Laugh Until You Cry

[GuidanceNeeded]

When was the last time you laughed until you cried? It has been years for me. So this thread is dedicated to making others laugh.

Post anything funny (jokes, stories, anything) - PLEASE I really need to laugh!

 

[goldenviolet]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Baptists: At least 25. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad, and another group to break off and form another congregation because some of the men allowed a woman to twist the bulb.

Catholics: None. Candles only.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for next Sunday's service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, florescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Quakers: None. The Inner Light is enough.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

 

[goldenviolet]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Sheed Al Shaf-Former Iraqi Head of Information

The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication and American propaganda. We do not even have a chicken. Even if they did cross the road, we will slaughter all of them and roast them in hell.

George W Bush

We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to Know if the chicken is on our side or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

Tony Blair

I agree with George.

France

If the chicken does not have weapons of mass destruction, nobody should prevent it from crossing the road.

Colin Powell

Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. Now you don't see it any more, our boys have taken it out.

Hans Blix

We have reason to believe there might be a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Goh Chok Tong

We have electronic tags, home cameras, CISCO guards, suprise visits and random calls even at 2.00am to check which chicken cross which road.

If they don't cross the road properly, we will name them and shame them. As the economic cost is very high, we have to make sure that they do not cross the road with the other chickens.

Dr Seuss

Did the chicken cross the road?

Did he cross it with a toad?

Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed the road I've not been told.

Martin Luther King, Jr

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without their motives called to question.

Grandpa

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Sombody told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Oprah

In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together in peace.

Aristotle

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx

It was a historic enevitability.

Ronald Reagan

Chicken? What chicken?

Sigmund Freud

The fact That you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your psychological sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates

eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay e-eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book, and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

Albert Einstine

This is a difficult question of relatively. Did the chicken really cross the road, Or did the road move beneath the chicken? We need more research.

Bill Clinton

What is your definition of chicken?

Colonel Sanders

Did I miss one?

Shakespeare

To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

Homer Simpson

Mmmmmmmmm....c h i c k e n !!!

 

[SparkyMaddie]

A Blonde was driving to Disney World...she looked on a sign and it said Disney World Left so she turned around and went home

 

[SparkyMaddie]

Blonde Cop


This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.
The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”
“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.
The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”
“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

 

[brinny]

it was when i had a puppy and he had gotten hold of an empty Chips Ahoy bag....the whole thing was wedged on his head real tight and the bag was going in and out with each breath he took......i was laughing so hard i could hardly get the bag off n' i nearly pee'd meself

 

[brinny]

this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3VwJm4NpJ4

 

[sunshineforJesus]

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Baptists: At least 25. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad, and another group to break off and form another congregation because some of the men allowed a woman to twist the bulb.

Catholics: None. Candles only.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for next Sunday's service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, florescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Quakers: None. The Inner Light is enough.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

This is too funny.

 

[brinny]

babies, talking to telemarketers on the phone

 

[brinny]

...when peoples takes dem-selve-ses tooooooo seeeeeriously......

dey iz funnnnz to messs wif

cracks me UP!!!!

 

[brinny]

....telemarketer repellent