Is this normal?

[QuietBeauty]

So here is a little background on my situation: I have been going through serious family issues with my mother in law - For some reason she just doesn't get along with me. She says/does things that just aren't that nice for no reason at all and then when I get upset about it - she says she doesn't understand why. I have been very upset about this because I genuinely wanted a relationship with her. We don't live that close so we just either text or email. Every time I would try to talk to her about our issues so we can fix them - She either never responds or responds with something that has nothing to do with the issues. My husband says he's very upset about everything but at the same time he continues a normal relationship with his mom while our marriage is suffering because of this. I just feel like they both are going through life as if nothing happened and I'm the one hurting from this. They still meet up for dinner and text/call each other all the time. It's really not fair that my marriage is suffering and my husband and his mom's relationship is completely the same.

So my question is: Is it normal for my husband and his mom's relationship to be exactly the same even though my mother in law doesn't get along with me?

 

[JAM2b]

It is common to have conflicts within a family and with in-laws. It is going to be difficult to advise much on the situation without knowing what it is she does that is causing a problem.

In general, the only options are to work it out or to decide that this is just how it is going to be and determine how you are going to cope with it to keep yourself sane, healthy, and reasonably happy. The only way to work it is out for all the parties involved to be willing to. One person in a relationship can't fix it on their own. Your husband needs to speak up to his mother and ask her to deal with it directly. If he is not willing to, and your mother-in-law is not willing to work on it, then there isn't anything you can do but decide how you are going to continue on.

You say that when you bring up the issues that she talks about other things that have nothing to do with them. Maybe her behavior is a result of what she brings up and she would like those thing addressed? You could ask her if you are able to work out these other things would she be willing to work on the issues that concern you.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

So here is a little background on my situation: I have been going through serious family issues with my mother in law - For some reason she just doesn't get along with me. She says/does things that just aren't that nice for no reason at all and then when I get upset about it - she says she doesn't understand why. I have been very upset about this because I genuinely wanted a relationship with her. We don't live that close so we just either text or email. Every time I would try to talk to her about our issues so we can fix them - She either never responds or responds with something that has nothing to do with the issues. My husband says he's very upset about everything but at the same time he continues a normal relationship with his mom while our marriage is suffering because of this. I just feel like they both are going through life as if nothing happened and I'm the one hurting from this. They still meet up for dinner and text/call each other all the time. It's really not fair that my marriage is suffering and my husband and his mom's relationship is completely the same.

So my question is: Is it normal for my husband and his mom's relationship to be exactly the same even though my mother in law doesn't get along with me?

your husband fell in love with you and chose to marry you; not his mother - maybe you're expecting too much? maybe she does not want a relationship with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you - you married her son, not her. how is the lack of a close relationship with your MIL causing your marriage to suffer?

 

[QuietBeauty]

your husband fell in love with you and chose to marry you; not his mother - maybe you're expecting too much? maybe she does not want a relationship with you for reasons that have nothing to do with you, and that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing with you - you married her son, not her. how is the lack of a close relationship with your MIL causing your marriage to suffer?

I don't feel like I'm expecting anything, At this point I really don't want a relationship with someone like that. What bothers me is the fact that his mom has been rude to me but my husband and her relationship is still the same. My marriage suffered a little bit because of the stress from the situation with my MIL. It just seems like its not that big of a deal to affect their relationship and I don't really think that's fair.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

So my question is: Is it normal for my husband and his mom's relationship to be exactly the same even though my mother in law doesn't get along with me?

I am going to get a bit deep and technical here, I hope you can handle it, some don't like talking about these topics.

We have an enemy the devil, even Peter one of Jesus disciples once spoke from Satan's will.

Mark 8:33 But when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men.

Each of us, can inadvertently be used by Satan to hurt others. Little hurts can become mountains, as he (the devil) some times plays them over and over in our heads. Christian's are not immune to this happening, as Peter, a believer, spoke something against God's will.

God's will for families is for there to be unity, a thing which you want. Satan's will then, becasue he is opposed to God, is to sow discord.

Pro 6:16++ These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:... he that soweth discord among brethren.

In your case, the devil will use weaknesses in your mother in law to hurt you. He will then crush you emotionally in an attempt to get you to hurt her back. These things are tough, and may take years to work through.

People in their flesh may look at you and thinnk, "why are you so weak, it was only a little thing?", but the reality is it is not little to us, the hurt effects our relationships.

The only real answer is prayer and persist in loving each family member no matter what they say. I know from experience these hurts can cause out bursts, and divsions, but really we need to get to the point where we love people, realise "they", not us, are decieved, and just pray for them to see what they are doing, rather than tell them what they are doing.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

I don't feel like I'm expecting anything, At this point I really don't want a relationship with someone like that. What bothers me is the fact that his mom has been rude to me but my husband and her relationship is still the same. My marriage suffered a little bit because of the stress from the situation with my MIL. It just seems like its not that big of a deal to affect their relationship and I don't really think that's fair.

so you expect your husband to be as offended as you are by your MIL's callus treatment of you? and this because she has been rude to you? and so the suffering to your marriage this has caused is the direct result of you taking offense from your MIL and your husband not taking offense? doesn't that mean that your decision to take offense rather than walk in selfless love toward your MIL has caused your marriage to suffer?

 

[John Davidson]

Why are you expecting your husband to be offended with his mother? I am sure he loves her and desires no strife in their relationship. You should be happy for him that they get along so well.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I don't have enough information but I'm guessing that your husband and his mother have a very close relationship and to her you are seen by her as interfering with that relationship because in a sense you are REPLACING her as the "woman in his life" and some of the attention she used to get you are now getting. It is a sort of jealousy type thing I've heard about between mothers, their sons, and the sons wives that either in time the MIL will get used to it and form a bond between their daughter in law to make up for some of the lost attention or will get more and more possessive and bitter and then a rift will form between daughter in law and mother in law and the wife will tell the husband to limit visits of the MIL to near nil because essentially she gets to the point of trying to sabotage the marriage to "get her son back". Often the son (husband) love his mother so much that he doesn't notice the angst his new wife is having with his mom and ignores it thinking that his mom is "perfect" and sometimes even the mom is sneaky and does things to upset her daughter in law while the son isn't around.
Sooner or later this type of competition has the wife finally saying enough is enough and the man has to choose between wife and mom and the wife has to really (to him) seem rather nasty and insistent upon cutting off all ties with the mental case mother or divorce her husband to get her sanity back as the stress of it all having to compete with a mom who "never does no wrong" gets too stressful.

 

[Razare]

They still meet up for dinner and text/call each other all the time. It's really not fair that my marriage is suffering and my husband and his mom's relationship is completely the same.

This is because your husband is used to dealing with his own mother, and has learned to make it work, or it naturally worked because he was her son.

I had to learn to make things work with my father. As a teen, he drove me up the wall. After years, and maturing, I learned to deal with him.

I think your mother-in-law would be someone you have to learn to deal with. She doesn't have to behave any differently, why should she? Why would we expect that from someone?

We also are not required to put up with people we don't want to put up with. Wall her off if you want to, or do what the Bible says on the issue, but I think you yearning for her to change and treat you different is not a sensible approach, Biblical or otherwise.

People don't have to treat us well, and they don't have to like us, or love us. It is optional for them.

Now, it only hurts them in the end, and it should not hurt us because we are to live free of other people's behaviors.

My parents have a lot of unbelief toward God, but I don't have to adopt that into my life and wear that as my mantle. Your mother in law may not like you, but you don't have to wear that as a mantle, and you don't even have to fix that, it's not your job to see it fixed or resolve the issues.

If the issue is her, then certainly it is not something you can resolve, she would have to choose to resolve that, and if she does not want to, why be upset about it or let it affect you?

So my question is: Is it normal for my husband and his mom's relationship to be exactly the same even though my mother in law doesn't get along with me?

I believe it is, yes. Also, keep in mind, her son is more important to her than you are.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

So here is a little background on my situation: I have been going through serious family issues with my mother in law - For some reason she just doesn't get along with me. She says/does things that just aren't that nice for no reason at all and then when I get upset about it - she says she doesn't understand why. I have been very upset about this because I genuinely wanted a relationship with her. We don't live that close so we just either text or email. Every time I would try to talk to her about our issues so we can fix them - She either never responds or responds with something that has nothing to do with the issues. My husband says he's very upset about everything but at the same time he continues a normal relationship with his mom while our marriage is suffering because of this. I just feel like they both are going through life as if nothing happened and I'm the one hurting from this. They still meet up for dinner and text/call each other all the time. It's really not fair that my marriage is suffering and my husband and his mom's relationship is completely the same.

So my question is: Is it normal for my husband and his mom's relationship to be exactly the same even though my mother in law doesn't get along with me?

QuietBeauty:
You the one with the mother in-law who squeezes her son's naked butt when he showers and she shakes her panties at him?
Forgive me if I have mixed up your post with someone elses, I'm new here.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

In the end two women, even if living apart are going to butt heads sometimes. For some its minor, for others its major. A mom wants whats best for her son, a wife wants whats best for her husband. If your really bugged by it tell your husband to speak up and side with you. Though from what you said your letting it damage your marriage more so then the mother. Ignore your MIL and her rudeness. Pray for her. Try to love her, even if you can't get close.

We live with my parents and my mom and wife butt heads often. At first my wife hated it. She wanted to go back to her country. Things can still get dicey but she has learned to make the best of it. She knows (as well as I do) when to avoid my mom. Because saying anything to her sometimes makes her explode and get worse. Though we are looking to move just to avoid any future stress.

I'd say I'd be most concerned if he was a mamas boy. Because they tend to accept everything their mother says without thinking about it. That can be dangerous and cost both a ruined marriage.

 

[QuietBeauty]

QuietBeauty:
You the one with the mother in-law who squeezes her son's naked butt when he showers and she shakes her panties at him?
Forgive me if I have mixed up your post with someone elses, I'm new here.

Unfortunately that's me

 

[QuietBeauty]

In the end two women, even if living apart are going to butt heads sometimes. For some its minor, for others its major. A mom wants whats best for her son, a wife wants whats best for her husband. If your really bugged by it tell your husband to speak up and side with you. Though from what you said your letting it damage your marriage more so then the mother. Ignore your MIL and her rudeness. Pray for her. Try to love her, even if you can't get close.

We live with my parents and my mom and wife butt heads often. At first my wife hated it. She wanted to go back to her country. Things can still get dicey but she has learned to make the best of it. She knows (as well as I do) when to avoid my mom. Because saying anything to her sometimes makes her explode and get worse. Though we are looking to move just to avoid any future stress.

I'd say I'd be most concerned if he was a mamas boy. Because they tend to accept everything their mother says without thinking about it. That can be dangerous and cost both a ruined marriage.

My husband is a mama's boy and that is exactly what is happening - He is accepting everything that she does to me and not telling her that it isn't right. I've asked,cried and practically begged him to tell his mom that this isn't right because she keeps being disrespectful towards me but he just doesn't. It makes me sad but at the same time - I have to move on. I'm going to continue to live for God and not let this woman steal my joy any longer.

 

[QuietBeauty]

I don't have enough information but I'm guessing that your husband and his mother have a very close relationship and to her you are seen by her as interfering with that relationship because in a sense you are REPLACING her as the "woman in his life" and some of the attention she used to get you are now getting. It is a sort of jealousy type thing I've heard about between mothers, their sons, and the sons wives that either in time the MIL will get used to it and form a bond between their daughter in law to make up for some of the lost attention or will get more and more possessive and bitter and then a rift will form between daughter in law and mother in law and the wife will tell the husband to limit visits of the MIL to near nil because essentially she gets to the point of trying to sabotage the marriage to "get her son back". Often the son (husband) love his mother so much that he doesn't notice the angst his new wife is having with his mom and ignores it thinking that his mom is "perfect" and sometimes even the mom is sneaky and does things to upset her daughter in law while the son isn't around.
Sooner or later this type of competition has the wife finally saying enough is enough and the man has to choose between wife and mom and the wife has to really (to him) seem rather nasty and insistent upon cutting off all ties with the mental case mother or divorce her husband to get her sanity back as the stress of it all having to compete with a mom who "never does no wrong" gets too stressful.

Oh my goodness, this is exactly what is happening to me. I just wish that my husband could see that. She throws passive aggressive digs at me but my husband sees nothing wrong with it because she is perfect to him.

 

[Sophrosyne]

Oh my goodness, this is exactly what is happening to me. I just wish that my husband could see that. She throws passive aggressive digs at me but my husband sees nothing wrong with it because she is perfect to him.

He sounds like a "mama's boy" to me. If his father isn't worthless I would talk to him about your problem but chances are the problem is related to the father and their marriage (or lack of).

 

[QuietBeauty]

He sounds like a "mama's boy" to me. If his father isn't worthless I would talk to him about your problem but chances are the problem is related to the father and their marriage (or lack of).

I always knew he was a mama's boy but never to the point of him letting his mother disrespect his wife. His mother is single. I am just going to accept this because he isn't willing to stand up to her no matter how much I cry or beg him.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I always knew he was a mama's boy but never to the point of him letting his mother disrespect his wife. His mother is single. I am just going to accept this because he isn't willing to stand up to her no matter how much I cry or beg him.

I sort of figured she had no man in her life but her son. Not really knowing the entirety of the situation I would say find an elder at your church to talk to and don't let on to your husband what you are doing nor think anything you say or do will change the situation at all. You need someone that isn't involved to see things at a different perspective to help you think things through. If his mother is very manipulative then anything you do to remedy the situation could be turned against you making things a lot worse you may have to soft sell things.

 

[QuietBeauty]

I sort of figured she had no man in her life but her son. Not really knowing the entirety of the situation I would say find an elder at your church to talk to and don't let on to your husband what you are doing nor think anything you say or do will change the situation at all. You need someone that isn't involved to see things at a different perspective to help you think things through. If his mother is very manipulative then anything you do to remedy the situation could be turned against you making things a lot worse you may have to soft sell things.

I've tried talking nicely to her about it but she says she doesn't know what I'm talking about and I always feel like the situation gets turned around on me. Thank you for replying to my post, I really appreciate it.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I've tried talking nicely to her about it but she says she doesn't know what I'm talking about and I always feel like the situation gets turned around on me. Thank you for replying to my post, I really appreciate it.

I think your situation is more complicated than advice online is able to properly handle well as it is hard to tell how deeply connected and rooted people are with each other and the level of respect across lines as to ascertain how to proceed. One thing I have learned is the respect people have for themselves and others helps in engaging them to change their thinking and attitude. If people don't respect you then what you say or do will have little to no meaning as to how they treat you that will be on their respect for themselves (manners, morals, etc). I've dealt with people that don't respect me but for what they can get from me and the only "win" I usually accomplish is a stalemate with them till they need something from me then they "act" like they respect me for the time being.

 

[seashale76]

Unfortunately that's me

You have way more serious problems in light of this. In fact, I would insist on counseling and start looking into divorce. That's so far from normal it's not funny. You DON'T let things like this go. There seems to be something of an Oedipus complex going on. You DON'T put up with it and you DON'T ignore it.

Before reading this part of the thread, I was simply going to tell you that you needed to talk to your husband. In a normal marriage, a husband defends his wife and sorts this problem if his parents are out of line.