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I feel like God hates me

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by TexasBluebonnet, Jun 6, 2008.

  1. TexasBluebonnet

    TexasBluebonnet This world has nothing for me...

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    Okay, here's my deal here, and I'm pretty scared to post this because I'm supposed to be a "Christian". But the thing is, I don't know if I am a Christian. I feel...well lately anyway that God hates me. There, I've said it. I know to some, that will sound insane, but it's how I really feel. I feel like my life is this great, big, cosmic joke. Like I was created without a purpose, that God spared my life from being aborted (like my sister was about a year and half before I was born), but just plopped me on the earth and said, "You're on your own now." I've been feeling that lately. Like I was created without any talent, skills, intelligence. I feel stupid, and hopeless, and purposeless. I've prayed and prayed that God would tell me what my purpose is, why I'm here, why I was spared when my sister died, but...nothing. I've gotten nothing but silence on the matter. I don't understand why God would hate me so much as to not answer my prayers. I guess I've kinda been angry too. I pray, and pray, but nothing changes. It's like God's not there. Well not for me anyway. I've been through a lot in the last few years, so I have no idea if that's part of my problem or not. I know I'm not totally blameless (if at all). I have committed sins. But the thing is, I don't care. I don't feel remorse or bad for anything I've done. I've only ever asked forgiveness because it was what I knew I should do, not because I was being eaten away with guilt. I don't understand why I don't feel bad for my sin. I would sin, ask forgiveness, then go along my merry way. I know that's not normal. I should feel bad, but I don't. Which makes me wonder, if a) I'm really a Christian and b) if I haven't sinned so much that God has washed his hands of me. But to be honest, I don't feel much of anything. Not love for those around me, not love for God, not remorse for sin, nothing. I don't understand why. I know that there has to be something wrong with me, but..I don't know how to fix it.

    I'm pretty sure that God has turned his back on me. I mean, I feel so hollow, and when I pray it's like no one is there. I don’t even know what true repentance is. Or how to feel it. Can a person sin so much that God no longer saves this person from hell? If so, it would have been better that I died like my sister, instead of God keeping me a secret for seven months. The way my mom found out was she was in a car accident and in the course of examining her, the doctor discovered she was pregnant. I've suspected for a long time that if my parents had have known about me sooner I would have been aborted, but it wasn’t until last year, that I had that confirmed. But what I don't understand is, why save a life only to do nothing with it? I'm not particularly good at anything, I'm not all that talented, or smart. I'm pretty though, I guess that's one plus. I just feel that no matter what, I'm going to hell, that God stopped caring about me, and that I'm better off dead. I just don’t get it why I would get to live if this was going to be my life. Nothing makes sense to me, especially a story my mom told me once. I don’t remember this because I was only a year old, but she said that she was leaving church one night and some woman came up to her with a message from God about me. She said, "Don't crush her, she's special." Well, how can that be if God's turned his back on me? I want to be repentant, I want to be the good little Christian, to do the right thing, but I'm not. I'm not a good person. I'm angry, and self-pitying, and doubtful, and fearful (of everything). I pray, and pray, and pray but nothing happens. God doesn't speak to me. I really feel that God has abandoned me, given up, or something. I'm not even sure what I want to come of this. I guess subconsciously I want someone to say it's never too late. Because for some reason, the idea that God hates me is very depressing, and I guess I just need to hear that I'm crazy or something for thinking these things.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2008
  2. Missyjojo88

    Missyjojo88 Regular Member

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    I think you are indeed special from what I have read. I feel the way you describe in this post sometimes, but I think sometimes when we are caught up in our negativity God tends to back off to let us cool down a bit. Sometimes our negative mindset may be blocking us from hearing God. Its during this time you need to be still because everything seem to be chaotic and you wont be able to hear God with so many voices going off in your head.

    I realize that God draws close when you draw close to him. I know you feel guilty about sinning and all that, but your going to have to put that to the side and focus on spending time in God's word and prayer. Practice praising even when things are going bad. Your going to have to trust me on this when I say put the guilt to the side. Its not going to do you any good at this moment. Your going to have to do the following pray, read the bible, and praise him everyday. Don't worry if you slack off sometimes, but do these things frequently.

    Also if you don't hear from God immediately its okay. He just needs to see you are spending time with him and putting him first in your life. Remember God draws close to you if you draw close to him. Reading the scripture and prayer are the only ways you are going to get to know God and understand what he is expecting from you. During these times you spend with him he will reveal your destiny to you.

    So begins your journey where you will start to sense closeness to God and your spiritual eyes and ears will be filtered so that you will know when God speaks to you. Primary God will speak to you through the scriptures and then through other means like dreams, visions, prophetic word, messengers, etc. Its a process and you need to be patient. Even if you sin, don't stop spending time with God. God needs to know that you are willing to put the time and effort in your relationship with him.

    You have demonic spirits trying to prevent you from being close to God because they know that God has big plans for you. So the more you remain in your gloominess, guilt, and doubt the more your stalling your destiny. The only way to know your destiny is through intimate time with God. There is no other way or shortcut. Also know that God knows what your going through and doesn't stop loving you because of your sin. You have to trust God, but you have to put in the effort. When he starts to reveal things to you and it will all be worth it. God loves you, stay still before him. Spend time getting to know him and he will show you why he didn't want the enemy to destroy you. You have call on your life the enemy wants to keep you from accomplishing. God Bless you.
     
  3. dodolah

    dodolah Regular Member

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    See my answer in red:
    Before you read my answer, please read it with an open mind. I apologize if i offended you in advance. I rarely speak with such heavy convictions... But there is a huge urge in my spirit to do this.
    I felt that I need to speak to you in truth. Not masquerade by sweet talks and all. Do understand that this is not a judgment nor condemnation, but rather simply what I felt like the Lord asked me to do. Some of my answer will be harsh. This is, again, not because i looked down on you or anything. But, rather I felt in my spirit that it's necessary for you to hear.

    Let's not begin with "you don't know me" mentality.
    I have my own messed up life. Trust me, I understood the feeling of almost being aborted. If God can work wonders in my life, so can HE for yours.
    I suggest you pray for an open mind and an open heart be4 reading any further:


     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2008
  4. Onlythingavailable

    Onlythingavailable Senior Veteran

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    I agree with Missyjojo88, keep drawing closer to God no matter how you feel. We can't change how we feel, we can't flick a switch and feel as we want. You might not feel guilt as you want to, but that doesn't mean you aren't repentant. You yourself said you don't want to keep on sinning, isn't that true repentance?

    It's no wonder you feel unappreciated. Knowing that your parents would've had you aborted must be terrible. That doesn't change your value, though, and as Missyjojo88 said, your ARE special. You are a creation of God, and you don't need to do anything to justify your existence. God thought you were worth creating, so don't let anyone or anything tell you otherwise.

    You're being way too hard on yourself. Ask God to show you how He views you. I think you will be pleasantly surprised, because He loves you dearly.
     
  5. drich0150

    drich0150 Regular Member

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    I'm not one to contradict a direct message from God, but if you would allow a fool his two cents. If you don't feel God's love or presents it's easy to confuse his absents for hate. When we generally hate someone one of the things we do is "cut them off." and you feeling cut off maybe alittle confusing. But know like any kind of pain although it hurts it's design is well intentioned. If something hurts our natural instinct is to get away from it. physical or other wise as to not cause further damage. This pain your experience is telling you, you need to distance yourself from your current life style, or what you call "christianity."

    I don't think there is a need for me to cut and paste your statements for all of the reasons i think there is a wedge between you and God right now. You obviously know there is one. Also know God didn't put it there.

    You made a statement that questioned your Christianity. This is a good question. I can't say for sure, if you are saved or not, that is between you and God. If you want to know for sure lets take a quick look at what the bible says are the indicators of a "relationship."

    When we are with God we are baptized with the spirit (not on the out side with water, but on the inside with the spirit) The word baptize means to be submerged. In this case you are to be submerged with the Holy Spirit of God.
    How will you know when you have the Spirit? Lets look at Gal 5:22 The fruits of the spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and self control.

    The bible in several different places compares us to fruit bearing trees/vines, something like: A fig tree cannot produce limes, or a thorn bush can not produce fried chicken. And even if we are truly a fig tree and still don't produce fruit then we are to be cut down and thrown into the fire. Because what is a fig tree that doesn't produce figs? It is a fig tree in NAME only.

    So what's the difference between a fig tree and a "Christian' in name only? Nothing. It is very possible to live your whole life as a "Christian" and never know God. There is a big difference between "Relationship" with God and being a Christian. This is why Jesus will say something like this on that last day. There will be those who cry out "Lord Lord" didn't we preform many signs and wonders in your name? and he will reply truly I say to you, I never knew you. The people who cry out think they are Christians. Jesus's reply proves they never had that relationship.

    So how do you start a relationship if you realize you don't have any of the "fruits" of the spirit, or that in your life you haven't been producing "Spiritual fruit of your own"

    In luke after Jesus teaches us how to Pray the Lord's Prayer he tells of a man who came to his neighbor in the middle of the night looking for some bread to feed some late guests. The neighbor told him to Go away, but the man kept knocking and short story even shorter, the neighbor gave the persistent man what he wanted. Jesus said, Ask, Seek and knock. be persistent. Look for these good gifts with all of your Heart, Mind and Spirit, and god will give them to you.

    If we can give good gifts to our children, then how much more is God will to give the "Gift" of the Holy Spirit to us when we truly ask of it? If you want God. This course of action will Give you God if you put everything into it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2008
  6. TexasBluebonnet

    TexasBluebonnet This world has nothing for me...

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    Well first of all, I'm surprisingly not offended. I'm still scratching my head as to why. I mean, usually when people say I hope you're not offended, you usually are. Not to trash the other replies or anything, but I think your's was the one that stood out the most. I've given your post a lot of thought. I'm usually skeptical about things like this, so it's kind of hard for me to say this, but I do believe you were right on with what you said. I mean, reading what you had to say...well it kind of seemed as if you saw through my words. I know it wasn't all you, that it was God, but still it really got my attention. I will admit that I've been wallowing in self pity, and guilt, and anger, and all. I'm honestly not surprised that this is my fault. I mean, who's else was it, if not mine? I hate like sounding like such a whiny crybaby, but I wanted to be honest with how I was feeling no matter how lame it sounded. I almost deleted my op permanently , because I thought it sounded ridiculous. But because I've been struggling with this, and I really wanted help, I put it back up. You posted the help I needed.

    I see how selfish, and self-centered I've been. But I am curious about a few things. What did you mean about I reject God's forgiveness? That really surprised me. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with feeling bad over sin, but what is true repentance then? What does it look like? How does it happen? I'm not exactly sure what things I need to give up. I think I know, but I'm not sure. If you could help in sorting that out you can PM me (if you want, that is). Like I said, I think I know what you mean, but...I guess I don't trust myself that I have the right answer. What did you mean about being willing to grow up? Could you further elaborate? I think that what you had to say, was things that I needed to hear. I wasn't looking for the easy answer, or the one that sounded the nicest. If I needed to hear, "Stop wallowing, and get over it," that's what I wanted. All I wanted was the truth, and you gave it to me. So, thank you. I hope you don't mind my questions. I just want to know more about what you're talking about.

    P.S. It did seem as if you knew me and my situation. Thanks again for your help.

    Hi. I don't want to word this in a way that sounds argumenitive or anything, but I was wondering if you could further explain this. What kinds of things, or life styles could this mean? I've been thinking along the same lines weeks ago, so for you to post this is almost like you're reading my mind or something. I know one thing that's changed and it's that I had been in the habit of listening to Christian radio. All day in fact. The past month or so (maybe longer) I haven't. For one thing my mom broke her arm and I've been helping her out, and it just sort of slipped by me. This particular radio station airs sermons from various pastors during a large part of it's daytime schedule. I had been listening to that on a regular basis. I was thinking about it last night, and it seemed that when I stopped...well I guess that's when all of this began to start. Am I on to something?

    Please don't think I'm being purposefully dense. I'm here for help, and for answers and you both have really helped me a lot already. Thanks for the truth, and for your posts. I'm hoping you won't mind me asking more questions, and that you won't mind giving me more help. Thanks.
     
  7. drich0150

    drich0150 Regular Member

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    There isn't any kind of mind reading here. You mentioned your doubts and misgivings in such a way as to lead me to believe that your relationship with God may not be where it could be. And, because you've listed these misgivings here it would seem you want help to set things right. So no matter how "self centered" your way of reaching out was, it seems to be an Honest close to the heart attempt to seek help.

    With that in mind i made the comment or suggested for life style change or to Change what your version of christianity was, because it was evident to me in what you wrote (As heart felt as it was) you lack some of the core elements of the spirit. Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and self control.

    As far as listening to Christian Radio, that can be a really good place to start. But when you truly seek a relationship with god you must seek him with everything you have. Kinda like if had a child and it was lost for some reason. You would urgently search for him right? turn over every stone that sort of thing.. The same diligences is due to properly seek the lord. In your quest also learn to praise him in song and in your deeds. seek to learn how to have an open dialog with him. Don't stop after service on Sunday. make him apart of you life. much like if you were trying to find someone to marry. In your search for a mate you can't speak to them once or twice a week, or maybe stop there house once a week for a few hours, and then forget about them until next week. We put more effort into someone who we hope to spend 40 or 50 years with (If everything goes to plan) than we do with the one we want to spend eternity with.

    now speaking on when your troubles started. Let just say if you were where the enemy wanted you to be, a Christian in name only. and then you started seeking God wouldn't it benefit him if he made it painful to you everytime you tried to get closer to God? So as to discourage your efforts, and or maybe have you give up all together. One of "his" tools is to have you "feel" unloved or unhappy with your relationship, basically the opposite of how the Spirit would have you feel. This is why the condition of you heart is so important. Even if it's alittle clouded with self interest. If your heart is true, then God can and will work with the rest. Just remember to keep knocking.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2008
  8. TexasBluebonnet

    TexasBluebonnet This world has nothing for me...

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    You know, that is so right. It's so obvious in fact, that it didn't click till now. See, I'm not good with perservering in a "relationship". If things get bad, I tend to give up. Your anaology really cleared that up for me, and it made a lot of sense. I noticed though that I stopped trying to read the Bible because I had been listening to the radio so much. I know that there are things in my life that have to change. I just don't know what, or where to start. I feel like I need a major life overhaul. I just wish it were like clearing out a room. I mean, I can grasp things like "spring cleaning". The clutter you can see and all. But this? This is harder. I don't know what "spiritual clutter" I have, so I don't know what to "trash". Yeah, I really do want help. I think though that I've been acting like a spoiled child to some extent. Not putting myself down or anything, just trying to be honest. I guess what I need to do is just pray. Pray that God reveals what needs to go, and what can stay, or what I should start doing. Thanks for the help, and if you have anything else to offer I'd be open to hearing it. I want all the help I can get. Thanks again.
     
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  9. tturt

    tturt Senior Veteran

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    Suggest reading "Purpose Driven Life."

    I know we all need to work on renewing our minds. So when the thoughts come about not having a purpose, etc. replace them with scriptures. When Christ Jesus was tempted, He said, "It is written." So we need to use scriptures such as " (Psalms 37:23-24 NKJV) The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, And He delights in his way" and 1 Peter 2:9-10 NKJV) But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;"

    Watch "The Passion of Christ" or rewatch it - He loves you that much!

    "Jer 31:3 The LORD hath appeared of old unto me, saying, Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love: therefore with lovingkindness have I drawn thee."
     
  10. dodolah

    dodolah Regular Member

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    I'm glad that all the posts helped you in a way.
    I also glad that you are able to accept what we have to say with an open mind. Please see my answer below in red:


    I'm glad.. God Bless you.
    and He loves you. and That's for sure!
     
  11. YourChild

    YourChild Guest

    First of all, God will not turn away from anyone who is seeking after Him so if you're not hearing from Him at all then that would mean you're not really seeking after Him or something is hindering you from hearing from Him. Coming to God is not a quick "hi bye see you later" kind of thing...

    Repentance is not "I'm sorry" then walk off and going back to that sin as if it was no big deal...you've got to grasp the fact that here is the King of the Universe, your Creator, came down to earth, and was nailed to the Cross because He loves you that much...if any Christian is to love God then he/she can't possibly look at the Gospel of Jesus Christ without tears coming out of their eyes...its got to really cause your heart to ache to see your own God hanging on that cross.

    How much fun will sinning seem to you once you have grasp this truth? It should be incomparable to our love for Him.

    Don't get me wrong, I have fallen into sin at times - ie. someone really annoying says something out of line and causes me to be angry at the person...my sin would be my temper with that person...but I dont purposely and carelessly dive into sin.

    The other thing is about prayer...when you pray, talk to God as if He was directly on the phone with you...be real and be gentle with Him ...in your tone, your mood, your attitude...God is very personal - know that He is listening closely to what you say to Him.
     
  12. gabrielListens

    gabrielListens eagles fly alone

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    11 “Why wasn’t I born dead?
    Why didn’t I die as I came from the womb?
    12 Why was I laid on my mother’s lap?
    Why did she nurse me at her breasts?
    13 Had I died at birth, I would now be at peace.
    I would be asleep and at rest.
    14 I would rest with the world’s kings and prime ministers,
    whose great buildings now lie in ruins.
    15 I would rest with princes, rich in gold,
    whose palaces were filled with silver.
    16 Why wasn’t I buried like a stillborn child,
    like a baby who never lives to see the light?
    17 For in death the wicked cause no trouble,
    and the weary are at rest.
    18 Even captives are at ease in death,
    with no guards to curse them.
    19 Rich and poor are both there,
    and the slave is free from his master.
    20 “Oh, why give light to those in misery,
    and life to those who are bitter?
    21 They long for death, and it won’t come.
    They search for death more eagerly than for hidden treasure.
    22 They’re filled with joy when they finally die,
    and rejoice when they find the grave.
    23 Why is life given to those with no future,
    those God has surrounded with difficulties?
    24 I cannot eat for sighing;
    my groans pour out like water.
    25 What I always feared has happened to me.
    What I dreaded has come true.
    26 I have no peace, no quietness.
    I have no rest; only trouble comes.”

    Job 3:11-26

    Texasbluebonnet,
    I have prayed that the Lord answer you quickly and come to your aid. Praise to you Lord Jesus Christ! Please show her a sign of God's love and God's goodness and break her free of that sadness and pain. I ask this in your holy name, Christ Jesus. Amen.
     
  13. TexasBluebonnet

    TexasBluebonnet This world has nothing for me...

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    I think...that if I had a better understanding of what holiness is and how holy God is to begin with I think my feelings toward sin and my sin would be different. I'm going to try and study that if I can. I'd like some input on how to go about it, if you don't mind. Thanks for the posts and all. They have been helpful. I found though, that just talking about how I've been feeling has really...freed me in a way I guess. I don't feel like it's the big, bad monster in my closet or under my bed anymore. It's lost a lot of its scarriness.

    GL, :hug: thanks for praying for me. That scripture you posted sounded a lot like how I've felt before. I could really relate to those words. Thanks for reaching out and for caring. :hug:
     
  14. gabrielListens

    gabrielListens eagles fly alone

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    You're very welcome. God bless you, and expect a big blessing because I know that one is coming your way.
     
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