Introspection about Nagging and Criticism

Hetta

I'll find my way home
Jun 21, 2012
16,925
4,875
the here and now
✟64,923.00
Country
France
Faith
Christian Seeker
Marital Status
Married
I guess the husband doesn't shop for groceries very often or have any investment in his own health if he didn't know which meat to buy. I'm glad to have a husband who does both.

I don't see how it can apply to both genders as it's specifically calling women/wives naggers and criticizers. I've seen it go both ways.
 
Upvote 0

Dave-W

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!
Supporter
Jun 18, 2014
30,521
16,866
Maryland - just north of D.C.
Visit site
✟771,800.00
Country
United States
Faith
Messianic
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
Toward the end of the article the author says this:
If we keep attempting to make our husbands feel small, or foolish, or inept because they occasionally mess up (and I use that term to also mean "do things differently than us"), then eventually they're going to stop trying to do things. Or worse yet, they'll actually come to believe those labels are true.

Why is that seen as "worse?" It sounds like believing that was the purpose of the criticism.
 
Upvote 0

Hetta

I'll find my way home
Jun 21, 2012
16,925
4,875
the here and now
✟64,923.00
Country
France
Faith
Christian Seeker
Marital Status
Married
One other thing - the husband is displaying passive-aggressive behaviors that are just as damaging to communication and to marriages. I have several people in my life who engage in p/a behaviors, including my boss, and it drives me crazy. I'm in favor of direct, open discussion and honesty. Also perhaps if the guy after how many years managed to remember not to mix his laundry up, perhaps that would help? That is strictly infantile behavior which begs for a wife to act like a mom.
 
Upvote 0

Dave-W

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!
Supporter
Jun 18, 2014
30,521
16,866
Maryland - just north of D.C.
Visit site
✟771,800.00
Country
United States
Faith
Messianic
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
Also perhaps if the guy after how many years managed to remember not to mix his laundry up, perhaps that would help? That is strictly infantile behavior which begs for a wife to act like a mom.

Ouch. The guy messes up one pair of socks in - how many years? I would not characterize that as "strictly infantile behavior." Socks can hide out in the hamper inside other clothes. Happens all the time. And if he is doing his own laundry - why would she even notice or comment on it?

Like the gal on the insurance commercial says: "NewsFlash: Nobody's perfect."
 
Upvote 0

annafullofgrace

His blood sets me free.
Dec 28, 2014
239
57
USA
✟44,039.00
Faith
Lutheran
Marital Status
Married
If this situation was reversed, the man would be considered of emotional abuse towards his wife. A woman should not treat her husband that way. He is not her child. He is a man. And if he has spent years of this with her, yes, I've seen men who just give in and comply because they just don't want to hear it anymore. It is just as wrong for a woman to belittle her husband as it is for a man to do to his wife.
 
Upvote 0

Dave-W

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!
Supporter
Jun 18, 2014
30,521
16,866
Maryland - just north of D.C.
Visit site
✟771,800.00
Country
United States
Faith
Messianic
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
If this situation was reversed, the man would be considered of emotional abuse towards his wife. A woman should not treat her husband that way. He is not her child. He is a man. And if he has spent years of this with her, yes, I've seen men who just give in and comply because they just don't want to hear it anymore. It is just as wrong for a woman to belittle her husband as it is for a man to do to his wife.

Ah - but that statement is fighting against one of the great cultural axioms in our modern western society: "All men are abusers and all women are victims."

That means women have cart blanch to do whatever because it is the victim fighting back.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Avniel

Doing my part each day by being the best me
Jun 11, 2010
7,219
438
Bronx NYC
✟31,441.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Democrat
I think it's culturally accepted for women to verbally abuse men and belittle them for errors we all make. Women in my opinion in western society lack a certain level of accountability.

It's not passive aggressive to say "i don't think it's so serious" he might actual have not cared.

We always attempt to make men aggressive when they are the victims.

I always bring this up Ray Rice and his wife were abusive towards each other. I saw two victims in that situation however in a society that doesn't hold women accountable she was the only victim because he hit her back.

Women want men to be passive
 
Upvote 0

Avniel

Doing my part each day by being the best me
Jun 11, 2010
7,219
438
Bronx NYC
✟31,441.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Democrat
Good for the wife in the article. She was displaying abusive behavior, recognized it, and is making specific efforts to change.
Exactly right is right and wrong is wrong despite gender.

For some reason strength is seen as being aggressive and abusive
 
Upvote 0

Hetta

I'll find my way home
Jun 21, 2012
16,925
4,875
the here and now
✟64,923.00
Country
France
Faith
Christian Seeker
Marital Status
Married
Ouch. The guy messes up one pair of socks in - how many years? I would not characterize that as "strictly infantile behavior." Socks can hide out in the hamper inside other clothes. Happens all the time. And if he is doing his own laundry - why would she even notice or comment on it?

Like the gal on the insurance commercial says: "NewsFlash: Nobody's perfect."
The way I read it, the husband was saying that he didn't do something because he thought she would correct him for mixing his clothes. The inference from both the husband and wife were that she had told him this persistently. If someone is telling you something persistently, you may call it nagging, but adults should be adults and perhaps stop mixing up their laundry? So him not telling her about the sock or whatever just tells me that he still hasn't learned to take care of his laundry. Which is sad.
 
Upvote 0

Avniel

Doing my part each day by being the best me
Jun 11, 2010
7,219
438
Bronx NYC
✟31,441.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Democrat
The way I read it, the husband was saying that he didn't do something because he thought she would correct him for mixing his clothes. The inference from both the husband and wife were that she had told him this persistently. If someone is telling you something persistently, you may call it nagging, but adults should be adults and perhaps stop mixing up their laundry? So him not telling her about the sock or whatever just tells me that he still hasn't learned to take care of his laundry. Which is sad.
So you mean to tell me you have never ruined clothes by accidentally washing it with the wrong pile? It happens clothes fall, something gets left in the machine.....mistakes happen.

I think she should treat his mistakes as gracefully and as humbly as he treats hers.

What i see is a man so beaten he can't even make the simplest mistake. He has no freedom and probably lives in a box working for her approval
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33
Supporter
Jun 22, 2007
27,339
7,349
California
✟551,233.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Married
This article had the potential to be an informative and introspective piece......BUT there were so many subtle implications (and NOT so subtle implications) that it got ruined, IMO.

For one thing: what's the need to assign specific words for behavior to one gender that *both* genders may exhibit (like "nagging" and "harping")? Why not use words like "ungracious" and "critical" that may apply to everyone?

Another thing: She wrote that she doesn't see this behavior as a "typical male characteristic". Well....that's because of how that word (nagging) is often used--we perceive it as "looking" a certain way. That's another problem with the use of those words.

Yet another issue: She assigned this behavior to "too many women" and then went on using the "we" pronoun in her sentences. She started off as sharing her insight (which *could* be helpful) but then it turned into a lecture (one that *both* genders could hear & apply....but she already dismissed the idea by that point that some men might need to hear it).

So....overall: a possible good article was destroyed by the gender divide (again) and a female author's attempt to be a "cool girl".
 
  • Like
Reactions: Hetta
Upvote 0

mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33
Supporter
Jun 22, 2007
27,339
7,349
California
✟551,233.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Married
I think she should treat his mistakes as gracefully and as humbly as he treats hers.

I agree. I just wish she hadn't missed the opportunity to express that more clearly-- making it about behavior and skipping the whole part about "too many women are......"
 
Upvote 0

Avniel

Doing my part each day by being the best me
Jun 11, 2010
7,219
438
Bronx NYC
✟31,441.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Democrat
I agree. I just wish she hadn't missed the opportunity to express that more clearly-- making it about behavior and skipping the whole part about "too many women are......"
To be honest j think there are certain traits that are culturally accepted by gender.

What she's talking about is a very real stereotype of American women, it's one of the warning many foreign mothers give their sons when they are of age of dating in America.
 
Upvote 0

mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33
Supporter
Jun 22, 2007
27,339
7,349
California
✟551,233.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Married
To be honest j think there are certain traits that are culturally accepted by gender.

What she's talking about is a very real stereotype of American women, it's one of the warning many foreign mothers give their sons when they are of age of dating in America.

I absolutely agree. Maybe "expected" would be a better word for it (culturally expected by gender)......but that's the exact problem I'm pointing out. When we (as a culture) have these implied expectations---it doesn't leave much room to even discuss things properly b/c of articles like this (there are truths alongside of falsehoods).
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Avniel

Doing my part each day by being the best me
Jun 11, 2010
7,219
438
Bronx NYC
✟31,441.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Democrat
I absolutely agree. Maybe "expected" would be a better word for it (culturally expected by gender)......but that's the exact problem I'm pointing out. When we (as a culture) have these implied expectations---it doesn't leave much room to even discuss things properly b/c of articles like this (there are truths alongside of falsehoods).
I do believe that there are women that use those expectation and know that it is somewhat accepted in society and they behave like this. i think those expectations affect the culture of women in America. If you ask people to describe American women and use experiences many will list these type of stimuli. I believe it needs to be taught that this behaviour is unacceptable instead of expected.

If we expect boys to be boys what we do is encourage negative behaviour. If we expect women to behave in this manner we encourage women weak minded enough to follow social trends. I think that's the problem.

Most immigrants(in my community) come to this country and live in working middle class areas near lower income areas. You expect that from those levels due to education, lack of fathers and the type of media that is promoted in the community. It's way easier to influence that girl with media that promotes that behaviour as acceptable.

That doesn't mean all women do it but I don't think we can deny its presence in the culture.
 
Upvote 0