It's been two months; are you still around?
I have been doing really good not to do drugs or sell myself. I am a single mom who works hard for her daughter and is also full time in school. I was finally starting to see myself as something more then my past.
Good. Right? It's good to do good, right? It's good to not do or sell drugs, to overcome the addictions one day at a time, right? It's good to work hard and to do so for your daughter, right? What a remarkable thing it will be to see your daughter grow up and live better than all the evil you know all too well. It's good, too, to be in school, right? It's good to see yourself, right? and to see yourself as something
more (not the same thing as just seeing yourself)?
It will be easy to put down the dope but much harder to overcome the thoughts and emotions seeking sedation. It's easy to stop thieving but much harder to overcome the lust for more - especially the ones upon which the addictions feed. It's be easy to stop preying on others but much harder to overcome the desire to feel strong and powerful at others' expense. It is easy to relax, to breath slowly, but harder to feel peace.
Do it anyway.
...but just recently, Friday morning to be exact i was raped again around 3 am and I'm really struggling with it.
I am very sad to read that. I know of another woman who was raped soon after her conversion and it has always seemed senseless to me. Struggling with it is understandable, ssnh. Please do struggle with it. Struggle wisely, though. Stay in counseling and overcome. Some scars do heal.
All the things I was starting to believe kind of feel like lies to me now. I realized that I will never be a daughter of the king because I'm to dirty. I know that God will never love me or want me because i have been touched by to many men. ...i finally decided that this was what God wanted for my life...I am always going to be the girl that guys can just use for sex. I honestly feel like life would be better without me in it.
Normal response to an abnormal set of circumstances. Relapse is a normal part of recovery, too - especially in the presence of further abuse. It is important to remember this: what is "normal" is not always healthy.
You know something few of us ever come close to understanding: what it feels like to be treated worthlessly. This is ground zero for you and your recovery. You have worth whether anyone else tells you so or not and you need to be telling yourself that regardless of how you feel - use all those emotions to that effect. Use your anger to affirm your worth. Use spite, fear, worry, and obsession. But don't forget the rest of you. The rest of you is a valuable part of you, too. Assert your worth in love, compassion, friendliness, gentleness, patience, and kindness, too.
Remember, and learn to do this until you can remember that these abuses do not define you. They may have had a tyranny over your soul in the past but the plain fact that you've mustered what it took to post here is commendable and evidence that you live and know yourself to have worth (however meagerly you may feel it today, or tomorrow, or the next day). As you learn to trust your own thoughts and emotions they'll get healthier and you can trust them even more. It will take awhile and you may feel weary more often than you want to admit, so remember none of us have ever been perfect the first time we tried something new. You won't be perfect in finding yourself the first time out, either. Maybe not the second, third, or tenth time, either. But if you start the journey and resist the urge to look back you'll get there. If I told you it'll take two years would that intimidate you not to begin? What if it takes five, ten, or fifteen years to be whole? Would you not begin because it will take too long and too much work? I hope the prospect of time and effort don't prevent you from healing.
Remember the first step of any twelve-step program is to acknowledge we are powerless over our problem (in this case the problem is trauma) and we require a Power greater than ourselves to be restored to sanity. That, of course, is where Jesus comes in. I hope these next few words don't trigger you but consider just for the briefest of moments what Jesus likely experienced when handed over to the Romans for torture. Scripture is silent on the details but in all likelihood he too was raped. Jesus knows.
I assume your therapist has begun by helping you feel safe and finding ways to get you to personal safety. The
Trauma, PTSD, & Dissociation Resources op has a post with helps on small and practical things you can do to slow down the tornado inside. I also assume you've done some reading on trauma because it'll save you time and money compared to the therapist's hourly rate. If you're not reading and you are interested I'll list a few books with which you might start. I trust you're attending a recovery group, too (AA, NA, trauma, etc.). This might be challenging because your story will be worse than most and how in the world will the lesser-burdened be able to relate? Go anyway. Work the steps. And find some friends. The word "friend" is supposed to mean something so find those who understand its meaning and be patient with them when they let you down - and they will because they probably do not understand. Nor do they want to understand. You will teach them new meanings of friendship and the ones that endure will be valued forever.
Tell your counselor your story. Take it as slow as you need and be as detailed as you dare. Tell your story as often as she asks. She (he?) can take it. It's what she's been trained to do so make her earn her profession, make her earn the privilege of knowing you as you will be when whole and healed. Be polite, and respectful as often as you can but make her do her job. Know and be known. It will be a fantastic, fascinating and remarkable journey. Laborious but remarkable nonetheless. When you leave her office for the last time and shake her hand and give her a fearless hug in love and gratitude you'll feel indebted to her for all it took to be healed, new, and whole but the truth is the debt is hers. She will have been privileged to see a life restored up close and personal.
Do the work, ssnh. Let nothing from here on out get in the way.
Come back to the forum periodically and tell us how you're doing so we can continue to pray in an informed manner and praise God for what He's done.
