Issues of dating a single mother

[Forever trying]

Hey everyone. I suppose this is more directed to the single mums here, and I hope you don't mind me posting this. But at my age, I've realised that increasingly, even in Christian circles, a lot of single women in my age range are mothers. With the ones I meet, they all seem like great and grounded people, who raise their kids the best they can, and have great character too. I suppose, with me thinking about one girl at the moment, there's a couple of issues in my head, that most other single/childless guys and gals would tell me to run to the hills for. These include:

- Spontaneity goes out the window. Not just in dating, either. But if we got married, just hanging with friends, going on holidays, out to dinner, and even just the being intimate part.

- Whereas if you marry someone without a child, you have the adventure of together developing the "house rules" and way things get done. But marry a single parent, you enter the home of an existing family, who've already got their routine, and you don't know where you stand.

- If the kid/kids are out of line or disrespectful, where does the outsider stand in being able to go mad on them.

- Having to deal with, that if the father is still on the seem, those issues automatically become my issues too. Which doesn't really seem fair.

- As soon as we're married, and start living together, I'm going to be considered and called "dad".

I know it sounds harsh, but these are the things a lot of people think about dating a single parent. I suppose I just want to know, are all of these thoughts justified? I.e. For you, if a childless man came into the scene and it seemed like a potential relationship, do you think these are the things he'd have to face?

Again, I hope I'm not insulting any of you. Really thoughts of my own at the moment, that I really wish I had some answers for. Thanks

 

[ShadowsChild]

So, answering this as a single mom.
Your points are entirely valid and true. (Which could explain my current single state lol)

However, I would like to point out from the parent's sake - be it single mother or father. Every and ANY relationship they develop, even when it comes to just friends. They have to figure if that person is not just a right fit for them, but for their kid too. When it comes specifically to dating. I would hope they wouldn't get the kid to meet possible future parent right off the bat. For the single's sake, not to mention the kid's.
It's so worth it. I have a step-father whom I love and am honoured to call Dad. And I pray that someday my daughter will have the same.

So the point of my post. Yes, your right. But I guess the question remains, what's it worth to YOU. Are you going to let the possibilities and problems of the future hinder something that could be amazing. If you look at it in only problems then you need to simply avoid getting involved with a single parent. Most single parents are pretty upfront as to if they have kids.

Does that make sense?

 

[Messy]

Hey everyone. I suppose this is more directed to the single mums here, and I hope you don't mind me posting this. But at my age, I've realised that increasingly, even in Christian circles, a lot of single women in my age range are mothers. With the ones I meet, they all seem like great and grounded people, who raise their kids the best they can, and have great character too. I suppose, with me thinking about one girl at the moment, there's a couple of issues in my head, that most other single/childless guys and gals would tell me to run to the hills for. These include:

- Spontaneity goes out the window. Not just in dating, either. But if we got married, just hanging with friends, going on holidays, out to dinner, and even just the being intimate part.

- Whereas if you marry someone without a child, you have the adventure of together developing the "house rules" and way things get done. But marry a single parent, you enter the home of an existing family, who've already got their routine, and you don't know where you stand.

- If the kid/kids are out of line or disrespectful, where does the outsider stand in being able to go mad on them.

- Having to deal with, that if the father is still on the seem, those issues automatically become my issues too. Which doesn't really seem fair.

- As soon as we're married, and start living together, I'm going to be considered and called "dad".

I know it sounds harsh, but these are the things a lot of people think about dating a single parent. I suppose I just want to know, are all of these thoughts justified? I.e. For you, if a childless man came into the scene and it seemed like a potential relationship, do you think these are the things he'd have to face?

Again, I hope I'm not insulting any of you. Really thoughts of my own at the moment, that I really wish I had some answers for. Thanks

I remarried way too soon and the wrong one, but still, even if we were perfect for each other it could never work. Those are my kids and dad has in my case a whole lot to say and I don't want problems with him so I say yes and amen. We coparent. I met a terrific guy who was interested on a dating site, but as much as I would like to have a man I told him go look for someone without kids and an ex. One kid and an ex out of the picture might work if you really care for the kid, but I have three. If dad decides to move, I can find a new apartment within a month, because he just takes the kids to another school. Now I'm flexible and I don't care, I live for my kids, but a man should lead his family and not follow an ex. And with the upbringing, good luck. He had totally different ideas, didn't care for them at all and thought he could be the boss so I had two bosses to listen to, impossible. At least their dad really cares for them, so from him I can take it. You can't expect a woman to listen to you how to raise her kids if you don't really even love 'em.
I read a story of a man who married a woman with one daughter. They listen to him and the ex can listen to him, he has nothing to say and the daughter likes him more than her own dad.
I'd just not do it. Time for yourself, forget it.
Go read the stories of stepparents here. One was complaining they didn't listen. One woman said it worked out good but it was a lot of work.

 

[Charles1992]

Hi,
I am completely agree with the points you mentioned here. But if you are willing to took care of the children, then no need to worry about these things. I know a lot of guys who had married to single moms. You may feel uncomfortable at for the first few months. But later you can become the perfect Dad for her children. Here I have a friend who is married to a girl who has two children. They met on a matchmaking program conducted by Premier introductions in Toronto. Now they are waiting for a new member to the family.

 

[TheDag]

- Spontaneity goes out the window. Not just in dating, either. But if we got married, just hanging with friends, going on holidays, out to dinner, and even just the being intimate part.

Spontaneity can be good. Some people don't like it though. In terms of being intimate then it depends on house rules. I never found it to be a problem except for when we had a baby and he tended to wake up sometimes. That is just how it is. Going on holidays normally needs to be planned as well as in people need to apply for time off from work so not a great deal of difference there. Yeah not being able to just head out spur of the moment can be annoying especially if your used to it but that doesn't mean planning these things makes them bad or not as enjoyable. If you don't want to enjoy the time out simply because it is planned then you won't enjoy it. With kids we did decide on a wednesday to go stay in a hotel for the weekend and booked a place thursday and went there friday. So still some spontaneity. Don't be too quick to look for the negatives.

- Whereas if you marry someone without a child, you have the adventure of together developing the "house rules" and way things get done. But marry a single parent, you enter the home of an existing family, who've already got their routine, and you don't know where you stand.

Everyone has a routine. When you are single you have a routine and must change when you get married. This is no different. Adjustments need to be made. The most difficult thing is housing. Because we rented a place when my wife could not stop seeing the house as being hers rather than ours (she lived there for two years before i moved in from interstate) it was easy enough to move. If a house is owned or being purchased then that could be more difficult.

- If the kid/kids are out of line or disrespectful, where does the outsider stand in being able to go mad on them.

So you have thought about this question. The simple answer is what does the mother think on this? There is a philosophy that the step-parent should never discipline the child. However that is a bit impractical at times such as if you are looking after kids on your own. Obviously one does not let them run riot simply because the natural parent is not there. I think a reasonable position is that you are limited in what you can and can't do and then discuss it with the other parent when they get home. I for example said no computer time for a period which is fine. If I was to tell he was grounded then I think that might be going to far.

- Having to deal with, that if the father is still on the seem, those issues automatically become my issues too. Which doesn't really seem fair.

At the end of the day the question is do you lover her? If so then you deal with this because you love her. If unwilling to deal with this then I would question if you love her. Every single person has faults and baggage from either previous relationships or the way they were raised. My wife used to get annoyed when I would use a hand towel to dry my hands. In her family you did not do that while in mine you did. Yet that is not the kind of thing one thinks about when getting married. At the end of the day if you love someone then you choose to find a way to make it work. Yes love is a choice not just a warm fuzzy feeling.
Of course there were at times issues with the dad and it was frustrating. That will happen but you shouldn't let it put you off.

- As soon as we're married, and start living together, I'm going to be considered and called "dad".

No that is not going to automatically be the case. When I had a step-son he never called me dad. I would be fine with him having called me dad if that was his choice but I also have no problem with him not calling me dad.

I know it sounds harsh, but these are the things a lot of people think about dating a single parent. I suppose I just want to know, are all of these thoughts justified? I.e. For you, if a childless man came into the scene and it seemed like a potential relationship, do you think these are the things he'd have to face?

Again, I hope I'm not insulting any of you. Really thoughts of my own at the moment, that I really wish I had some answers for. Thanks

Just so you know I am now a single parent with custody and previously was married to a person who had a son from a previous relationship. So while you asked for single mothers view I have been there and am answering from my experience.

 

[white dove]

Some of these are valid concerns, but if any of these are truly troubling to you and if it's really that much of a hang up to you, you're just not ready to date a single mom. You're just not. If you think of single moms and the term 'baggage' comes to mind or you think of 'red flags', again, you're just not ready. Single moms who love their kids don't consider them either of those things.

Dating a single parent can be challenging and it's not something that everyone can do or should do.

You shouldn't assume you'd automatically be 'the dad' or that there's automatically some drama with the biological father. You also don't get to 'go mad' on anyone's kid, dating or not.

I think if someone is genuinely interested in someone else, they're willing to make it work. If not, it's just not the right time or maybe just not the right person.

Hey everyone. I suppose this is more directed to the single mums here, and I hope you don't mind me posting this. But at my age, I've realised that increasingly, even in Christian circles, a lot of single women in my age range are mothers. With the ones I meet, they all seem like great and grounded people, who raise their kids the best they can, and have great character too. I suppose, with me thinking about one girl at the moment, there's a couple of issues in my head, that most other single/childless guys and gals would tell me to run to the hills for. These include:

- Spontaneity goes out the window. Not just in dating, either. But if we got married, just hanging with friends, going on holidays, out to dinner, and even just the being intimate part.

- Whereas if you marry someone without a child, you have the adventure of together developing the "house rules" and way things get done. But marry a single parent, you enter the home of an existing family, who've already got their routine, and you don't know where you stand.

- If the kid/kids are out of line or disrespectful, where does the outsider stand in being able to go mad on them.

- Having to deal with, that if the father is still on the seem, those issues automatically become my issues too. Which doesn't really seem fair.

- As soon as we're married, and start living together, I'm going to be considered and called "dad".

I know it sounds harsh, but these are the things a lot of people think about dating a single parent. I suppose I just want to know, are all of these thoughts justified? I.e. For you, if a childless man came into the scene and it seemed like a potential relationship, do you think these are the things he'd have to face?

Again, I hope I'm not insulting any of you. Really thoughts of my own at the moment, that I really wish I had some answers for. Thanks

 

[JCFantasy23]

You're right on your points. It can be fun and work out well - but if it's not your thing, no reason to feel bad about that. I know a woman who was a single mother but wouldn't date a man who had children already.