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Discussion in 'Christian Philosophy & Ethics' started by Musician4Jesus, Jul 13, 2010.

  1. Musician4Jesus

    Musician4Jesus Senior Member

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    I'm extremely lonely and I'm really getting sick of married couples in general, but especially in regards to Christian married couples. I notice that I have at least somewhat of a consistent friendship with Christians friends until they beome married. As soon as they become married, the friendship up and drifts, and contact becomes non-existent.

    Yes I know a marriage is more important than a friendship. However all Christians seem to focus on is how it affects the married couple. They don't even bother to think how it affects the other relationships in the married Christian's life that were there prior to the marriage. If a Christian friend of the married Christian has the audacity to confront them about how they're being treated, then all the married Christians get this snobbish attitude and give them a guilt trip ganging up on them. I just wish married couples in the church would try to look at how it affects people on both sides of the spectrum. Unfortunately in my past experience, all married Christians seem to do is look at how it affects them, which is really selfish and rude. I believe part of a marriage is thinking about how your marriage affects the other relationships in your lives. I've noticed from past experience in my life, that they just tend to leave their important relationships by the wayside "for the benefit of the marriage". If you spend all your time with your spouse incessantly, you're going to drive each other insane. You need relationships outside the marriage because time apart (for room to breathe) is just as essential as enough time together.

    Yeah I've seen Christians who have the attitude of "if you're single then why are you friends with a married christian". Well with some friendships and relationships you were friends with them BEFORE they became married; you just didn't pick to become friends with them when they were married in the first place.

    Other piece of advice offered is "make new friends". I'm extremely reluctant to do this. Why bother trying to make new friends in a church? So I can develop a close relationship with a Christian only to have the relationship drift and them abandon the friendship later? Will all Christians allow that to happen? The probability of that occurring isn't likely. However I've had it happen so many times to me in the past few years, it's what I'm anticipating because it's what I've become accustomed to. As a result of this occurring in the past few years I'm having a tendency to take the "once bitten, twice shy" attitude.
     
  2. wayseer

    wayseer New Member

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    The Christian Advice office is down the page and to the left. You will find others there willing to help.
     
  3. razeontherock

    razeontherock New Member

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    It's an ethical question as well. I think our Torah gives us some insight into this, something about the first year the newlyweds didn't have to do anything. Have you tried re-connecting with your old friends that have been married for that long? It's sort of like a phase a teenager goes through ...
     
  4. onemorequestion

    onemorequestion New Member

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    Ditto.
     
  5. Celticflower

    Celticflower charity crocheter

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    Personally I think that if any friend (Christian or non) who drops you because they got married then they were never truly a friend to begin with.
     
  6. PreachersWife2004

    PreachersWife2004 by his wounds we are healed Staff Member Supervisor Supporter CF Ambassador

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    I agree, although I'm sure this is not limited to Christian married couples, either.

    I've tried to maintain several of my friendships after I got married. Sometimes, the time was just inconvenient, and you know, it's not just the married people who quit the friendships. Even just a card or a phone call now and then is good.

    Musician4Jesus, I'm sorry that this has happened to you.
     
  7. Dionysiou

    Dionysiou Junior Member

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    ahhaha i know exactly what your talking about!! there are people in the church im at with the same attitude. I think its simple, when your married theres a lot more reason and incentive to want to make the relationship grow and stay strong. Friendships arent as valuable and dont offer nearly as much satisfaction. It changes from caring for friends to caring for family. The family being the married couple. lol unfortunately friends are disposable to married couples, besides they dont want to hang around with other singles, they want other married couples lol. sorry for your loss lady but thats life
     
  8. OldLangSyne

    OldLangSyne Newbie

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    That's too bad. You should pray either for some likeminded singles to come along, for some of your married friends to reconnect with you, or for yourself to find a nice man, so you can become a married snob too.
     
  9. Musician4Jesus

    Musician4Jesus Senior Member

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    Dionysiou

    I HATE PEOPLE WITH YOUR CALLOUS AND RUDE ATTITUDE. Yes I know a marriage is more important than a friendship but that doesn't give the married couple a right to act like a selfish and arrogant jerks, which is exactly how they come off both in demeanor and attitude when they do this. Sure they're married and they have more on their plate, but that doesn't excuse how they're acting. Thinking before you act isn't exactly rock science and that's what this boils down to. Married Christians and married couples are perfectly capable of doing this, they just don't want to and/or refuse to. Then they try and jusify how they act with a bunch of bull crap excuses; they jump down the other person's throat and shift the blame to the other person so they can take the focus off how they're at fault. Apparently saving face with their ego is more important than how they treat people. It's okay to treat people like dirt so long as their pride isn't hurt; but if their pride is bruised, perish the thought and it's the end-of-the-world. It's easy for you and every other married couple to take this attitude because you're not the ones being hurt and affected! Why don't you try and put yourself in the other person's shoes and look at from their perspective instead of just looking at how it affects your marriage and you?!

    Have I given up on the friendships I used to have? Yes. However I did try to keep in contact. I basically quit trying to contact them because even when I was trying to, it was an act of futility. Basically even when I was trying to keep in touch with them, they never even tried to return contact and never even seemed to make a concerted effort to keep the friendship afloat.

    In regards to the marriage becomes the family; it's so subjective. If you're married and have no kids, it's really not that complicated in regards to your other relationships in your life. Married couples can find balance with their other relationships, and it won't be detrimental to the marriage; all they have to do is prioritize, but again they don't want to. Did they say that? No, but actions speak louder than words.
     
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2010
  10. desmalia

    desmalia sounds like somebody's got a case of the mondays

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    I've only been married for four years, and prior to that I felt very much like you did. It was even harder with guy friends as it was no longer appropriate to maintain the relationship after they married in most cases (unless I was friends with the wife too). It's frustrating and does make you feel very alone.

    One thing that I really don't miss is sitting alone in church and having no one talk to me because no one could relate to me as a single. In fact even now, when I see single women sitting in a pew near by I try to put in even more effort to talk to them than I might to a couple. Being single in church was extremely difficult for me because I just didn't fit in the family atmosphere. But that's definitely not how it should be in the family of God.

    I'm sure lots of people do this, in particular women who just "live" to get married and ditch everyone else as soon as that happens. Of course I remember girls who did that to their friends as soon as they had a boyfriend too. It happens.

    As has been mentioned here, the first year of marriage is nothing short of overwhelming, so couples are naturally focused on making things work for them. Marriage does mean that the rest of the relationships will change to some degree. However I agree you'll probably find that if you give them some space they'll come around eventually. If not, then they're not the kind of friend you need anyway.

    Because I moved to new cities a lot as a single, and because I'm an introvert, I didn't have any really close friends when I got married. I did have some friends I liked to hang out with regularly. And when I got married they ditched me because I was just a "boring married lady" and they couldn't relate to me anymore. I wanted to still spend time with them, but they preferred mostly things that had to do with meeting single men. So the relationship changed. Such is life.

    One would think. And before I got married I was never able to spend days on end with anyone without feeling the desperate need to get away by myself for a while. However I can spend weeks on end with my husband 24/7 and we never get sick of each other. Go figure! I never would have guessed that was even possible before.

    Absolutely.

    Yep. That's life and it's going to happen once you hit a certain age.

    I understand your hesitancy to go down that road again. It's tough. But just as married people need friendships, so do singles. So I hope you don't give up, even though it can be tough sometimes. Perhaps you'll even end up friends with some people who were already married and settled. Always a possibility. I know as a married person at this point in my life I have no preference between having married or single friends.
     
  11. Phinehas2

    Phinehas2 Guest

    In fact fellowship should be mean one doesnt lose friends. Singles in many churches today are part of life groups, sometimes with singles their own age.
    We see in Acts..
    32All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. 33With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. 34There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales 35and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.
     
  12. Tommy_S

    Tommy_S Θωμᾶς χιόνισπίτι

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    My wife and I have been married going on 9 years now and can't get enough of each other. We are best friends and enjoy each other's company. She is the most important person to me. With that said we still communicate with old friends but rarely go out with them by ourselves. Sometimes we go out to dinner or have a cookout and invite either married people or singles. It is going to be hard for you to understand until you get married yourself and have a strong biblical marriage. A husbands priority is to his wife and a wife's priority is to her husband.
     
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2010
    desmalia likes this.
  13. Musician4Jesus

    Musician4Jesus Senior Member

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    Don't make assumptions about what I do or don't understand you arrogant snob; that's exactly how you're coming off! Just because I'm not married doesn't mean I don't know the priorities of relationships in regards to a marriage! I'm not that stupid. I know a marriage is more important. I know it takes up more time than a friendship and is more important than a friendship. I don't care if it wasn't your intention to come off that way; whether it was or wasn't doesn't change the fact that you did come off that way to me!

    I don't appreciate you coming off like you did! You basically came off like I'm stupid and can't possibly imagine the complexities of a marriage simply because I'm single! YOU ARE DEAD WRONG. I'm can use logic and know what the Bible teaches in regards to a marriage and what is expected of it!

    I never said a friendship should be more important than a marriage.

    I don't see why singles and married couples intermingling is seen as taboo. Maybe nobody has actually said this, but it's quite palpable and it's like there is an invisible barrier.

    Now I'll probably get the lecture of "with how horrible you act and with how lousy your attitude is, it's no wonder you have no friends". Maybe my attitude wouldn't suck so much and I wouldn't snap at anything that moves if I'd quit being treated like dirt. That's been the story-of-my life. It's not a pity party, it's what I've dealt with in my life. Just because I'm accustomed to it doesn't make it any less frustrating! I have a wall built up for a reason and there's a reason I don't trust people and it's because all my life has been for the most part has been emotional bull crap and unrealistic expectations set by people in general.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2010
  14. desmalia

    desmalia sounds like somebody's got a case of the mondays

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  15. Tommy_S

    Tommy_S Θωμᾶς χιόνισπίτι

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    Would you like to come to a picnic? lol don't know what else to say.:confused:
     
  16. PreachersWife2004

    PreachersWife2004 by his wounds we are healed Staff Member Supervisor Supporter CF Ambassador

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    I realize you are hurting, but I don't think that gives you the right to attack someone like this.

    People in a marriage ARE different from those not married. Priorities do become different. When married people have kids, the dynamics change again. It's really nothing personal, it's just part of life.

    It sounds like you need to find a fun Christian singles group and hang out and do stuff with them, rather than pining over lost friendships with those who are married.

     
    desmalia likes this.
  17. Celticflower

    Celticflower charity crocheter

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    Musician -
    Your pain is coming thru loud and clear. And, contrary to what some seem to have said, it is possible for married couples to maintain good relationships with unmarried friends. But it depends on the couple, not the single.

    Finding a singles group may help. Staying available to married friends may help. The church I used to attend had a group called "Spares and Pairs" for young singles and young marrieds to help maintain those ties. A group like that may help you.

    Finding and maintaining friendships is hard work. I know firsthand how hard it can be. Sometimes you have to let people go. And you may have to put a few doors in your protective wall (or at least a window). I've been there, behind a wall so I didn't get hurt again. But at some point you have to reach out beyond the wall. Yes, you run the risk of being hurt yet again, but you may find something wonderful in the long run.

    I wish you the best in your search for friends. PM me if you need to talk.
     
  18. Musician4Jesus

    Musician4Jesus Senior Member

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    You know what would be 'fun' for me? Actually feeling like I fit in. To me there needs to be more in common with a friendship than the fact we share the same faith. I'd like to be able to find people who share some of the same interests as I do. However some of my interests are what would be considered 'different'. I like Japanese (studying the language, their culture); however I cannot find anybody my age who shares this interest as well. I like to garden and bake, which are more common interests, but most people who are interested in these things aren't in my age group.
    People who do share these interests are older than me and there's a huge age gap as a result; can you say awkward? I don't feel like I can really relate to somebody who is 20, 30, 40 years older than me when such a thing occurs.

    I constantly feel like I'm in a bubble. Like I'm on the outside looking in and cannot relate to anybody. Add to this I'm introvert and really suck with socializing. Then there is this barrier created between singles and married couples, which makes things even MORE awkward for me and they're already awkward to me without this! Making friends is easy for some people; however it's not for me; it's always been something I've struggled with. I can be polite to people and converse with them, however those two things aren't the same as befriending somebody. Add to this I live in a very small town so that just creates even more difficulties with making friends.
     
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