Just venting....

third11

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Decorations came down this weekend.



House looks sad. I moved out of the bedroom last night.

"Spouse"wanted to keep the big bedroom and bathroom, which

I would have rather had, but, oh well. It just means I will

have to get rid of stuff, good motivator for me.



Told "spouse" he will have to figure out what he wants to eat

anymore. He started a new eating plan for the year that

I thought I could work with, but, it's too much for my brain

to figure out for him anymore. I know what I want to eat

and just doesn't coincide with what he wants.
 

NothingIsImpossible

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I agree, first world problem. But none the less everyone can eat what they want really. Sometimes my wife and I eat the same things. Other times we make our own dishes. Curious though, what do you mean moved out of the bedroom? You don't sleep in the same bed?
 
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Thunder Peel

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Why can't you both eat separate diets? My wife and I do that all the time. Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to do everything together or in the same way.

The first part of your post is confusing. Are you dividing up the house?
 
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third11

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First, I want to thank you ALL for posting.
Made me smile and say, thanks God!
I need to talk. I need help.
:(
Yes, having marital issues. My "husband" and I are more like roommates,
than husband and wife. We've been like this for quite a while. We've slept
in the same bed all these years, but, I decided I can better distance myself
from any burdens of expectations, blame, etc. These past two nights have
actually been pretty nice to be brutally honest!

He has friends he wants to be with, trusts and spends a lot of time with.
Three years ago, he opened different financial accounts, savings, checking
and credit cards. He stopped depositing his paycheck into an account we
shared for all of our married life. I contacted an attorney, he contacted
an attorney, we continue to live in the same house. We have no children
together, but, I do have a son from a previous relationship.

I sought out counseling and have learned a lot! When I have been around
his friends, there is a lot of drinking, debauchery and I have no clue where
he is or what he is doing. I have found some women around who are like me
and we spend quality time together, but, some have fallen out of the group.
I talk with one in particular on the phone, I just love talking with her! Her
husband is one who mine says he trusts like a brother. Our lives are almost
identical. I have told her she is Jesus to me b/c she has spoken out about what
is going on when the group gets together, and through her, God is making
me take ownership of what I do.

I AM SCARED OF HOW OUR LIVES PARALLEL AND THE TRUST MY HUSBAND HAS
PLACED IN NOT ONLY HER HUSBAND BUT THE OTHER MEN IN THE GROUP!!!!!!!!!!
THEY ARE A BUNCH OF DRUNKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year, he announced that "we" were starting a new eating plan, which, is
good for the most part. I've been the cook all our married lives and that in
of itself has been an a constant burden of going back and forth, back and forth.
I'm done. It's been nice just taking care of what to eat for myself instead of
having to figure out what he wants to eat, how he wants it cooked or if he
wants to eat!

I work two jobs, read some good books about securing my future as far as
retirement and am looking into taking care of funeral and burial arrangements
for myself. After seeing two of my best of friends not get what they wanted has
lead me to assure this for myself. I don't know if I trust my husband/roommate
to make sure what I want gets done.

Is there a word for husband/roommate? Legally we are still married, but as
Barbara Mandrell sang in a song, "married, but not to each other."

He doesn't want to move out, says I owe him b/c he has been the major money
maker all our marriage and this is "his house!" His family feels that I have been
a burden on him, especially since I brought a child into the marriage. I
have always worked, done my best to make sure my son was not a financial burden
on the marriage, paid for my own education, etc. The attorney I retained said
to do my best to stay, if he gets abusive, I can take other legal measures. I have
good rapport with my neighbors and know many law enforcement officers, so, for
the most part, I don't feel afraid. He refuses counseling, says it's a bunch of ****
and makes fun of me for "constantly" reading self help books, praying, etc.

I have suffered with depression all my life, but, amidst the chaos, God has placed
the best of people in my life and God keeps me safe.

Thanks ahead of time for reading.

Best,
t11
 
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third11

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"God speaks to us in the stillness of our hearts and we
must never loose our connection to our source of life."
This I took away from Mass last night.

You ask a good question and one that has stayed with me most of the day. I went to Mass early and had quality quiet
time with God. I pondered your question. I've decided to go ahead and answer your question. I have also decided to go see counselor.

When we met, about 30 years ago, there was so much love, trust and a feeling of connection. We didn't get married until 3 years later. I spent time as a single mother, scared to death most of the time. I did the best I could. Then my husband called me and asked me to marry. I said yes. So much love, trust and connection. We went through some rough times, like all marriages. But we always found our way back to each other.

Then my son got sick and couldn't work. I helped him out as best I could financially. We fought about money like we have never fought. I was accused to stealing and lying about money. Then the finances got separated. We discovered, yes, I was helping my son, but also discovered my husband had been spending money on a lot of booze, motorcycles, accessories, trips away. We discovered that while I was in the hospital with my son, gravely ill, my husband was away with his friends. I was beside myself and the only saving grace was God and people at my church. My husband's family turned against me and said I was and had taken advantage of my husband. Here I was taking money and helping son, not even my husband's son or as they put it, obligation. Make things worse, I had all this education, couldn't get a better job than I had and my husband had paid for my education. Well, he didn't pay for my education and I got second job to try and offset the strain of helping my son during his illness. Then my son got a DWI and was in a horrific accident with a big rig and suffered a brain injury. My son was charged with DWI, driving while license revoked, fail to stop for a red light, resisting public officer. I was never called about the accident. The truck was in our name. The insurance company settled with the trucking company and our insurance was cancelled. All my husband and his family could say was that "the apple don't fall far from the tree." My husband and his family said and believed my son must be guilty. My son swore he was not drunk and accident was not his fault. I knew for a fact that my son had a valid license, I paid all the expenses to help him get his license. My son had the sense to ask for a blood test at despite a head injury, taken the hospital, treated and released. Supposedly he went before a magistrate. My son refused to take a guilty plea. I went to all the court hearing with him and talked to the lawyer consistently. During our wait for test results for the DWI, my son had three surgeries. The last surgery was horrific. He ended up in the hospital for 2 months afterwards and ending up having another surgery after that. I did all I could to try and get my son on disability during this time as well, went through tons of paperwork, meeting with attorney's while in the hospital and 3 appeals. All my husband and his family could focus on was that my son had been drunk and destroyed my husband's truck that he loved so much. Not to mention the criticism about how all people on disability are just a burden on society. They said my son should be trying to work, not be trying to get disability.

Well, we went to court for the last time in October last year, my son's blood test came back with zero blood alcohol concentration, zero impairment. All charges were dropped. My son was also awarded permanent disability for a chronic and disabling condition.

No apology from my husband. No apology from his family. I'm continue to be the villain, my son is a burden to society and I have a mother with mental illness. It all makes sense to my husband and his family, and most importantly, they were right from the beginning, their son, did in fact, make a big mistake in marrying someone with the kind of past I have.

We always found our way back to each other. This time, I learned a lot about my husband I would rather not know. I learned maybe who he really is. I wonder if he might be gay at times.

So, why do I stay. I loved and trusted the man I married so many years ago. I don't know who this man is that I currently share a house with and I don't know how or what to do next. So I wait for answers. I wait for God show me.
I went to an attorney to try and salvage the marriage. My husband went to an attorney to end the marriage.

My attorney said to try and stick it out and wait for him to leave. He won't leave. My husband has changed his address on all his financial accounts. He continues to be with his friends every chance he gets to be away. He tells me I have nothing to worry over, he is either at work or home, which, is not true. Last year, he spend my birthday with his friend in another town. He told me he bought me a card and that was sufficient. We argued over me wanting too much from him. We no longer call his family together like we used to.

I guess my answer is I still love and want to be married to the man I thought I married and I am waiting to see what my husband will do. I don't want to destroy him nor do I care about all the stuff he has. Since he separated all the finances, I have been focusing on saving my money and taking care of my own retirement and future. My son is now ok financially, and reality is, I might outlive my son.

I continue to work on not blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong with this marriage, but I can still hear my husband and his family blaming me and accusing me of wrongdoing.

I believe God sent me here to this place and I thank all who read this.
I know as soon as I hit the post button I will feel relief and I will get clarity.

I am sure many of you can relate to how scary that post button looks right now.

:prayer:
 
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third11

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:crosseo:
Going to counselor today.
We got married first by a judge and seven years later
our marriage was blessed within the Catholic church.
I don't take the vows I made in the presence of God
lightly.

God's already given us Jesus.

I trust in Jesus.
I trust in Jesus.
I trust in Jesus.

Thank you for your post.
t11
 
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royal priest

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Decorations came down this weekend.



House looks sad. I moved out of the bedroom last night.

"Spouse"wanted to keep the big bedroom and bathroom, which

I would have rather had, but, oh well. It just means I will

have to get rid of stuff, good motivator for me.



Told "spouse" he will have to figure out what he wants to eat

anymore. He started a new eating plan for the year that

I thought I could work with, but, it's too much for my brain

to figure out for him anymore. I know what I want to eat

and just doesn't coincide with what he wants.
I have to ask where you see Jesus Christ as fitting in this situation.
 
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akmom

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I am sorry to hear that your marriage has seen better days. Some people are scared away by hard times. I see a little of myself in your description of your husband, because I've seen family go through hard times both financially and medically. At first, you want to help them; you pay for those unexpected expenses you know they can't handle, you take over their errands and babysit for them, you sort of become "on call" for all their needs. But it quickly becomes overwhelming, and you realize you can't keep it up. Even with a good income, you can't support two households. You can't drive them everywhere every day. You can't spend hours and hours doing all their errands and raising their kids, and still do justice to your own household. And it's very daunting, because they quickly come to depend on you, and then you're stuck. The first time you balance your budget and realize there is no more wiggle room, you do start to withdraw and distance yourself and encourage them to come up with a plan of their own, or at least "disperse" the assistance among other family members.

I'm not saying it's right, but it is a real inclination to push people away when they start to appear to need your significant aid in the long run. I'm sorry you had to experience that, and all the stigma of the false DUI, after your son's accident. Another tendency people have is to want to see justice in what has happened. It's easier to accept someone's misfortune if you think they brought it upon themselves. It makes you feel less obligated to help, you know? I suspect that is what was behind everyone's attitudes after your son's accident. Kudos to you for the proactive way that you have handled it. I do hope you find peace and someday renew your bond with your husband.

I knew a dear couple that had quite a few ups and downs, argued over money and attention and various other things that couples tend to nit-pick about. But then, on a good year, the husband died unexpectedly. And that was it. It's a sobering reality, to think about all the flaws of a person that erode a relationship, and then to realize how little that matters in the end. Because now I know she craves his company despite all the hardships he caused her, and I also know she is thankful for their reconciliations and the time they did have. But you sound like a person who *is* making the best of the life she has. Thank you for sharing.
 
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third11

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Jesus is handing from the cross, begging God for mercy on my behalf. Mercy for the fear, the rage, the
chaos. I blame my husband, my husband blames me.

God help us. We had another argument yesterday about how I dared to comment on how his family
has always been so critical of my faith, my education, my son, etc. I thought he was going to loose
it! I left the house I got so scared. I was gone most of the day. When I got back, he had calmed
down.

My faith, my education, my son, all failures that just keeps on proving them my husband should have
never married me, education is a waste of time and my son is no good.

UGH!

I don't understand all the psychology of human nature, but, my therapist said a lot of what you said akmom.
I just don't feel proactive. I feel like such a failure and that everything I've done turned out wrong.

Thank you all for your posts.

t11
 
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royal priest

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Philippians 4:13. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9 Press on sister in the glory of these trials knowing that Jesus will cause them to lead us to eternity even as they led Him. Hebrews 12:2; 1 Peter 1:5-7

Why should cross and trial grieve me?
Christ is near with His cheer,
Never will He leave me.
Who can rob me of the Heaven
That God’s Son for my own
To my faith hath given?

Though a heavy cross I’m bearing
And my heart feels the smart,
Shall I be despairing?
God, my Helper, who doth send it,
Well doth know all my woe
And how best to end it.

Hopeful, cheerful, and undaunted
Everywhere they appear
Who in Christ are planted.
Death itself cannot appall them,
They rejoice when the voice
Of their Lord doth call them.

Death cannot destroy forever;
From our fears, cares and tears
It will us deliver.
It will close life’s mournful story,
Make a way that we may
Enter heavenly glory.

What is all this life possesses?
But a hand full of sand
That the heart distresses.
Noble gifts that pall me never
Christ, our Lord, will accord
To His saints forever.

Lord, my Shepherd, take me to Thee.
Thou art mine; I was Thine
Even ere I knew Thee.
I am Thine, for Thou hast bought me;
Lost I stood, but Thy blood
Free salvation bought me.

Thou art mine; I love and own Thee.
Light of Joy, ne’er shall I
From my heart dethrone Thee.
Savior, let me soon behold Thee
Face to face—may Thy grace
Evermore enfold me! --Johann Ebeling, 1666
 
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