Joke of the Day!

cat711

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It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee
in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

:yawn1:

Thanks for sharing.
 
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Mr. Donut

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:o Uh, what??? :o


[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Arial,Helvetica]1) Stupidity got us into this mess... So why can't it get us out? [/FONT]

2) People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

3) Indecision! It's the key to flexibility.

4) Think about it! In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

5) I always wanted to be a procrastinator, I just never got around to it.

6) Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

7) My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

8) I am having an out of money experience.

9) I plan on living forever... So far, so good.

10) Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

11) I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

12) If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

13) I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving...

14) Everyone has a photographic memory... Some just don't have any film.

15) Save the whales. Collect the whole set!

16) On the other hand, you have five different fingers.

17) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

:wave:
 
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Handmaid for Jesus

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:o Uh, what??? :o


[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Arial,Helvetica]1) Stupidity got us into this mess... So why can't it get us out? [/FONT]

2) People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

3) Indecision! It's the key to flexibility.

4) Think about it! In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

5) I always wanted to be a procrastinator, I just never got around to it.

6) Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

7) My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

8) I am having an out of money experience.

9) I plan on living forever... So far, so good.

10) Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.

11) I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

12) If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

13) I still miss my ex, but my aim is improving...

14) Everyone has a photographic memory... Some just don't have any film.

15) Save the whales. Collect the whole set!

16) On the other hand, you have five different fingers.

17) Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

:wave:

Roflol! Funny!
 
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Mr. Donut

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Two guys were in desperate need of some cash,
but admittedly were a bit cowardly.

So the one suggested they break into the Amish market.

Their logic was that since the Amish folks were non-resistant,
even if they were caught, no harm could befall them.

Thus they carried out their plot. :burglar:

However, just as they were breaking into the cash register,
the owner turned on the lights and confronted them,
a shotgun pointed directly at them.
:comeon:
Calmly, the Amish man said,
Boys, I would never do thee any harm
yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.

:hahaha:


 
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cat711

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Two guys were in desperate need of some cash,
but admittedly were a bit cowardly.

So the one suggested they break into the Amish market.

Their logic was that since the Amish folks were non-resistant,
even if they were caught, no harm could befall them.

Thus they carried out their plot. :burglar:

However, just as they were breaking into the cash register,
the owner turned on the lights and confronted them,
a shotgun pointed directly at them.
:comeon:
Calmly, the Amish man said,
Boys, I would never do thee any harm
yet you are standing where I am about to shoot.

:hahaha:



This is interesting! ^_^
 
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ashout

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one day a man named saul heard a voice from above, it said "Saul, sell your business!" so he sells his business for a million dollars. next day he here's it again "Saul, take your money to vegas and bet on blackjack!" so he takes his money to vegas and puts it all on a single hand of black jack. he gets his cards...19! the voice says "Saul hit" so he hits...ACE! hes at 20! so the voice says "Saul take another hit!" so he hits again...ACE ! he has 21! thats when the voice say's "UNBELIEVABLE!"

:D
 
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Mr. Donut

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A farmer lived on a quiet, rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
It became so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these tourists driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about these drivers."

So the very next day the sheriff had the county go out and put up a sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later, the farmer again called the sheriff and said,
"That sign didn't help a bit. They are still hitting my chickens."

So the next day, the county put up a sign that said: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

Again, no change. So the farmer called and called, every day for three weeks.
Finally, he told the sheriff, "Look, your signs are just not working. Mind if I put up one of my own?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, let's see if yours works better."

He was willing to agree to anything to get him to stop those daily calls.
Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
After three weeks, he decided to call the farmer and see how things were going.

"Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since.
I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go have a look at that sign.
There might be something there that WE could use to slow down other drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign.
It was on a whole sheet of plywood.
Painted black with large, yellow letters that said the words:
SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

:hahaha::hahaha::hahaha::hahaha::hahaha::hahaha::hahaha::hahaha::hahaha:
 
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St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!" :D
 
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Mr. Donut

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Bulletin Bloopers and Blunders

(A compilation of actual Church Bulletin and Service bloopers)

* Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
* Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
* Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
* Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She uses the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
* The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
* This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
* Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
* Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mother's Club. All ladies wishing to become "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
* Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet will come forward and do so.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
* Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
* The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
* A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
* 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
* The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
* The preacher will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth With Joy."
* Today... Christian Youth Fellowship Sexuality Course, 8 p.m. Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
* During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A.B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
* The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
* The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
* The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet": in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
* The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
* Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
* Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
* The associate minister unveiled the church's new giving campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours."
* "A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."


Thank you BibleNet!
 
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cat711

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St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!" :D

LOL this is so funny!

:hahaha:
 
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mdseverin

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St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"
"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says. "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"
"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, " he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!" :D

Awesome!
 
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Biker Angel

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Jesus Moses and this ol man were on the golf green ready to play, so Moses steps up swings and knocks his ball toward the water which opens up and lets the golf ball roll right thru on the dry land to the other side, then the water closed up again and Jesus say's, good shot Moses. Then Jesus steps up to his golf ball swings and hits the ball, also at the water, which bounced along the surface of the water as if walking across it to the other side on dry land and Moses say's good shot Jesus. Then this ol man steps up to his golf ball swings and hits it toward the hole. The ball fly's thru the air and hits the ground and a squirrel runs up and takes the ball and runs with it. Just then an eagle comes out of the sky swoops down and grabs the squirrel and fly's toward the hole where the squirrel drops the ball right in the hole. Then Jesus say's, nice shot Dad.:D
 
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Mr. Donut

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cow-a-socky.jpg


This un's fer yew Biker!
 
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Mr. Donut

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I have often been asked for tips on how to recapture the romance of a relationship. Couples want to remain attractive to each other, and that's good. So while looking for answers, I found this which I believe will make any husband take notice and be interested in his wife...
1003_amy_donut_full.jpg

Folks, what do you think???
 
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Mr. Donut

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An Amish man wanted a loan for $500.
He went to town and approached his local banker.
The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"

"Take some jewelry to city and sell it," said the Amish man.

"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.

"Don't know what collateral means."

"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"

"Yes, I have my buggy and a buckboard."

The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"

"Yes, I have a horse."

"How old is it?"

"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.

Several weeks later the Amish man was back in the bank.

He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said,
handing the entire amount including interest.

"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"

"Put it in my pocket."

"Why don't you deposit it in the bank?" he asked.

"I don't know what deposit means."

"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you.

When you want to use it you can withdraw it."

The Amish man leaned across the desk,

looked suspiciously at the banker and asked,
"What you got for collateral?"
 
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JHM

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The Court of Appeals here in Ontario, has just today, legalized prostitution here in this Canadian province; so what is the most appropriately named street in this province ?

Answer : Hurontario Street, (which is the main street in Mississauga Ontario), but they spelled it wrong.
 
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The Templar

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After a very long and boring sermon
the parishoners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher.
Towards the end of the line
was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.
"Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!"
The pastor was thrilled.
"No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before.
Tell me why."
"Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding
and the Love of God because it endured forever!"

 
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