown me who mine is on my 18 birthday that morning and now i am almost 20 in like 26 days i think

but it is hard to wait and it is hard to really trust him (God) becasue it seems like it will never happen , and is this even true , u know .

so i say to u to pray and talk to God

spend time with him

and for one dont go waste the gift u have , becasue u cnat get it back really .
ur special
ur not worth soem cheasy girl
ur a better gift than all that in the world
and that is really special
keep fighting the good fight , it is not about what the world thinks .. and not even about the world
it is about God .. he created it

and he can give ur wife to u

 

[savvy24]

Please Read What I Said , To The Guy Who Did This Thread ,
This Is For U To Read Please I Was Gonna Email U This But It Was Blocked

 

[Miles]

A real man loves Jesus! And a real man does not seek the touch of a woman for his own pleasures!

Thinking about it that way stops me cold in my tracks. That's why I don't think I could bring myself to seeing a prostitute (well, that and a myriad of other reasons)... it would be totally selfish. Rather, I was thinking with someone who willingly wants to do uhh, what lots of secular singles do.

Anyway, you're right.

I think there is more than a chance. As someone your age, I know how it feels to hit 30 and feel like the oddball. And I know that you as a man face greater challenges in this respect than we women do. All I can do is offer my perspective: I am encouraged when I hear of a man my age who has not had sex. It makes me think that perhaps it's not too late for me to find someone who has waited, as I have. I've never been in the position of seriously dating a man who didn't have more experience than me. While it's not the end of the world, or even the end of the relationship, it is hurtful to think that the man you are with has shared himself intimately with another woman. I can get over it, but not without a twinge of sadness and insecurity. What a blessing it would be to find a man whose intimate past did not require me to "get over" such a difficult issue. Please know that there are more of us out here -- we don't go advertising our sexual status, but we're here, and we sometimes wonder if it is possible to find a man who shares our lack of experience. I'm not really comfortable talking about sexual things with guys, but I wanted to speak up as a fellow member of the 30-something-virgin club and let you know that yeah, there are more of us out here, and it encourages women to know that men like you are out there.

Well, this is the only place where I've shared this facet of my life. Other than my parents (and you all), I don't think anybody else knows... not even my RL friends. It's certainly not something I would bring up on a first, or second, or third date. You're probably right that there are others out there... and I'm thinking that they may be as private about that part of their lives.

It's nice to hear that there are other late-20s early-30s types out there who have also waited (not that there's anything wrong with those who haven't). Hang in there, and be encouraged that I find it encouraging.


On that note, there's one thing I'd like to add: It may not be fair to say that guys face a greater challenge in this area. We men are probably less likely to feel coerced into doing something that we otherwise might avoid. There are probably girls out there that aren't virgins, simply because they were pressured into it by their boyfriends. Guys usually do the pursuing, and some women may also feel compelled to have sex with a guy just to keep him from leaving. Additionally, I'd imagine a woman might be more eager to start a family while she's young, and that might manifest itself in stronger urges. If you ask me, it's arguably at least as impressive when a woman has managed to save herself for marriage at our age. (not that we count as 'old' yet)