I need some sincere help and direction. I went through a really traumatic experience for 2 years. I have PTSD from it. Going through this turmoil, I had so much faith! I prayed and talked to Him daily. I always kept telling myself that He would help me through. Nothing could shake my faith then.
This is strange that I had so much faith through the event, was removed from it and am now very apathetic.
Late last year, I was removed from this situation. Then afterwards, the doubts about God’s love for me started to creep in. I had some setbacks in life and I became literally furious with God/Jesus. I was so mad at Him, that it scared me. I have never been that mad with anyone before. I was thinking to myself, I have been through all of this in my life (the 2 year traumatic event), I prayed through it, and now You are just going to leave and forget about me? Really, God? I felt like as much as I held on through that, He could help me more. My reasoning was, You are doing this to me again after our relationship.
This year has been no different. I am not an atheist, I know God exists. However, I am apathetic toward Him now. Before my decline in faith, I repeatedly prayed and prayed and prayed for change. It seemed like it fell on death ears. There was no response. There is still no response. It has been almost a year since this traumatic experience ended and I am still in a troubling predicament. Granted my situation now is nowhere near the PTSD inducing trauma I went through, but still, I feel left out to dry.
My current thought process is: perhaps I was created by Him just to be hated. Much like, Judas, the Pharaoh in Egypt, Jezebel, and Goliath to name a few. I feel like He couldn’t possibly care less about me anymore, He hasn’t answered any prayers. I just cannot bring myself to talk to Him anymore. About what? He has made it loud and clear where He stands in my life. Nowhere. Yet, how could He create me and knowing that He would not love me? I don’t know or understand.
I spoke to other people of faith and they tell me to pray. Well, Biblically I cannot pray to Him if I have not faith in Him! That surely won’t work. And I surely have no faith or trust left.
What do I do?
*I promise I am not being snarky; however, Bible quotes aren’t helping. I know the Bible very well from my faith days. I was heavy into Biblical history, apologetics, archeology, devotions, discussion, etc.*
Hi,
I am a PTSD veteran. Once I told God, that I was too old to be a soldier. A year and a half later, I was in the scariest engagement of my life. The point God made to me, is that you are never too old to be a soldier. I 67 years old.
By the way hate and love are two sides of the same coin. The coin is called caring. Hate as we humans define it, is what expectations we had in the other person were not met. That dissapointment is called hate. Love for humans is when our expectations are met.
The day I found out, how my PTSD, was handled by cops, and soldiers, and any and everyone who had this, it was a good day. I say, God set me up to learn this.
In general nice people see or go through trauma, and they are bright enough and have imaginations sufficient to understand the situation. Those nice people want to stay nice afterwards. Never have I found a person with PTSD, who is not nice before, and nice afterwards.
I will jump now, to the time when I put it all together that it is merely one older geezer with it, that talks to a newbie, but every 90 days, and he/she talks to the newbie in detail, about what cause their PTSD. Details help those with PTSD. Details are hurtful to those without PTSD.
Now, when Jesus is not in your life, He is. When you don't notice Him, He is still there. And now ask yourself this, was Jesus possibly nice? Did Jesus possibly see violence? Was Jesus nice after he saw violence? If He went through violence, was He nice afterwards?
Imagine the level of PTSD, that Jesus has.
Yet, you have been given some of that, and now you might understand Him a little bit better. Is that a bad thing? And would a person who loves you, want you to know them? Did Mary see violence? Did she not share what it feels like and then have to live the rest of her life on earth, with those effects?
The point for me with God, is never to give up, even if I have given up. It is to go back. In my case for you, it was at age 21, that after an armed robbery, one of only two of the more than 50 attempts that got through our defenses, in the South Side of Chicago, on 53rd and Kedzie Avenue, that we were no longer there. We were on vacation.
The lovely staff seemed to think it appropriate to stage a holdup on a train. "This is a stick up. Boom. Boom." The gun went off. In all of my standoffs, no guns were fired. This time the gun, went off and if I had one, he would have been in trouble, but now instinctively, from me, and the other three of us.
It was not a good day. A year or so later they stopped the practice, when a police officer like me, and like the other three of us, who have been through even the Chicago Race Riots, when we were told to open carry our weapons then, he almost killed the actor. I was told they stopped staging that kind of event, for the flash backs in some of us.
For me it is more than weapons, and God is on your side, trust Him. It is many things, some of which are much too vile to put here on the open forum, as details are only shared with those who have gone through trauma, as it heals them a little, and hurts others, as I have already said.
PTSD, makes you a parent to all other people who might be hurt like you were. You will get involved without knowing it, whenever an innocent person is being victimized like you were. That is your and every PTSD, person's benefit to society until you get old and die. It is always there.
Yes, it never goes away. Yes, you will never be the same. Yes, you are hyper aware of your surroundings. Yes there are certain things you cannot do anymore. But, you and people like you, are loved by God, and very much.
God is not my servant. If He was, I sure I would have messed up the world and everyone's life with my ideas on what is good and what is not.
I work for God, and all of us do. You for the rest of your life, are a Reluctant (never volunteered for the service you are in) Warrior (Fight for what is right and just, especially in your specialty now, which is in the way you were hurt), for others to keep them from becoming you.
Now, vicariously, in ways you can no longer live, watch others who can be that, who can live like that, for ones like you make their life possible. Your sacrifice of your innocence, is protecting others, while you hurt.
Do, you see that? Do you possibly see that is what Jesus did? If, so do you think a God, would hate you, who allowed you to be like His Son, in any way? Yes, it hurts. Yes it is hard. Those who are like you in PTSD, are the soldiers, the policemen, the nurses, the raped, the verbally abused, the enslaved, who were nice to begin with and want to stay that way. You have much company, but it will take time for you to understand.
A woman in Napolean's time, who wrote Corrine, or a title like that, handled things and Napolean in this way. No, she and Napolean did not get along. Napolean though told people, that she teaches people to think, who have never thought, and she reminds people how to think, who have forgotten how to think.
This is her phrase from back then, in one of her books. "To understand all, is to forgive all." That is not from God, so know this. It is not like Proverbs which imparts wisdom, by God making sure His words have the correct effect on people, in time. Yet, it is a very useful tool to handle what you have been through. Seek to understand. It might help you.
One day, a raped girl years later and I interfaced. I was in a room. All the other patients there had left. (I was essentially almost raped, even though in a male body, but I am also transgendered, so my feelings have always been those of a female, and I have always acted like one, even when I tried not to.) There were only three of us there. I have not idea why she stayed behind.
She told us why she was there. "I don't know what happens. In June I get depressed." (She self admits herself into the minimum security section of the Psychiatric Hospital in town, each year at this time.) "It is not winter, so it is not Seasonal Adjustment Disorder. The only thing I can think of is my uncle raped me in that month, when I was 16." Your life ended, Your sexual life ended, You were frozen in that age sexually. She just stared at me. I went on. You have PTSD. (I guessed.) Something like that happened to me, and I am frozen sexually. I have never matured. I am frozen at that age. A friend of mine one day.....(I then shared a story with details, of friends and what they went through. I finished with, you feel bettter now, and you don't know why. Or, your relationships will be better and youi won't know why. )
She left. I left. The Psychiatric Technician I was with, said she did not understand, what I had done. The next day, that patient left all smiles. She was number two like that. A boy with who only fought drug dealers, was screwed up that way. He left the next day also, in smiles, from a catatonic state, just the day before.
Today, they teach PTSD, from one with it to a newbie, just like that. They also tell everyone, you can be a soldier, and you can have never served in combat, and you both can have PTSD.
Now, on God, normally, no matter how difficult it is, just keep going through the motions, until you understand God better. And, the timing and what you are learning, is in God's hands.
Plus, if you think God actually hates you, that is wonderful to me, as I know what that means.
It means God loves you in the extreme.
LOVE,
...Mary., .... .
