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Losing my "Virginity"

Discussion in 'Singles (only*)' started by Miles, Jun 25, 2006.

  1. Miles

    Miles forever endeavour

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    Why not just have a one night stand and get it over with?

    I waited because I thought I might meet my future wife tomorrow... or next week... or next year. Preferably tying the knot by 25. Well guess what? That didn't happen. I even went for years without meeting single available women, let alone Christian women I shared a mutual attraction with. Maybe I would have better spent that time in bars and clubs. Long term relationships filled with intellectual and spiritual integrity? Apparently fiction. <aybe that really worked in the 'good old days', but I just don't see it around me today.

    It appears that I've been duped. I've been a sucker and a fool for believing that right would prevail. Or maybe it did, but I was in the wrong. Now I just want to get on with my life. A little older and a little wiser... perhaps. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

    Sure I've prayed... but it seems clear that in terms of relationships God only helps those who help themselves. Take an honest look at Christian married couples... seriously. In fact, he rewards the promiscuous with marriages and families while I pine alone under the moonlight. Why should this be so?

    Can you believe that there are Christians that had lots of premarital sex and yet are already married? Isn't it astonishing that there are people my age with children? Well, I can't wrap my mind around either without a great deal of difficulty. Apparently each of them is a better human being than I. It feels like I'm where I was at 16, while everybody else has grown up. Despite being decent looking, reasonably smart, a highly romantic person, and trying to do the right thing, I have failed as a man. Perhaps due to negligence on the part of those around me, or more likely due to flaws in my own logic. This is very difficult to admit, and causes an emotional reaction that makes it all the more difficult to express. It drains my soul, and leaves me no choice but to stand beside myself and gawk at the wreckage.

    Here I am, nearly 31, and all indicators point to the conclusion that I'm not getting any closer to a relationship. I love women, and I've always been a romantic at heart. While a one night stand isn't much, it's something to hold onto. I would like to make some memories to carry with me into the later years. To sit back and think that, perhaps just once, I was fully human, living out my design. Perhaps worthy of the impression of love, despite being unlovable in reality. My imagination is nearly boundless... I'm sure I can make myself think it was something beyond what it seemed. A wild night in Las Vegas may be just the ticket.

    After all, I've never felt all dainty and naive like a "virgin" is supposed to be. I don't want just going on a date to be a big deal anymore. I don't want to keep being nervous that I may come on too strong etc. The self-loathing makes me sick. The lip-service Christian women give also makes me sick... they just go for the more experienced guys anyway. Experience brings confidence. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm tired of carrying the cross of being virgin man with erotic energy (pardon my explicitness) that simply has nowhere to go. In the long run, God will forgive. Goodness knows he made me.

    Sure I'll probably contract AIDS from my lone sexual experience and die, or maybe the very next day I'll meet a would-be girlfriend who will leave me because of this action. But without even a pretense of love, life is empty and cold. It may be worth the risk.

    So, why not? Can anyone offer a convincing reason why I shouldn't scrap this "male virgin" BS and just get on with my life? It's seriously cramping my style... especially at 30. There were opportunities to lose this burdon in the past... though at the time I thought I was being a strong man for not giving into temptation. Maybe that was a mistake. I have been very blessed with health and life, so maybe I should enjoy it before my hormones fade and/or I become too bitter, self-absorbed and warped by loneliness.




    (FYI: Allowing myself to entertain certain possibilities has helped prevent me from making the mistakes in the past. Please do not interpret this post as an emphatic statement that I will definitely have sex before marriage. Also, please pardon the typos and grammatical errors... this is an emotional subject for me, and my proofreading is probably suffering for it.)
     
  2. shinbits

    shinbits New Member

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    1. 1 Corinthians 6:9 (Whole Chapter) King James Version (KJV)
      Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,
    Something you really need to remember; the reason we don't have sex outside of marriage has nothing to do with whether we get married or not. It has to do with pleasing God, and obeying Him.

    Peace.
     
  3. mwb

    mwb Senior Veteran

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    You won't do it because it's not you. Even if you are 40 & still waiting, you still will not have the one night stand because it's not you.

    I've learned it's better to stay true to oneself. You may feel miserable at times but you'd feel even worse if you didn't stay true to yourself.
     
  4. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    You need prayer more than you need advice because deep down you know that sex is better withing marraige, that most if not all of those Christian couples you know would love to erase their pre-marital mistakes, and that as a follower of Christ who bears His great name, you have no business having premarital sex.

    I have hormones too, and they can wear on my conscience horribly. I've considered various ways to lose my virginity, but my identity and place is with God not sex.

    This conclusion of "It's OK if I do this, God will forgive and make it all better" is what I hate about this whole "second virginity" teaching. If it's correct, you and I ought to both go out, find some willing women and get some. We'll feel guilty about it in time, we'll ask for forgiveness, and it will be as if it never happened. This sin carries consequences, and virginity is freedom from those consequences. We don't have the regrets that the ex-fornicators have. We don't have the pain, diseases, or child support payments. We don't have the relational strain with the exes.
     
  5. LonelyTraveler

    LonelyTraveler Still alive....

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    OK, so I'm strong and I never get any and I die alone having never known what sex is like. Do I get into Heaven? maybe, maybe not. Cause there's always gonna be somebody who brings up the whole schpiel about how our works are worthless in God's eyes and that we're saved by grace. So we can't win either way! We either die alone and bitter and cold because no one showed us love, and get condemned to Hell because we didn't believe in a God who did nothing to help us; or we sin and sin and sin and sin and enjoy life and be human and do all these things that we're not supposed to do and then at the last minute say "God, I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to resist temptation." and get into Heaven. That's just BS. Why even be Christian at all?
     
  6. Keri

    Keri Legend Supporter

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    I regret giving up my virginity when I was 18. I was young and naive. I wish I could turn back time and do it the right way.

    It's not worth giving it away to someone who will most likely not commit to you.

    What you have is a precious gift that is meant for your wife. She will come.

    PS... I think virgin guys are hot. ;) lol
     
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  7. Miles

    Miles forever endeavour

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    As for the verse, I feel that being a male virgin is perhaps more effeminate than having sex once in 30 years would make me a fornicator. When I think about it, I feel like less of a man. For some reason, my confidence is foundering in the face of that.

    I agree that abstaining has to do with pleasing God and obeying him. Good point. It's just that he usually has a reason behind his commands. I'm not seeing that in this case, as it relates to me.


    I want to agree with you. But what is my true self? Am I not also man created to love a woman? Do I not have emotional and physical needs?

    Where is my "helper" and friend?


    That's what I dislike about that 'second virginity' thing too. But you know, we're the bad ones in that deal. It's as if the frustration and pain we go through counts for naught... as though it doesn't reall matter at all. But who knows? Maybe they're right. I feel that I've given it a fair chance.

    I agree that sexual sin carries consequences... especially in terms of pregancy and sickness. In order to avoid getting her pregnant, maybe I'll get a vasectomy. Some might say that a 30 year old virgin probably isn't fit enough for offspring anyway. Eliminating that possibility may be a good thing. If I remain alone as I am, nobody will care if I'm sick (other than extended family). Perhaps it's worth the trade-off.

    You're right that I know the correct choice... but there are no guarantees that it will go badly, and it's not like I would be taking a blind risk.
     
  8. Kairos

    Kairos Guest

    You're still young, it's not like you're on your death bed or something. Having premarital sex with someone you don't love won't fill the void you have in your heart. Just focus on your relationship with God. He has a plan for your life. Sometimes we grow impatient in life but we just have to place our trust in God and accept things will take place in His time.
     
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  9. Gilbertgrape

    Gilbertgrape Guest

    What if you concieve a baby with her?

    What about STD's?

    I highly doubt you would enjoy it as much as you think you might, and I do think that you would regret it at some point.

    I apologised to my wife for not waiting.
     
  10. Miles

    Miles forever endeavour

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    My relationship status is weakening my faith. Perhaps God hates me. Or maybe God really does love me, but he's not the one telling me to wait. I'm confused.


    I can see how I might have regretted losing my virginity at 18, with the possibility of meeting my spouse several years later (and I'm sure you will meet someone... most do). But at 30, I wonder if I'm just holding onto false hope. Being this single for this long makes me wonder if I'm even worth being committed to. Sure I was, say, 7 years ago... but today?
     
  11. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    Biblically though, we are right and they are not. Are you going to go with a false hope or with what the Bible says?

    You would get a vasectomy to avoid the consequences of a decadent lifestyle? Lame. I'm pretty sure you will get around to caring on some level if you get an STD. Particularly one of the nasty ones.

    All sin goes badly for the sinner either in the short term or in the long term. The Bible is very clear about that.

    "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature[a]will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." - Galatians 6:7-9
     
  12. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    You know that Scripture tells us the opposite. That is a lie from the pit, with a purpose to make you miserable.
     
  13. Alexander1982

    Alexander1982 New Member

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    Ladies and gentlemen

    This is what me and MrkGuy75 have in common, our faith in God is dying because of His persistence on us to wait. My faith and patience may be weaker then MrKGuy's, but I know exactly what I need to stay away from this sin - it's hope. And with hope I will wait and the faith gets stronger. But hope does not come from me...it mostly comes from God - that's all I need from Him.

    I am sitll a virgin, but I am one step away from fornication. I could chose to sleep with an escort, however my desire for a future wife has told me to not to throw away my virginty
     
  14. Keri

    Keri Legend Supporter

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    Didn't you hear that 30 is the new 20? Lol. Age is just a number. And I would know because my first boyfriend was 36 and my last boyfriend was 22. I didn't think any better or worse of either of them just because of their age. It all had to do with their personality.

    You are not holding on to false hope. And you ARE worth being committed to, yes even today. And BECAUSE of you age, it shows your maturity, dedication, respect for God's commands and willingness to do what is right. IMO, you are more desireable in a husband because of the fact that you have diligence to do the right thing and the ability to say "no". Verses an 19 or 20 year old who hasn't had the opportunity as you have.

    Mrkguy75, what you have is a good thing. Keep it. Save it for her.
     
  15. lunalinda

    lunalinda Random. Raw. Real

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    I sometimes get those same feelings. Okay granted, I'm a girl and a few years younger, but still. I'm still at this child-bearing age, possessing a body that is capable of so much more than merely existing just to eat, sleep, and walk, and still...nothing. I can't be as physical I want to be, can't caress a man or let him caress me (at least too much) because neither one of us want to go beyond the point of no return, so the whole thing would end up being just another tease about what we're missing out on. So many other people out there, both Christian and non-Christian alike are all able to wallow in their intimacies and love-making while I'm sitting here, wondering if my time will come where I can be a part of that world as well. It's dang torture sometimes, especially when all you want to do is just be what your human body wants you to be.

    But alas, as much as I've love to have sex one day for whatever reason, even if it's something as simpley as just being HELD again, I just can't see myself being at the mercy of the man who'd do that to me. To allow myself to be used for his pleasure, even if I myself might get pleasure is just...too much. It's bad enough I gave away my heart twice to men who didn't really care to have it, but my body in totality? I have to draw the line somewhere. I still have a lot more to offer than whatever my hormones tell me to do, and I guess I long to have that respected more than anything.

    "Why should this be?" you ask? A very good question that I wonder myself. Even divorced people seem to be doing just fine in finding new mates who can love them and want to be with them and want to marry them. Then here we virgins are, ready for the loving and no one seems to want us. I just don't get it. Exactly how much more faith should we have to get our own little attention? It doesn't make sense anymore, and yet I still want so badly for it to make sense.

    Yes, I believe lots of Christians have premarital sex and are already married, though it's still difficult to stomach. If I was my mom I'd be married with 3 kids by now. I'd already have a family. I'd already be at that stage in life where people would really want me. Need me. Appreciate me. Seek me. I'd be at that stage where I'd feel important. But no. I'm stuck. Or at least that's how I feel.

    Because I've never had these sorts of feelings in my teens (first bf at 21), I actually feeling like I AM 16, so it's kind of similar to you. I feel like these urges should have been passed and dealt with long ago. Like I should have had my first kiss and boyfriend in highschool and not in my twenties. Should have gone to my prom or out on a romantic dinner by now. Should have been "grown up" already. It's like I've fallen behind trying to be right and do right. However annoying those feelings are, though, I wouldn't say you've failed as a man. If it's more manly to lose virginity at the earliest possible convenience, regardless of how you feel about the other girl, then you've surpassed the "men." Yeah, you feel like you're reaching the end of your rope (me too), but you just can't let it get the better of you. Heck, I can't either.

    I can be as expressive as you in your post, but to be honest with myself, I don't think I'd have what it takes to make even a one-night-stand mean anything more than it is. I already let myself get tortured by the relationships I've had that I THOUGHT meant something, trying to make them more than what they ended up being. A one-night stand would just make it so much more. I'd likely drive myself crazy in my hurt that it really was a one-night stand and thus feel even worse than I felt before I'd succumb to it. And anyone, knowing something is a sin before willingly deciding to do it is far worse than helplessly giving in only to realize later. So I guess, because I love God and everything He stands for, I just have to be obedient in this area, though it's very very difficult sometimes. Honestly, it would just be so nice if He just said, "Okay guys, you've been patient enough and honored me enough, here is your mate." Man that would be so nice. *sigh*

    I don't have any great advice or reason to convince you to scrap what you call "BS," because that's between you and God. All I know is, if we all know that fornication is a sin and we choose to do it to please our flesh instead...well...that's pretty bad. Sometimes our flesh is just so difficult to shut up sometimes though! Just hang in there. Even if you know you'll physically pull through, don't forget about your feelings on the matter and don't let them run away with you. As for me, I'll try and do the same. *cringes again*
     
  16. Alexander1982

    Alexander1982 New Member

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    He can only save it if he knows if there is a future wife him. That what He and I need - hope..
     
  17. bella_song

    bella_song Active Contributor

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    What if God is calling you to cellibacy, are you willing to follow Him even there?

    The fact that you are posting this idea on an online forum means that you probably already know that it is a bad idea and you probably will not do it.

    I can see that you are incredibly frusturated by this whole thing, but if you really desire a wife, whis attitude will not get you one. Obviously if you have held out this long, this is not your full time attitude, and everyone needs to vent every once in a while. Stay strong man! Follow God and you will be very much rewarded in heaven and then there will be no regrets!
     
  18. mwb

    mwb Senior Veteran

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    That would be the ultimate cruel irony. Finding someone just for one night then finding your true love who has been saving herself for you & having to tell her that you had a meaningless encounter.
     
  19. Keri

    Keri Legend Supporter

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    God calls only a select few to be single. And God's promises offer hope.

    Jeremiah 29:11

    "For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, says the Lord, thoughts of good and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. "

    Once you both are able to fully depend on Him, when it comes to your need for love and fulfillment, then He will bring a woman into both of your lives to be your wife.

    And that night on your wedding night, you and your wife will be praising and thanking the Lord for the gift you gave her and it's going to be amazing knowing you will only share that with one woman.
     
  20. chemica

    chemica New Member

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    Definitely know how you feel. In the U.S., the average age virginity is lost is 15-16, and by age 21 it is estimated that 85-95% of people have lost their virginity.

    It sickens me because I feel like this was a false promise. Instead of this being seen as positive I am seen as an aberration and outcast. Many women are disgusted by virgins past the age of 18.

    I seriously don't know a single person at my university who is still a virign, and yea I do get jealous and anrgy sometimes. There seem to be no consequences to their actions, and it sometimes seems like why not?

    I certainly in know way condemn or blame them. But irritates me so badly when they use quib remarks like "your deeds are filthy in the eyes of the lord." Makes me feel like, what on earth am I doind this for?

    So you are past 20 and a virgin, what do you do? Well, so the choice is obeying God or obeying the world. The world's answer seems so easy, just a short drive to your local bar or club. At the same time Gos's answer seems so long, it will be till the end of their days for many. But hey, I've always been up for a challenge, and as angry as I get with God sometimes, maybe he might remember me someday.
     
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