I hate my father, please help

[EpicBacon]

Hello, I suppose I'm not really looking for advice here, as I know that nothing that anyone says can fix that problem that I am having but I suppose that it is healthy for me to vent here on the internet because I have no other option for me to vent.

So I will explain my horrible situation with my father, and I suppose that all you should do is answer and say your opinion it would really help me to know that someone out there is listening to me.

Well first of I am fourteen years old, and well my parents are old.... Not talking late forties or anything like that I'm talking late fifties, my dad is 59 and my mom is 56. Yeh it's disturbing but oh well.

Now it hasn't been as much as a problem with my mom as you probably tell by the title of this question, I mean my mom is annoying and all but I can live with her.

The problem is my dad, and well to put pointless swearing aside he is a jerk. A BIG one, we have always had conflict with each other, I have no respect for him at all he is just an idiot with anger problems.

You see my dad is abusive. Not physically or verbally but emotionally. He's horrible, ignorant like a young annoying child. He has yelled at me, gotten upset, been COMPLETELY unreasonable towards me forever. And he gets angry over the smallest things it is pathetic.

My mom she just does nothing, she just stands stands back and watches. When I complain about all of the things my dad says all she simply does is say.

"You need to respect him, the bible says so." I heard that excuse for YEARS that it is ok the way my dad treats me, but when I try to show him how the way he acts is horrible my mom only has the courage then to go up to me and say that what I am doing is wrong.

My parents are EXTREMELY stuck-up Christians so near the beginning of this school year (8th grade) I decided to leave Christianity, as if to say to my mother "now what is your excuse?"

So then guess my dad does? He FORCES me to go to some youth group bible meeting and I refuse to go and so I became grounded once every week for not going somewhere.

I may have no respect for my father, true. But how the <staff edit> am I supposed to respect him?

Respect is something earned, not something I must give him just because it was written down in ink a few hundred thousand years ago.

I personally am stubborn, I will question someones <staff edit> authority.

That being said I do know how to be respectful, I just expect it to be given to me in return. So my mom left a few weeks ago and of course fighting has gotten worse, she won't come up until Augest 5th so I do not know what to do.

I could go on and on with stories about my dad but I decided to just leave it at here. I just wish that I could have a different set of parents, and have a different life, in a different town, I just wished that if God was real, he'd pick a life for me that is better then this.

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

You sound very frustrated and it's tough when someone, particularly a parent is emotionally abusive. Of course we can't change our parents.

I'm sorry you're going through this tough time. I'm listening.

 

[takamine08]

I'm listening. I'm praying. You know, kids should learn how to respect from their parents. However, if your parents aren't setting that example, maybe you need to be the example to them. No, it won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. Believe it or not, God cares about your situation, too. He'll listen to whatever you have to say, whenever you need to say it.

 

[ShainaBrina]

It's not ok for your father to treat you that way, in fact it is sin. The bible says father's do not drive your children to wrath. Still even though it's wrong and sinful behavior you need to forgive your father and mother. This is important for your own well being. Having anger and/or bitterness can make you sick.

So how about trying something like: "Abba Father, what my father did was sin, I don't know why he did what he did, it hurt me and it is not OK. In Jesus' name I forgive my father. I ask you to Bless my father

Have you tried not arguing back with your father? Try keeping calm even when he yells... it just might help defuse the situation.

May the Lord richly bless you in all things.

 

[EpicBacon]

I have definately tried being calm, all he does is freak out, he is a pathetic excuese for a human.

 

[Johnnz]

We can't really respect what is not worthy of that. It will be a matter of you not becoming bitter and corroded by his attitudes.

John
NZ

 

[Robin Shawn]

It sounds to me that your father doesn't know any other way to be; that is, he can't help how he is and needs someone to love him and show him a different way and what love really is.

It also sounds to me like he wants what's best for you; that is, wanting you to go to the youth group Bible meeting. Maybe it is wrong that he forces you, but he only wants what is best for you. It's a hard life, and if you don't grow up obeying God your life will be all the harder. God is our creator, and He knows what is best for us.

My advice to you: show your father what love is, and then he will know better.

Shawn

 

[laconicstudent]

I sympathize you with some extent, having come from a similar situation, but the grounding and youth group conflict, you must admit, was something you brought on yourself. You left Christianity simply to, by your own admission, irritate your parents.

Since, therefore, you are an atheist for that motive rather then philosophical convictions, convert back to eliminate a needless source of friction.

You and your father might not ever be "friends", and its going to be a drag. Just find a way to minimize the annoying interactions.

 

[Wackotic]

Even if you aren't looking for advice, having been in the same situation, I might be able to say a few things.

First, I understand those feelings of utter rage, anger, and hate. It's natural. There is on excuse to treat anyone the way he is treating you.

However, while the situation may be hard to ease, especially when it's unlikely your father will try to change, and even though you are filled with your own resentment, the best thing you can do is pray.

For me, I had to pray that God would grant me grace to turn the other cheek despite the sometimes rather extreme emotional and verbal abuse and to not defile myself before the Lord or defile my own dignity by fighting back with fire. It was hard, but I had to trust that God would repay him for his ways. I needed to pray that God would enable me to let go of my anger, to heal my hurt, and to allow me to do the right thing as Jesus also did when wrongly hurt and accused.

Eventually things got better. Don't get me wrong, I still live at home and still have to deal with my dad screaming at me over something stupid, calling me horrible names, and there are times where I am ready to hit him and am retaliating with all sorts of threats (but not so much when I am where I feel I should be in my faith where I am calmer in general because otherwise I am a stubborn person and am ready to defend myself and snap back). But the less I take it personally and more I just roll my eyes, ignore it, and think about more wholesome things, I maintain an inner calm and that calm energy doesn't leave much room for his angry energy to feed on so confrontations don't really amount to much.

The thing is, you have every right to walk away from your faith, but you can also know that what your father is doing is condemned in the Bible.

My father also used the 'respect your parents' cop out when I was younger despite not liking religion. People use things to their advantage because people are naturally controlled by their selfish, animal impulses, in my cynical view.

But if you do decide to surrender this crappy situation to God and trust that he will enable you to overcome by his might and if you keep asking for strength and perseverance, victory will come.

In fact, if it wasn't for my faith, I most likely would have tried to kill myself in my teenage years as I planned to, a few times, because of the situation with my father, garnering no sympathy from him when I did inflict harm on myself in a brief moment of being overwhelmed to the point of temporal insanity. I have the ugly scars on my upper arm to prove it, something people devoid of sense and compassion, if they knew the truth that I did it, would ignorantly label me as emo, something I have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I'll pray for you. Yeah, it doesn't feel fair and it isn't, but it will thus take a lot of inner strength to endure it while gaining satisfaction in your life as life is too short to let it be deprived of joy by sinful men who are controlled by their lower nature and not the higher nature in Christ.

I mean, yeah, you can walk away from God or you can curse up a storm at him about what you are going through, spilling the contents of your soul out to him, admitting how frustrating it is, and admitting that you can't respect the man and don't know what to do and need help. I have done that and was blessed for my honesty more than paying lip service despite steaming inwardly because I was so fed up that I was ready to become violent towards something or someone out of such deep despair.

But look at Galatians 5 and look at the works of the flesh. That man has got works of the flesh working in him. It's the ugliness of sin. Actually, when I questioned the existence of God, it was my experience with my old man which made me realize that I believed in evil and not some morally neutral state of existence where morality was just a human construction. A Christ follower would be the antithesis of what your father is showing. But the reality of sin is that sin destroys, steals, kills. Sin is what we humans work with our hands and hence why God hates it so much and why Jesus would be abused by a bunch of sinners like your father and like us at one point or another so there would be a solution in surrendering the impossible to God who can make the impossible possible.

But don't let your spirit, especially at your age, die because of some child in an adult's body. But really, sin is the culprit because even God has compassion for those who are enslaved to it and because of it hurt others.

 

[joelleka]

I can somewhat relate to you, I never have gotten along with my Dad either.In fact I struggle all the time with not having feelings of bitterness toward him. It helps me to think of this; Life is so short you never know when something could happen to one of you and do you really want your memories of him to be full of hurt and anger? If I were you I would either talk to him or write him a letter about how you feel he is treating you and maybe even suggest the both of you going to a christian counselor or pastor to help work everything out.

 

[daveth]

Bacon,

you are an atheist NOW, so I will try and use extra-biblical sources.
I really liked a comedy "Nine months" with Hugh Grant. Hugh makes his girlfriend pregnant. So the very thought of fatherhood terrifies Hugh who happens to be a child psychologist. And to make matters worse he has a session with a little client (9 years old) and the boy says, 'My dad is an <staff edit>.' Hugh says smth like, 'tell me more, explain why you think so.' and the boy says, Oh he is just an <staff edit>.' Well, that makes Hugh think, 'I will 'In nine years my child may say I am an <staff edit>' and that thought doesn't make Hugh look forward to becoming a father.
My father was well, difficult, and outright abusive at times. Emotionally, verbally and even physically. However, we did sports together and it toughened me up so I could defend myself at school (and I am grateful to him for that). Also he made cool hats out of newspapers in summer.
Now, Bacon, don't you have any memories of your father being good?
Did he never play baseball with you? Never took you to a zoo or cinema? Have you never cycled together? Never went fishing together? Has he made you some toys?

Hello, I suppose I'm not really looking for advice here, as I know that nothing that anyone says can fix that problem that I am having but I suppose that it is healthy for me to vent here on the internet because I have no other option for me to vent.

So I will explain my horrible situation with my father, and I suppose that all you should do is answer and say your opinion it would really help me to know that someone out there is listening to me.

Well first of I am fourteen years old, and well my parents are old.... Not talking late forties or anything like that I'm talking late fifties, my dad is 59 and my mom is 56. Yeh it's disturbing but oh well.

Now it hasn't been as much as a problem with my mom as you probably tell by the title of this question, I mean my mom is annoying and all but I can live with her.

The problem is my dad, and well to put pointless swearing aside he is a jerk. A BIG one, we have always had conflict with each other, I have no respect for him at all he is just an idiot with anger problems.

You see my dad is abusive. Not physically or verbally but emotionally. He's horrible, ignorant like a young annoying child. He has yelled at me, gotten upset, been COMPLETELY unreasonable towards me forever. And he gets angry over the smallest things it is pathetic.

My mom she just does nothing, she just stands stands back and watches. When I complain about all of the things my dad says all she simply does is say.

"You need to respect him, the bible says so." I heard that excuse for YEARS that it is ok the way my dad treats me, but when I try to show him how the way he acts is horrible my mom only has the courage then to go up to me and say that what I am doing is wrong.

My parents are EXTREMELY stuck-up Christians so near the beginning of this school year (8th grade) I decided to leave Christianity, as if to say to my mother "now what is your excuse?"

So then guess my dad does? He FORCES me to go to some youth group bible meeting and I refuse to go and so I became grounded once every week for not going somewhere.

I may have no respect for my father, true. But how the <staff edit> am I supposed to respect him?

Respect is something earned, not something I must give him just because it was written down in ink a few hundred thousand years ago.

I personally am stubborn, I will question someones <staff edit> authority.

That being said I do know how to be respectful, I just expect it to be given to me in return. So my mom left a few weeks ago and of course fighting has gotten worse, she won't come up until Augest 5th so I do not know what to do.

I could go on and on with stories about my dad but I decided to just leave it at here. I just wish that I could have a different set of parents, and have a different life, in a different town, I just wished that if God was real, he'd pick a life for me that is better then this.

 

[daveth]

Just read my previous post, censored by blessed and not cursed mod.people.

==
- My dad's an Jerk.

- O.K.

Good.
Interesting.
Um, is that
something

you can maybe
elaborate on

a little bit
for me, Truman?

- O.K.

My dad's
a giant Jerk!



Yeah.
---
been self-censored for the benefit of your so righteous folks.

Anyway, Bacon, do you think you will become a father someday?

 

[Silver2001]

Hello, I suppose I'm not really looking for advice here, as I know that nothing that anyone says can fix that problem that I am having but I suppose that it is healthy for me to vent here on the internet because I have no other option for me to vent.

So I will explain my horrible situation with my father, and I suppose that all you should do is answer and say your opinion it would really help me to know that someone out there is listening to me.

Well first of I am fourteen years old, and well my parents are old.... Not talking late forties or anything like that I'm talking late fifties, my dad is 59 and my mom is 56. Yeh it's disturbing but oh well.

Now it hasn't been as much as a problem with my mom as you probably tell by the title of this question, I mean my mom is annoying and all but I can live with her.

The problem is my dad, and well to put pointless swearing aside he is a jerk. A BIG one, we have always had conflict with each other, I have no respect for him at all he is just an idiot with anger problems.

You see my dad is abusive. Not physically or verbally but emotionally. He's horrible, ignorant like a young annoying child. He has yelled at me, gotten upset, been COMPLETELY unreasonable towards me forever. And he gets angry over the smallest things it is pathetic.

My mom she just does nothing, she just stands stands back and watches. When I complain about all of the things my dad says all she simply does is say.

"You need to respect him, the bible says so." I heard that excuse for YEARS that it is ok the way my dad treats me, but when I try to show him how the way he acts is horrible my mom only has the courage then to go up to me and say that what I am doing is wrong.

My parents are EXTREMELY stuck-up Christians so near the beginning of this school year (8th grade) I decided to leave Christianity, as if to say to my mother "now what is your excuse?"

So then guess my dad does? He FORCES me to go to some youth group bible meeting and I refuse to go and so I became grounded once every week for not going somewhere.

I may have no respect for my father, true. But how the <staff edit> am I supposed to respect him?

Respect is something earned, not something I must give him just because it was written down in ink a few hundred thousand years ago.

I personally am stubborn, I will question someones <staff edit> authority.

That being said I do know how to be respectful, I just expect it to be given to me in return. So my mom left a few weeks ago and of course fighting has gotten worse, she won't come up until Augest 5th so I do not know what to do.

I could go on and on with stories about my dad but I decided to just leave it at here. I just wish that I could have a different set of parents, and have a different life, in a different town, I just wished that if God was real, he'd pick a life for me that is better then this.

EpicBacon,

To be honest, there is nothing really that can be said to you. You just have a settled rebellion against authority. You might not be ready to hear this, but I will tell you, for I have been thru a worse situation than this. Nothing got better until I realized that the problem were not the people around me, the problem was ME. You got to face it, the problem is not your old dad or mom. If it is not them, it will be someone else, that will happen thru your whole life. Furthermore, you are just walking away from the solution by leaving God.
If you did not get anything from my post, just get this... All this rebellion that you are giving to, you will regret one day; trust me, the madder you get, more regrets you will have.

If I was on your place, which I have been, I would put my face on the ground and cry out to God. That was the only thing that saved me.

 

[EpicBacon]

EpicBacon,

To be honest, there is nothing really that can be said to you. You just have a settled rebellion against authority. You might not be ready to hear this, but I will tell you, for I have been thru a worse situation than this. Nothing got better until I realized that the problem were not the people around me, the problem was ME. You got to face it, the problem is not your old dad or mom. If it is not them, it will be someone else, that will happen thru your whole life. Furthermore, you are just walking away from the solution by leaving God.
If you did not get anything from my post, just get this... All this rebellion that you are giving to, you will regret one day; trust me, the madder you get, more regrets you will have.

If I was on your place, which I have been, I would put my face on the ground and cry out to God. That was the only thing that saved me.

I've prayed about this issue for years, yet nothing happened.

 

[Johnnz]

EpicBacon,

To be honest, there is nothing really that can be said to you. You just have a settled rebellion against authority. You might not be ready to hear this, but I will tell you, for I have been thru a worse situation than this. Nothing got better until I realized that the problem were not the people around me, the problem was ME. You got to face it, the problem is not your old dad or mom. If it is not them, it will be someone else, that will happen thru your whole life. Furthermore, you are just walking away from the solution by leaving God.
If you did not get anything from my post, just get this... All this rebellion that you are giving to, you will regret one day; trust me, the madder you get, more regrets you will have.

If I was on your place, which I have been, I would put my face on the ground and cry out to God. That was the only thing that saved me.

I see a reply such as this as at best formulaic, at worst downright harmful. It implies that your dad can impose whatever onto you and if you do not like what you then experience its you that has the problem. What nonsense.

Abusive people are exhibiting destructive, sinful behaviours. We are never to see our resistance to being sinned upon as rebellion. That is submission to darkness. God Himself is angry at such abuse (...better for a millstone etc....).

At 14 you are leaving childhood forever. You need to develop your own faith and the reasons for it. At that age I gave my children good information, open discussion, helped them to explore the logic of both Christian and non Christian positions and compare them, and above all how to think for themselves. All three are committed Christians and highly successful in their lives and careers.

My mother was highly abusive and controlling up until the time she died. I know how important it is to not become victimised by such behaviour. you must avoid that too. Discover the real Jesus, not a religious version. That will change your life.

John
NZ

 

[Silver2001]

I see a reply such as this as at best formulaic, at worst downright harmful. It implies that your dad can impose whatever onto you and if you do not like what you then experience its you that has the problem. What nonsense.

Abusive people are exhibiting destructive, sinful behaviours. We are never to see our resistance to being sinned upon as rebellion. That is submission to darkness. God Himself is angry at such abuse (...better for a millstone etc....).

At 14 you are leaving childhood forever. You need to develop your own faith and the reasons for it. At that age I gave my children good information, open discussion, helped them to explore the logic of both Christian and non Christian positions and compare them, and above all how to think for themselves. All three are committed Christians and highly successful in their lives and careers.

My mother was highly abusive and controlling up until the time she died. I know how important it is to not become victimised by such behaviour. you must avoid that too. Discover the real Jesus, not a religious version. That will change your life.

John
NZ

John,

I see that my post really bothered you. By what I read you must have had something very similar to what is happening to this young man. Let me clarify my point, so perhaps you will also find a place in your heart that needs to change.
God will judge all of our actions... It does not matter what your mother has done to you, God cares about your heart. EpicBacon is very clear that he hates his father; at the same time, the Bible is very clear that God is love, and Jesus says that hatred is murder. Therefore, he is the one who has the problem. If he is praying to God to change the situation, his prayer is wrong. This young man should pray for God to change his heart, and his feelings towards his father.
I also hated my mother for what she did, but when I gave myself to God, and let him show me my sin. I could just think the things that she did, and not the things that I had done to her; I allowed Jesus to heal my heart from all that hurt, and ask God for forgiveness of my sin... Then I was able to love her, it did not matter what she did, and what she had done.

I hope this clarifies.

 

[wpage]

Can you get a meeting with your Pastor and Father to try to use the Pastor as a arbitrator of your grievance?

 

[EpicBacon]

My pastor is 25, he isn't mature enough in my opinion.

 

[whitebeaches]

i think it was a good thing for you to write down what you are feeling. its a good start to help you release some of your frustration that you must be feeling. i dont blame you for wishing you had a different home life. your father has treated you unfairly and caused your anger. he has been disrespectful. in 4 more years you will be graduating high school and moving onto college. hang in there.

 

[whitebeaches]

living with someone whom is negative and verbally abusive and eomtionally abusive is horrible. it weighs hevily on ones soul and causes them to having feelings as you do. its normal. no one should have to live like that. i keep thinking that in 4 years you will be 18 and you will be done with hs and free to move out. 4 years will go by before you know it and then you will be an adult and wont have to live there anymore.