I'm in a bad spot* Trigger Warning - inappropriate content & Ministry Help Needed*

[anewman1993]

(warning: this is pretty raw...so...yea)

I just need to rant. I feel so freaking helpless. I have posted here about my struggle with inappropriate content. Well I made really good progress a while back. REALLY good progress, didn't look at it for 104 days. previously I was hardly able to go more than a couple days without inappropriate content or masturbation, I went 40 without masturbation as well. However I slipped up and looked at it, and when I did it was like all the progress I made vanished, suddenly I was having trouble going more than a few days without looking at it again. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I can do it, I DID do it. I made it 104 DAYS. Thats a long time for me ok. But I messed up and now I can't pull myself out of it.

I know ALL the reasons why I shouldn't look at it. During that time when I wasn't looking at it I was much happier, had more energy, enjoyed life more, was able to be more social, and most importantly was closer to god. Because I didn't have this constant sin I felt more empowered to talk about him with people, and in Bible studies to talk speak up about scripture as well. I started to view women in the right way, and was able to more easily talk to them as well. But When I slipped up all that vanished. No matter how much better I KNOW my life is without it, I keep subcumming to it, and not after weeks, after DAYS without it. I messed up earlier today. I looked at stuff, and kept stopping myself, in the middle of it. I was like "no, this is not what I need to be doing, close the web browser and go do something else" AND I DID. But inevitably I would end up back there eventually. I Finally got "finished" and feeling horrible went and took a shower. Got out of the shower, during which I prayed a bunch, and kicked myself a bunch as well, and not 10 minutes later was looking at the stuff again. Now, a little later, I'm sitting here and I'm fighting HARD to not go look at that stuff. But its not like I can go anywhere else, I'm stuck at home. I hate myself. One minute I can be on fire for God and 30 seconds later succumb to looking at inappropriate content, and then 30 minutes later be thinking about some deep spiritual thing, feeling super guilty, but still thinking about spiritual things. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I can do it and be free, but I keep CHOOSING to sin.

I'm not blind to the reasons I use inappropriate content, I use it to self medicate. I have a crappy life, I really do. I'm 22 years old and stuck living with my parents because of some health problems the doctors can't figure out, I can't hold a job (the little money I do make I make by doing stuff online), I can't do school in person AT ALL because of it. Everyone around me is graduating, or getting married, I can't even get a date, I can't even MEET women cause it so hard for me to go out. I would rather spend 10 minutes talking with a cute girl I'm interested in than all night watching inappropriate content. But finding a woman is hopeless. None of the women my age around me seem to be mature AT ALL, I'm not exactly mr maturity myself. I have NOTHING in common outside of god with the few women I AM around. I'm a nerdy metalhead. I have NOTHING in common with all the woman who pretty much are future soccer moms, and the most important things in their life are shopping, wearing nice clothing, and football. I have NOTHING in common with them. Even if I did, I STILL can't really meet them. With my health I can literally just vanish for a month. Most of the time its just a few days, but sometimes I can't leave my house for a month or so. It sucks, but its just how it is I can't do anything about it. I go to doctors but they can't figure it out, truthfully all my money is on a miracle at this point its the ONLY hope I have, for my health OR finding a woman. I don't have a lot of stuff I want in a woman, pretty much I'm looking for someone who loves god, has things in common with me, I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me, and has saved her self for marriage (I wish I could shake that one,but I can't, Ive saved myself, despite all my problems with inappropriate content, and I just can't let go of it. I couldn't marry someone who has sex with another man, which rules out 99% of the single women my age and the older I get the more and more impossible it is to find them. Maybe that makes my a hypocrite, but I just can't change it, Ive tried).

I use to inappropriate content to escape, from that feelings of loneliness, both romantically and Platonic. Its hard to make friends when I can hardly leave my house (especially during the summer).It feels like the woman I'm looking for (described above) doesn't exist AT ALL. My health situation isn't getting better, so I have to deal with getting sick all the time at best, pain and starvation at the worst. I can't work, so I feel like a bum, I have trouble focusing for school (probably because I'm a little malnourished but I can't really do anything about it without making me feel worse) which I can only do online, which means its taking even LONGER to get my bachelors degree. I'm tired of seeing all these people get married, I mean I'm seeing 2-6 wedding announcements/photo's/ect. A WEEK on facebook. Its ALL I hear about anymore. Someone is always getting married. You know what the BEST experience Ive had with a girl was? A girl I talked with for a month and a half, went on 2 dates with, who lead me on, was my first (and only) kiss, and then vanished cause another guy showed up. Thats the BEST its gotten for me in regards to actual real life women. There are only 3 things I actually want, like deeply want for myself. The first is to know god better hearing him clearer and pleasing him, the second is to get married(To the woman I described above), and the third is to be healed. Honestly, I'm not sure which of the later 2 I want more! I would give ANYTHING for those 3 things. I can work on Getting to know god better, myhealth Ive been working on for 5 years and its not really gotten better, Ive just gotten to manage it better (and thats iffy) and finding a wife? nope. I might as well be trying to fly by jumping off my bed over and over. Cause thats how hopless it feels.

Which brings to to this. I feel like a GIANT hypocrite. God called me to the ministry, to be a pastor. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO LEAD PEOPLE TO HIM<Staff Edit> I mean really. How! I keep falling and falling and falling. You know, outside of the whole inappropriate content thing, I'm doing REALLY good. I mean, when I wasn't looking at inappropriate content, I felt like I was actually walking as a man of god. Not in some prideful sense, but in a sense of I had grown closer to him, and was walking in the knowledge that I was pleasing him with my actions. But then I started doing this again and now I can't seem to stop and its sucking the life out of me. I feel like a giant hypocrite because its wrong, inappropriate content is wrong, sex outside marriage is wrong, yet I go watch inappropriate content <Staff Edit>.

You know what. How I made it as long as I did? well, there were 2 things. The first was I put a program on my computer that logs all the questionable sites I visit. basicly If I look at something I shouldn't it goes to a friend. Worked REALLY well until I messed up, at which point, for whatever reason, it stopped motivating me to not look at it.

The second thing, was taking a break because of my health from my degree and doing some classes through a bible college. I was getting feed HUGE amounts spiritually. I mean I was listening to 3-5 hours of sermons A DAY at times, if not much MUCH more. Thats on TOP of the books I was reading. However its just not plausible for me to be able to spend that much time in the word. I have my quiet time but not 3-7 HOURS of quite time and prayer a day. I could do more than I am. actually, it wasn't long after the semester ended that I first started slipping up and even THINKING about looking at that stuff. You know, I didn't even WANT to look at it, the thought of looking at inappropriate content disgusted me, and then I screwed up somehow and ended up back here where all I WANT to do is look at it.

/endrant.

 

[bottledwater]

(warning: this is pretty raw...so...yea)

I just need to rant. I feel so freaking helpless. I have posted here about my struggle with inappropriate content. Well I made really good progress a while back. REALLY good progress, didn't look at it for 104 days. previously I was hardly able to go more than a couple days without inappropriate content or masturbation, I went 40 without masturbation as well. However I slipped up and looked at it, and when I did it was like all the progress I made vanished, suddenly I was having trouble going more than a few days without looking at it again. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I can do it, I DID do it. I made it 104 DAYS. Thats a long time for me ok. But I messed up and now I can't pull myself out of it.

I know ALL the reasons why I shouldn't look at it. During that time when I wasn't looking at it I was much happier, had more energy, enjoyed life more, was able to be more social, and most importantly was closer to god. Because I didn't have this constant sin I felt more empowered to talk about him with people, and in Bible studies to talk speak up about scripture as well. I started to view women in the right way, and was able to more easily talk to them as well. But When I slipped up all that vanished. No matter how much better I KNOW my life is without it, I keep subcumming to it, and not after weeks, after DAYS without it. I messed up earlier today. I looked at stuff, and kept stopping myself, in the middle of it. I was like "no, this is not what I need to be doing, close the web browser and go do something else" AND I DID. But inevitably I would end up back there eventually. I Finally got "finished" and feeling horrible went and took a shower. Got out of the shower, during which I prayed a bunch, and kicked myself a bunch as well, and not 10 minutes later was looking at the stuff again. Now, a little later, I'm sitting here and I'm fighting HARD to not go look at that stuff. But its not like I can go anywhere else, I'm stuck at home. I hate myself. One minute I can be on fire for God and 30 seconds later succumb to looking at inappropriate content, and then 30 minutes later be thinking about some deep spiritual thing, feeling super guilty, but still thinking about spiritual things. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I can do it and be free, but I keep CHOOSING to sin.

I'm not blind to the reasons I use inappropriate content, I use it to self medicate. I have a crappy life, I really do. I'm 22 years old and stuck living with my parents because of some health problems the doctors can't figure out, I can't hold a job (the little money I do make I make by doing stuff online), I can't do school in person AT ALL because of it. Everyone around me is graduating, or getting married, I can't even get a date, I can't even MEET women cause it so hard for me to go out. I would rather spend 10 minutes talking with a cute girl I'm interested in than all night watching inappropriate content. But finding a woman is hopeless. None of the women my age around me seem to be mature AT ALL, I'm not exactly mr maturity myself. I have NOTHING in common outside of god with the few women I AM around. I'm a nerdy metalhead. I have NOTHING in common with all the woman who pretty much are future soccer moms, and the most important things in their life are shopping, wearing nice clothing, and football. I have NOTHING in common with them. Even if I did, I STILL can't really meet them. With my health I can literally just vanish for a month. Most of the time its just a few days, but sometimes I can't leave my house for a month or so. It sucks, but its just how it is I can't do anything about it. I go to doctors but they can't figure it out, truthfully all my money is on a miracle at this point its the ONLY hope I have, for my health OR finding a woman. I don't have a lot of stuff I want in a woman, pretty much I'm looking for someone who loves god, has things in common with me, I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me, and has saved her self for marriage (I wish I could shake that one,but I can't, Ive saved myself, despite all my problems with inappropriate content, and I just can't let go of it. I couldn't marry someone who has sex with another man, which rules out 99% of the single women my age and the older I get the more and more impossible it is to find them. Maybe that makes my a hypocrite, but I just can't change it, Ive tried).

I use to inappropriate content to escape, from that feelings of loneliness, both romantically and Platonic. Its hard to make friends when I can hardly leave my house (especially during the summer).It feels like the woman I'm looking for (described above) doesn't exist AT ALL. My health situation isn't getting better, so I have to deal with getting sick all the time at best, pain and starvation at the worst. I can't work, so I feel like a bum, I have trouble focusing for school (probably because I'm a little malnourished but I can't really do anything about it without making me feel worse) which I can only do online, which means its taking even LONGER to get my bachelors degree. I'm tired of seeing all these people get married, I mean I'm seeing 2-6 wedding announcements/photo's/ect. A WEEK on facebook. Its ALL I hear about anymore. Someone is always getting married. You know what the BEST experience Ive had with a girl was? A girl I talked with for a month and a half, went on 2 dates with, who lead me on, was my first (and only) kiss, and then vanished cause another guy showed up. Thats the BEST its gotten for me in regards to actual real life women. There are only 3 things I actually want, like deeply want for myself. The first is to know god better hearing him clearer and pleasing him, the second is to get married(To the woman I described above), and the third is to be healed. Honestly, I'm not sure which of the later 2 I want more! I would give ANYTHING for those 3 things. I can work on Getting to know god better, myhealth Ive been working on for 5 years and its not really gotten better, Ive just gotten to manage it better (and thats iffy) and finding a wife? nope. I might as well be trying to fly by jumping off my bed over and over. Cause thats how hopless it feels.

Which brings to to this. I feel like a GIANT hypocrite. God called me to the ministry, to be a pastor. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO LEAD PEOPLE TO HIM <Staff Edit> I mean really. How! I keep falling and falling and falling. You know, outside of the whole inappropriate content thing, I'm doing REALLY good. I mean, when I wasn't looking at inappropriate content, I felt like I was actually walking as a man of god. Not in some prideful sense, but in a sense of I had grown closer to him, and was walking in the knowledge that I was pleasing him with my actions. But then I started doing this again and now I can't seem to stop and its sucking the life out of me. I feel like a giant hypocrite because its wrong, inappropriate content is wrong, sex outside marriage is wrong, yet I go watch inappropriate content <Staff Edit>.

You know what. How I made it as long as I did? well, there were 2 things. The first was I put a program on my computer that logs all the questionable sites I visit. basicly If I look at something I shouldn't it goes to a friend. Worked REALLY well until I messed up, at which point, for whatever reason, it stopped motivating me to not look at it.

The second thing, was taking a break because of my health from my degree and doing some classes through a bible college. I was getting feed HUGE amounts spiritually. I mean I was listening to 3-5 hours of sermons A DAY at times, if not much MUCH more. Thats on TOP of the books I was reading. However its just not plausible for me to be able to spend that much time in the word. I have my quiet time but not 3-7 HOURS of quite time and prayer a day. I could do more than I am. actually, it wasn't long after the semester ended that I first started slipping up and even THINKING about looking at that stuff. You know, I didn't even WANT to look at it, the thought of looking at inappropriate content disgusted me, and then I screwed up somehow and ended up back here where all I WANT to do is look at it.

/endrant.

There are proper sites that can help you with this problem that you keep posting on.
It is obvious that this isn't working to get you the help you are looking for. Maybe talk to your doctor, and check out some sites that are dedicated to this particular problem.
Brother, if you are 22 and still living with your parents then it is going to be difficult to meet a girl that wants anything to do with settling down. A woman want security, and the privacy of her own home. You said so yourself that you have no money.
Why not work on finding out the root cause of you illness that has you trapped from doing anything, and working. Make this your goal, and then everything else will fall into place.
I can already tell from listening to you that you are depressed, and rightfully so. You don't feel like you are needed for anything constructive. That takes it's tole on you after a while.
Just sitting around with nothing to do, is a bad thing. I was off of work all week, and I am so bored. I spent endless hours on this site that is for certain.
Hopefully I leave to go back to work tomorrow night for Saturday start.
But, when I am working, I put in 18 hour days. Last week I started work at 4:45 am one morning, and I went until the next day at 7:30 am.
I was so busy, that my mind never thought about anything other than work, and the Lord.
You need this. There is something you can do for work. Even Helen Keller worked.
None of us are professional, in medicine or psychology/psychiatry. you need to get professional help. We can only love you as a member of the same body as the rest of us, and encourage you to seek out someone that can give you a solution, and any solution is going to start with knowledge of what your medical condition is. You know, the one you said that the doctors don't know what it is.
Anyhow, God Bless you and I hope that you seek out an answer in a place that is more suited to help you.

 

[anewman1993]

There are proper sites that can help you with this problem that you keep posting on.
It is obvious that this isn't working to get you the help you are looking for. Maybe talk to your doctor, and check out some sites that are dedicated to this particular problem.

I HAVE thats part of the frustration. 5+ years of doctors. Ive been to big name clinics all over the country. They litterally have NO IDEA whats going on. Ive tried everything possible and half a million things that ARN'T probably the cause but at this point I have to try EVERYTHING.

Brother, if you are 22 and still living with your parents then it is going to be difficult to meet a girl that wants anything to do with settling down. A woman want security, and the privacy of her own home. You said so yourself that you have no money.

Well I'm not looking to get married TOMORROW. But I really wish God would bring us together so I could at least start getting to know her. I mean Yea, I'm in a bad spot. Ive also done pretty much everything I can to make it better. But many days I'm simply unable to leave. I look healthy, i act healthy, but I feel like i'm going to puke/someone is stabbing me. I just can't go out those days, and on top of it I have a TON of fatigue. Like, You know how you feel after you have been REALLY sick, there is that period where you feel good enough you want to do stuff, and your bored, but your still sick enough that you CAN'T do anything because your so tired? thats the BEST I get. When I feel that good, thats when I'm going out to talk to people, meet people going to church, ect. I have a little money, but its not a ton. I can only make somewhere around 40-300 bucks a week. Its REALLY inconsistent. But its work, from my computer. So its better than nothing.

Why not work on finding out the root cause of you illness that has you trapped from doing anything, and working. Make this your goal, and then everything else will fall into place.

I HAVE. Trust me, I want to get better. There was a breif period my first year in college, where I was pretty much on my own. I lived in the dorms, worked a job, paid for my own food/phone/insurance and that kind of stuff. It was the best feeling in my life. Even though arguably that was one of the worst periods in my life (To make it to work I had to stop eating because eating=pain, I almost starved to death....and no, that not an exaggeration. Lost over 60LB in 2 weeks...its a REALLY good thing I was fat, lost over 120ish by the time it was all done (about a 2-3 month period).

I can already tell from listening to you that you are depressed, and rightfully so. You don't feel like you are needed for anything constructive. That takes it's tole on you after a while.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I went to a councler for a while, cause I kinda was. But honestly he was surprised I was doing as good as I was, and I was doing WAY worse then than I am now. WAY worse. Ive never been suicidal(since highschool, never told anyone but seriously had some issues in highschool) but logically, I probably SHOULD be, but I'm just not, its not an option.

Just sitting around with nothing to do, is a bad thing. I was off of work all week, and I am so bored. I spent endless hours on this site that is for certain.

Trust me, I KNOW. It took a couple weeks for me to get bored of video games and netflix. I'm a musician so I work on a lot of music stuff so I'm productive and have stuff to occupy me, but its only so much.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I sound like a raving lunitic, Keep in mind this was a RANT, I was venting. honestly, outside the issue with inappropriate content I'm a SOLID man. I mean, seriously, I don't like to talk about myself, but Ive got a good head on my shoulders and I love and I'll do the right thing almost no matter the cost (except when it comes to inappropriate content, WHY can I not shake that). Like I'll miss a meal, or 2, or 3 if it means just ONE guy who doesn't have food getting it, like DON'T CARE, Ive starved, I know what its like, I deeply empathize with those people. Truthfully I don't really fit with people my age, never really did, but it only became exagerated after all the stuff I went through. I just want to follow God. He called me into the ministry, and I answered. I don't know WHY he called me,but he did, so what am I going to do, ignore God?

I really try to treat people right, not judge people, and just do the right thing. Not by the worlds standards, but Gods. I obviously fail a LOT, a whole lot, and I never forget what God has done for me, I think of the cross every day. I felt so much closer to god, when I wasn't looking at inappropriate content, when I was free of it. I felt like I could stand and discuss his word with people better, because I wasn't wracked with guilt and shame. Its this one thing. I'm not saying I don't have other sins, I'm sure I do, but this is the only habitual sin. this is the one thing, that if I could just eliminate, my life would improve, or at least it would as much as it can with my health the way it is.

My biggest pain though, is lonliness. I mean, I told you I starved, I would go back to that nearly starved to death state IN AN INSTANT if it meant in the process finding the woman I'm going to marry. God made (most) of us to be married, singliness is the exception not the rule. I'm not going to feel guilty for desiring a wife. I can't control the fact that I'm sick, that I have health issues, or that I struggle to leave my house, but what I CAN do. I can make sure I'm the type of man she would feel lucky to marry anyway, despite all the problems, and I would never marry someone if I couldn't find a way to work. there is nothing wrong with a woman being the bread winner, but for me, I would feel very bad if I couldn't work and she was bringing in ALL the bread so to speak. I'm trying to trust god. If he called me to the ministry,then that means its his job to make sure I can leave my house to speak to others. He called me specifically to be a pastor. I can't do that if I can't leave my house. Firstly I got to get to seminary. So there is that. But its VERY depressing, because I'm very aware that at first glance, no woman would want to date me. I just have to hope god brings us together and tells her to take a closer look.

 

[bottledwater]

(warning: this is pretty raw...so...yea)

I just need to rant. I feel so freaking helpless. I have posted here about my struggle with inappropriate content. Well I made really good progress a while back. REALLY good progress, didn't look at it for 104 days. previously I was hardly able to go more than a couple days without inappropriate content or masturbation, I went 40 without masturbation as well. However I slipped up and looked at it, and when I did it was like all the progress I made vanished, suddenly I was having trouble going more than a few days without looking at it again. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I can do it, I DID do it. I made it 104 DAYS. Thats a long time for me ok. But I messed up and now I can't pull myself out of it.

I know ALL the reasons why I shouldn't look at it. During that time when I wasn't looking at it I was much happier, had more energy, enjoyed life more, was able to be more social, and most importantly was closer to god. Because I didn't have this constant sin I felt more empowered to talk about him with people, and in Bible studies to talk speak up about scripture as well. I started to view women in the right way, and was able to more easily talk to them as well. But When I slipped up all that vanished. No matter how much better I KNOW my life is without it, I keep subcumming to it, and not after weeks, after DAYS without it. I messed up earlier today. I looked at stuff, and kept stopping myself, in the middle of it. I was like "no, this is not what I need to be doing, close the web browser and go do something else" AND I DID. But inevitably I would end up back there eventually. I Finally got "finished" and feeling horrible went and took a shower. Got out of the shower, during which I prayed a bunch, and kicked myself a bunch as well, and not 10 minutes later was looking at the stuff again. Now, a little later, I'm sitting here and I'm fighting HARD to not go look at that stuff. But its not like I can go anywhere else, I'm stuck at home. I hate myself. One minute I can be on fire for God and 30 seconds later succumb to looking at inappropriate content, and then 30 minutes later be thinking about some deep spiritual thing, feeling super guilty, but still thinking about spiritual things. It makes me so angry, because I KNOW I can do it and be free, but I keep CHOOSING to sin.

I'm not blind to the reasons I use inappropriate content, I use it to self medicate. I have a crappy life, I really do. I'm 22 years old and stuck living with my parents because of some health problems the doctors can't figure out, I can't hold a job (the little money I do make I make by doing stuff online), I can't do school in person AT ALL because of it. Everyone around me is graduating, or getting married, I can't even get a date, I can't even MEET women cause it so hard for me to go out. I would rather spend 10 minutes talking with a cute girl I'm interested in than all night watching inappropriate content. But finding a woman is hopeless. None of the women my age around me seem to be mature AT ALL, I'm not exactly mr maturity myself. I have NOTHING in common outside of god with the few women I AM around. I'm a nerdy metalhead. I have NOTHING in common with all the woman who pretty much are future soccer moms, and the most important things in their life are shopping, wearing nice clothing, and football. I have NOTHING in common with them. Even if I did, I STILL can't really meet them. With my health I can literally just vanish for a month. Most of the time its just a few days, but sometimes I can't leave my house for a month or so. It sucks, but its just how it is I can't do anything about it. I go to doctors but they can't figure it out, truthfully all my money is on a miracle at this point its the ONLY hope I have, for my health OR finding a woman. I don't have a lot of stuff I want in a woman, pretty much I'm looking for someone who loves god, has things in common with me, I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me, and has saved her self for marriage (I wish I could shake that one,but I can't, Ive saved myself, despite all my problems with inappropriate content, and I just can't let go of it. I couldn't marry someone who has sex with another man, which rules out 99% of the single women my age and the older I get the more and more impossible it is to find them. Maybe that makes my a hypocrite, but I just can't change it, Ive tried).

I use to inappropriate content to escape, from that feelings of loneliness, both romantically and Platonic. Its hard to make friends when I can hardly leave my house (especially during the summer).It feels like the woman I'm looking for (described above) doesn't exist AT ALL. My health situation isn't getting better, so I have to deal with getting sick all the time at best, pain and starvation at the worst. I can't work, so I feel like a bum, I have trouble focusing for school (probably because I'm a little malnourished but I can't really do anything about it without making me feel worse) which I can only do online, which means its taking even LONGER to get my bachelors degree. I'm tired of seeing all these people get married, I mean I'm seeing 2-6 wedding announcements/photo's/ect. A WEEK on facebook. Its ALL I hear about anymore. Someone is always getting married. You know what the BEST experience Ive had with a girl was? A girl I talked with for a month and a half, went on 2 dates with, who lead me on, was my first (and only) kiss, and then vanished cause another guy showed up. Thats the BEST its gotten for me in regards to actual real life women. There are only 3 things I actually want, like deeply want for myself. The first is to know god better hearing him clearer and pleasing him, the second is to get married(To the woman I described above), and the third is to be healed. Honestly, I'm not sure which of the later 2 I want more! I would give ANYTHING for those 3 things. I can work on Getting to know god better, myhealth Ive been working on for 5 years and its not really gotten better, Ive just gotten to manage it better (and thats iffy) and finding a wife? nope. I might as well be trying to fly by jumping off my bed over and over. Cause thats how hopless it feels.

Which brings to to this. I feel like a GIANT hypocrite. God called me to the ministry, to be a pastor. HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO LEAD PEOPLE TO HIM IF I CAN'T LEAD MY HAND AWAY FROM MY PANTS! I mean really. How! I keep falling and falling and falling. You know, outside of the whole inappropriate content thing, I'm doing REALLY good. I mean, when I wasn't looking at inappropriate content, I felt like I was actually walking as a man of god. Not in some prideful sense, but in a sense of I had grown closer to him, and was walking in the knowledge that I was pleasing him with my actions. But then I started doing this again and now I can't seem to stop and its sucking the life out of me. I feel like a giant hypocrite because its wrong, inappropriate content is wrong, sex outside marriage is wrong, yet I go watch inappropriate content effectively I'm supporting those things. Guys like me who watch that stuff are the reason women can do it for money.

You know what. How I made it as long as I did? well, there were 2 things. The first was I put a program on my computer that logs all the questionable sites I visit. basicly If I look at something I shouldn't it goes to a friend. Worked REALLY well until I messed up, at which point, for whatever reason, it stopped motivating me to not look at it.

The second thing, was taking a break because of my health from my degree and doing some classes through a bible college. I was getting feed HUGE amounts spiritually. I mean I was listening to 3-5 hours of sermons A DAY at times, if not much MUCH more. Thats on TOP of the books I was reading. However its just not plausible for me to be able to spend that much time in the word. I have my quiet time but not 3-7 HOURS of quite time and prayer a day. I could do more than I am. actually, it wasn't long after the semester ended that I first started slipping up and even THINKING about looking at that stuff. You know, I didn't even WANT to look at it, the thought of looking at inappropriate content disgusted me, and then I screwed up somehow and ended up back here where all I WANT to do is look at it.

/endrant.

I just wanna add this. If you can do that three times in one day, like it says you did today. There is no reason that you cannot get out of the house and get a job doing anything.
Go to McDonald's, or any fast food place, or if standing isn't your thing, then go to a self serve gas station, and sit inside as a cashier.
Nick Vujicic has no limbs at all, and he has a house in LA, and he just married a hot looking girl.
If he can get out of the house every day and work to make a living, then what is so wrong with you that you can't?
Helen Keller was deaf, blind and mute, and she worked to support herself.
The thing is see is that all of these people never saw themselves as sick, or handicapped. They just did what they could.
That is the ticket right there. Do what you can. But, do not remain idle.
I hope this helped you, as you gotta do something other than what you are doing on here. It hasn't worked in the past, it isn't working now, it's not ever going to work.
Please go watch life without limbs with Nick Vujicic.. he and his hot wife just had a baby. To think that this guy has no arms, hands or legs and feet. He has a little flipper foot.
He swims, surfs, golfs, uses a scooter, plays with his dog. there are no limits to what he can do.
One thing I have noticed is that there are limits to what he "can't" do. He is my inspiration. I added a link, to his site, and the second link is a youtube of nick, at home. He is awesome.. Funny how he has no limbs and even though I am so much taller than him. I still have to look up at him.

http://www.lifewithoutlimbs.org/

This video should change your life. it did mine, years ago when I first saw it. I teared up.

 

[anewman1993]

I just wanna add this. If you can do that three times in one day, like it says you did today. There is no reason that you cannot get out of the house and get a job doing anything.
Go to McDonald's, or any fast food place, or if standing isn't your thing, then go to a self serve gas station, and sit inside as a cashier.
Nick Vujicic has no limbs at all, and he has a house in LA, and he just married a hot looking girl.
If he can get out of the house every day and work to make a living, then what is so wrong with you that you can't?
Helen Keller was deaf, blind and mute, and she worked to support herself.
The thing is see is that all of these people never saw themselves as sick, or handicapped. They just did what they could.
That is the ticket right there. Do what you can. But, do not remain idle.
I hope this helped you, as you gotta do something other than what you are doing on here. It hasn't worked in the past, it isn't working now, it's not ever going to work.
Please go watch life without limbs with Nick Vujicic.. he and his hot wife just had a baby. To think that this guy has no arms, hands or legs and feet. He has a little flipper foot.
He swims, surfs, golfs, uses a scooter, plays with his dog. there are no limits to what he can do.
One thing I have noticed is that there are limits to what he "can't" do. He is my inspiration. I added a link, to his site, and the second link is a youtube of nick, at home. He is awesome.. Funny how he has no limbs and even though I am so much taller than him. I still have to look up at him.

Well, the reason I can't work is I can't be consistent. Ok, so for example, I might have a few weeks where I do better. I go out and hang out with one of the few friends Ive managed to keep, or if I'm feeling especially good, I might even go skateboard. However, I don't know when those days are. There was a period earlier this year where I literally could not leave my house for over 40 days(minus 2 doctor visits, which don't really count). I would TRY to leave, I would get in my car, but I was already feeling bad and queasy and when I got in the car to drive somewhere it would make me feel so bad that I literally had to stop the car for a few minutes, then turn around and come home, because I was driving with a garbage bag in my hand because I felt like I was going to puke, I still tried, but for 40 days couldn't make it more than a couple minutes away from my house (you better believe I praised God when I finally made it to church). The problem is I don't know when I'm going to be like that. I might feel fine for a week, and then have a day where I walking around with a garbage bag all day, and thats if I'm LUCKY. If I'm unluckly I'm in so much pain that I almost pass out, have cold sweats, and after it passes I just collapse because I feel like Ive just been hit by a truck, sometimes thats pain is so violent that I fall and literally cannot get up (its some weird stomach pain), and after an attack like that I'll have a bunch of little attacks for a few days that keep my pretty close to a bathroom. I can't work in those conditions. My last job was super flexiable. I had to drive a good bit, but I had a 2 week period to get the work done in. As long as it got done in those 2 weeks I was good, It was about 10-16 hours worth of work if you include the driving (though sometimes less). I couldn't do it. Thats why I had to quit. I could not do the work because I was sick so often I couldn't manage one day to drive out to those stores.

I can't make it to ANYTHING consistently. Trust me, Ive tried. Its hard to build relationships at a church when you miss, but I can't help it, its out of my hands. I did the whole "I'm not going to let this thing run my life" thing for years, truth is, all it did was waste my energy on a loosing battle. I have to pick, when is it worth fighting to get out and about, its ALWAYS a fight, and if I fight to go to every little thing I become so exhausted that after a few weeks I won't be able to go to ANYTHING cause I'm so tired.

I try to keep myself busy, I know it doesn't sound like a lot to say I work on music. But I spent 4 years majoring in music, when I say I write music, I mean I WRITE MUSIC. Not just "songs", but "formal" compositions, chamber music, ect. I cant really do anything with it, but I write it. I also have a semi studio set up at home, so I record and produce some of my own stuff as well.

 

[bottledwater]

I HAVE thats part of the frustration. 5+ years of doctors. Ive been to big name clinics all over the country. They litterally have NO IDEA whats going on. Ive tried everything possible and half a million things that ARN'T probably the cause but at this point I have to try EVERYTHING.




Well I'm not looking to get married TOMORROW. But I really wish God would bring us together so I could at least start getting to know her. I mean Yea, I'm in a bad spot. Ive also done pretty much everything I can to make it better. But many days I'm simply unable to leave. I look healthy, i act healthy, but I feel like i'm going to puke/someone is stabbing me. I just can't go out those days, and on top of it I have a TON of fatigue. Like, You know how you feel after you have been REALLY sick, there is that period where you feel good enough you want to do stuff, and your bored, but your still sick enough that you CAN'T do anything because your so tired? thats the BEST I get. When I feel that good, thats when I'm going out to talk to people, meet people going to church, ect. I have a little money, but its not a ton. I can only make somewhere around 40-300 bucks a week. Its REALLY inconsistent. But its work, from my computer. So its better than nothing.





I HAVE. Trust me, I want to get better. There was a breif period my first year in college, where I was pretty much on my own. I lived in the dorms, worked a job, paid for my own food/phone/insurance and that kind of stuff. It was the best feeling in my life. Even though arguably that was one of the worst periods in my life (To make it to work I had to stop eating because eating=pain, I almost starved to death....and no, that not an exaggeration. Lost over 60LB in 2 weeks...its a REALLY good thing I was fat, lost over 120ish by the time it was all done (about a 2-3 month period).




I wouldn't say I'm depressed. I went to a councler for a while, cause I kinda was. But honestly he was surprised I was doing as good as I was, and I was doing WAY worse then than I am now. WAY worse. Ive never been suicidal(since highschool, never told anyone but seriously had some issues in highschool) but logically, I probably SHOULD be, but I'm just not, its not an option.



Trust me, I KNOW. It took a couple weeks for me to get bored of video games and netflix. I'm a musician so I work on a lot of music stuff so I'm productive and have stuff to occupy me, but its only so much.


---------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I sound like a raving lunitic, Keep in mind this was a RANT, I was venting. honestly, outside the issue with inappropriate content I'm a SOLID man. I mean, seriously, I don't like to talk about myself, but Ive got a good head on my shoulders and I love and I'll do the right thing almost no matter the cost (except when it comes to inappropriate content, WHY can I not shake that). Like I'll miss a meal, or 2, or 3 if it means just ONE guy who doesn't have food getting it, like DON'T CARE, Ive starved, I know what its like, I deeply empathize with those people. Truthfully I don't really fit with people my age, never really did, but it only became exagerated after all the stuff I went through. I just want to follow God. He called me into the ministry, and I answered. I don't know WHY he called me,but he did, so what am I going to do, ignore God?

I really try to treat people right, not judge people, and just do the right thing. Not by the worlds standards, but Gods. I obviously fail a LOT, a whole lot, and I never forget what God has done for me, I think of the cross every day. I felt so much closer to god, when I wasn't looking at inappropriate content, when I was free of it. I felt like I could stand and discuss his word with people better, because I wasn't wracked with guilt and shame. Its this one thing. I'm not saying I don't have other sins, I'm sure I do, but this is the only habitual sin. this is the one thing, that if I could just eliminate, my life would improve, or at least it would as much as it can with my health the way it is.

My biggest pain though, is lonliness. I mean, I told you I starved, I would go back to that nearly starved to death state IN AN INSTANT if it meant in the process finding the woman I'm going to marry. God made (most) of us to be married, singliness is the exception not the rule. I'm not going to feel guilty for desiring a wife. I can't control the fact that I'm sick, that I have health issues, or that I struggle to leave my house, but what I CAN do. I can make sure I'm the type of man she would feel lucky to marry anyway, despite all the problems, and I would never marry someone if I couldn't find a way to work. there is nothing wrong with a woman being the bread winner, but for me, I would feel very bad if I couldn't work and she was bringing in ALL the bread so to speak. I'm trying to trust god. If he called me to the ministry,then that means its his job to make sure I can leave my house to speak to others. He called me specifically to be a pastor. I can't do that if I can't leave my house. Firstly I got to get to seminary. So there is that. But its VERY depressing, because I'm very aware that at first glance, no woman would want to date me. I just have to hope god brings us together and tells her to take a closer look.

I don't think you sound like a raving lunatic. You sound like you are concerned, even a bit confused.
I wanna say about the lonliness. I have been single, and I mean snot even kissed a girl, or touched one, other than mother and sisters, for 5 or maybe even 6 years. I gotta say, that I couldn't be with one now, because it is so easy being on my own. I actually plan on spending my life just being alone doing the things I want to do, and maybe get a dog when I retire. I even go camping on my own, and sailing.
I travel for work so I am pretty much alone 95 percent of the time, and honestly. I wouldn't have it any other way.
I had a couple of local girls let me know how they felt about me, and I have a standing rule that they have to be christian. But, I thought they were both hot.. But, looks are no longer enough for me.
Brother, I used to get at God to find me someone. Now, i want to be left alone.
You will get that way eventually.
It really is a great place to be.
As far as the temptation that you fall into. You are not unique in that sense, and God loves you. he knew fully when He called you that this was going to be an area of your life that was going to need some work.
Don't beat yourself up over it.
I fall into this trap sometimes. I think most people do.
Jesus loves you regardless of anything you do.
If He wanted you to be spotless and pure, before he called you, then he would have done something about it.. Oh wait.... he did. he paid it all, so that we can come to Him, even though we are like filthy rags.. He doesn't see us like that.
Try not thinking about it, and when you do. Just do what you gotta do and move on. Don't make it such a big downer each time, because that just gives it a stage.
Leave it a small matter. Like if you knocked over a glass of milk. Oops it happened. Clean up the mess and move on with the rest of your day.
I'm older than you so I don't have the racing hormones that you are dealing with at 22.
I do remember what that was like. But, I was pretty popular with the girls at that age. Only because I was in the Navy, and girls really do like a man in uniform.

I just wanna say one more thing that may help you.. You already know this, but it is sometimes easy to forget.
So, we have the Holy Spirit living inside of us, and he is the same God that created everything, including you. He is All Power, and knows everything about you. All about your cells, you mind, everything. He has the power to stop this. He has the power to cure you. He is the only one that makes any final decision when it comes to anything in or outside the universe that He created, and sustains. You need to trust that He will see you thru to the finish regardless. He will.
The God that we kneel before in prayer, is living inside of you Anewman. You aren't just some chump with a problem. You are an adopted son of the Most High, and he will give you anything you ask, if you believe that he will. You have unhindered access to the Most High. What are you going to do about that?
I love you brother, and I know we had words over a post here and another there, and so on. That is what life is when we share ourselves with others. But, I do feel your pain, and I just want you to know that I do love you, and more importantly, Jesus loves you and is right there with you. Inside of you, and all you gotta do, is let go of the reigns and give yourself over to Him completely.. Surrender right there on the floor, and tell Him that it is high time that He take the reigns because He is your master and therefore responsible for you.
Always remember that God lives inside of you brother. You are no longer an empty casket. You are alive and full of Power.
Something to think about...
Please go see that youtube. it will blow you away.. it did me.

 

[bottledwater]

Well, the reason I can't work is I can't be consistent. Ok, so for example, I might have a few weeks where I do better. I go out and hang out with one of the few friends Ive managed to keep, or if I'm feeling especially good, I might even go skateboard. However, I don't know when those days are. There was a period earlier this year where I literally could not leave my house for over 40 days(minus 2 doctor visits, which don't really count). I would TRY to leave, I would get in my car, but I was already feeling bad and queasy and when I got in the car to drive somewhere it would make me feel so bad that I literally had to stop the car for a few minutes, then turn around and come home, because I was driving with a garbage bag in my hand because I felt like I was going to puke, I still tried, but for 40 days couldn't make it more than a couple minutes away from my house (you better believe I praised God when I finally made it to church). The problem is I don't know when I'm going to be like that. I might feel fine for a week, and then have a day where I walking around with a garbage bag all day, and thats if I'm LUCKY. If I'm unluckly I'm in so much pain that I almost pass out, have cold sweats, and after it passes I just collapse because I feel like Ive just been hit by a truck, sometimes thats pain is so violent that I fall and literally cannot get up (its some weird stomach pain), and after an attack like that I'll have a bunch of little attacks for a few days that keep my pretty close to a bathroom. I can't work in those conditions. My last job was super flexiable. I had to drive a good bit, but I had a 2 week period to get the work done in. As long as it got done in those 2 weeks I was good, It was about 10-16 hours worth of work if you include the driving (though sometimes less). I couldn't do it. Thats why I had to quit. I could not do the work because I was sick so often I couldn't manage one day to drive out to those stores.

I can't make it to ANYTHING consistently. Trust me, Ive tried. Its hard to build relationships at a church when you miss, but I can't help it, its out of my hands. I did the whole "I'm not going to let this thing run my life" thing for years, truth is, all it did was waste my energy on a loosing battle. I have to pick, when is it worth fighting to get out and about, its ALWAYS a fight, and if I fight to go to every little thing I become so exhausted that after a few weeks I won't be able to go to ANYTHING cause I'm so tired.

I try to keep myself busy, I know it doesn't sound like a lot to say I work on music. But I spent 4 years majoring in music, when I say I write music, I mean I WRITE MUSIC. Not just "songs", but "formal" compositions, chamber music, ect. I cant really do anything with it, but I write it. I also have a semi studio set up at home, so I record and produce some of my own stuff as well.

have you thought about maybe teaching music at your home or theirs, for a few hours a week. It would be flexible, and fit in with your inconsistency problem.

 

[bottledwater]

have you thought about maybe teaching music at your home or theirs, for a few hours a week. It would be flexible, and fit in with your inconsistency problem.

Also, I was thinking that God left Paul with a thorn in his side to keep him from becoming prideful. Something to think about.

I know this much. before you were saved the things that you are doing now that bother you, didn't then.
So you are progressing. Sometimes we want immediate change and that just isn't the way God operates. he allows us time to transition into our new found faith, as He renews our minds continually.
Like God sees the finished you, and He is pleased to be patient and let it happen gradually.
In the end if you were to die tonight or 50 years from now, you are still a new creation in Christ Jesus, and God sees you in His righteousness. He does not see or ever remember any of the sins that you commit.
You know this, so I am just reminding you.

I have been a christian for 25 years, and that isn't including the time before when I was a kid. Every now and then, I seem to start right from scratch, taking in new knowledge, and my mind is different in every way than it was before.
It has only been about 3 years since I started telling everyone that I love them. At first it felt weird for me, and I cannot begin to imagine how awkward it was for the other person. Now. i tell everyone I love them, and it feels natural, and I genuinely care about them. It wasn't like that at first.
You should see people's expressions when I say it to them downtown, or in Walmart or something. I mean they squirm, and fidget. They just wanna bail. lol. lol.. But, I don't let them. lol.. In the end, they know that I love them, and they know that it is Christ in me that makes me that way. Although the part of me that likes to see them squirm, is all me, I am sure.. lol.
Say, I have monopolized your thread up until now. I just wanna say that I am going to let some others advise you more on this, and I am going to finish my tea and get to bed. Again, God bless you, and don't be so hard on yourself.
Night Brother

 

[Quasicentennial]

Faith in Jesus, trust in your parents for bringing you into this world and thanking them quietly to yourself for not being affected like those who are mentally disabled through some genetic disorder - so that you can experience life's problems, life's accomplishments such as completing your task at work and getting paid as in next week's pay; and life's battles or challenges such as brushing aside all emotionally destructive words, like depression and anxiety, particularly after a serious crisis like a devastating flood where all your life's hard work in getting that new house, car and possessions - gone in flash and you want to fiercely wring the weather's neck for being a trash wrecking ball on humanity:.
inappropriate content is one of Satan's deceiving love potion that definitely affects me as an alternative to man-made stimulating sex drugs, where inappropriate content stimulates the brain's hormonal reaction to sexually active feelings through masturbation if you are alone, or intimacy with a married partner. I have remained celibate since reaching adulthood in my early 20s and I would be dishonest if I told anyone that masturbation is taboo - taboo in a sense that it really shouldn't be told at all and that masturbation is as natural a habit as going to the toilet:.
Masturbation, Christian-wise, is totally a sin and Jesus has died for our sins so that we can learn and become disciplined Christians as Jesus forever dwells in us, and even if Satan thinks that masturbation would destroy our chances for salvation, I believe Jesus is deceiving poor Satan back into thinking that would happen:.
Christ's Second Coming future victory return will ensure that we will have new genius-intelligent minds and measure-perfect bodies of Christ, while being so sinlessly perfect together with Christ's abundance of peace and joy, sexual hunger that 'cum and go' will no longer be needed, once you realize how Jesus can be wifeless and super-confident, especially when he will reign on a new disaster-free paradise Earth for our permanent peace and harmony as new brothers and sisters of Christ, so spiritually united as one union with Christ Jesus.;'*';.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

If you want to block someone click their profile. Then near the top it will say "Ignore". Click it and it will block you from being able to see their posts. Its a great feature! The problem with some people is they don't know how to give friendly advice. I mean we all get frustrated sometimes with people, but if someone chooses to respond in a "I'm better then you!" and talk about your sin, they fail to see they are sinning by causing their brother to sin because he is getting angry with what is said.

 

[God's Child]

This thread has been moved from Christian Advice to
the Baptist forum.

MOD HAT OFF​

 

[JM]

This is a very serious issue. If your not a member of a local Gospel preaching church, find one. Speak with the Elders and submit to their council.

Yours in the Lord,

jm

 

[JM]

...

 

[anewman1993]

This is a very serious issue. If your not a member of a local Gospel preaching church, find one. Speak with the Elders and submit to their council.

Yours in the Lord,

jm

Hey man, thanks. My church status is....weird. Basically Ive spent a long time trying to find a church(a year or 2), and Ive kept feeling god leading me away from the churches Ive been to. Well, in the last few months Ive been visiting a new church and last week had a chance to sit down with the pastor and I'm pretty sure I'm going to join there. His preaching style drives me up the wall, be the content is solid, and I feel like they are really trying to be lead by god.

That said, Ive been involved with a christian community on campus that frankly has been better than most of the churches Ive visited....or all of them. Very real, and open, about struggles and stuff. Also I have a friend who is a youth minster, when I felt called to ministry I went to him about it,but also I kinda told him flat out "this problem needs to be fixed if I'm ever to do anything worthwhile for the kingdom", and put an accountability program on my computer. Which worked REALLY REALLY REALLY well for 104 days. Then I screwed up, and after that, well, I haven't been able to pull myself out of it. I know I CAN but I keep consistently making bad decisions, and then looking at myself in the mirror and going "WHY DID I DO THAT, I HATE inappropriate content, I HATE IT, ITS HORRIBLE, WHY WOULD I WATCH IT".

Last semester I took a break from college because of some health problems and to figure some stuff out, and in the meantime took some classes online from a bible college. It was REALLY good, and I was getting probably 3-5 hours of sermons A DAY. I was growing closer to god, hearing him speak to me MUCH better, and it was just GOOD. Now, I just feel wrapped up in guilt, like I don't have the "boldness" (I hate that word, cause of the thought that I'm "bold" by standing on a table or something, which I'm not, but I'm able to speak more confidently about the word of god). I feel horrible, because I'll screw up, and then afterwords get on reddit or something and have a reply to something I posted in a christian forum. I want to answer it because I don't want to forget about it but I feel like SUCH a hypocrite about talking about god, "right and wrong" and his love and stuff, when I just dragged all that through the mud by looking at inappropriate content.

It doesn't help that I"m going through a REALLY hard time right now, thats no excuse, but it is frustrating. I'm 22 years old, and my health problems are ruining my life. I won't go into it, but I look healthy, but have trouble leaving my house some (or most) days and the doctors have no idea whats up. It wrecks everything. I'm watching everyone I know (which to be honest isn't that many people) graduate, get married, and be independent. while I'm unable to hold a job, go to school in person, and can't MEET women, much less date anyone, and am seriously scared to death that all the good woman will be taken by the time I CAN date (if that ever comes) because they are all getting married. Obviously I'm not in a place where I can date right now, but I wish I was. Then there is the whole struggle with how do I find a way to serve god in my position, how do I function, how can I move off to go to seminary when I finally finish my degree (which is taking WAY to long). All thats just eating away at me. I give it to god, but it keeps coming back. Ive been through a lot, but honestly the lonliness is worse than anything I can remember, its worse than almost starving to death (lost 60lb in 2 weeks, 120ish in 2-3 months). The helplessness, and if I'm going to be really REALLY honest, God doesn't seem to want to help me, at all. No releif from ANY of it, the health problems, the loneliness, the disconnect from a community (which stems from my health problems since I can't really get it out). My prayers have become stagnate. I use to be able to pray for 45 minutes to an hour, no problem, not even realizing the time had gone by. Now I struggle to pray for 10 minutes. I simply don't know what to say. I pray for my friend or people I know, I pray for the pastors I know, I pray for my town, my family, I pray that he would show himself to a friend who is backsliding, I pray for pretty much anyone who will come into my head. I thank him that at least I'm not dead and have parents able to help me survive during this ordeal. Of course I ask that he would make himself more known to me, heal me, and bring me and the woman I'm going to marry together keeping us pure for each other (or at least as much as I can, with having the problem with inappropriate content Ive had). But to be honest, Ive elaborated so much on those things that at this point, its just running down the list. Then I just SIT there, hoping he will just come be with me or comfort me. OR at least tell me what to do. you know, if god came and told me that tomorrow some people were going to beat me and leave me by the side of the road, if I said I was a christian. I wouldn't bat an eye, but this constant hell I'm in, its driving me mad.

 

[JM]

In a moment of strength and fury call your net provider and cancel your service, burn your mags and get out of the house. Call a Christian friend you can confide in and start making moves to change the pattern you have fallen into.
Yours in the Lord,
jm

 

[anewman1993]

In a moment of strength and fury call your net provider and cancel your service, burn your mags and get out of the house. Call a Christian friend you can confide in and start making moves to change the pattern you have fallen into.
Yours in the Lord,
jm

I live with my parents, and currently canceling my internet isn't an option. I have a bunch of health problems, I make what little money I can online, maybe hundred bucks a week. Not a lot, but its better than making NO money. I also take classes online. So I can't cancel my internet.

I can however put more people on that accountability program, I just need to find someone I can trust.

Like I said, its hard to get out of the house, because most of the time I feel sick, to sick to leave :/

 

[JM]

Take it to the CHURCH!

 

[anewman1993]

Take it to the CHURCH!

What do you mean? Take it to church?

 

[SaintJoeNow]

Does "trigger warning" mean you are saying sexually provocative things which are not holy or might encourage unholy thoughts? Does it mean you are struggling with unholy thoughts and asking others to engage in them with you to discuss them? inappropriate content is always wrong. To me, "trigger warning" implies a compromised stand on the issue. God does not compromise to allow for sin in any way, in any word, thought, or imagination or deed. inappropriate content is evil. Always evil. I will never discuss it in a way which requires a "trigger warning". The only "trigger warning" needed for inappropriate content is that if I find anybody watching it in my house, the device or papers used become target practice on the spot. No discussion needed, just get rid of it, and get it out of your head.

 

[SaintJoeNow]

If you are struggling with inappropriate content, you are not qualified for ministry. You need to deal with those issues first. It may have demonic roots. Whatever the roots, it needs to be dealt with. If you are in ministry, you should recuse yourself until you deal with and get victory in this area. If you are intending to enter ministry, that's good but it should be put on hold at least until God gives you victory in this area and probably until after a period of growth after you have gained victory.