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Insecurity and the ex wife - Question for the remarried women here.

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by benotte, Jun 4, 2006.

  1. 4Christ2

    4Christ2 Regular Member

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    As the woman left by her husband for the new second wife; did any of you stop to think that your husband's may not have told you the truth about his ex?

    My ex was abusive physically, mentally, and sexually. He also abused our 2 children. He would not seek counseling. I started drinking to cope with the abuse and he left me because of the drinking. I couldn't get help for the drinking because the children would have been with him alone.

    I know he has told this "christian" woman many lies about me and not the whole truth about himself. I have to talk with him often because of our children. They are 16 and 19 and very upset that their Dad was mean and hateful and has abandoned us all to "move on".

    If you think about the ex, try praying for her and if she has the children; for them as well. She is struggling spiritually, financially, and physically. God Bless!
     
  2. HuntingMan

    HuntingMan New Member

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    Im very sorry for your situation sister.
    I would ask you to not allow your own experiences with your guilty ex husband to cause you to wrongly judge those who are guiltless.
     
  3. Canuk

    Canuk Senior Member

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    um...judgement? Since when is asking a question that expresses a different point of view judging?
     
  4. 4Christ2

    4Christ2 Regular Member

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    I would like to apologize to everyone. I read the question and responded to the thread. I shouldn't have as I am not remarried and have no intentions of ever being hurt like this again.

    I am sorry if I came across as judging. I do continue to ask you to pray for the ex wife(s) children (if there are children). That is all!

    Love in Him, 4C
     
  5. InTheFlame

    InTheFlame Guest

    The first step in letting go of negative feelings/thoughts toward someone is understanding. WHY did she do what she did? Why did hubby react the way HE did? People often have a number of reasons for doing things, even when they seem completely irrational or hateful. Understanding your enemy may not improve your relationship with them, but it will certainly modify your thoughts and feelings about them. Being charitable is difficult - especially when you need to admit that your husband was unlikely to be completely blameless in the whole fiasco.

    You could approach that challenge in many ways... you could spend time every now and then thinking through what might cause you to act the way his ex acted... you could ask God to give you insight... or more difficult (but I believe maybe most effective), you could pray every night for God's love, blessing and abundance to enter her life. It's hard to pray for someone you don't like, because it requires a deep heart-change. But give it a go, eh? And try the other options too. It'll only do you good (even if it hurts).

    I do agree somewhat with 4Christ2 - always keep in mind that you'll NEVER know the whole truth about what happened between hubby and his ex. No matter how honest the person, the story is always biased. It has to be, because the person telling the story can only know what HE was thinking and feeling and reacting to - he can't know all that the other person was thinking, feeling and reacting to.
     
  6. klynnmiller

    klynnmiller Cry out to Jesus!

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    Before you read my post, just let me say that I'm not yet remarried, but will be in about 6 months. My situation is very similar as well. They were married for 10 years, and she didn't want to try to make ammends after the her infidelity was discovered. I've had to deal with my fiance's ex several times, and she tends to act very hateful, usually yelling and not allowing anyone to get a work in edgewise. Because I know personally what she can be like, I feel truly sorry that my dear fiance had been married to her! I do pray for my fiance's ex though, I pray that she comes to God, and that God brings a wonderful christian man into her life that will be good to her and the kids. I don't wish her any ill will, but also I pray this for her so she'll just get off our backs already!!! People that are happy are usually too involved with their own life and don't tend to be so meddlesome in someone else's, so I pray for her happiness. It makes it easier to be the better person when you keep that line of thinking as well as knowing that Jesus wants us to pray for and bless or enemies.
     
  7. eieiowe61

    eieiowe61 Pressing towards the mark!

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    Wow - now I know how my ex-husband's live-in (and later wife) felt about me all those years! My ex and I had the 2 children together, and remained close even after the divorce that I asked for and got after quite a struggle.

    Even though my ex still held a special love for me in his heart right up until he died 2 years ago, he was respectful enough to not ask for sex or anything like that once I remarried 2 months after our divorce was final.

    I don't think you have a thing to worry about. Especially since it was the wife who asked for the divorce in the first place!
     
  8. 4Christ2

    4Christ2 Regular Member

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    So, does one need to worry if the wife was NOT the one who asked for the divorce? Just curious about the difference.
     
  9. HarneyClan9

    HarneyClan9 New Member

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    I'm in the same same boat. Weve been married a year, they were together for 14. Were a totally blended family, but we can't have any together. She cheated & still lives with that man. You're doing better than I am, I think....I just feel so crazy sometimes, & wonder if I'm ruining my marriage with my fears. I prayed for this man & am uncontrollably pushing him away. I think for him he feels torn between doing what's best for his kids by having an amicable friendship with their mother & making me feel secure. He has such a great heart...the fear I've created in my head is so hard I have thoughts of packing up my clothes & running away from him just to get away from her. I want to believe this gets better. I don't want to believeim doomed to still have these panic attacks in a year, 5 years or a month. :(
     
  10. EbonNelumbo

    EbonNelumbo Hope is a waking dream-Aristotle Supporter

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    You're not alone in this at ALL.

    My husband's ex had two kids with him. They are (thankfully) both grown, though we have a 5 year old son (which my amazing husband has taken over on since Luke was 1 since Luke's biodad walked away...to put it nicely).

    My husband's ex is a 'firm believer' and also suffers from psychoses. During their divorce (which was while we were together), she would antagonize him deeply with notes, letters, phone messages, and the like about how God was moving him 'out of the way' and the kids resented/hated him, which wasn't exactly accurate. He developed an adjustment disorder, and severe anxiety every time the phone would ring, or we'd hear a knock on the door thinking it was involving the ex. I personally felt inferior during this time, as if she had a bigger grasp on him than influence I would ever have.

    I USED to feel suspicious to a degree, not because of him desiring to be back with the ex, but because she was rather deranged, to say it mildly, and I feared for him.

    I USED to have a lot of thoughts of wishing her harm, hoping she'd go off some of her medically needed meds just ONE MORE TIME, and have an accident, but I'd of course never have endangered my son to ever act on it, nor harm another human being, without there being the need for defense for myself or loved ones.

    If you ever want to chat, find me and I'll talk :)
     
  11. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

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    Jealous of my husband's ex? No. Irritated by her? For sure. As far as I'm concerned, there's no contest between me and her, not because I've already weighed out everything and determined that I'm better, but because I'm married to my husband, and married happily. She isn't. And when they were married, he wasn't happy and despite what she says, she wasn't either. She is who she is, her marriage was her marriage, and it's totally different than who I am and our marriage. I don't even think about who's prettier, who's more successful, who's thinner, who's smarter, etc (ok, I did just now writing this out, but I don't do so regularly or habitually) because it' just doesn't matter. To make the comparison means there's some sort of contest between me and her, something where she could come out ahead and end up with my husband... But there's no such thing. So why create the contest internally? It just adds stress, undermines my relationship with my husband and creates stress where there is none.

    I mean, not to sound like a witch, but I know she compares absolutely everything I do to her, and everything we do as a couple to her life. She openly does so, both when you look at her actions, and by her own words. She's told us and others she compares herself and her life to us and ours. It makes her bloody miserable, because she's not living or doing for herself, she's living and doing as part of this internal contest she's set up in herself. I have no desire to open that Pandora's box for myself. What she does, who she is, his past marriage with her... It's inconsequential to me and us, not worth a second thought. It's not me, it's the past.

    I guess the only time I ever think about my relationship in the context of their former marriage is that I know what caused the marriage to fall apart, so I'm really, really conscious of not allowing the same to happen in ours. For example, I don't have credit cards and I'm totally transparent about our finances. I pay the bills and when one doesn't get paid, I tell him which one, why, and when we'll get caught up. I even have an Excel sheet of all of our past spending, all of our anticipated spending for the remainder of the year, and it includes every aspect of our financial life. I'm careful to make sure that I'm really open with him emotionally, and we don't make any decisions apart from each other. And I think he says the same with regards to how he treats me vs. my first marriage. I know he doesn't compare himself to my ex (and we never, ever see him, whereas his he sees daily... Not by choice), but I know he does things as a response to how my husband used to be. For example, I know he wants to be in charge of finances, especially considering his financial past with his ex, but he asks that I do it, and my husband puts a high value on showing casual affection.

    That said, she does make me nuts. Aside from having mental issues, she's very manipulative, and even though they've been separated and divorced for years and years, she still acts like (and presents herself as) his wife... Save for when she's dating somebody. But I say that, and the last boyfriend she had she broke up with because she said she felt that my husband was "coming home" to her. When it comes to the ex, that's where I have issues. The "WTH?" moment when one of your husband's co-workers tells you solemnly that she's sorry to hear that your husband has left you for his ex, or when you mention you're buying a home and somebody asks if that's a good idea because she just dumped her boyfriend because my husband is "coming home" to her "soon."

    It's all very bizarre.
     
  12. dorig59

    dorig59 Senior Veteran

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    Hi TW, I know exactly how you feel. But I do have a question. Why do you guys, or your hubby, have to see this woman so often? No way could I tolerate that. We moved halfway across the country so we wouldn't have to see her and also to start our own life out together.
     
  13. Tropical Wilds

    Tropical Wilds Lord, beer me strength...

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    The kids. We have them 50-75% of the time, we don't miss school events, sports events, things like that. I'll deal with her lunacy if it means we can be there with the kids and give them some sort of stability as, with us, they know we'll be there. With her... Not so much. Depends on if she's in "mom-of-the-year" mode or "I deserve things for myself" mode. As it stands, they can come and go easily, stay in the same school system, be local to what they know, and it's relatively non-disruptive. We thought about moving 2-3 hours away, but the simple fact is we'd be too far from the kids, too far from my parents (which is pretty much the only support we have, aside from friends, with our son), and, quite frankly, after having a fit, she'd probably move near us. Either we don't have the kids as much, or she moves and we are re-creating the same situation we have here, just somewhere we don't know and is far from my support network... Not worth it.

    The other issue is that she works where he does. He can't find another job that pays him what he gets paid, along with the benefits (he's got 15 years in, 8 weeks of vacation, etc etc), and trust me, we've looked... And it'd be a shame to flush 15 years... It'd mean he's got 20 years and a promised retirement before he's 40. And she has no intention of leaving. She's in an invented position that requires no work, that puts her in an office next to my husband, with numerous built-in reasons to talk to him, and is so low-pressure that she brings the kids and hangs out there even when she's not working. She isn't career minded or upwardly mobile, so searching out something better career-wise isn't a priority as long as things work out for her like they are where she is now.

    That all being said, only 15 years and the kids are grown up and we can move to Florida. But who's counting. :)

    I think we do a good job making sure we have established a life of our own, there are just those weird overlap times where you're introduced as so-and-so's wife, but his ex-wife has already gone through and done the same... Then there's the awkward moment where you try to explain the situation without creating a problem, making her look as nuts as she is, or making the situation appear complicated. We do what we do and let the rest just fall away. We trust each other, and like I said, I'm not threatened by her at all. I just feel sad for her because I'm not sure how much of it she can help... She's just not quite all there. And we have hard stances on things that we just don't flex on and set some clear boundaries. He's told her no more texting after 8pm unless it's an emergency (a real emergency), no more "having the kids" call at all hours, 10 times in a row, we have clearly defined "us" time, and we're on the same page with everything even before it comes up.

    Like last night, when I went to bed at like 8 because I was having a Lyme flare-up, she sent him a text at 9 or 10pm saying she wanted to come buy and get a check "for the kids" (we're deep in the midst of "I deserve things for myself" phase so the kids have been gone since Monday with their grandmother, we pick them up Friday, she hasn't seen them since last Friday and won't see them until this Sunday). She said that she had been out with her friends at a bar and wanted him to come out front when she came to give her the kid's school check at like 10:30. Her, probably drunk/tipsy, in her date night finest, alone with him in a parking lot at night? He knew that was 18 kinds of unnecessary and even though I wouldn't have a problem per say (I'd be irritated though) as I know it's not him, it's her and nothing would happen... But a respect for me, us, and a knowledge of how she is meant that we didn't have to pow-wow on it first, he just knew he should tell her to wait until Sunday.

    It's just about communication and knowing what the limits are with how involved you want the ex to be in your life.
     
  14. Ruth2010

    Ruth2010 Newbie

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    I have been married for four years. My husbands ex wife has always been a thorn in my side. I thought I had gotten my contempt for her under some type of control but I was wrong. Now I find it spreading to her kids (her daughter from a previous relationship and my husbands daughter). I find myself looking for the ex in the kids. Holding their mother against them.

    My husband has never given me any reason to doubt him. He was cheated on by his ex and I was cheated on 2 previous husbands. I am afraid of getting hurt and cheated on again.

    I am looking for advice, quotes from the bible....anything to help me. It is ruining my marriage and I don't want to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

    He and his ex have one child together and we have none. I feel they have that special connection a child brings and I will never have that with him.
     
  15. dorig59

    dorig59 Senior Veteran

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    I totally understand how you feel because I've been there; actually, I AM there. Unfortunately there is no magical formula here. There's absolutely nothing that can get rid of the feelings you have other than as time goes on it does lessen a bit. If you're able to move as far away from her as possible, that would be helpful.

     
  16. EZoolander

    EZoolander Regular Member

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    Rationally speaking, you have reasons to be cautious if you look at it on a very superficial level. Then add your experience with infidelity in the past.

    It really boils down to making a choice whether or not you're going to let thoughts like that consume you. My advice is not to. Make that decision in faith and move forward.
     
  17. Susie~Q

    Susie~Q John 3:16 God bless you. Supporter

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    Never mind, thought this was a recent thread
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2014
  18. Susie~Q

    Susie~Q John 3:16 God bless you. Supporter

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    .....
     
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2014
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