Is it possible to be a good mother-in-law?

akmom

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There are a lot of posts about bad in-laws, and my own experience has been that parents are really critical of their children's spouses. I just wonder, is it even possible to be a good mother-in-law? Because it sure doesn't seem like that is a dynamic you ever see.

I know my parents were very harsh about my sister's husband and all my brother's girlfriends. I didn't hear any criticism about my own husband, but that doesn't mean there wasn't any; it is not in my parents' nature to complain directly to the offending child unless there is a clear opportunity. And to my surprise, my own mother-in-law randomly told my husband that he could leave if he wanted to. I asked him, "Where did that come from?" He claims he doesn't know, which may or may not be true. But I was stunned, because I was under the impression that I was the kind of girl that women wanted their sons to marry. Apparently not quite.

Anyway, all of my children are under the age of ten. But the fact is, I can't even imagine someone being good enough for them. I can picture a hypothetical candidate, being the kindest, handsomest, most educated and accomplished specimen I can think of, and he does not seem good enough for my daughter. Like, he probably doesn't have enough personality, for one. I watched her grow up from a baby and she is such an incredibly unique and wonderful person, that it would take someone pretty special to be worth her time. So clearly this is going to be an issue. Someday. How do you make yourself like someone you didn't raise, so much that you can accept them marrying your child? I'm already critical of people in general, and am constantly having to humble myself in prayer, and that is regarding people that don't even affect my life much. I don't know how I'm going to cope with people who marry my children.
 

HannahT

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I look at it like this! I have to respect my children's adult decisions when it comes to a spouse, and I was lucky my parents knew where the proper boundary was...and choose to respect it. They may not have liked all of his decisions - or our decisions for that matter - but they also respected the fact its our life not their's.

It really doesn't matter if I don't LOVE them to death! It matters if they do. I find it extremely selfish on the part of parents, siblings or whomever to stick their nose into the relationship by being ugly on purpose. This directly effects their life and relationship. That is a place I have no business being in. Why would I want to be the contributor to chaos in their life, and the try to LIE to myself claiming its for their own good?

Butting out is hard business, but if we love and respect our children? We must. Heck, I have had a hard time at first letting go of the fact my kids....are no longer kids! I had to grin and bare it with some of their decisions, because they are in fact adults. They were not evil decisions, but ones they wanted....lol and I didn't! It's hard to turn off the authority you had in your life over their's, but out of respect I must. I have to learn to give advice when asked in a certain manner to respect the person they are now too. The relationship has changed, and so must I.
 
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Dave-W

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It really doesn't matter if I don't LOVE them to death! It matters if they do.
AMEN!!!

Pray for your children's spouses, even now when your kids are young. God will give you a love and respect for them when the time comes.
 
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kmrichard7

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Well first no one is goodenough. Not even you. Thats why we need Jesus. If you can remember and apply that any time you feel like someone isnt "measuring up" you will have a much better relationship with your future children in law and all other relationships. And dont forget, you may think so but your children are not perfect angels and there are plenty of people who would think your children do not measure up. This world needs Gods grace.

It tends to be more problematic between the mother in law and a daughter in law. Theres something in us women that wants to compete with other women. So when a woman spends her entire life raising a son and being his number 1 woman his whole life, and suddenly the number 1 woman spot is being taken away and replaced by someone else, the mother in law tends to get territorial and competitive. This leaves the daughter in law struggling to assert her role in her new husbands life and practically begging for her new role to be respected and accepted. Of course this isnt true with every mother in law-daughter in law relationship but it is very common.

My own mother in law has proved this dynamic to be rather true. I did marry her first born but wow. From the beginning i knew i wouldnt be good enough and countless times its been proven. Shes even gone so far as to discuss her concerns of mine and my husbands child bearing as my family is not good enough to be a part of her future grandchildrens lives. Seriously. She told me this matter of factly as i sat across from her 5 weeks pregnant with our first, only learning about the pregnancy the day before.
Well shes proven with many actions and words just how i dont measure up and neither does her other daughter in law who grew up in the ideal family environment centered around Christ. Shes not good enough either. My mother in law always critisizes my sister in law who came from an ideal home, whereas i came from complete dysfunction drugs and alcohol type of home. Imagine what she says about me and my family when im not around!
So i thank God he only blessed us with girls so that i will never becomr that mother in law fighting for her childs number one spot again. I pray that i will always remember that no one, not even I, is good enough and thats why we need Jesus. So long as my future son in laws love Jesus, i will love them and accept them as the future leaders of my childrens family. I will trust that God places them in capable hands and remember that it all works according to His plan.
 
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akmom

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Well I haven't even really thought about my sons' wives. That will be a tough one. So many of our peers have divorced now, and the men don't live with their children or see them regularly. I don't want anyone marrying my sons and then running off with their children. That sounds pretty crummy. They shouldn't end up with broken families and estranged children. If someone is going to marry my sons, which I have invested in for years and love, they should stick around! I'm going to be so upset if their wives divorce them and remarry questionable people and leave our grandchildren growing up with random people and never seeing us. I can see why parents make it their business; if their kids make a poor choice in spouse, it could potentially ruin them and their families.

I hear a lot of complaining about in-laws within my circles, but most of them have gone on to divorce anyway. So apparently the in-laws were right. Unless the in-laws themselves drive the spouse away, which has not been the case among the people I know. It just seems that so many people are bad at picking a spouse. They get so uptight about how the in-laws treat them, but five years later they are long gone, and the in-laws are still there. The parents on both sides are often the ones filling in the gaps that broken homes often have, particularly on the childcare and financial fronts. But it's "none of their business," of course.
 
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mkgal1

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In answer to your question: YES. I know of several wonderful mother-in-laws...including mine. I'm closer to my MIL than I was my own mother. There doesn't have to be the attitude of competition. It's our job to raise our children to make wise choices (on their own, when they're adults).
 
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heliumskylark

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When I see this dynamic (MILs who are irrationally critical of their kids-in-law) it tends to occur in one of two situations. Either the mom is delusional about how fabulous her own child is, or the opposite is true and she perceives her child through a lens of constant failure - including in his choice of spouse. I think the answer is to have a balanced view of your children. Your daughter may well be incredibly unique and wonderful, but I bet there are also times when she's downright annoying, or obnoxious, or selfish. The guy she marries isn't getting a perfect package any more than she is. I don't have any kids, so my advice is based on experience of mothers and mothers-in-law, but to me it seems the earlier you start allowing your kids to make their own choices (as appropriate for their age, of course), and respecting those choices even if you wouldn't necessarily have made them yourself, the easier it will be for you to respect their choice of spouse.
I'm fortunate that my mom loves my husband and my sister's husband as much as she loves her own kids (or if that's not QUITE true, she does a pretty good job of acting like it is ;) ) Equally, my husband's mom has made a big effort to extend friendship and acceptance to me. We had some communication differences in the beginning that needed ironing out, but at least I can rest in the confidence that she's happy I'm part of the family. Knowing that we've had our parents' support has made a big difference to our marriage - it's one of the greatest gifts you can give your child IMHO.
 
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keith99

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In answer to your question: YES. I know of several wonderful mother-in-laws...including mine. I'm closer to my MIL than I was my own mother. There doesn't have to be the attitude of competition. It's our job to raise our children to make wise choices (on their own, when they're adults).

I'm divorced. My ex wife is still closer to my mother than to her own mother. My brother's Mother-in-Law was a good Mother-in-Law.

Come to think of it there are no cases I know of in my extended family where there is a Mother-in-Law that was in any way bad except when that person is from a generally dysfunctional family and retains the traits of dysfunction.
 
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mkgal1

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Come to think of it there are no cases I know of in my extended family where there is a Mother-in-Law that was in any way bad except when that person is from a generally dysfunctional family and retains the traits of dysfunction.
I think that's often a big part of it (coming from a generally dysfunctional family and retaining those traits of dysfunction). We love others because we were first loved.....right? Even subtle things like a family belief that anything less than always "pulling up your bootstraps and never let them see you cry" is going to have a long-term effect on a person and their relationships.
 
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mkgal1

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to me it seems the earlier you start allowing your kids to make their own choices (as appropriate for their age, of course), and respecting those choices even if you wouldn't necessarily have made them yourself, the easier it will be for you to respect their choice of spouse.
I completely agree---that was my philosophy (and how I raised my daughter...with great results).
 
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WolfGate

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Mine was wonderful. Never felt anything but loved, appreciated, respected and welcome by her. Broke my heart to see her go through dementia to the point she could not even recognize herself - but she was always happy to see family even if she did not know who they were.
 
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Job8

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I just wonder, is it even possible to be a good mother-in-law? Because it sure doesn't seem like that is a dynamic you ever see.
Hypothetically I would say "Absolutely" (as a man). Mothers-in-law simply have to understand that their children's marriages are really not their business. If asked for advice in good faith, they can give it. If not, then let their children learn the hard way (after having offered to be available). Sons and daughters-in-law need to show respect and regard at the same time (if not love). There's usually fault on both sides, and frequently it is because "mama's boy" has not learned to stand up for himself and his wife (without being nasty).
 
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mkgal1

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and frequently it is because "mama's boy" has not learned to stand up for himself and his wife (without being nasty).
Ah....that's a good point! Don't you think that's something that's lacking, in general, the inability to deal with conflict in a loving yet assertive manner? It seems a lot of people operate in one of two extremes, either being completely passive and non-confrontational.....or overbearing and rude.
 
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Job8

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Ah....that's a good point! Don't you think that's something that's lacking, in general, the inability to deal with conflict in a loving yet assertive manner? It seems a lot of people operate in one of two extremes, either being completely passive and non-confrontational.....or overbearing and rude.
Exactly. The other point is that even though almost everyone is aware of the *mother-in-law syndrome*, newly-weds probably do not talk about this and how it should be handled maturely and graciously (otherwise we would not have this thread). Being up-front about these matters is best, and could avoid a lot of grief. Then again, a lot of people are carrying all kinds of baggage, and even Christians don't understand how unhealthy that is. According to Scripture, the bride leaves her home behind, and the groom leaves his parents *behind* in a manner of speaking.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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Everyone always tell mes putting two women in a room can cause problems, having two women living in one house is insane. lol. My wife and mom (who we life with) is chaotic. Both are strong willed, stubborn and independent. Even if we lived somewhere else, I can see my mom having "opinions" about everything. I don't think any MIL tries to be bad, its just being married and having parents involved is hard because parents want whats best, sometimes whats best in their minds instead of letting their adult children run their own marriage and household.
 
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mkgal1

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Then again, a lot of people are carrying all kinds of baggage, and even Christians don't understand how unhealthy that is.
Another excellent point! I'd even say "Especially Christians don't understand how unhealthy that is" because (in general) the church doesn't promote dealing with baggage (and expects that becoming a Christian....or making "confessions" of sins is enough).
 
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