@MARY/katerinah1947
Thank you, I feel like someone is listening to me and my pain.
I wish that I didn't have doubts. I wish I had faith and trust strong enough to move mountains. But I don't. It is not that I don't want to. I don't know how. No one has ever shown me
HOW to have that kind of faith.
How do you build faith and trust in God, when all you have seen is heartbreak and turmoil. It sounds blasphemous, but don't you have to
earn trust/faith? Why doesn't God have to earn it with me? I know, I know, how dare I say that! But that is how I feel. I don't know where to start in building a relationship, when I am so mad/disappointed in Him. My past is full of darkness and my future is looking none too bright. As I said before, I'm tired. I know I need help but I really can't afford it, plus I can't get away from feeling that more medical help is not trusting in God. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Someone please help me. Tell me how to get on your level. I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I'm tired. Please, please somebody, please...
Hi,
"When all you've seen is heartbreak and turmoil"
One way, is to talk to someone who is like you.
You are Christian, so am I.
I am Catholic, and for all intents and purposes, I am Baptist also. On both and all religions I see God, and not the mistakes or errors, of religions but God in all religions.
Read Proverbs, to get wiser.
Read Psalms to have God talk to you.
Also, just talk to Jesus from your heart, mind, terror, horror, sadness and give it all to Him, in words.
You, said this: "How do I get to your level?"
This is what happened to me, but remember, this means that this is what God had me do, and not really what I did, as God even gives faith.
The next big step in my life came when I did this. I gave up my free will in writing to God. Yes, I had already asked Jesus to take over my life, if He existed. I did not know if God was real or not, so I looked and looked. One day, the radio said: Do this or do not do this. Write on a piece of paper "From today on, I do the Will of God everywhere, always and in everything." They said maybe again, do this or do not do this. It was a Protestant Radio Station.
Clearly, I understood that to mean, that this is free will, and like all prayers no one is to be told of this, excepting in a conversation like this.
I wrote that, never ever knowing if it would be granted by God, or not. Tucked away it was. Forgotten it was.
Very much in those days, I was in that marriage prison, held captive, and by manipulations. I was even married by manipulations, and not ever wanting to be, to that person. I was in an economic prison. I was totally miserable. Years passed. Somehow, I found out God was Real. Somehow I proved the Bible is Real. Now, the Bible came first, then God, but that paper was written and forgotten about. Stiil, I lived a life for others, and love was no place in my life. Duty and Obligation and Responsibility was all there was. Love was not. I wanted it to be there. It was not.
Being Catholic, and it being a simple request from one close to God, the rosary became an unwanted, but a necessary responsibility. One a Day.
Time passed. A year after, but maybe before a whole year was completed, in saying the rosary daily, for the very first time an improvement started. I didn't notice.
One day after doing only the simple things God says in the Bible, A year after starting the Rosary, the one I didn't want to do, but did anyway out of Fear of God really, I came across some words on the Rosary, that I did not know existed.
Promises. There were promises connected with saying that. Also, it is said by others, in that Roman Catholic Church, that it is the entire Gospel, on beads. I read the first promise. It had come true, and it was not true prior to saying that each day for a year already. I then read the second promise. It too had come true. I think I stopped after reading promise four, and realized that the Rosary, like anything of God's Will for us on earth, that if I just do my part, God will do His part, even if it's to honor promises, the mother of Jesus, gave to mere mortals like us, with His Permission of course.
That started around the year 2000. My daughter was extricated nicely from a cult. She got away from that abusive spouse that I was in a so-called marriage with, later got a boy friend hand selected by God for her in a dream, that actually happened, etc, etc, etc.
Finally in 2008, I diagnosed my spouse with help, but with a severe form of something akin to anti-social-personality-disorder, and then had to divorce.
The divorce was brutal, as all that kind of person cares about, is money, and self, plus they told me, that for the first time in my life, I cannot dissmiss the possibility of being killed, as that type of condition, always has the possibility of me being killed in it, if money is involved. There was, God bailed me out there also, and that is a great deal too long to explain.
One day during or after the divorce was final, with even my crooked lawyer, my lawyer who was crooked to me, not my spouse, he said that he has never seen a tougher divorce, on day, a piece of paper was on the floor of my office cubicle space, and I was frozen, in inaction.
I could not go on as the next item in my life, was beyond my belief. The paper was there. I picked it up not knowing what it was. There was precisely no activity that would have resulted in any paper being on the floor.
After picking it up, I examined it. A small folded up paper it was. I opened it a little. Writing was on it. I opened it some more. It said: "From today on, I do the Will of God everywhere, always, and in everyting." It was the paper I had written years ago. God had answered that prayer. He took me up on my request. Then, I had enough belief to go on, as the task that stopped me in belief, was one for God. It was to do something for someone else, that was past my point of believing.
Yes, I did start in seventh grade, with a Psychotic while drunk father, that was intent one day, on making his life easier by killing me, my older brother, my younger brother, with only my mother to try and convince him not to.
The event was so traumatic, that I say it never ever happened. The only problem with that, is my mother said it did, and my brother said to me: "How can you not remember. You were there." Both of those brothers were there, and they tell me the same story my mother has always told me.
FORGETTING, ONE, Traumatic event, is always in PTSD, they told me.
On PTSD, my mother says, I have forgotten other things also, yet there is much I rememer too, just not that event.
It was in seventh grade or so, that I was asked if I believed in God. I said no, not without proof. 40 years later I had the proof, that was in the year 2000. Only after knowing the Bilble is Real on all the simple stuff that I can't get wrong, that God actually said or had said, was true, was I able to know God is real, and then at the age of 52 or so, did my life start to turn around. At age 60, I was out of that spousal prison. It was at age 52 or so I picked a church to match my Bible knowledge. It was later, I started saying that rosary. My life has slowly gotten better, and maybe for how traumatic it is, meaning how poor I am in God's view of things, with health, or because this was always supposed to be my life, that God was making difficult so I would be tested and turn to Him, thus finding Him, I don't know, but it has been possible, even when impossible, because of God, and The Bible, and the Rosary, and church.
I hope that is not too scattered a story. It is mine, and God even handled for me, the transgender issue, just not the way I would have thought. He also handled my lack of love issue. He really can and does handle all issues.
Do you know what God really asks each person, but has someone of His test, before you can advance one iota with God?
You have to pass the test, of your commitment to the best form of Absolute Honesty that you can achieve. It is only then that you will be rewarded, and until God's tester of this, is certain, you will not be rewarded.
Those rewards come in the form of knowledge of God, and understanding, and what humans, but God also, calls wisdom.
Until the tester is certain, you will get precisely no rewards, and you will feel like everything you do that is honest, merely hurts you, and has no benifits what so ever. Slowly if your commitment to honesty, absolute honesty is there, the rewards will come.
And in all of this, you will reach the level you are supposed to reach with God, not The Virgin Mary's level, not the Apostle Peter's level, not John The Baptist's level, but rather your own.
Here is a secret. You are so unique, and so is every one else, there is no possibility of jealosy, with any other person in heaven, either from you or from them. You are also wonderful. You are also beautiful. These things I have seen, when I was able to see souls. I can no longer do that, but I remember.
Beautiful, wonderful and so unique that no one can envy you, nor can you envy anyone else, this is the real you, that you are unaware of, this is your soul, this is you.
LOVE,
...Mary., .... .