Hi there everyone,
I have a good friend of mine, who recently lost his wife a few months back and I know he is hurting and missing her terribly. I feel really bad and sad for him as they have been a good friend to me over the few years I've known them. It is a friend I know online, who lives a long way away although I have met up with them in person a few times, so sadly there is a great deal of distance between us, so I fear there isn't a great deal practically I can do.
Anyway, other than being sympathetic and being there for them to talk to and providing a listening ear, and praying, I just wondered, from those who've been in this situation, whether you think there is anything else I can do, that would be helpful for the person in this situation?
Sorry if I sound stupid asking this, but I care about this person a lot, and we are good friends, and as this forum has posters who are in this very sad situation, I just thought any advice/tips/suggestions/help on how I can be a better and more supportive friend to this person will be a big help
So, if anyone does have any suggestions, please feel free to tell me!
Thank you
keeping in regular touch is the best thing that you can do.
most people who are either friends or relatives of the deceased drop off contact after the first few weeks (yes, that soon) as they get on with their own lives.
Unfortunately the pain and grief of death doesn't stop so soon for the spouse, but continues on for a very long time...often for many years.
It is most helpful to ask how they are feeling, and what they are doing...the two things that will show what their mental and physical state is at that time.
This allows the grieving person a way to express that grief and also to begin to talk about it (it is a very unique time of life)
and also to ask for help in coping with things that come up in the normal course of dealing with a death.
In the early days and months there is a general feeling of shock and numbness, inability to think coherently, forgetfulness where there had been none before, mind-numbing pain, and wrenching grief.
these are days when it helps greatly to have someone who can gently help to organize or oversee things that need to be done,
who can make lists of what organizations need to be contacted, and generally help ease the burden of having to think 'what's next?'
If asked, most grieving persons have absolutely no idea what that 'next thing' is.
It's good if that help can be done in person, but it can also be done online if the helper is familiar with the person who is grieving.
there are different stages and feelings that most everyone goes through during the grieving period that are unique to that situation.
They don't happen in order, and they can last for varying periods of time, and even reoccur.
Two of the most distressing things to immediately cope with are the worry over finances and bills, and the worry over where to live now.
These come at a time very early in grief when we who are grieving are least able to deal with them, and when help is often absent.
Gradually as time passes the numbness will wear off, the sense of now being alone
and the subsequent feeling of isolation will become familiar.
the new state of grief will not be so raw and fresh as it was at the beginning.
There will be episodes of remembrance that will be painful, the last days will be remembered and relived often,
and there will probably be a need to be reassured that what is happening is a normal part of the process of grief,
and especially that what the grieving person is experiencing has also happened to someone else.
Eventually acceptance of what now is will come.
After acceptance comes, outside contact is really helpful to combat the subsequent feeling of being isolated.
That feeling of isolation is a natural progression of the need to find a safe, secure harbor
in a time of tumult and drastic changes which come with the death of a loved one.
Ironically this is exactly the most dangerous time of the grieving period;
when persons who are grieving seek quick, easy solutions thinking to escape,
or to cut short the pain of their grief and loneliness, which has become intolerable to them.
As a result, they are likely to be prone to make hasty decisions that are not well thought out.
Those "solutions" can come in the form of a desperate plan to escape from the reality of grief,
and they come at time when the person who is grieving needs the most support from friends and family to continue on.
Anything to help get the person who is grieving outside the safe confines of their home for even a short while should be encouraged.
that does two things;
1. it shows them that life can go on
2. it also shows them that help to cope with the pain of loss is available.
This doesn't necessarily have to mean close human contact,
but even being in an area where other people are, and where casual contact can happen is helpful.
Doing activities that are conducive to their own continuing life are the most helpful.
This could mean shopping for groceries, taking the car for a tune-up, going out for a meal,
visiting a friend, going to church,etc.
In essence it confirms that there is still life remaining out there; even in the midst of suffering, loss, and grief.
and that confirmation is enough to help with the next transition.
Eventually the thought of possibly having a life here on earth,
of taking up the habits and interests of life again,
and of going forward will begin to occur.
It is a time of transition; a bridge between the loss and what comes next.
All of this happens more slowly than anyone who hasn't been through it can imagine.
But it does happen.
there is slow but eventual progression, and gradual getting back into contact with life.
But most importantly, there is hope of a life and a renewed sense of purpose
that is waiting beyond the grief and the loss.
hope this helps!
p.s. i did not respond before because i only saw your post today.
