"I guess I have to.... (fill in the blank)."

[LovebirdsFlying]

The situation is that my husband is the only real source of income around here. I have mobility limitations and have already had the Department of Vocational Rehabilitation tell me twice that I am unemployable. Daughter who lives with us is also disabled, but she has a better chance of eventual recovery than I do. She's been looking for work and has been turned down, but she does help around the house. A lot. I do what I can, but some days are better than others. She also pays us rent with her disability check. (I don't receive one because my husband's income disqualifies me.)

My husband frequently starts thinking out loud, composing a list of chores he guesses "he" is going to have to do. "I guess I have to do laundry." "I guess I have to cook supper." "I guess I have to clean up after supper." "I guess I have to water the vegetables." Whatever it is, if I'm the least bit slow getting to something, he jumps to the automatic conclusion that HE is going to have to do it. If I ask him why he assumes HE is going to have to do that, he answers with a shrug, "Because it needs to be done." Yeah, well, I'm disabled, not useless! (Or am I? I do often wonder.)

He worked three separate overtime shifts this weekend, besides the full work week. This means that on Friday and on Saturday, he put in two shifts each day. My daughter and I went out of our way to make sure he wouldn't have to come home and do a thing. Friday night, I even interrupted his verbal list-making of things he guesses he's going to have to do, and told him point blank he's not going to have to do a thing at home. Whatever needs to be done, my daughter and I will cover it. And we did. We made sure the vegetables were watered, the laundry was done, the floor was vacuumed, and supper was waiting for him the minute he walked in the door. And yet as he ate that supper, he STILL verbally assumed he was going to have to clean up afterward.

No matter how clearly I try to explain it, I cannot get it across to him that by assuming HE has to do whatever, he is by logic also assuming that I can't or won't do it myself. We've had this conversation a hundred times. If indeed he is only making a mental list of what needs to be done, and it's no reflection on my abilities, I've asked him to say instead, "Such-and-such needs to be done," without any mention of who will be doing it. Or, rather than assuming, he could ask me, "Do you plan to do such-and-such, or do you need me to?" Yet he persists in his wording of, "I guess I'll have to...." Imagine how he'd react if I were constantly talking about how I really need to find a job because *somebody* should be bringing in a paycheck, and I was forever listing all of the individual bills *I* am going to have to pay.

How can I make it understood how much this hurts me when I constantly hear subtle undercurrents of, "Well, I certainly can't count on you, so I guess I'll have to...."? What can I tell him that I haven't already said again and again?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

For me with my brain injury, I often forget things. So my wife will get on me about things I forgot. As if I do it on purpose. I think for some spouses, they get your disabled, but at the same time maybe they never understand fully enough and they get frustrated because having to do more to pick up slack wears on them. Sadly many couples who have a disabled spouse, sometimes the other will leave because life becomes to hard to deal with living with someone whos disabled. My wife isn't like that though, she will be at my side forever. But I do see the frustration in her when I forget things. Best we can do is pray for our spouse, not only for their thinking about us, but for them to have patience, understanding and strength. And of course to be less stressed.

As for how to say anything to him again. When reading what you posted my sarcasm was going on in my mind like "Sorry for being so useless dear. But I love being useless! I grew up wanting to be useless! I wanted to always be reminded of how useless I was and talked down to! I chose to be disabled for sure! WOOHOO!". Obviously don't tell them that lol. But yeah, its not easy at times when you feel like someone close doesn't fully understand you wants "normal" for lack of better words.

 

[mkgal1]

How can I make it understood how much this hurts me when I constantly hear subtle undercurrents of, "Well, I certainly can't count on you, so I guess I'll have to...."? What can I tell him that I haven't already said again and again?

I don't have an answer for you. In this post (and I assume you've said very similar things to him as well) you've been very articulate and clear about *why* this hurts you and how you'd like it phrased (a simple, "would you like for me to clear the dishes" would resolve it.....correct?). Is it a matter of him having that as a habit? Can you just make a sound when he begins with "I guess I have to" to remind him (I'm thinking of what I do when our dog is thinking of jumping on the couch and he walks away and goes to his bed)....or is it a matter of him to "getting" why this hurts you?

 

[kmrichard7]

Im going to be honest. While i understand you have limitations, i dont know if i could handle what your husband is handling. He works full time as well as out in three doubles this weekend? Not only that but at home he is used to doing most of the work. Hes probably exhausted. He needs help and he feels like its not going to happen so he talks out loud probably in hopes that you will understand that he needs help.
Were you this limited when you met? Did you help out more in certain areas or have you always had these limitations?

Im not saying you are wrong for what you do or dont do. Ive been there. Only i suddenly started having health problems and as a result i became depressed. And with being depressed i never felt good nor had the energy to do anything. So i didnt work clean or cook but every once in a while and my husband picked up my slack. When i look back on it now i feel horrible that i put so much stress on him
You were able to help him this weekend when he was so clearly over worked, whats preventing you feom helping him other times before he is already this exhausted? Be honest with yourself if it is something you can manage or if you really are that limited.
You werent specific so i can only relate to my own situation where i was limited but not as much as my actions were showing. I was capable of more, just always felt too tired for more.

 

[turkle]

I can see a few reason why your husband might talk the way he does.

1. He might feel over burdened and that your arrangement is inequitable, despite your disability. He wants things to be done in the home, but thinks you are moving too slowly, so he becomes the long suffering martyr.

2. He might be telling you that he wants you to step up and anticipate the household needs before he says anything.

3. He might think that the only way to spur you into action is by laying a guilt trip on you.

4. He feels undervalued for all he does to support the household and needs appreciation.

5. He might really believe that if anything is going to get done, he has to do it. By saying what he says he's letting you know that he's not happy about it.

Considering that he really does carry a huge burden to provide, I would recommend that the most loving thing you could do for him is to let him know regularly how much you appreciate him, and move quickly to get things done. If the chores are finished, he won't feel burdened. If you need extra time, you can tell him that you'll do the dishes in 15 minutes or whatever time you choose. That way you are being proactive, and he doesn't feel the need to be reactive.

Having cared for a disabled person myself for 12 years, I understand how difficult it is to be the one who carries most of the burden. It's wonderful that you love and care for each other, and by anticipating his needs and what's important to him, I think you can show him a deeper level of that love.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

To clear up a couple of questions: Yes, I was disabled when my husband and I met. I've actually improved in what I'm able to do, but it varies from day to day. I wouldn't have been able to get everything accomplished over the weekend if it hadn't been for my daughter's help, but she did help. The reason for starting this thread is, we are already more than happy to pitch in so he doesn't have to carry the whole load. That's last weekend, and every day. Yet despite our attempts to both tell him and show him, he still seems completely unaware of that fact, and still assumes he has to do everything even though that is not true. Often he'll do something I would have gladly done, before I've had a chance to do it. He just didn't give me time before jumping to the conclusion that it was going to be on him.

In some ways it has gotten better. It used to be worse. I guess I'm just frustrated because it's still there at all. When we were first married, I couldn't understand why he felt a need to ask me to do some routine chore I would have done anyway, and was already doing as a matter of habit--something like clean the litter boxes, for example. "Would you be sure and clean the litter boxes today?" Um, yeah, just like I cleaned them yesterday, and the day before, and every day before that. What makes you think I wouldn't know it needs to be done unless you asked me to? On one occasion, after lunch, he asked me if I would be sure and wipe off the table, while I was already walking toward the table with a rag in my hand.

There is some leftover baggage involved. His previous wife, to whom he was married for fifteen years, was a bit of a princess. Although she had the same amount of income he did, she would not help pay the bills, because she felt it was the husband's responsibility to take care of the wife. Her money, by contrast, was hers to spend on leisure. Household chores, she considered beneath her dignity, and he did all of that too. So, he become accustomed to having to do everything. I'm having some trouble, I think, convincing him that it's not that way anymore. When he sees something that hasn't been done yet, he assumes it's not going to be done at all, and he rushes to it. The difference is, I would have done it if he'd given me time.

It could be there is progress. He works second shift hours. Today, I made breakfast. Then I had an eye appointment. When I came home, he offered to make lunch. After we ate, he asked me if I was going to do the dishes, or should he?

Yep, that's exactly what I want to see happen. I told him I'll gladly do the dishes, thanks for cooking lunch, and thanks for asking me instead of assuming he was going to have to clean up. "Are you going to do XYZ, or am I?" That simple question is all it takes.

Now, when he does ask me, how can I offer positive reinforcement without sounding like I'm saying "good boy" and giving him a doggie treat? Because I was a little concerned about how I sounded.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

And things continue to improve. This morning when he woke up, he offered to cook breakfast if I wasn't up to doing it--but he didn't *assume* he'd have to. Yay him!

Makes me wonder if he's been reading this thread.

PS: I cooked.

Edited to add, he's just called and told me he's picked up another two overtime shifts for this weekend, and may get the third. My first thought was, now, this is by his own choice, working all of this overtime. It's not like we're desperate. But then I remembered he told me, there is a new incoming class of trainees due to start their full-fledged jobs soon. When that happens, the opportunities for overtime will dry up, so he's grabbing what he can while it's available.

That means we, my daughter and I, plus a college-student nephew who lives with us, need to step it up at home. My challenge is that I don't overdo it. When I was younger, I used to be able to go on cleaning sprees and get a giant amount of work done, but I can't do that anymore. If I could, I would.

 

[akmom]

I'm a little confused at the disability situation. In my mind, you either can do something, or you can't. Like... I can't reach the top cupboards and I can't lift over 50 pounds. Because I just can't. It's not like *sometimes* I can reach them, so my husband and I have to have this discussion every time we need something off the top shelf... nope, he knows I will never be able to reach it, so if he wants something up that high he will have to get it. And if a piece of furniture needs moved, he knows it's gotta be him doing that too. But the rest of the chore divisions are pretty well established, after a decade of marriage, so no one comes home trying to figure out what they need to do.

What kind of disability would make a person intermittently unable to do something? I get it if you're on crutches or have your arm in a sling, then obviously you're out of commission for that time, but your spouse would know this and wouldn't have to figure out his chore list every night. I just don't get what kind of disability works like that, where your ability to perform routine tasks is completely unpredictable.

I do know this, and I don't mean to offend (your situation is what it is, and we all get what we're dealt), but unreliable help is not much help at all. If I cannot depend on someone regularly, I write them off and count on doing it myself. If they are sporadically able to assist, and they want to "surprise" me with having something done, then I just ask them not to bother. Because I depend on having a routine, and I do not like revisiting my routine each day based on the whims or availability of the people around me, no matter what the factors involved. It's just a lot of stress. For me, it's way more stress than just settling for a system where I can handle it all by myself.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

That's a fair question. I don't mind educating. With a chronic illness or pain condition, it's unpredictable from day to day whether someone will be able to do heavy housework. Something like paralysis wouldn't vary, but pain and inflammation does fluctuate. The condition is called post-traumatic arthritis, and it's basically old injuries flaring up and causing lasting difficulty. A car accident triggered mine. I have it mainly in the lower spine, knees, and shoulders.

What I can do varies according to what I've done recently. I need to pace myself. I wouldn't be able to scrub the bath tub, mop the floor, and wash the windows all in one day. If I did a heavy chore yesterday, it's pretty much a guarantee I will need light duty today, and possibly tomorrow too. Therefore, no, I cannot work at the same level every day.

Sometimes a problem builds up gradually. Right now, my knees are giving me trouble. That came on slowly over a course of days, starting with an occasional twinge of pain, and building up to barely being able to walk. This time last week, I could have done a lot more physical labor than I can now, because I wasn't having the pain then. I have to listen to my body. I was able to bake my sister a birthday cake, and keep the kitchen clean during the process, but when my knee started tricking on me, causing a few balance checks, I knew it was time to stop what I was doing and go sit down for a while. I wasn't going to be able to do any other household chores, unless it's something I can do sitting. I'll probably be back to higher functioning in a couple of weeks. Pushing myself too hard can cause a severe injury and put me out of commission for longer, especially if my knee gives out suddenly while I'm standing up, and it causes me to fall. In the meantime, I'm using knee braces and over the counter pain meds. I don't take prescription meds unless it's an absolutely extreme situation.

There are some limitations I always have, even on a good day. I generally won't need my cane when I'm indoors, walking from one room to another on a level surface. But if I leave the house, I need it, because I would have difficulty with stairs, curbs, or any kind of terrain that isn't smooth and flat. Running or jumping is always out of the question. If I do fall, I can't get up by myself. As a matter of fact, I often have to be helped up from a chair. My spine and joints lock in place, and I can't move. Once I'm on my feet, I may walk like a zombie the first several steps. As the stiffness eases, I become merely slow and awkward.

So that's the physical end of it. This is without getting into the psychiatric diagnoses, such as chronic depression and PTSD, at which I have made tremendous progress. They're still a problem for me, but much more manageable.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

With my mom she has a back problem that her whole family has. Its severe and eventually it requires surgery. Surgery that may require her to be wheelchair bound forever. Until then they make her wait. So her back pain is always there. Sometimes she can do dishes, laundry...etc. Other days she can barley move and sits on the couch taking pain pills in tears.

 

[akmom]

That sounds horrible. Is it just a pain issue, or are you doing damage to your joints when you exert yourself? Man I hate pain. I have a very low tolerance for any pain.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

There is degenerative joint damage, but I don't know whether exertion speeds it up, or if it's just going to happen over time. I've lost an inch of height because my spinal discs are disintegrating.

PS: My husband usually calls on his lunch break. Lately he's been making it a point to ask if this or that chore has been done, or should he do it when he gets home? Usually it's been done, but it's good for him to know that in advance, so he can put his mindset in the proper place.

Our laundry is routinely washed on Saturday, when he's off. He's still picking up overtime while it hasn't dried up yet, and has an extra eight hours this weekend. Daughter and nephew do their own. We only wash ours. I don't want him to have to do all of it by himself, but my knees are shot to blazes right now. Often if one of us isn't up to doing a chore alone, we can both work on it, and get it done together. I think we'll do it that way today.

 

[mkgal1]

I read this article this morning and thought of you LBF. Do you think your husband may have a bit of the beliefs ingrained in him that are mentioned in the article (things like: "you suck it up through the pain, things have to get done")? Chronic pain and mental illness both are really misunderstood (I hope that's changing).

http://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/prince-did-not-die-from-pain-pills-he-died-from-chronic-pain/

Prince had a medical condition — chronic pain — which is criminally under-treated. It is also a medical problem that is more likely to be reacted to with stigma and condescension, even challenges about the patient’s moral character, or, if male, masculinity. Pain is still the condition that we treat by telling its sufferers to just “suck it up,” or “maintain a stiff upper lip,” or to stop acting like a “wuss.” And yet, when someone dies from complications of the disease — for that is what chronic pain is — we react with shock and pity and anger that the person died from a drug overdose.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

On sucking up the pain and working through it, hubby thinks that way for *himself,* but he doesn't hold me to it. He's no paragon of physical stamina either. In adolescence he was treated for scoliosis, and if you're looking closely enough, you're still going to see a curvature. He doesn't tell me when he's hurting, but wives learn to notice these things. He might take just an extra moment or two to straighten up after bending over, and sometimes he can't help letting a little wince or groan slip out, but he lives by the motto, "I gotta do what I gotta do." I think he finds personal fulfillment in being the provider and protector. (There, even as I was just now typing this, he got up from a chair, and there was a groan he didn't even try to keep secret. He's worn out. Yet he's leaving for an overtime shift in a few hours, and just picked up another one this morning.) At least he works sitting down, not standing, lifting and carrying, or anything like that. I told him I don't want him working himself into the ground. If he does that, we won't have him around to take care of us at all! He promises me it will only be for another couple of weeks, and then he'll slow down.

 

[98cwitr]

I feel for you. He's communicating in his own way, and not the best way, that he feels that he's carrying a heavy, uneven load for the family. While he certainly may be, you've done a good thing, in both action and word, communicating that you desire to lighten that load. I think he's trying to maintain and increase the traction of your efforts with his continuing comments, but I think with more action that will diminish. You all seem to be on the right track, just need more time, and he needs a bit more patience. God bless!

 

[Mudinyeri]

A couple things occur to me - some in light of your thread about your difficulty communicating with your husband.

1. Actions speak louder than words. Perhaps your recent actions have spoken loudly enough that your husband is hearing what you have been saying, verbally. As such, he's letting go of his "I guess I have to ...."

2. I'm betting that you and your husband have very little alone time with an adult daughter and nephew living with you. That may be a part of why you're struggling to communicate.

FWIW, I, too, struggle with chronic pain from an accident (mountain biking). Some days, I can run or ride for miles or lift relatively incredible amounts of weight. Other days, the pain is so excruciating that I can barely stand up straight. My personality is such that I usually just grit my teeth and do whatever needs to be done. Not everyone can do that. If your husband doesn't understand chronic, debilitating pain it may be difficult for him to understand why things get done some days but not others. So ... he's guessing ... today might be one of those days where he has to do the laundry, dishes, chores, etc.