Is this "normal"

[Vernieb]

When my husband and I disagree on something he starts yelling. When I start to try to explain how I feel about something he talks over me and says hurtful things. I even say things like, "You're talking over me" or " you're not even listening to what I'm saying to understand my point of view" and then he will says something like, "That's because I'm right and you know it". He won't relent until I usually start crying at some point b/c I start to feel bullied and then and only then will he change his tune and want to "talk". However, even when we do finally "talk" it usally ends in me just saying, "yep. You're right", or "I'm sorry" even when I'm not just so he will leave me alone and stop following me around yelling at me. I feel like this is not normal, but I grew up in a house where no one ever yelled-ever, so I wonder if this is what it's like in other homes sometimes, or if maybe I'm just overly sensitive to it? At times I feel like I'm just too submerged in it to see it for what it is. Any insight would be appreciated.

 

[OliviaMay]

It is abuse. Abuse is not normal. It is too common, but not normal.

 

[mkgal1]

I agree with Olivia.....at minimum it's not healthy. You need to be able to express your opinions and actually be heard and considered. I just posted in another thread how important it is for people to learn how to disagree with respect....and I think that applies here as well.

 

[Vernieb]

I do agree. I already kind of knew the answer, but like I said I feel like I've been submerged in it for so long that I don't see clearly all the time.

 

[mkgal1]

That's something else that is a part of all this----the self doubt. Does he often throw back at you that you're "too sensitive" or things of that nature? I do think that what's helpful is having a firm grasp on what is and isn't healthy (to help you with that self doubt and confusion)....which seems to be exactly what you're doing, so your instincts are good.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I've gotten to the point where when people say things aggressive like "Thats because I'm right and you know it!" I just let them do what they want. If you want to drive your motorcycle 100mph down the freeway with no helmet.... be my guest. If people aren't up for hearing anything then after awhile I just let them learn the hard way.

Though in this case of course its your spouse. So I am more persistent about what I have to say, because in a marriage what one spouse does (especially if wrong) can affect both of you. And thats why couple need to BOTH talk and to both listen because your no longer single and making decisions for just yourself. Worse comes to worse you can always tell him you both need to see a christian counselor. He may be resistant about it but if he really cares about the marriage then he should be willing to try it. If hes "right" then what is there for him to worry about then? Though I wouldn't be sarcastic to much about it because sarcasm just puts up defenses for the person on the other end. I myself remember as the man I should always be guiding my wife towards God. If I am making her mad, talking over her, acting immature to her then I'm causing her to be ungodly too and thats on me then.

 

[Vernieb]

Yes. I guess as a more passive person that's usually my instinct is to try to walk away and just not try to argue b/c in the moment he isn't listening anyway. However, we have kids so I worry about what they are seeing. I don't want them to think that's how people communicate or for my son that's how to treat your wife, or to my daughters that's how you should expect to be treated. We have gone to counseling a few times in the past, but he acts one way in counseling and then things that are said there are "used against me" later. Immaturity plays a big part in this. In one of the most recent arguments he told me that my problem was "I just refuse to submit to him as a husband". I told him that yes, that's true, b/c I didn't think he was being a Godly leader as a husband, and then from there it just spiraled back into him yelling and at that point I usually just check out mentally and stop talking unti he shuts up. It's like we need a mediator at all times. Recently, his younger sister stayed with us for about a week and he did the same thing to her. He got it in his head that she was trying to "get over on us" and he confronted her and started yelling, etc. until she cried and then he said he was sorry, blah, blah, same story. But the thing I think that gets to me the most is that she has a similar personality to me in that she is mild mannered and soft spoken and I don't think he would have talked that way to someone who wasn't like that-for example his older sister who has a totally different personality.

 

[Armoured]

He's probably not aware that he's actually being unreasonable, but a lot of people, for various reasons, behave irrationally and selfishly in times of heightened emotion. Counselling may help.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

In one of the most recent arguments he told me that my problem was "I just refuse to submit to him as a husband". I told him that yes, that's true, b/c I didn't think he was being a Godly leader as a husband....

Thats so true. Hes not being a godly leader.

My father is a godly man but the problem is he has a comfort zone and won't say anything anymore to her, especially when shes yelling. She has rage issues. But after awhile of him saying nothing it just often makes things worse. She ends up yelling more or she does things that mess up everything else for our family. So he shouldn't be overly quiet I think. Though obviously in their marriage the roles are reversed compared to yours.

Another step you can take is if he isn't up for counseling (which is a third party who is unbiased), then you could always say you will split up for awhile, not talking divorce obviously, just you temporarily leave or he temporarily leaves. Like go to a friends house for a week. Give him time to think about things. Maybe he will realize hes gone to far since you actually felt the need to be away from him for a bit. I knew a couple that did that. Wife went to her friends for two weeks. Ignored her husbands phone calls the first day or two since he was mad. By the end of the second week he came over with flowers in hand and cried for forgiveness and swore he would get help. He stayed true to his promise and they went to counseling. He doesn't fight with her now.