D
DruryGirl
Guest
Hi, gang. Something’s been bothering me since Friday and I just want to tell a stupid OCD story. I just need to get it off my chest.
Some background: I’m a compulsive vow-maker. Almost four years ago my OCD kicked in full-force and I became totally obsessed with vows. I suffer from constant compulsive thoughts related to it. I frequently vow to “protect” things or just as a form of compulsive decision-making. The compulsion to vow is with me every day of my life. Yes, I sometimes make a choice to vow, not just the OCD thought but I consciously vow (albeit almost always out of compulsion).
When all this started four years ago, I started making hardcore “protective” vows. I would obsessively say, “My no is no to vows. I reject all vows. I say no in advance. My no is no.” I knew I had a serious problem with OCD thoughts and became petrified that I would wind up making some stupid vow out of compulsion and live in bondage. (The latter of which has become the story of my life.)
So anyway, every important decision to be made (and many trivial matters) have been overwhelmed by compulsive vows. I could talk for hours about this, but let’s focus on the one that’s bothering me now.
Earlier this spring, I was offered a room for rent with a Christian family. I was interested but they pulled out suddenly due to a problem with the landlord. I was disappointed, but kept busy looking for another apartment and considering new living situations. Meanwhile, this family worked something out with the landlord, got in touch with me again, and offered the room. I accepted and moved in about a month ago.
On Friday I began vaguely remembering making a compulsive vow. As I looked for apartments I had decided I wouldn’t be comfortable with male roommates. I stand by this even now: as a young single female, I would not be comfortable to live with a single man, two guys, etc. I’m not even talking about living with a boyfriend, I just mean a situation where I would platonically live with men. (Think “Three’s Company,” lol.) However, I would be okay with living with a family. At any rate, I may have made some
vow about not having male roommates.
When I had this vague memory (I’m pretty sure it happened but not positive), I became very upset and agitated, as I live with a married couple and their two children--a boy and a girl. Thus I have two male roommates. I was so upset I was vomiting over it. I was angry with myself for doing yet another stupid thing out of compulsion. I felt like I would have to move out right away. (This was so upsetting because this arrangement is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am so happy here it’s not even funny.)
Within a few hours, I recalled more details. (I’m pretty sure this happened but I can’t be positive.) I think I remember adding stipulations to this vow, that I could rent a room with a family or live with males as part of my own family. I think the vow, if it indeed occurred, happened after I had been turned down for the room the first time and while I was looking at apartments, so it would have been fresh in my mind that I might want to rent a room with a family (and thus would have male roommates that I would be comfortable with).
I felt better for a while after remembering the maybe-happened loophole, but it has crumbled to obsessive-compulsive doubts. What if I made the vow and did not really make the loophole? What if I thought of the loophole later, after the vow was made and the vow was already binding and unchangeable? I feel like being unsure that you remember a destructive binding vow is just as good as if you had made the vow (you don’t want to take a chance that you lied to God), but if you’re not sure you made a loophole it “doesn’t count” because you’re not sure. I’m so angry and frustrated, because I feel like I have to base my whole life around half-remembered thoughts that may or may not have happened in the “right” way. I have other worries, too. What if I made the loophole but didn’t “phrase it right”? What if my mind invented a false memory? (This can happen.)
Due to all the surrounding doubt, I obsess over the Bible verses about “obeying your conscience” even if it’s weak, and that if you can’t be absolutely sure something is not a sin then don’t do it. “If in doubt go without.” I’m so sick of that one. Every time I have doubt about something (which is constantly) it gets ruined for me and I have to live in guilt, confusion, and bondage.
Sometimes I feel a compulsion toward making a vow, but don’t actually make it. Later I struggle with doubt over not remembering whether I actually vowed or if it was just a compulsion that I didn’t act on. Then I feel like I have to keep the vow even though I’m not sure it was actually made. I hate OCD so much.
So anyway, I feel this constant guilt of living in this house with my male housemates. I’ve obsessed over loopholes. (I actually debated asking if I could buy an RV and live in their yard, thus circumventing the whole “roommate” thing. This is how extreme it is.)
The guilt has gone beyond just my thoughts and gotten into like my whole body. I feel this constant tension all over. To try to “counter-vow” I’ve made repeated vows to live with these people for a set time, but I don’t know if it counts if I already have an existing vow not to have male roommates (even though I don’t know that it really happened for definite, but I think it did and I also think I really did make loopholes).
So in conclusion, I hate OCD. Sorry this is so long, but I really needed to vent, this has been eating me and making me guilty and miserable. I can’t even stand the sound of my housemates’ voices anymore because it just reminds me. Everything feels sinful--having friendships with these people, interacting with the landlord. This city feels sinful.
I wish I could go back to the normal days when I worried about sins like lying and cussing and lust, instead of whether I might have made a vow in 2007 to not wear a certain color on the third Tuesday of every month. (Not a real worry, just a hypothetical to show how extreme and ridiculous my OCD feels to me.)
Some background: I’m a compulsive vow-maker. Almost four years ago my OCD kicked in full-force and I became totally obsessed with vows. I suffer from constant compulsive thoughts related to it. I frequently vow to “protect” things or just as a form of compulsive decision-making. The compulsion to vow is with me every day of my life. Yes, I sometimes make a choice to vow, not just the OCD thought but I consciously vow (albeit almost always out of compulsion).
When all this started four years ago, I started making hardcore “protective” vows. I would obsessively say, “My no is no to vows. I reject all vows. I say no in advance. My no is no.” I knew I had a serious problem with OCD thoughts and became petrified that I would wind up making some stupid vow out of compulsion and live in bondage. (The latter of which has become the story of my life.)
So anyway, every important decision to be made (and many trivial matters) have been overwhelmed by compulsive vows. I could talk for hours about this, but let’s focus on the one that’s bothering me now.
Earlier this spring, I was offered a room for rent with a Christian family. I was interested but they pulled out suddenly due to a problem with the landlord. I was disappointed, but kept busy looking for another apartment and considering new living situations. Meanwhile, this family worked something out with the landlord, got in touch with me again, and offered the room. I accepted and moved in about a month ago.
On Friday I began vaguely remembering making a compulsive vow. As I looked for apartments I had decided I wouldn’t be comfortable with male roommates. I stand by this even now: as a young single female, I would not be comfortable to live with a single man, two guys, etc. I’m not even talking about living with a boyfriend, I just mean a situation where I would platonically live with men. (Think “Three’s Company,” lol.) However, I would be okay with living with a family. At any rate, I may have made some
vow about not having male roommates.
When I had this vague memory (I’m pretty sure it happened but not positive), I became very upset and agitated, as I live with a married couple and their two children--a boy and a girl. Thus I have two male roommates. I was so upset I was vomiting over it. I was angry with myself for doing yet another stupid thing out of compulsion. I felt like I would have to move out right away. (This was so upsetting because this arrangement is the best thing that ever happened to me and I am so happy here it’s not even funny.)
Within a few hours, I recalled more details. (I’m pretty sure this happened but I can’t be positive.) I think I remember adding stipulations to this vow, that I could rent a room with a family or live with males as part of my own family. I think the vow, if it indeed occurred, happened after I had been turned down for the room the first time and while I was looking at apartments, so it would have been fresh in my mind that I might want to rent a room with a family (and thus would have male roommates that I would be comfortable with).
I felt better for a while after remembering the maybe-happened loophole, but it has crumbled to obsessive-compulsive doubts. What if I made the vow and did not really make the loophole? What if I thought of the loophole later, after the vow was made and the vow was already binding and unchangeable? I feel like being unsure that you remember a destructive binding vow is just as good as if you had made the vow (you don’t want to take a chance that you lied to God), but if you’re not sure you made a loophole it “doesn’t count” because you’re not sure. I’m so angry and frustrated, because I feel like I have to base my whole life around half-remembered thoughts that may or may not have happened in the “right” way. I have other worries, too. What if I made the loophole but didn’t “phrase it right”? What if my mind invented a false memory? (This can happen.)
Due to all the surrounding doubt, I obsess over the Bible verses about “obeying your conscience” even if it’s weak, and that if you can’t be absolutely sure something is not a sin then don’t do it. “If in doubt go without.” I’m so sick of that one. Every time I have doubt about something (which is constantly) it gets ruined for me and I have to live in guilt, confusion, and bondage.
Sometimes I feel a compulsion toward making a vow, but don’t actually make it. Later I struggle with doubt over not remembering whether I actually vowed or if it was just a compulsion that I didn’t act on. Then I feel like I have to keep the vow even though I’m not sure it was actually made. I hate OCD so much.
So anyway, I feel this constant guilt of living in this house with my male housemates. I’ve obsessed over loopholes. (I actually debated asking if I could buy an RV and live in their yard, thus circumventing the whole “roommate” thing. This is how extreme it is.)
The guilt has gone beyond just my thoughts and gotten into like my whole body. I feel this constant tension all over. To try to “counter-vow” I’ve made repeated vows to live with these people for a set time, but I don’t know if it counts if I already have an existing vow not to have male roommates (even though I don’t know that it really happened for definite, but I think it did and I also think I really did make loopholes).
So in conclusion, I hate OCD. Sorry this is so long, but I really needed to vent, this has been eating me and making me guilty and miserable. I can’t even stand the sound of my housemates’ voices anymore because it just reminds me. Everything feels sinful--having friendships with these people, interacting with the landlord. This city feels sinful.
I wish I could go back to the normal days when I worried about sins like lying and cussing and lust, instead of whether I might have made a vow in 2007 to not wear a certain color on the third Tuesday of every month. (Not a real worry, just a hypothetical to show how extreme and ridiculous my OCD feels to me.)
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Kaykay, I remember how excited I was when, at 20 and quite ill due to OCD, I found out other people had vow problems too. It's comforting to have company (although I wish no one had to suffer like this!)
