ignorant family members

[PegMonkey]

how do I explain to extended family members about my BPD? They think I am just immature, screwed up or just have bad behavior. people think i can just 'stop' acting a certain way, as if im just purposing behaving that way to hurt others and be destructive. How do i avoid getting hurt by all the judgments, and condemnation by ignorant people.and another thing is that people can't find a balance between accomadating me and saying "suck it up buttercup", they are either one or the other, how do i teach them to love me in a balanced way?
I dont want to be babied, but people can be so insensitive.

 

[WalrusGumBoot]

Buy them each a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I am not a BPD sufferer, but it completely changed the way I relate to my wife, who has BPD.

 

[madison1101]

You can either accept their judgement, or educate them with the book suggested previously.

But, my own therapist agrees with everything your family members have said. I chose to act out. I had choices, but chose to act out and hurt family members, and manipulate. I had to learn not to make those choices. I was not possessed by some humonculous, some strange power I had no control over.

Trish

 

[Joanne P]

How do i avoid getting hurt by all the judgments, and condemnation by ignorant people.and another thing is that people can't find a balance between accomadating me and saying "suck it up buttercup", they are either one or the other, how do i teach them to love me in a balanced way?
I dont want to be babied, but people can be so insensitive.

I completely get what you mean, PegMonkey. I hate when my feelings get out of control. As soon as I begin to lose my emotional balance, I begin judging myself.... the very last thing I need is when others jump in with bad judgements of me, too. I do enough self-judgement.

On the other hand, when people are supportive or nice, it helps so so much.

I personally don't like the book "Walking on Eggshells"- though many people (BPD's included) have said good things about it. I've read heaps of postive reviews... but for me .... I disliked it. The book did not "get" what was behind my feelings most of the time... it presupposed a lot of things which didn't resonate with my experience. That's just me. If it helped other people though, God bless!

The book which helped me and which I prefer is "The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide" by Alexander Chapman. It comes from a place of compassion.

I don't really feel like I want anyone to walk on eggshells at all around me. I don't want people to have to change themselves on my account. My mother could be so controling, that I try to take extra care to not manipulate or control people. Everyone manipulates their environment just by saying "hello"... but you know what I mean? I mean, "bad manipulative." That's one reason Walking on Eggshells bothered me so much- it was all the things I resolved to not do.

But my BPD manifests in other ways. I may get SO hurt, but not show it... but "act in" instead of "acting out." I dissociate. I isolate. I relate more to Susanna in "Girl, Interrupted"... she had one or two bad moments, but on the whole, she was someone who more "acted in" in my opinion.

 

[RainbowBaby]

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[RainbowBaby]

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[WalrusGumBoot]

I personally don't like the book "Walking on Eggshells"- though many people (BPD's included) have said good things about it. I've read heaps of postive reviews... but for me .... I disliked it. The book did not "get" what was behind my feelings most of the time... it presupposed a lot of things which didn't resonate with my experience. That's just me. If it helped other people though, God bless!

I had this book for months before I read it all the way through. Being somebody who had just recently discovered why my wife was acting the way she was, I looked for validation for my feelings of frustration and pain. Once I got to the point where I chose to do something to try to improve the situation, I knew I had to understand what was going through her mind, and that is when I read the entire book and learned a lot, and put it into practice. It didn't help her one bit, but it helped me, and my reactions to her helped bring more peace into the house.

Wanting to further educate myself and to be a better husband to her, I am here to learn from you guys. Sometimes I am not in the best of moods when I am here because of some incident that occurred between her and I, but I find I empathize better when I realize that I cannot take what she says personally.

I especially love hearing about those of you who are making a recovery. It gives me much needed hope. I have been in situations where it seems hopeless and I wish I would just die or something because God hates divorce and as a Christian, I did not want to go there. Dying seemed to be my only way out.... or her dying. But it felt morbid to wish for dying and I decided to become more proactive on improving what I have and trust God that He will reward the effort.

 

[coolworld187]

We must be related! Mainly in the area with dealing with MyWife, She looks at Me the same way and degrades me at no end and feels that u should be Thankful that She has not left Me! I try My Best to stay out of the way because She throws some painful darts at My Heart! Now that's talking about kicking someone while they are already down! I just try to do My Best in dealing with My Mental Strong Holds! In all Honesty, I would prefer to no longer being in the land if the living but I have two Daughters so that keeps Me trying to plug along and the Only thing that Really Matters For Me Is To Do My Best To Help Them Along In This a Life Even Though I Am In Constant Turmoil! Hopefully one day that will look back and understand and know without a doubt that their Daddy Loved Them So Much!

 

[Krissy Cakes]

Borderline Personality Disorder is hard to deal with as I should know as I have it.
But please know I am praying for you. I would talk to a counselor or Pastor.

 

[coolworld187]

I Greatly Appreciate Your Prayers! Yes, I have a Great Dr in Support if making things Better For Me And My Family! I have not been to Church in a while. This stuff has torn Me down for Years and has gotten Worse! I just Feel that God does not Care About Me! These 3 Demons have Me so confused on Everything! This stuff just Destroys You! Concerning My Pastor, which I don't want to blame, which I was doing before. If I am not Loved Enough to See About that is something I can't Control! Concerning My Christian Wife, She looks at Me that I Caused Myself To Be Like This And I Should Just Be Able To Be Happy which She is the type that Feels She Knows About The Word And Is Living For Christ! That's okay! I try to use My Daughters as the thing that keeps Me Alive but not even being Appreciated for that it is getting harder and harder for Me To Even Believe That And I Just Cause More Damage Living Than Dying Because Even When I Would Go To Church Life Still Unbarable For Me! I look at it now that some of us are Not Good For Life And Life Is Not Good For Us! I guess it is a Good thing that I don't know for sure if I Kill Myself I Would Go To Hell Because If I Knew That Would Not Stop Me I Would Check On Out AND GET PEACE!

 

[bhsmte]

Buy them each a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I am not a BPD sufferer, but it completely changed the way I relate to my wife, who has BPD.

Excellent book.

There is also an abundance of good information online about BPD.

 

[Chococat]

how do I explain to extended family members about my BPD? They think I am just immature, screwed up or just have bad behavior. people think i can just 'stop' acting a certain way, as if im just purposing behaving that way to hurt others and be destructive. How do i avoid getting hurt by all the judgments, and condemnation by ignorant people.and another thing is that people can't find a balance between accomadating me and saying "suck it up buttercup", they are either one or the other, how do i teach them to love me in a balanced way?
I dont want to be babied, but people can be so insensitive.

I can relate to what you said as I had a bit of a "meltdown" in church a few weeks ago because things in my life started getting on top of me. Most of the people were very supportive and understanding but there was one woman who started preaching and talking down to me and has been avoiding me since. Even when I apologised, even though I had not said anything hurtful to her anyway she made it clear she had no sympathy for me. I think she thinks I'm either crazy or a spoilt brat and that hurts especially as we used to get on pretty well before that. Still it's at times like this that you realise who your real friends are.

 

[Chococat]

I completely get what you mean, PegMonkey. I hate when my feelings get out of control. As soon as I begin to lose my emotional balance, I begin judging myself.... the very last thing I need is when others jump in with bad judgements of me, too. I do enough self-judgement..

So true People should really learn to walk a mile in another person's shoes before judging them or as my Lord and Saviour said "Judge not lest you be judged". I know that Scripture is probably one of the most misused and misquoted in the whole Bible but in some cases it is right on!