I am not diagnosed yet but it seems as if BPD is a perfect fit for me. I had my share of troubles during my childhood and joined the army to try to build something of my life. I've been married for 15 years (met my wife in the army) and its been great at times but mostly a struggle.
We both come from divorced families and both suffer from sexual trauma, neglect/abandonment, and both have a history of self harm and suicide attempts...a match made in heaven! As I child I was diagnosed with several illnesses from depression to bipolar and was on various anti this or that throughout. Eventually I rebelled from treatment and needs and dedicated myself to becoming successful and shedding the stigma of being sick... Army, marriage, 2 kids, college, good job, etc. It sorta worked but I was always irritable with the kids and my wife because it was exhausting. I thought it was the normal stresses of the daily grind that made me irritable but I took it out on the kids and wife despite their lack of any control over any of it.
A short time after we were married, I began to feel connected to my wife...We were fighting a lot and didn't spend a lot of time with each other with both of us having full time jobs and raising our first child. We weren't meeting each others needs and as a result I started feeling disconnected. I ended up being unfaithful to my wife with 3 different women (separate times) over a couple of years. I never slept with any of them but I was physical in all 3 to varying degrees. I was in a bad place. I felt the guilt, shame, and unworthiness. I thought I could keep this to myself and just be a better husband and "make up for it".
I was wrong. I recently confessed all to my wife a few months ago and it has been rough obviously. Through the last few months we have been counseled by our church and my wife has seen a psychiatrist resulting in a bipolar diagnosis. I started reading about bipolar as well and, while I have symptoms of bp, I share more traits with BPD. I am a splitter big time. I have an appt for my own diagnosis but I'm pretty sure what will happen.
I am praying for strength and patience but many times I am overwhelmed by guilt and shame of my actions which leads me to not feeling worthy of my wife which leads me to split and she gets hurt once again. Its a messed up cycle that is certainly bigger than me at the moment. I am pretty sure my treatment requires medication but I have no clue what I need. I would love to stop hurting the people I love and love me.
I guess I'm not sure why I am sharing...maybe to be known or maybe just need prayers and hope.
Thanks for reading
We both come from divorced families and both suffer from sexual trauma, neglect/abandonment, and both have a history of self harm and suicide attempts...a match made in heaven! As I child I was diagnosed with several illnesses from depression to bipolar and was on various anti this or that throughout. Eventually I rebelled from treatment and needs and dedicated myself to becoming successful and shedding the stigma of being sick... Army, marriage, 2 kids, college, good job, etc. It sorta worked but I was always irritable with the kids and my wife because it was exhausting. I thought it was the normal stresses of the daily grind that made me irritable but I took it out on the kids and wife despite their lack of any control over any of it.
A short time after we were married, I began to feel connected to my wife...We were fighting a lot and didn't spend a lot of time with each other with both of us having full time jobs and raising our first child. We weren't meeting each others needs and as a result I started feeling disconnected. I ended up being unfaithful to my wife with 3 different women (separate times) over a couple of years. I never slept with any of them but I was physical in all 3 to varying degrees. I was in a bad place. I felt the guilt, shame, and unworthiness. I thought I could keep this to myself and just be a better husband and "make up for it".
I was wrong. I recently confessed all to my wife a few months ago and it has been rough obviously. Through the last few months we have been counseled by our church and my wife has seen a psychiatrist resulting in a bipolar diagnosis. I started reading about bipolar as well and, while I have symptoms of bp, I share more traits with BPD. I am a splitter big time. I have an appt for my own diagnosis but I'm pretty sure what will happen.
I am praying for strength and patience but many times I am overwhelmed by guilt and shame of my actions which leads me to not feeling worthy of my wife which leads me to split and she gets hurt once again. Its a messed up cycle that is certainly bigger than me at the moment. I am pretty sure my treatment requires medication but I have no clue what I need. I would love to stop hurting the people I love and love me.
I guess I'm not sure why I am sharing...maybe to be known or maybe just need prayers and hope.
Thanks for reading
