I feel like God/Jesus hates me.

katerinah1947

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Hi,
I am sorry I wrote so fast. You are not the only person in the universe to have horrors in life, from birth to death, oft times even having Job's words of I curse the day I was born. It doesn't get easier for me really. Rather, God makes it possible to go on one more minute, to one more hour sometimes.
Do what you wish.
LOVE,
...Mary., .... .
 
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MissMeZone87

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Thank you, I feel like someone is listening to me and my pain.

I wish that I didn't have doubts. I wish I had faith and trust strong enough to move mountains. But I don't. It is not that I don't want to. I don't know how. No one has ever shown me HOW to have that kind of faith. How do you build faith and trust in God, when all you have seen is heartbreak and turmoil. It sounds blasphemous, but don't you have to earn trust/faith? Why doesn't God have to earn it with me? I know, I know, how dare I say that! But that is how I feel. I don't know where to start in building a relationship, when I am so mad/disappointed in Him. My past is full of darkness and my future is looking none too bright. As I said before, I'm tired. I know I need help but I really can't afford it, plus I can't get away from feeling that more medical help is not trusting in God. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Someone please help me. Tell me how to get on your level. I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I'm tired. Please, please somebody, please...
 
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katerinah1947

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Thank you, I feel like someone is listening to me and my pain.

I wish that I didn't have doubts. I wish I had faith and trust strong enough to move mountains. But I don't. It is not that I don't want to. I don't know how. No one has ever shown me HOW to have that kind of faith. How do you build faith and trust in God, when all you have seen is heartbreak and turmoil. It sounds blasphemous, but don't you have to earn trust/faith? Why doesn't God have to earn it with me? I know, I know, how dare I say that! But that is how I feel. I don't know where to start in building a relationship, when I am so mad/disappointed in Him. My past is full of darkness and my future is looking none too bright. As I said before, I'm tired. I know I need help but I really can't afford it, plus I can't get away from feeling that more medical help is not trusting in God. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Someone please help me. Tell me how to get on your level. I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I'm tired. Please, please somebody, please...

Hi,

"When all you've seen is heartbreak and turmoil"

One way, is to talk to someone who is like you.

You are Christian, so am I.

I am Catholic, and for all intents and purposes, I am Baptist also. On both and all religions I see God, and not the mistakes or errors, of religions but God in all religions.

Read Proverbs, to get wiser.
Read Psalms to have God talk to you.

Also, just talk to Jesus from your heart, mind, terror, horror, sadness and give it all to Him, in words.

You, said this: "How do I get to your level?"

This is what happened to me, but remember, this means that this is what God had me do, and not really what I did, as God even gives faith.

The next big step in my life came when I did this. I gave up my free will in writing to God. Yes, I had already asked Jesus to take over my life, if He existed. I did not know if God was real or not, so I looked and looked. One day, the radio said: Do this or do not do this. Write on a piece of paper "From today on, I do the Will of God everywhere, always and in everything." They said maybe again, do this or do not do this. It was a Protestant Radio Station.

Clearly, I understood that to mean, that this is free will, and like all prayers no one is to be told of this, excepting in a conversation like this.

I wrote that, never ever knowing if it would be granted by God, or not. Tucked away it was. Forgotten it was.

Very much in those days, I was in that marriage prison, held captive, and by manipulations. I was even married by manipulations, and not ever wanting to be, to that person. I was in an economic prison. I was totally miserable. Years passed. Somehow, I found out God was Real. Somehow I proved the Bible is Real. Now, the Bible came first, then God, but that paper was written and forgotten about. Stiil, I lived a life for others, and love was no place in my life. Duty and Obligation and Responsibility was all there was. Love was not. I wanted it to be there. It was not.

Being Catholic, and it being a simple request from one close to God, the rosary became an unwanted, but a necessary responsibility. One a Day.

Time passed. A year after, but maybe before a whole year was completed, in saying the rosary daily, for the very first time an improvement started. I didn't notice.

One day after doing only the simple things God says in the Bible, A year after starting the Rosary, the one I didn't want to do, but did anyway out of Fear of God really, I came across some words on the Rosary, that I did not know existed.

Promises. There were promises connected with saying that. Also, it is said by others, in that Roman Catholic Church, that it is the entire Gospel, on beads. I read the first promise. It had come true, and it was not true prior to saying that each day for a year already. I then read the second promise. It too had come true. I think I stopped after reading promise four, and realized that the Rosary, like anything of God's Will for us on earth, that if I just do my part, God will do His part, even if it's to honor promises, the mother of Jesus, gave to mere mortals like us, with His Permission of course.

That started around the year 2000. My daughter was extricated nicely from a cult. She got away from that abusive spouse that I was in a so-called marriage with, later got a boy friend hand selected by God for her in a dream, that actually happened, etc, etc, etc.

Finally in 2008, I diagnosed my spouse with help, but with a severe form of something akin to anti-social-personality-disorder, and then had to divorce.

The divorce was brutal, as all that kind of person cares about, is money, and self, plus they told me, that for the first time in my life, I cannot dissmiss the possibility of being killed, as that type of condition, always has the possibility of me being killed in it, if money is involved. There was, God bailed me out there also, and that is a great deal too long to explain.

One day during or after the divorce was final, with even my crooked lawyer, my lawyer who was crooked to me, not my spouse, he said that he has never seen a tougher divorce, on day, a piece of paper was on the floor of my office cubicle space, and I was frozen, in inaction.

I could not go on as the next item in my life, was beyond my belief. The paper was there. I picked it up not knowing what it was. There was precisely no activity that would have resulted in any paper being on the floor.

After picking it up, I examined it. A small folded up paper it was. I opened it a little. Writing was on it. I opened it some more. It said: "From today on, I do the Will of God everywhere, always, and in everyting." It was the paper I had written years ago. God had answered that prayer. He took me up on my request. Then, I had enough belief to go on, as the task that stopped me in belief, was one for God. It was to do something for someone else, that was past my point of believing.

Yes, I did start in seventh grade, with a Psychotic while drunk father, that was intent one day, on making his life easier by killing me, my older brother, my younger brother, with only my mother to try and convince him not to.

The event was so traumatic, that I say it never ever happened. The only problem with that, is my mother said it did, and my brother said to me: "How can you not remember. You were there." Both of those brothers were there, and they tell me the same story my mother has always told me.

FORGETTING, ONE, Traumatic event, is always in PTSD, they told me.

On PTSD, my mother says, I have forgotten other things also, yet there is much I rememer too, just not that event.

It was in seventh grade or so, that I was asked if I believed in God. I said no, not without proof. 40 years later I had the proof, that was in the year 2000. Only after knowing the Bilble is Real on all the simple stuff that I can't get wrong, that God actually said or had said, was true, was I able to know God is real, and then at the age of 52 or so, did my life start to turn around. At age 60, I was out of that spousal prison. It was at age 52 or so I picked a church to match my Bible knowledge. It was later, I started saying that rosary. My life has slowly gotten better, and maybe for how traumatic it is, meaning how poor I am in God's view of things, with health, or because this was always supposed to be my life, that God was making difficult so I would be tested and turn to Him, thus finding Him, I don't know, but it has been possible, even when impossible, because of God, and The Bible, and the Rosary, and church.

I hope that is not too scattered a story. It is mine, and God even handled for me, the transgender issue, just not the way I would have thought. He also handled my lack of love issue. He really can and does handle all issues.

Do you know what God really asks each person, but has someone of His test, before you can advance one iota with God?

You have to pass the test, of your commitment to the best form of Absolute Honesty that you can achieve. It is only then that you will be rewarded, and until God's tester of this, is certain, you will not be rewarded.

Those rewards come in the form of knowledge of God, and understanding, and what humans, but God also, calls wisdom.

Until the tester is certain, you will get precisely no rewards, and you will feel like everything you do that is honest, merely hurts you, and has no benifits what so ever. Slowly if your commitment to honesty, absolute honesty is there, the rewards will come.

And in all of this, you will reach the level you are supposed to reach with God, not The Virgin Mary's level, not the Apostle Peter's level, not John The Baptist's level, but rather your own.

Here is a secret. You are so unique, and so is every one else, there is no possibility of jealosy, with any other person in heaven, either from you or from them. You are also wonderful. You are also beautiful. These things I have seen, when I was able to see souls. I can no longer do that, but I remember.

Beautiful, wonderful and so unique that no one can envy you, nor can you envy anyone else, this is the real you, that you are unaware of, this is your soul, this is you.


LOVE,
...Mary., .... .
 
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katerinah1947

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Hi,
I am a little less panicked with you, now. Every clear statement God makes in the Bible is true. Even where God says, two I think, of Jobs friends were wrong. Then, what is there about them is wrong. It says the Devil lies. Then all things the Devil says are lies.
The Bible clearly says to pray always. It also says to thank God for your adversities, and your pleasures or blessings, what ever they are called.
I don't know how many Bibles you have at home, but you will really make your knowledge of God greater, and you will get to know Him better, thus getting closer to Him by reading that book a lot.
Really. Reading the Bible a lot, and for me trying to prove it wrong, to see if was true or not, made me read it very deeply, to. To actually see if that cult group was full of hot air, or correct.
What an adversity that was. Ten years later, I was done with that proof. The Bible stood up, not that everyone who has learned the Bible that way, did not already know what the outcome would be, but I didn't know. I needed to learn. That is how I learned, mostly***
When I thought I had proved something wrong, and oh yes it took many Bibles for me to know what I was talking about, and that it was not some translation issue, I then presented my proofs to a small group of acquaintances who knew the Bible. All my proofs failed. Then I went farther than that. I ran controlled experiments on items God had said in the Bible, to see whether God said them or not. Since, I didn't know, this was allowed by God. Since it was important and I still did not know if the Bible was real or not, this was allowed by God. At the time, God gave me zero indications that I should not be doing the work of seeing if the Bible is real or not by that method. But, I did not actually know if God was Real or not then, nor did I know if the Bible was real or not.
I ran five controlled experiments, and kept the testing and the results to myself, until all five controlled experiments were done. The Bible is Real because of all that work. And God is real to me, then, because of all that work.
He is Real to me still. The Bible is Real still. However I know them both better after all that work, was completed. In time I knew even more.
Your path with God is unique. Follow your path. That is what I was asked to do, by God, but I didn't know it at the time.
LOVE,
...Mary., .... .
 
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Nicole89

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Hey.
I am not sure what you went through, and are going through, but from the jist of it it sounds very similar to some of the things that I went through, or at least how I felt after. Just reading your text sounds so similar to how I once felt, etc. So much that it was almost a creepy out of body experience, like letters from my past self.

First thing is first, you are in so much pain right now. Before you were just working to survive, to get through it. Now the reality of the situation has hit you down to your core and you are dealing with the aftermath. You are allowing yourself to think more, to feel more. & you are angry.

That is natural.

It's important for you to know that. What you are feeling, what you are thinking, etc... it's normal. Don't think for a second that God doesn't understand that either. He understands, and although you may be very angry with Him, He loves you. I think maybe some small part of you still knows this, but it's hard.

I thought the same things and I wish someone would have told this to me. It's okay to feel spiritually exhausted & angry about what happened. Whether you knew it at the time or not, you were at war, just trying to survive. You did everything in your power to rely on God, to keep positive, to make it through. You did it! I feel like that deserves one heck of a recognition and applause. Now you are exhausted, because you just kicked butt at war. It's okay to rest. Know that it's okay to give yourself a break from the inner turmoil in healthy positive ways. You will slowly start to overcome this. I promise that this isn't the end for you. You may feel like God hates you and has betrayed you, but He has a bigger, better, plan for you in store.

Speaking mostly metaphorically, For me, once the abuse was over and I was in a physically safe place, I fell to my knees and wept for months. After I wept for a while (a year), I rose to one foot angry, feeling betrayed and in grief... not sure if I was going to make it. I was sure that the depression was going to take me out and it almost did. I was angry at God, even on a hospital bed where I had put myself. When the anger had eventually cleared. Then I started to slowly stand. In standing I started to realize through reaching out to others that I was becoming a much better person than I had ever been before. It wasn't that my old self was bad, but I noticed now that it needed improving.

I was becoming stronger. I started appreciating things that I would have never appreciated before. I was able to over come a lot of small things that would have once seemed like very big things to me at one point, and would have once taken me down. Now it was just a piece of cake. No big deal. I realized that by reaching out to other people that had gone through the same things that I had, that I wasn't alone. I started helping others and by helping them I found a purpose and reason for my pain, and all that I had gone through.

Once I saved a girl's life just by being there for her and understanding. I understood fully then just how beautiful my pain and experience was.

God's plan was bigger than me. I was put through so much that I wasn't sure if I was going to make it or ever have enough energy to enjoy life again. I get that is where you are. It's almost like nothing can get to you or reach you, and you are worried. It's okay. Just know that it won't always feel that way. Give yourself some credit and some time to get through this. Know that God is still there, and He understands.

Godbless
 
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Goodbook

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Ok...now hold on you looking at athiests and think they are happy and God blesses them??!

Um. We need to go back to basics...ask yourself, what do you believe Jesus did on the cross and what does that mean for you?

I have been in a dark place before and Jesus pulled me out. I was weary and he lifted me up. Call upon the Lord. He has a name and his name is Jesus.
 
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JCFantasy23

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It appears that you have depression along with PTSD. I suggest counseling and medical intervention so you can delight again in your relationship with the Lord.

Yes, if you are not receiving counseling or some help already, please do so. KimT is right.
 
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Emmy

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Dear MissMeZone87. God is Love, and where there is Love, hate cannot exist, and Jesus died for you as He died for all of us. Start proving your love for Jesus by following His loving advice to us. In Matthew 22: 35-40: Jesus tells us:
" The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like it: love thy neighbour as thyself. In verse 40, we are told: " on these two Commandments hang all the Law and the prophets." God wants our love, freely given and no conditions made. We prove our love by following Christ`s Commandments to Love God and love our neighbour: all we know and all we meet, friends and not friends.
We love, being kind and caring. God sees our loving efforts, and God will bless us.
The Bible tells us: " Repent and be Born Again," give up our old nature and start loving and caring and always friendly smiles. We might stumble and forget at times, but then we ask God to forgive us, and carry on loving and caring.
God`s Holy Spirit will help and guide us, and Jesus our Saviour will lead us all the way: JESUS IS THE WAY.
God is Love and Jesus died that we might live. Forget your feelings and believe the truth.
I say this with love, MissMeZone. Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.
 
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Godislove94

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I need some sincere help and direction. I went through a really traumatic experience for 2 years. I have PTSD from it. Going through this turmoil, I had so much faith! I prayed and talked to Him daily. I always kept telling myself that He would help me through. Nothing could shake my faith then.

This is strange that I had so much faith through the event, was removed from it and am now very apathetic.

Late last year, I was removed from this situation. Then afterwards, the doubts about God’s love for me started to creep in. I had some setbacks in life and I became literally furious with God/Jesus. I was so mad at Him, that it scared me. I have never been that mad with anyone before. I was thinking to myself, I have been through all of this in my life (the 2 year traumatic event), I prayed through it, and now You are just going to leave and forget about me? Really, God? I felt like as much as I held on through that, He could help me more. My reasoning was, You are doing this to me again after our relationship.

This year has been no different. I am not an atheist, I know God exists. However, I am apathetic toward Him now. Before my decline in faith, I repeatedly prayed and prayed and prayed for change. It seemed like it fell on death ears. There was no response. There is still no response. It has been almost a year since this traumatic experience ended and I am still in a troubling predicament. Granted my situation now is nowhere near the PTSD inducing trauma I went through, but still, I feel left out to dry.

My current thought process is: perhaps I was created by Him just to be hated. Much like, Judas, the Pharaoh in Egypt, Jezebel, and Goliath to name a few. I feel like He couldn’t possibly care less about me anymore, He hasn’t answered any prayers. I just cannot bring myself to talk to Him anymore. About what? He has made it loud and clear where He stands in my life. Nowhere. Yet, how could He create me and knowing that He would not love me? I don’t know or understand.

I spoke to other people of faith and they tell me to pray. Well, Biblically I cannot pray to Him if I have not faith in Him! That surely won’t work. And I surely have no faith or trust left.

What do I do?

*I promise I am not being snarky; however, Bible quotes aren’t helping. I know the Bible very well from my faith days. I was heavy into Biblical history, apologetics, archeology, devotions, discussion, etc.*
You have no idea how much relief this brings. Your post is exactly what I'm dealing with almost two years later.
 
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Far Side Of the Moon

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Perhaps the problem is not Gods failure to listen to you, but your failure to listen to Him. What does God owe you? What do you owe to God?
This is the worst thing to anyone," what does god owe you?" uh how about his promises? And this woman begged for help...so please stop.
 
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connie feijen

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I need some sincere help and direction. I went through a really traumatic experience for 2 years. I have PTSD from it. Going through this turmoil, I had so much faith! I prayed and talked to Him daily. I always kept telling myself that He would help me through. Nothing could shake my faith then.

This is strange that I had so much faith through the event, was removed from it and am now very apathetic.

Late last year, I was removed from this situation. Then afterwards, the doubts about God’s love for me started to creep in. I had some setbacks in life and I became literally furious with God/Jesus. I was so mad at Him, that it scared me. I have never been that mad with anyone before. I was thinking to myself, I have been through all of this in my life (the 2 year traumatic event), I prayed through it, and now You are just going to leave and forget about me? Really, God? I felt like as much as I held on through that, He could help me more. My reasoning was, You are doing this to me again after our relationship.

This year has been no different. I am not an atheist, I know God exists. However, I am apathetic toward Him now. Before my decline in faith, I repeatedly prayed and prayed and prayed for change. It seemed like it fell on death ears. There was no response. There is still no response. It has been almost a year since this traumatic experience ended and I am still in a troubling predicament. Granted my situation now is nowhere near the PTSD inducing trauma I went through, but still, I feel left out to dry.

My current thought process is: perhaps I was created by Him just to be hated. Much like, Judas, the Pharaoh in Egypt, Jezebel, and Goliath to name a few. I feel like He couldn’t possibly care less about me anymore, He hasn’t answered any prayers. I just cannot bring myself to talk to Him anymore. About what? He has made it loud and clear where He stands in my life. Nowhere. Yet, how could He create me and knowing that He would not love me? I don’t know or understand.

I spoke to other people of faith and they tell me to pray. Well, Biblically I cannot pray to Him if I have not faith in Him! That surely won’t work. And I surely have no faith or trust left.

What do I do?

*I promise I am not being snarky; however, Bible quotes aren’t helping. I know the Bible very well from my faith days. I was heavy into Biblical history, apologetics, archeology, devotions, discussion, etc.*
Go to girls ask guys. you find the answers and can ask questions. hope to see you there soon.
 
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