I'm 17 and I've been raised in a Christian household. I've been going to church for a while, but grew to resent it, so I haven't been going. I'm a logical person and enjoy sciences, and after looking into all the religious things, they just don't seem like they're real. The bible could just be made up by some loon, Jesus may not have even existed, God might not exist. It could all just be some fairytale. Where is the proof?. My mother is very religious and brigs up religion in every conversation we have and it's irritating and makes me question everything she says. I keep getting this feeling and a pang of realisation that I don't think i believe in God anymore. I really really want to with every fibre of my being, so much it hurts, and Im searching for a reason to, but I just can't find it. I keep praying and asking for a sign, but nothing comes. I'm so close to being done with it and just becoming agnostic, but I know that's crush my mum and I'd be the defect of the family. Please help me, I just want my faith back the way it was before. I'm only 17 so I can't fly to some sermon or watch a spiritual healing in Africa or any of that. Thanks.
I think as we grow up we can grow out of religious and personal beliefs that were once unquestioned, instrumental parts of our daily routine and way of life. As children most of us simply become a Christian, a Jew, an atheist, a Muslim, or so forth because that is what our families are, and that is what we are trained to be. We learn the tenets of the faith, and our cultures can influence and shape us. But mature faith isn't something that you inherit from your parents or gain through cultural osmosis. It is personal. And it is something that you can build within your own heart based on how you respond to the Bible, how you are guided into understanding of it, and what you truly believe. You don't have to abandon your Christianity just because it does not fit within the molds of your mother's religion or the dogma you've been taught at your church. Her faith is hers. Yours is yours. And you can grow and expand.
You do not need to abandon your logic or dim your enthusiasm for science in order to be a Christian.
One of the most prominent scientists of modern times is also an evangelical Christian. Dr. Francis Collins is a physician-geneticist who was appointed by President Obama to be the director of the National Institutes of Health. Prior to that role he was the leader of the Human Genome Project, which is the world's largest collaborative biological project to map out and identify all the genes of the human genome. His discovery of disease genes has been revolutionary in the field of medicine advancement. His beliefs as an adult are not what they were as a child. He grew up as a happy and content atheist with kind and lively parents he described as hippies before the era of hippies. In his late 20s as a physician he was perplexed and touched by the profound faith of some of his patients who had such a peace even in pain. It started him on his own journey towards Christianity. He also is a logical-minded, evidence-driven person, and it was in studying science that he felt more confident in the existence of God. He said:
Will we turn our backs on science because it is perceived as a threat to God, abandoning all the promise of advancing our understanding of nature and applying that to the alleviation of suffering and the betterment of humankind? Alternatively, will we turn our backs on faith, concluding that science has rendered the spiritual life no longer necessary, and that traditional religious symbols can now be replaced by engravings of the double helix on our alters?
Both of these choices are profoundly dangerous. Both deny truth. Both will diminish the nobility of humankind. Both will be devastating to our future. And both are unnecessary. The God of the Bible is also the God of the genome. He can be worshipped in the cathedral or in the laboratory. His creation is majestic, awesome, intricate and beautiful - and it cannot be at war with itself. Only we imperfect humans can start such battles. And only we can end them.
― Francis S. Collins, The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief
He's written several books presenting what he believes is evidence for God as well as one titled Belief about faith. There are several YouTube videos from the Veritas Forum which hosts conversations about faith and science on college campuses.
It's not at all unusual for teens and young adults to have religious beliefs that clash with their parents. I used to write an advice column for my school's online newspaper, and it then sort of evolved into an Ask.Fm page where anyone can ask me questions. I get so many about conflicts regarding religion. It seems like those who have developed this rhythm of respecting but not personally accepting their parents's beliefs have the most harmony and peace with them. You don't need to tell your mom about your agnosticism or your disagreements unless you feel the need. Some friends have "come out" as atheists or humanist, or converted to another faith, while others have simply keep their personal religious beliefs private due to sensitivities in the family. You don't have to agree with someone to have an agreeable relationship with her.
I think many Christians grapple with doubt and feel the light of faith flicker out within them. Doubt is natural and often a natural byproduct of introspective thinking and reason. It's something I think you can still have to an extent while carrying on with faith. You don't need to do anything bold or substantial. Romans 10:17 tells us that "faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ." Even if you don't feel faith, even if you doubt Christ's divinity, you can put Christ's words into action. They have been praised by Deists and nonbelievers throughout the ages as being a profound philosophy for life, a guide. For me, diving back into the words of Christ and trying my best to live them has rebuilt my faith when it's been weakened. Hopefully it will gradually help to rekindle your faith as well.
I hope this is helpful to you. I wish I had written a response and reached out to you sooner. This is a little-used section of the site and I don't pop into it that often.
God bless you!