Just found out I have a son

ninjatoth

Member
Jul 2, 2015
12
1
43
✟7,640.00
Faith
Christian
I got divorced 3 years ago and have two daughters now 8 and 9 from my past marriages, one I have sole custody of, the other I have week on/week off. 3 years ago right around the time my divorce was finalized I had a brief 2-3 week relationship with a woman I knew from my childhood. She became pregnant, and around the time she told me she was pregnant which was literally 3-4 weeks after we first got together she admitted to me she was married, but only legally and had been separated for many years. I also found out that she had a boyfriend as well-I didn't know any of this when I was seeing her. Throughout the pregnancy she continually would go back and forth telling me I was not the father, I was, I wasn't, I was, and so forth. Finally after more than 2 years things lined up to where we both agreed to a paternity test, I bought the test and sent a friend to collect the baby's sample and at 2 years old I found out he actually is mine. After she found out the results this woman all of the sudden was demanding that I meet up with her and him to visit, and when and where and all of that, but I told her I wasn't sure what I really wanted to do, whether I was going to be in his life not because I have mixed feelings about it, and that the main reason for the test was to first and foremost find out if I was his father, and to also get child support going because I feel I owe him at least that. The moment I told her that I wanted to go to court so I could pay child support she flipped out and demanded that I sign off my rights so that her new boyfriend can adopt him. I know what she is saying can't happen like that, but the way she acts with violent bursts of rage is the main reason I have stayed away from her. I also think that she may or may not be collecting child support from someone else for our child and i'm on disability and she knows that she won't get much from me, but that part is all speculation. Anyways, I hurt daily over this, I am a great dad to my daughters but I feel like this woman would put me through hell to see my son and I just don't know if that's good for anyone. No one knows I have a son except my mother and girlfriend, my children do not know they have a half brother. What kills me the most is that I feel all alone in this struggle and like i'm always looking over my shoulder. I really just don't know what to do and I do not know what is best. Is it inherently wrong to feel like it might be better to stay out of his life and just keep an open door if he someday searches me out when he's old enough to make that decision? Should my children and family know about him if i'm not going to see him? This woman has a new boyfriend and they been together for a couple of years as well and he knows him as "dad". I am just so torn up about this.
 

Sadiegrl

Merging my Theology with Reality!!!
May 1, 2008
4,231
390
California
✟15,181.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Hi ninjatoth,

You definitely have a tricky situation on your hands. I feel for you as parenting can be difficult enough without having to battle an emotional ex. This woman from your past sounds like she struggles with anger and has a history of lashing out. Chances are she will be similar to her current boyfriend and who knows, maybe cut him loose and look for someone else your son can call dad. This is what gets me the most...that your son will have to suffer because of poor choices from the parents. I'm not criticizing you at all, simply pointing the focus on your son. He will be the one to suffer the most out of a torn family. Definitely keep coming to God about this situation in prayer, allowing Him to sort things out according to His will. It sounds like your heart has good intentions, but when it comes down to it, a child needs their father more than finances. However, she should not be allowed to dictate all the specifications. If you had the courts work out something for visitation, where a moderator should be present if both you and your ex are in the same room, then things wont get out of hand. But it may be best for you to have your son partly in the week and he stay with his mother the other times. I know the court can arrange time and place and for how long so it is out of her hands. Also, I'm pretty sure your daughters would be thrilled to have a little brother. These young years are precious and your son needs to know he is loved by his father. You will be setting a Godly example for him, and that way he won't grow up in bitterness and uncontrolled anger to where he seeks you out in a hurting way. If she wants her new boyfriend to adopt him, they should first get married and establish a household where he can actually be a father, but specifically a step father. The more people that love us as children the better off we are.

Lifting you up in this difficult situation
Blessings
 
Upvote 0

Odetta

Thankful for grace
Jan 24, 2014
913
239
55
Georgia
✟32,318.00
Country
United States
Faith
Baptist
Marital Status
Married
Fair warning, I'm pretty blunt. So here goes.

Dude, you need to man up. The focus should be on what this boy needs, not the drama you're trying to avoid. Your son needs you in his life just as much as your daughters do. How do you think he's going to feel to know that you chose to be a part of his half-sisters' lives but not his? Also, based on your description of her it sounds like his mother is not going to provide a stable influence in his life, and I doubt that the relationship with the current boyfriend is going to last. In fact I predict that she'll bring in a series of boyfriends, who individually may or may not be good influences.

I understand this stresses you out. But you need to focus on your son and do the right thing for him, which in my opinion is taking an active role in his life. You helped make him. Now go love him.
 
Upvote 0