IVF vs. God's Will

[PassionateOne]

I am curious on thoughts about good people, having a hard time having a child naturally.....is it God's Will for them not to have a child? If a thought is still in one's heart to have a child? Should Donor Eggs & IVF be
considered?

I firmly believe God put hubby & myself in each other's life....however we were in our 40's when it happened. We, both always wanted children, but now at 45 and three miscarriages, we realize my "eggs r cooked"....I have zero problem getting pregnant or carrying a baby, I would need a younger gal's quality eggs.

But, I also know, God can work miracles and if He wanted me to be a mom again? I would've from one of the three previous pregnancies?

What are people's thoughts and opinions on this issue?

ETA: I do have a daughter from my previous marriage, who is 14.

 

[Avniel]

For some people it's not God's will for others it is. It all depends on what His will is for you. I think it's different person to person.

 

[LinkH]

Ethically, one concern with some of the procedures is what is doing with fertilized eggs that aren't implanted. If life begins at conception, what happens when they throw away fertilized eggs? I'm also curious. Do children born through artificial means (e.g. that include freezing eggs) have any greater chance of health issues down the line?

If you don't think your own eggs will work, do you really want to bear another mother's child as a surrogate mother? You give birth to the child, but there is another mother out there for the child that you gave birth, too. For me, adopting a child would be easier to work through emotionally. Also, pregnancy and childbirth is a pretty big deal as you know. Why go through that if you are not bearing your own child, genetically. Why not just adopt a child who would not have a loving family otherwise? Does your husband strongly want to have a blood-related child?

 

[mkgal1]

I could be misapplying this verse.....but, in John 1:13 it says,

who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

I see the distinction being made between "the will of the flesh"; "the will of man"; and, "of God".

I realize this is speaking of our "adoption in Christ"....but, just that there is a distinction being made here between "will of flesh" and "will of man" tells me that just because a baby is formed, doesn't mean it's God's will (it's just biology). I would think the reverse would be true, then (that just because a person's biology doesn't permit it, doesn't mean it's not God's will). Our bodies *do* have physical limitations (and I'm not saying that miracles don't happen).

 

[Inkachu]

Allow me to be honest here, and please do not take offense!

I think the idea of using another woman's eggs to impregnate yourself is revolting. It's not YOUR child biologically. It's someone else's kid, planted in your uterus. It's almost as if people want to play pretend that it's their kid, because science is able to make your uterus carry it, so you feel like it's more "yours"... but it's really not, if you're honest with yourself. It's as if you let your husband take another woman, just so you could have a kid (Hello Sarai and Hagar!). It didn't work out well in that Bible story, either. And yes, of course, I realize it's not an actual, physical affair taking place, but it's still your husband's sperm and another woman's egg. YOU are not anywhere in the genetic picture.

And as someone else pointed out, if you wind up with a number of fertilized embryos, and you believe life begins at conception, and you destroy those other embryos by just having one implanted, it's multiple abortion. There's a huge ethical question mark hanging over that aspect of it.

If you're willing to go the "other woman" route anyway, why not just adopt a child who's already born and in desperate need of a loving family?

I totally understand the desire for a child. But I really don't think God is kosher with us playing around with genetics the way we're beginning to do in our culture. I really don't. There are so many beautiful, precious children out there who need a family. I'd adopt. You'd be saving a child's life, and saving yourself a huge amount of time, money, potential health risks, and possible failed attempts at conception.

 

[PassionateOne]

I appreciate all the honest feedback. I, honestly, haven't talked with my hubby about this...it's just thoughts, in my head, I am trying to sort out. When hubby & I were trying, after my 1st miscarriage (it was so painful, emotionally), that I cried and prayed to God, "if it is not meant for me to have another child, then PLEASE don't let me get pregnant, if we try!" But, I got pregnant again and I thought God (for sure) wouldn't let this happen again & sure enough, it did.
Then a 3rd time, until, I had had enough, no more trying.

But, why now do I still have a part of my heart that still wants a child? I researched adoption and it's very costly and difficult to adopt a child (baby to toddler), long waiting list.

Yes, I also think, how do you tell a child that I had them, but they are not biologically linked to me....(I feel) it's easier to tell an adopted child, they are adopted.

And good points about extra embryo's...what happens to them?
I just wish my wanting to have another child would go away!

 

[Inkachu]

Passionate, have you thought about becoming a foster parent? From what I understand, the procedure isn't as lengthy, expensive, or difficult as adoption, and you'd still be helping a child who needs a home and family.

Or have you thought about volunteering at a nursery, daycare, or pediatric ward of a hospital? You obviously love babies and children. Could you possibly use this love for something good, without fretting about actually bearing another child at this stage of your life?

Don't forget, you'll hopefully become a grandma someday, too!

If this is something that stays on your heart, you really do need to talk to your husband about it. Even if it's just to get it off your chest. Make sure he knows you're just venting thoughts and feelings, so he doesn't panic and think you're ready to drive right down to the fertility clinic lol.

 

[PassionateOne]

Or have you thought about volunteering at a nursery, daycare, or pediatric ward of a hospital? You obviously love babies and children. Could you possibly use this love for something good, without fretting about actually bearing another child at this stage of your life?

Don't forget, you'll hopefully become a grandma someday, too!

Yes, my poor daughter is only a teen and I already tell I want grandbabies! (teasingly, of course)

I work as a teacher for preK-5th grade....love, love, love kids!

 

[ValleyGal]

Personally, I don't have a problem with IVF. My husband and I discussed it as well. We won't pursue it, but we would have five years ago. The thing is that my eggs would have had to be harvested and we would have required the use of a surrogate.

I don't have a problem with the ethics of it...imo, a fertilized egg only becomes viable when it is implanted on the uterus. It is the umbilical cord which brings life to the baby. I do not believe fertilized eggs which have been frozen are a bunch of souls in limbo.

I do believe that God is sovereign, and his hand is in medical technology. There are many IVF babies who are now full grown, and if there were no purpose for their lives, God would never have allowed their births and lives to happen. For me, there is no dilemma. Medical ethics are pretty stringent.

 

[akmom]

That's a tough one. I believe that fertility drops off with age for a reason. Health, energy and a long life ahead of you are all important qualities for a parent to have. But we all know that these qualities are not guaranteed, even in a young person, and parenthood still happens. Likewise, infertility can occur at any age, and doesn't necessarily mean a person is unfit to parent. Many people do continue to have children into their forties, so I wouldn't say it's outrageous to want more children at your age.

Adoption and foster care are options, but I also believe they are callings. People who adopt or take foster children often have more challenges than natural parents. Many babies are placed for adoption because their biological mother was unfit due to substance abuse (which can have unforeseen consequences for the child), or because they have special needs. Foster kids often come with emotional traumas because of abuse, neglect, parental drug use or crime, or even the simple trauma of being separated from their original home. I am not saying that having children naturally will avoid all these possibilities. But with adoption and foster care, it is usually a given. So you should have a special place in your heart for dealing with these very difficult situations, above and beyond the basic desire to raise a child. I don't think adoption and foster care are substitutes for having your own children. It's a calling of its own, and being infertile is not what makes a person ready for this calling. It always bothers me when people throw out adoption and foster care as alternatives (as if the infertile couple hasn't thought of it already), almost like it is their obligation simply due to infertility.

That said, IVF involves a difficult journey too. It is very expensive and often fails. Many couples have invested tens of thousands of dollars into IVF, egg donations and surrogacy only to not have a child. I would encourage you to talk to other couples who have gone this route before embarking on this expensive and emotional process.

 

[motherprayer]

Yes, my poor daughter is only a teen and I already tell I want grandbabies! (teasingly, of course)

I work as a teacher for preK-5th grade....love, love, love kids!

Hey precious. If you desire to use IVF, go for it! Pray and see where the Lord leads you to.

If I may open my heart a bit, I'm a birthmother of twins. My babies are being raised by their adoptive parents down the road from me. It is hard for me, but also rewarding. For them, though, those two children are the greatest blessing they have ever received.

 

[Inkachu]

Yes, my poor daughter is only a teen and I already tell I want grandbabies! (teasingly, of course)

I work as a teacher for preK-5th grade....love, love, love kids!

Oh, I've been talking for a while about becoming a grandmother someday lol. My son is only 12, so I don't harass him about it yet Sometimes I regret that I couldn't have another child, but I honestly feel too old to start again, so I just have to wait another 15 or so years (I hope!). Sigh.

I do believe that God is sovereign, and his hand is in medical technology. There are many IVF babies who are now full grown, and if there were no purpose for their lives, God would never have allowed their births and lives to happen. For me, there is no dilemma. Medical ethics are pretty stringent.

I totally respect your position, and I agree that God works through technology and medicine. But though I agree that every life was created with purpose by God, the manner of conception isn't necessarily acceptable (for instance, a child born after a rape). I'm not comparing IVF to rape, I'm simply saying that, just because a child is created doesn't mean the manner of creation is acceptable or good. I hope that makes sense.

 

[PassionateOne]

I don't have a problem with the ethics of it...imo, a fertilized egg only becomes viable when it is implanted on the uterus. It is the umbilical cord which brings life to the baby. I do not believe fertilized eggs which have been frozen are a bunch of souls in limbo.

I do believe that God is sovereign, and his hand is in medical technology. There are many IVF babies who are now full grown, and if there were no purpose for their lives, God would never have allowed their births and lives to happen. For me, there is no dilemma. Medical ethics are pretty stringent.

That's a tough one. I believe that fertility drops off with age for a reason. Health, energy and a long life ahead of you are all important qualities for a parent to have. But we all know that these qualities are not guaranteed, even in a young person, and parenthood still happens. Likewise, infertility can occur at any age, and doesn't necessarily mean a person is unfit to parent. Many people do continue to have children into their forties, so I wouldn't say it's outrageous to want more children at your age.

Well, the reasons I am perplexed about it all....I like to pray and listen to God and what He wants for me....and I've prayed and prayed about this....the only thing that happened was I was blessed to be pregnant 3 times, then (for His reasons), the babies didn't survive.
So, I still have this 'yearning' in my heart (but why? Is God still placing it there?) I've prayed for God to lead me, in my dreams, to no avail....I mean, nothing, no guidance.

When I got pregnant with my daughter, it was against all odds, I had a medical condition and the doctor suggested to not have the baby....but, no way, I would've died bringing her here and I went thru pregnancy with no complications, delivered her, just against all odds, she was MEANT to be here!

But, then I think, I 'could' have another child thru donor egg/IVF.....I would feel blessed to have another child and if people use IVF to have children, are those children, not children of God too?! They just needed a little help to get here. And hubby can finally have a child.

But, then again, I HAD 3 chances to have a child, that didn't work.....I mean, my age shouldn't have been a factor with God, He works miracles! Maybe there is a reason I didn't have one?

 

[Inkachu]

Since you already have a daughter, you've miscarried several times (which also lessens your chances for a successful IVF pregnancy, your problem isn't fertility, it's the ability to carry to term), and you're approaching 50 years of age... for me personally that would be enough to tell me it's not meant to be. Some women have extremely strong maternal instincts all through their lives. It doesn't mean they're supposed to keep having children from the time they start their period until they finish menopause. Wanting children doesn't mean you should have children. You said you haven't even talked this over with your husband yet. If you're seriously considering using medicine to achieve another pregnancy, you need to talk to him first and foremost. He may not even like the idea. And honestly, I can't imagine a doctor who would knowingly go forward with this, knowing you've miscarried multiple times and are nearing menopause, which greatly ups your own health risks.

I'm extremely doubtful that you should go forward with this particular idea. It's clear that you love children, and I think God can find ways to use you, and bless you in return, doing things that involve kids. I think you need to spend some time alone with Him and ask Him about it. He's a much better resource on "what to do" than we are, after all

 

[Luther073082]

I don't think IVF is acceptable for a Christian who believes that life begins at conception because they throw out the other fetuses.

Also I find it a little odd to want to carry a child that is genetically related to your husband but not to you.

And honestly I would think that while adoption is expensive (it needs to not be by the way.) I would think that IVF would be just as expensive as adoption. And that's done without the moral issues of throwing out conceived children and of combining one's spouse's sperm with another woman's eggs.

I would strongly advise adoption in this case if possible.

 

[PassionateOne]

I just want to clear up, 'why' I've miscarried & why donor egg, is best option for me.

It's not that I 'want' another woman's egg....I just want to be able to have another baby....period.

The reason, I've miscarried, isn't because I get pregnant and can't carry to term....in fact, I get pg. VERY easily, but the baby is created, has a heartbeat, until the 8th week, then the heartbeat stops and baby dies. In fact, even after baby dies, my body will continue to carry the pregnancy. Until I go into ultrasound and see baby had died, then I realized I had a "missed miscarriage", then I have to have a D&C to extract the baby.

Had all 3 babies tested and they have died because of abnormal chromosomes, which means, 'my eggs are old'. So that's why the option of a donor egg....it's from a younger girl, healthy eggs and I'd be able to carry a baby to term that way.

I don't 'want' another person's eggs, but I do want to have a baby.....okay, and that's the dilemma.

 

[motherprayer]

Remember Abraham and Sarah.

 

[PassionateOne]

Remember Abraham and Sarah.

I know, hence God working miracles.

I really appreciate everyone's feedback...it helps me sort out my feelings...thank you all!

 

[Inkachu]

I know you want a baby, Passionate I really DO understand the desire. But you need to look beyond yourself as well; your husband, your daughter... having a new baby at 45 or 46 years old means you'll be in your mid 60's when this child graduates high school. Is that fair to your husband, who may want to spend his retired years with JUST you? Also, the expense of another child, right at the time your daughter may be going into college - how would that affect your retirement funds? If you went ahead with this, and it worked (which typically takes a few months or more of exams, tests, hormone injections, etc), you'd be having a child right around the time your daughter turns 16. How would she feel about that? That's a very crucial age for a girl, when she's just getting her feet wet in the world. Would she feel pushed aside for the new baby, who would demand all of your attention? Would she be unwillingly recruited to "help" with the baby instead of pursuing her own activities? Just things to think about.

Dreams and desires are all well and good, but we can't ignore the practicalities of life that come along with them

If God wants you to have another child and carry it to term, IMHO, you'll get pregnant on your own. That's just what I believe. I don't believe God wants you to use another woman to have a child. I could be wrong, only He can say for sure

 

[Hetta]

I am curious on thoughts about good people, having a hard time having a child naturally.....is it God's Will for them not to have a child? If a thought is still in one's heart to have a child? Should Donor Eggs & IVF be
considered?

I firmly believe God put hubby & myself in each other's life....however we were in our 40's when it happened. We, both always wanted children, but now at 45 and three miscarriages, we realize my "eggs r cooked"....I have zero problem getting pregnant or carrying a baby, I would need a younger gal's quality eggs.

But, I also know, God can work miracles and if He wanted me to be a mom again? I would've from one of the three previous pregnancies?

What are people's thoughts and opinions on this issue?

ETA: I do have a daughter from my previous marriage, who is 14.

I don't believe that there is anything wrong with IVF. Obviously God gave the knowledge of these procedure to the medical profession, so why should it not be used?

In your situation, I would be coming more from the angle of - how easy will this pregnancy be? What will be the effect on my daughter? How long will I live to support and raise this child i.e. am I ready to be a much-older-than-average mom? If you have already considered all of these issues, and your husband is onboard, then go for it and good luck to you.