Letting go emotionally

[IreneAdler]

Do you ever have problems letting go of something emotionally when you KNOW mentally it's not your fault and what you did was not something you would have ever done knowingly? (basically having issues forgiving yourself even though everyone else has)

My older daughter's cat crawled in the dryer on Mother's day and I didn't know she was in there and I basically killed her. I feel so awful still. I have only the past couple days stopped crying about it. I know I would never have done anything to the cat on purpose. I would never hurt my daughter on purpose. My daughter forgave me that day. I just can't seem to.

I don't know how to get myself to get over this. I can't get over hurting her. I can't get over killing this animal. I know I didn't mean to, but somehow that doesn't make it go away.

 

[HazelWings]

Time. It's so much easier for us to forgive others than it is for us to forgive ourselves, even over complete accidents. I'm so sorry for your daughter's cat.

 

[dayhiker]

Irene,
That is a tough one for sure. Most thing I'm over very quickly. But there are a handful of things in my life that still bother me when I think about them.
I view emotions as telling me what my judgement about the situation is. Quite often I can find another way to view the situation, another way to honestly judge the situation and thus get past the emotion. Sometimes is easy to find another way to judge and sometimes its hard. You have tried a couple ways, didn't intend to and you know you'd never want to hurt either the cat or your daughter. As they aren't working, its time to see if you can find another way to judge the situation. Maybe something around why the door was open so the cat can get into the dyer?

 

[HazelWings]

Maybe something around why the door was open so the cat can get into the dyer?

When we were kids, my brother's cat jumped into the dryer. In that case it was while we were throwing wet clothes into the dryer and had our back turned while grabbing another wet handful. We were fortunate that we heard the cat and stopped the machine after a couple go-arounds, and the cat never did it again. But accidents just happen.

 

[IreneAdler]

I've tried to figure that out too. That question drives me absolutely mad. I never leave it open. Never.

 

[Tamara224]

Oh!

That's gotta be really tough.

I once hit and killed two beautiful dogs. I was driving a big van for the Holiday Inn and these two dogs came barreling out of an alleyway right in front of me. I had no chance to react. Even so, I felt horrible. Just horrible.

It just takes some time. I imagine with it being your daughter's cat makes it worse. But in time, you'll stop blaming yourself.

Poor little kitty. But it was just a cat. I know that sounds callous, but... still just a cat.

Are you going to get your daughter another? I would recommend that.

 

[IreneAdler]

When/if she's ready. She's told me she's not. Punky was special. That's what makes this so much more suckish. It's not like the "oh this is her cat but I take care of it and love it and it's just her cat in name only". This was really her cat, her baby. Really connected and the whole nine yards. It makes it so much worse.

 

[Tink]

I do have trouble forgiving myself.

I'm sorry for y'all's loss.

 

[Tamara224]

I'm sorry. That is tough.

 

[IreneAdler]

Normally things don't phase me. I think it'd be easier if the cat had been hit by a car. I think it's because I did it that I can't remove myself from the situation and say "it was a cat" or things like that.

 

[Allen1901]

Bless your heart!

 

[Fremdin]

Im sorry. I hope you can forgive yourself. It really isn't your fault.

 

[Tehchad]

I went through something like this. A couple of friends from the gym asked me to take them bouldering (climbing to heights that you can safely jump from) outside on real rock. Now, when bouldering, you don't use ropes; you use a crash pad (a small matress-ish pad that you can fall on). This would have been around 2006.
Only one was able to make it, but we went anyway.
On the warm-up, I pulled on and climbed it. Then they pulled on and started through the first couple of moves. Getting up towards the crux (the hard part) at about 15 feet, they peeled off. They landed on the pad, but did so in a way that the pad was kicked out from under them and landed hard.
L2 compression burst, a 2.5 inch laceration on the back of the head, and a slight concussion later.... I nearly quit climbing that day.
It wasn't my fault, but yeah. I feel ya.

 

[Tehchad]

after reading and re-reading, my experience may have been a bit intense.... but I hope you see my empathy.

 

[peacechild4]

There is a timing to it.. a place we need to get too in our mind and emotions.. something you cannot rush.. This was an accident.. and it is sad.. and you will feel horrid.. but you will also get over it.. (((Hugs))) sorry this happened to you..

 

[Verve]

Taking time to get over the loss of a pet is important. You also have to realize that it wasn't your fault and that God has a reason for everything.

If all else fails, maybe therapy? Learning self-compassion is very important.

 

[Thunder Peel]

It can be tough. I don't think I've ever forgiven myself for anything so I don't have any advice but I know how much it sucks.

 

[* kittie *]

I hope you can heal and forgive yourself.

 

[IreneAdler]

Thanks guys. I really wish I could make it "poof" and go away. Talking helps. I really appreciate being able to let it out somewhere besides home. It's kinda not a topic I can discuss here for obvious reasons.

 

[peacechild4]

Thanks guys. I really wish I could make it "poof" and go away. Talking helps. I really appreciate being able to let it out somewhere besides home. It's kinda not a topic I can discuss here for obvious reasons.

You will get there.. It does help to share..