Is there anyone here

[Star Dancer]

Hi
This is my first post, and notice this forum doesn't seem to be that active, just wondering if anyone is around any more. I lost my husband in May, working my way through the long dark tunnel of grief, with Jesus lifting me up on those really bad days.
The loneliness, the disappearance of so called friends has left me a little more than upset with those whom I have always thought were friends.

 

[blackribbon]

Because it isn't very active, I only check in periodically...but yes, I am still here. My husband died in Jan 2009...almost 7 years ago. I am living again but it still hurts. How can I attempt to help you or support you?

 

[Star Dancer]

Thank you for responding Blackribbon. It's okay, I had been lurking for awhile and never had seen much activity, so joining I decided to ask. Some times being able to talk about things relative to being widowed helps. I will be fine, and will find some more active forums to engage in. Thank you again Blackribbon. Blessings. Star Dancer

 

[blackribbon]

Thank you for responding Blackribbon. It's okay, I had been lurking for awhile and never had seen much activity, so joining I decided to ask. Some times being able to talk about things relative to being widowed helps. I will be fine, and will find some more active forums to engage in. Thank you again Blackribbon. Blessings. Star Dancer

I used to belong to two very active widows forums but they have since gone away. There are a number of private groups on Facebook. Just do a search and request to join...you usually don't have to know anyone to join, just actually be a widow or widower. They can offer a lot of support and contact with people who understand and have the same issues.

Here is one I know that has helped a bunch of my widowed friends. This group also has a facebook group. http://www.soaringspirits.org/

I actually wish this board were more active.

 

[Star Dancer]

Thank you blackribbon
Blessings. Star Dancer

 

[pursuetruth]

Star Dancer I am so sorry for your loss. It's interesting but when my Mom lost my Dad, she was amazed that the people she thought were her friends did little for her, but those she barely even looked upon as acquaintances, filled in the gap.

 

[Star Dancer]

Hi Pursuetruth

One thing for sure is that the addresses, aka emails etc change after the death of a spouse. My biggest shock were from those who claimed to be Christians disappears completely from my life as if death scared them somehow, and those people who you barely know step in for support. Thank you for your kind words.
Blessings to you and yours. Star Dancer

 

[Johnnz]

Previous friends not being there for you is common, sadly. As a single you become part of an 'underclass'. there in body but little more. It's a horrible reality. My wife and I were aware of that happening and reached out to some single and newly single people. But now I am widowed I am experiencing what we saw happen to others.

John
NZ

 

[blackribbon]

Previous friends not being there for you is common, sadly. As a single you become part of an 'underclass'. there in body but little more. It's a horrible reality. My wife and I were aware of that happening and reached out to some single and mewly single people. But now I am widowed I am experiencing what we saw happen to others.

John
NZ

It is really common for us widows. I had a "more experienced" widow advice me to "keep my address book in pencil because it would look very different at the end of one year." I don't know why this happens. I really only have one friend left from my "before" life. The rest are people who only know me since my husband died. I wish I had some answers on how to make this better. I gave up and moved 1200 miles away and just started over to a place where I knew no one. It was a good option for my family and I believe that we are all healthier for the change. I don't know that it would be a good option for anyone else. I still don't have a lot of friends but I don't feel so betrayed anymore.

 

[Star Dancer]

That is what I am thinking of doing, just pack up and move to a new place where I can just start over, I don't like the feeling of, as you put it betrayal. Since I have no family or children, and few friends left it is an option that I am seriously considering, but will wait awhile. I keep hearing the Lord tell me "Wait", so until I hear otherwise I will simply enjoy my own company, and do those things that make me feel whole.
I have meet some newly widowed people and I enjoy being with them, and it is just sad that as a child we were taught to check in on the newly widowed regardless of their age, to be helpful and provide support. Sadly it doesn't seem to be the way of the world any more.
I cooked for some widows and widowers this Christmas, best thing I could have done, not just for them but for me too.
Blessings to all. Star Dancer.

 

[pdudgeon]

agreed about the disapearance of friends. and yes moving--whether into a new group of people or into a new place--is definitely an option.

I chose to move into a brand new group of people while still retaining my residence, (perhaps the best of both worlds) and it has worked for me.
I still maintain my identity as a widdow and i don't socialize all that much,(only in groups--not 1/1)
but i'm in the process of developing two 'home bases' as it were where i feel comforable.

 

[msturtle]

I too am amazed at the lack of christian support since my husband passed 14 mos ago. With the exception of 2 long distance christian friends, the rest disappeared within weeks of his death. Our non-believer friends have been been better with 4 remaining with at least weekly contact with me. Unfortunately 2 are very far away.
Was it DC Talk that came out many yrs ago with a song abt what this behavior?
I actually reached out for some help with flooding last month, as the sand bags and digging started to be much for me, and none of the contractors could come help immediately. No one from our 2 churches even called back! (We attended 2 congregations) And I was at work all day, then coming home to try to rescue the mess under spot lights!
Thank goodness far away son came and helped.
Another amazing thing...I live in a small town. The City has always been at least conversant with my husband with things like water drainage, street issues, parking, etc. They will not even talk with me. Seems the good ole boy network is alive and well here!! I leave multiple messages, send email, have even sent regular mail, but no response. He never had this issue! The mayor was in the breakfast room with him if he complained.
So now we have become marginalized, alone, labeled as the "underclass" per John, and weak little widows to be discounted?
Moving sounds good!! Like your plan!!

 

[Star Dancer]

msturtle, you have said it so very well, thank you. I too live in a small town, when my husband was so very ill I wondered where everyone had gone. Those same very people who were nowhere around suddenly filled the church at his funeral, and then they were gone again. I just don't understand what has happened to us Christians, has somewhere the definition changed? Or are there just more Sunday Christians. I don't expect an answer just so very disappointed in those whom I thought were friends, and Christians.
Happy New Year
Blessings to everyone
Star Dancer

 

[blackribbon]

There is a reason why the Bible tells Christians to specifically take care of the widows. I think this has been human behavior since day one. I just wish there was a better support system in place for us to support each other. My experience is that most widows just learn to wear the "I am fine" mask and pretend that they are "better now" because it isn't "Christian" to be sad long term. I am realizing that I don't think any of us will "get over it" if we really loved them. Like my friends said "He wasn't just a godfish that I flushed, he was the love of my life and I waited a long time to find him." We can learn to move forward but to pretend like they aren't a frequent visitor to our thoughts and emotions is to deny that we are human and this is a great loss. The rest of the world wants us to act like they are an "ex" which should be moved past. Either that, or show our "great love" by being alone forever. Neither sounds very appealing to me.

 

[Star Dancer]

Amen blackribbon! I live with the motto now that what doesn't break me makes me stronger. I for one will do my part to help the next widow, and the one after that, until I can no longer do anything. That is what a Christian is suppose to do, not tell us to get over it, move on and the thousand other words I have heard. At least I got to experience real, true human love, and that is something some search for their whole life. At least I am experiencing God's love. Tough, you bet, but blessed I am.
Blessings to all
Star Dancer

 

[blackribbon]

Helping others is what helped me survive. However, I find I am less able to help widows because we look in each other's eyes and see the reality that this doesn't really "get better". And putting up the wall is hard to do. I don't want to steal someone else's "hope" while they still need it to survive each day.

A few years into this when I started to suffer compassion fatigue, I had a wise person tell me that "even on the airplanes, they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others." I know I can't nurse on an oncology floor and have difficulty with the oncology patients that do end up on my floor. It isn't a lack of compassion but rather the ability to see what they and their family's can't see yet.

 

[Star Dancer]

I do agree blackribbon in that at some point the compassion fatigue will set in, I will need to move on, and perhaps that is why few help widows because the thought may be "there but for the grace of God".
Blessings
Katrina

 

[NOTWHATIWAS]

There is someone here. Please feel free to reach out and share more of your story. I will keep you in prayers. Remember the "friend who will never abandon or forsake you".