I've been married almost three years - I don't know if we can get past our struggles

[swill314]

Hi Everyone,

My name's Sareh, this is my first post here. I have been married almost three years. My husband and I have one daughter who is almost two.

We've gone through the expected troubles newlyweds go through like financial issues, figuring out our individual responsibilities and learning to compromise and play our wifely and husband roles.

My husband didn't grow up with a mom and dad that were together. I thought that after a couple of years of being together, we'd be able to come up with our own rhythm or communicating; that was probably my mistake. We have gotten better, but whenever we get in disagreements, and they aren't usually big ones, maybe about cleaning or how we do household chores, he will say things that are out of proportion to the disagreement. He will sometimes say that what I'm doing is stupid or dumb or words of that sort. Those things bother me very much, they feel very demeaning. I have explained myself in a calm manner many times. I have tried to come up with solutions and get advice from others, I have prayed very much. My dad was always a little mean mouthed to my mother growing up and no matter how they thought they were going to handle it, he never changed. So I don't want to expect that my husband will change and feel like I have to live with this. I also don't know how we can handle things with his attitude or if I want to teach my daughter that his behavior and my acceptance of it is ok.

I know God doesn't want me to give up on our marriage and I want to stay married and come up with a solution...but I don't know what to do. If anyone can give me advice I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you <3

 

[Murby]

whenever we get in disagreements, and they aren't usually big ones, maybe about cleaning or how we do household chores, he will say things that are out of proportion to the disagreement. He will sometimes say that what I'm doing is stupid or dumb or words of that sort. Those things bother me very much, they feel very demeaning.

The words "stupid and dumb", when used in the context you are describing, only mean that he doesn't like what you're doing. It does not mean he thinks YOU are stupid or dumb.. even if he says something like "Why are you being so stupid?" or "Why did you do that, that was dumb!"..

"You're being stupid!" = I don't agree with you..
"Why did you do that, are you stupid?" = I think hat was a mistake I wouldn't have made..
"Stop being stupid" = Stop disagreeing with me

All this stuff means is that your husband hasn't matured to an age (think 40's) where he realizes that tiny vocabulary changes can have significant effects in communication.

In other words.. I think you are making a big deal out of something that really isn't a big deal.. If he starts calling you dirty names to intentionally inflict emotional harm then that's a different story.. But the words dumb, stupid, idiot, moron, and the like, are just descriptive terms to him that mean he doesn't agree or doesn't understand..

I doubt your husband intends for these words to hurt you or demean you and I would attribute this to more of a lack of communication skills or limited vocabulary.

I should also say that the accuracy of my opinion has its limits.. With a lot of guys, its not what they say that you should pay attention to, its what the do.. If he says things you think are mean AND he does things that are not conducive to your comfort and well being, then that's a problem.. But if he says mean things but his actions tell a different story, such as always making sure you're comfortable, safe, healthy, etc.. then I would tend to ignore those things you interpret as being mean.

 

[Teslafied]

I hate to say this Sareh but I know from experience that things more than likely won't change. Men will claim they'll change but they won't, so don't keep your hopes up.

I've learned to read Christian relationship books and just endure, that's all one can do is endure.

 

[akmom]

People will do whatever you allow them to do. If you tolerate it, you probably make the statement that it's okay for him to do even if you don't like it. If you yell and scream about it, it may trigger an instinct to match your response in defensive shouting. If you haven't already, engage him about the matter.

"What is stupid about it?"
If he continues with simple derogatory words, like Murby described as a communication/maturity problem, call him out on it.
"That's not an answer. What, specifically, are you objecting to?"
Make him give you a reason. If he won't, then tell him your reasons, tell him you'll do it that way for the reasons you stated until the two of you can agree on a more sensible alternative. Then leave. (I don't mean divorce him. I mean walk away or redirect the conversation, or simply say, "This conversation is over for now.")

I think the problem women often make is that when they "explain themselves" it's more like an emotional or whiny plea for approval. You don't need to do that. Just say what you have to say, and don't expect an agreement. People get in "argument mode" and become mentally unable to agree. Both parties do. They just try harder and harder to persuade the other person, while refusing to be persuaded themselves, and a molehill becomes a mountain. Just say what you're going to say and be done. Don't try to get an agreement during "argument mode." (Also, don't do that annoying thing of getting the last word in and then pretend you ended the argument by not allowing him to respond. That's not ending anything; it's basically sticking your fingers in your ears with your tongue out, and it only produces resentment. Go ahead and let the other person have "the last word" if they wish, and acknowledge it with a nod or neutral gesture, but then end the conversation and revisit the problem some time later when no one is in "argument mode.")

I dealt with a similar thing early in my marriage, when my husband, who knows that I do not use or appreciate profanity at all, started becoming increasingly dependent on such words to express himself. It wasn't directed at me, but it still annoyed me. I can handle the occasional bad word, but the constant barrage of it was not okay. I'd just cringe through it for weeks, but eventually I just said "Enough is enough" and quit listening to him when he used such language. I'd point it out and then leave the conversation. He quickly broke the habit. You can do the same with words like "stupid." Just tell him you're done listening to it and follow through.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

He will sometimes say that what I'm doing is stupid or dumb or words of that sort. Those things bother me very much, they feel very demeaning. I have explained myself in a calm manner many times.

Ok...calm is one thing...there's a tone of voice you can use that will stop him in his tracks. Be polite, calm and even-toned, but in a "don't mess with me" tone of voice. Simply tell him "you will not say that to me again" then walk away. Repeat as necessary. Don't get drawn into an argument about it with him. Stand your ground and let him know you won't move. Say and do this EVERY time he says something derogatory. It'll eventually sink in to him, but you didn't nag, whine, beg, or anything else.

 

[Dave-W]

You need to find a good bible based marriage counselor. He needs to be corrected by someone outside the marriage. You need coping mechanisms. And who knows - maybe you need some correction as well.