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I'm so stupid and scared

servant4ever

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I left a bad away message about suicide on my AIM last night and someone saw it and they say they are going to call my counselor. This is so bad. I'm so scared. I see my counselor every week and the last 4 weeks we talk about the same thing. I can't do a single thing right. My life is so messed up. This is so bad. I've never had anyone report me to my counselor, just the school. To the person that saw the message (they are from CF but they know me in person)... I am still alive.

servant4ever
 

Imani

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its scary when someone reports you. I ended up in hospital recently cos of that. But i also learnt just how much that person cared about me. I didnt think anyone would have cared if id died. I know your probly terrified but think of how much that person must care about you if they are willing to risk a friendship to make sure your ok.

Sara
 
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Godsgirl481

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servant4ever said:
I left a bad away message about suicide on my AIM last night and someone saw it and they say they are going to call my counselor. This is so bad. I'm so scared. I see my counselor every week and the last 4 weeks we talk about the same thing. I can't do a single thing right. My life is so messed up. This is so bad. I've never had anyone report me to my counselor, just the school. To the person that saw the message (they are from CF but they know me in person)... I am still alive.

servant4ever
I have never had anyone care for me enough to report me. When I was in high school, I wrote a letter, with a graph when when I was going to kill myself, when how, what I was going to use...even what time I would be doing it. I gave it to a teacher and no one even looked twice at it....no one reported me...no one even asked me about it. They just care about you and love you and don't want to see you hurt.
 
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Mr.Cheese

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This seems to happen an awful lot.
Maybe if you don't want to get reported you could stop saying things that will get you reported.
But we've been through this already. So the million dollar question is: why are you still doing it?
If you haven't already, you should bring this up with your counselor. Really.

In the meantime, get a hobby. Build models or learn Greek and Roman mythology. You'd be amazed.

Life is your choice. You can choose to make the best of your situation. Or you can choose not to.

You still need to learn about Stephen Hawking
 
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If Not For Grace

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I may get alot of flack for this, but I have had to fight to just LIVE so many times. There are those who would have TAKEN my life for no reason, others for some reason. I find life precious and until you do too you will never be happy. Climbing on a self-pity pot and wanting to die everytime life gets hard makes me sick.

It's like slapping me and others in the face. God gave you this life, don't waste it. JOB, JOSPEH, DAVID, and all the great Heros of the Bible Had it tough. Many have been mamed and raped, many have never had a home or a friend. Many.

Get busy living for something, or get busy dying are the only two choices. (Paraphrased from TuPac S.'s Mom)
 
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Godsgirl481

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dyanm said:
I may get alot of flack for this, but I have had to fight to just LIVE so many times. There are those who would have TAKEN my life for no reason, others for some reason. I find life precious and until you do too you will never be happy. Climbing on a self-pity pot and wanting to die everytime life gets hard makes me sick.

It's like slapping me and others in the face. God gave you this life, don't waste it. JOB, JOSPEH, DAVID, and all the great Heros of the Bible Had it tough. Many have been mamed and raped, many have never had a home or a friend. Many.

Get busy living for something, or get busy dying are the only two choices. (Paraphrased from TuPac S.'s Mom)

I think that is a bit harsh, I get your point but you could have put it a lot less harsh.

You obviously have never been to this place. A place of utter and complete darkness, hopelessness.

You sit alone in bed, and you feel so empty. Trying to figure out what is wrong with you, no one has ever touched you in any good way. All you want is just a hug from someone....someone there to tell you they love you and everything will be ok. People are supposed to be touched, children are supposed to be loved...'why not me?' you ask yourself. Why do people hate me? What is wrong with me? The fear of dying is less than the fear of living....to continue to hurt so bad inside. You don't really want to die, you just want the pain to stop...it is unbearable. You try to talk to people, try to tell them about the hurt, but you are scared....terrified......scared to let it out, scared of people's reactions....scared of being hated...being hurt. Wishing you can just disappear, screaming hatred to God because he is allowing you to hurt...and he allowed you to get hurt. You've tried everything...can't talk about it, can't pray it away, can't trust anyone (even God), can't numb it away anymore with cutting or drugs....a heaviness, it hurts...makes it hard to breath....getting weaker, emotionally tired....can't even bear to open your eyes in the morning.....just wanting to give up....give in.....die......


Please be a little more sensitive to other's feelings and pain, just because you don't understand it does not mean we are bad pathetic people.
 
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Evie

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wow,reading you girls posts made my eyes swell up. Just lost my nephew to this. Ya know even I get down and depressed but to talk suicide. Jesus just loves you guys and I know that you know that,but I guess it just bothers me to hear you talk that way. You say know one cares,He does. When you feel alone,He's there. I remember when I was in high school,I was a depressed teen I never fit in. I would always know that I would always be loved by God the creater of me. It always reassured me. Praying for each of you tonight:prayer:
 
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Evie

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Bams481 said:
I think that is a bit harsh, I get your point but you could have put it a lot less harsh.

You obviously have never been to this place. A place of utter and complete darkness, hopelessness.

You sit alone in bed, and you feel so empty. Trying to figure out what is wrong with you, no one has ever touched you in any good way. All you want is just a hug from someone....someone there to tell you they love you and everything will be ok. People are supposed to be touched, children are supposed to be loved...'why not me?' you ask yourself. Why do people hate me? What is wrong with me? The fear of dying is less than the fear of living....to continue to hurt so bad inside. You don't really want to die, you just want the pain to stop...it is unbearable. You try to talk to people, try to tell them about the hurt, but you are scared....terrified......scared to let it out, scared of people's reactions....scared of being hated...being hurt. Wishing you can just disappear, screaming hatred to God because he is allowing you to hurt...and he allowed you to get hurt. You've tried everything...can't talk about it, can't pray it away, can't trust anyone (even God), can't numb it away anymore with cutting or drugs....a heaviness, it hurts...makes it hard to breath....getting weaker, emotionally tired....can't even bear to open your eyes in the morning.....just wanting to give up....give in.....die......


Please be a little more sensitive to other's feelings and pain, just because you don't understand it does not mean we are bad pathetic people.
here's a hug sweetie!
 
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madison1101

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Your counselor can help you. You are not in trouble. You need to talk to the counselor and talk about your desire to die, and what is triggering these feelings. You need to get the ickiness out of your thinking, and if it is some sort of trauma that happened, you need to talk about it.

I understand from both perspectives. I used to be suicidal, and now I am in grad school to become a psychotherapist so that I can help hurting people like you, me and everyone else here.

Know and believe these things. 1. God is who He says He is. 2. He can do what He says He can do. 3. He is alive and living in you. 4. You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.

Hugs,
Madison :groupray:
 
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servant4ever

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Hi,

I'm doing a lot better today. In fact, the last few days. lol, when I got to the conseling place there was an ambulance sitting outside the front door, I got really scared. But, the ambulance wasn't for me. :)

servant4ever
 
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doofus125

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servant4ever said:
Hi,

I'm doing a lot better today. In fact, the last few days. lol, when I got to the conseling place there was an ambulance sitting outside the front door, I got really scared. But, the ambulance wasn't for me. :)

servant4ever

Bro, have you considered counceling? We all have problems in life, some more than others, and others that can handle it better, but for those who can't there is help there. There are people who will listen to you and help you. If not counceling, what about your friends, talk to your friends, let them know what is going on. There is no shame in counceling and nothing to be afraid of, you are your own man and no one else is in control of your life but you (and God of course) so don't worry about what others think. Be encouraged bro. :)
 
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Godsgirl481

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Evie said:
wow,reading you girls posts made my eyes swell up. Just lost my nephew to this. Ya know even I get down and depressed but to talk suicide. Jesus just loves you guys and I know that you know that,but I guess it just bothers me to hear you talk that way. You say know one cares,He does. When you feel alone,He's there. I remember when I was in high school,I was a depressed teen I never fit in. I would always know that I would always be loved by God the creater of me. It always reassured me. Praying for each of you tonight:prayer:

Thank you, it just made me upset that there were posts here that pretty much said 'pick yourself up' and 'you are selfish for thinking this way'. I didn't want to make the thread about me, I just wanted to stand up for those who are in so much darkness right now. I know what that is like....and people need to be a little more thoughtful about where people are in their lives. I mysekf have been suicidal since I was about 8...I'll be 24 in April. Evenly maybe I will understand and accept that 'God loves me'......
 
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servant4ever

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doofus125 said:
Bro, have you considered counceling? We all have problems in life, some more than others, and others that can handle it better, but for those who can't there is help there. There are people who will listen to you and help you. If not counceling, what about your friends, talk to your friends, let them know what is going on. There is no shame in counceling and nothing to be afraid of, you are your own man and no one else is in control of your life but you (and God of course) so don't worry about what others think. Be encouraged bro. :)

uhm, I have been seeing a counselor.
 
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loves god

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Dyanm i also understand where you are coming from, suicide is no option.
However jesus taught us not to judge anyone but what they say or look like or how they come across.
We can never understand what a person is going through, i had to learn this the hard way. Some people were made fragile and unstable and thats just the way they are and they need help.
Have you never watched gothika.
The movie makes a good point.
The devil keeps on tormenting the inmates at a mental institution but the phychiatrists never believe them untill one day it happens to one of the phychiatrists and she lands up in the mental ward trying to kill herself.
Call me crazy but through my own personal experience, I know that the devil is able to bring on depression and suicidal thoughts to anyone no matter how strong they are.
If you cant accept that then you are full of pride.
One day i was fit, well built, healthy, sane and mentally stable with a good job and the next i was in a specialist mental ward on a 5 minute watch to make sure i didnt top it.
I didnt even want to die, i felt like something else was compelling me.
Jesus never condemmed anyone so neither should we without taking all aspects into account.
 
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chilibowl

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Why would you fear help?

I don't know your situation nor do I know you or your struggles... But if your truly in need of 24 hr monitored help then why do you write as if your fearing the thought of getting what you so desperately need?
Look at the alternatives Suicide, or a failed attempt... or even worse feeding a self inflicted cycle of psychosis leading to feelings of worthlessness paralyzing any effort of escape and true happiness...

What do you really want? Help... ....or attention?

I'm not saying this to be mean, but truly look at what you originally posted..
You said, you posted on your AIM about sucide... (That's a emedate call for attention, and for a quick response for help!)
Then, when help came, not in a form you desired (Getting reported to your consoler) You panicked.. either because you truly want to die, or because you didn't want this extreme level of help... and again if you truly truly need help with suicide then why not except that help?? If you wanted to die you surly have had plenty of opportunity since this was originally posted to do the deed.
So again ask yourself what do I want? Help with suicide? or attention.. If your goal is attention then there are many better ways of getting it! the whole suicide thing is just an easy way of making people take notice of you... You got to know that this is a poor substitute for true relationships.. Relationships that are earned not given out of pity or guilt. Brother if this is what you truly desire then put down this crutch and pick up your life, heart aches and all, and apply yourself with as much energy as you put into feeling sorry for yourself. And I assure you will be able to form a solid friendship. It will be extremely difficult at first to not force yourself into the middle of others lives,or make them shift there attention from what ever to you, but you have to practice restraint, and remember that healthy relationships can only work when both parties benefit from it.
Before I get alot of neg feedback on how insensitive I'm being (Hippies) This advise comes from my own life experience, and is meant to shake up not stir up a response.. 007 And yes I do know those deep dark places, and I'm fighting from being sucked into one right now!

Anyway good luck and god bless
 
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Bain_Adaneth

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Don't be scared, God has always been with you from the very beginning. He knows our hearts....You must find your walk with God, and your purpose in Life....it's okay to have weird stuff happen in our lives...but you know, this world will dissappear, but God will remain forever...look forward to your future with God....How can you spent eternity with God if you commit suicide? The thing I fear the most in life is to not spend eternity with Him.....He is the reason I'm here in the forums;)...lots of hugs to CF friends who are sad/scared/depressed.....
 
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