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I dont feel worthy

Discussion in 'Personality Disorders' started by bizket, Nov 24, 2009.

  1. bizket

    bizket Newbie

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    Why is it that I dont feel like I will every be "good enough" for God to love me and accept me. I suffer from BPD along with PTSD, depression and possibly bipolar. I struggle with this day in and day out. I could put my whole story of who my birth mom stabbed me at 28 months, then I went from foster home to foster home then was adopted by a narcissitic mother. I am falling apart. I have had the therapy, DBT, quit self injury etc. I still struggle with all these feelings. I wake up daily and most of the times I have nightmares but I dont remember them. I have this sense of terror and sadness from being rejected over and over from certain family members.

    I tried to quit smoking for the 100th time yesterday and failed miserably again therefore I feel like I am never good enough for God. So he wont except me into heaven.

    I try my best to be a good mother but I always feel like I am not good enough. My son has speech problems (he is 32 months). I am always so hard on myself.

    Am I thinking in Black and White thinking towards God....What is going on. Please someone help. I am falling apart. I see a counselor once a week but its not helping much. I dont have any money to see an expert counselor or christian counselor. I brought up a few things at church but then I feel ashamed to talk about all that goes on.

    I feel sick and disgusted with myself that I will never be clean enough for God. I know that we are saved by Grace but I feel like I lack that "self control" fruit.

    What does God think about this. Its so hard to accept a Loving God and not even be able to love yourself or feel that anyone loves you.

    I feel trapped. Alone...scared. I need to be stronger for my son, my husband is sick of me.

    I almost feel just the label BPD is so negative in itself. I dont want to be this way. I wanted a healing. I asked the church numerous times to be healed from this.

    What else am I to do. I feel so worthless and depression is getting worse and the meds dont seem to help much. I thought about trying the codependents anymous group again as I seemed to get quit a bit of insight from that.

    Sometimes I doubt my salvation as real because of all this suffering. I need some help here. I know in my heart that Jesus loves me its my constant thinking here that is getting in the way.

    I guess to sum it up I feel unworthy and unclean to enter God's holy kingdom. I love him with all my heart, soul, mind but controlling these things is a hard battle that I deal with on a daily basis.

    Sorry so long. Please anyone any insight. I feel so alone in this fight.

    Sorry just had to add this but the "low sodium" stuff is outrageously priced we have a "whole foods market" about 40 minute aways and everything is triple the cost of regular stuff. His doctors make it sound so easy but the have the money! A jar of low sodium spaghetti sauce is easily 3-4 dollars. I mean we are literally eating twice a week at church dinners already just to save money

    Urgh so frustrated...?

    Mel
     
    Last edited: Dec 1, 2009
  2. madison1101

    madison1101 Senior Veteran

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    You sound a lot like I used to sound, when I was younger and early in therapy. BPD is horrific in causing me to feel as though I have no identity, except a garbage identity.

    What has helped me tremendously, so much so that I have been able to rid myself of that diagnosis, is a mentoring relationship with ONE Christian woman, in whom I confided everything. She guides me in my relationship with the Lord, helping me to realize his LOVE and GRACE. She guides me in studying the Lord and being accountable for reading and praying.

    Stop looking at your behavior. Nobody is perfect, except Christ.

    Some excellent books that have helped me along the way are "Get Out of That Pit" by Beth Moore. Actually, anything by Beth Moore. Also, anything by Stormie O'Martian. Start with the Pit book by Moore though.

    Also, get yourself involved in a women's Bible study, and pray that the Lord would show you His love and grace in tangible ways.

    Make a gratitude list daily, and keep making it longer everyday. Thank Him for the little things, not just the big things.

    Trish
     
  3. spazlegs

    spazlegs Junior Member

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    Hi there dear one. I have subclinical emotional disregulation disorder. That's what I call it. The doctors haven't said it rises to the level they can call it that, but it sure does fit me well. The borderline thing just bothers me you know? I keep hearing the old song that goes, 'one toke over the borderline' everytime I hear the words.

    I used to have a real problem with abandonment issues, but God's done a lot of work with me on that. And the emotional popoffs, I deal with them now by getting up and walking away muttering under my breath and just not talking for a while. The black and white thinking is still there, but I reason to myself about God's grace and I'm better. I also remember that no matter my actions, I'm still His child. And the same goes for other Christians. And for the ones who don't know Christ, that is the problem, they don't know Christ. Those who harm me, the Christians, God will take care of and those who aren't, God will also take care of.

    I have a comorbidity of depression, and the medicine helps me with the BPD too.
     
  4. lily00

    lily00 What's the Cross Mean to You?

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    :hug: You are by far no means worthless bizket. God loves you so dearly. You are precious in His eyes. Deeply loved, totally accepted, and completely forgiven. He loves you so dearly, and nothing that has ever been done to you or by you can change that. If a hundred dollar check is crumpled up and stepped on, would you still want it? It doesn't lose its value, and you will never lose yours. You are a precious child of God, and you are in my prayers. :prayer:

    Shara:angel:
     
  5. bizket

    bizket Newbie

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    Thanks everyone,

    I am still hanging in there had a rough few days after the holidays but I just told myself I am worthy and no matter what family members do or say or what I may percieve that may not even be true (maybe its there own feelings of something).

    I forgot to mention that I am only 32 and my husband of 42 has conjestive heart failure. Lately he has been really depressed and I know that it is effecting me. I dont know what to do for him. Honestly. I have a son to take care of who is a boundless energy and I try my best to keep from falling deeply into the pit of depression (deep depression again). I know the bible says not to be anxious but I really struggle with this. Finances are crazy, in fact the last two years have been crazy. We lost our house to foreclosure, husband and I seperate for several months. I think the stress got so bad that it caused me to go somewhat psychotic. We are back together but it is a struggle. I love him but I dont know what to do for him. I am barely hanging on. I look like I am hanging on to others but deep inside I am falling apart. I know times are tough for everyone but I feel like "When is enough enough" then I just tell myself that we do have a roof over our head and Thank God for what we do have.

    I am feeling like I need to mother my husband and to be honest I dont know what to say to him. He has been crying alot lately and really hard on himself. He was never a cryer before so I feel sad. The cycle goes on. I think some therapy would do him some good if he can get it at the govt mental health at no cost cause times are so tight.

    Food is another issue. I never thought food would be an issue but he has to be on low sodium. Salads and well the good stuff and he is always complaining. I dont have time (nor am I much of a cook) to make homemade stuff. I make alot of stir frys with olive oil or he cooks and then my son doesnt like it. I end up not eating, he doesnt eat. I guess it sounds so petty but trust me it is ending up being a big issue in our house. I dont know what to do as he says he is cold all the time, wants his soup (which he cant have cause it is almost impossible to make soup especially chicken noodle). I am really overwhelmed torn between my terrible two son who is picky with food and my husband.

    He doesnt like fruits
    He is tired of salads

    I mean give me a break. I told him dont live to eat. Eat to live. All I can tell him is he has to accept this. This is a big part of loving yourself accept that this is what you have to do. I feel like his therapist sometimes. I am out of answers really. I am sorry to complain but this gets so frustrating and I know it is very frustrating to him. Especially on the run. Even salads at fast food restraunts the dressing is loaded with sodium??? I feel like I wanna pull my hair out. Being on a budget doesnt help either.

    Sorry just needed to unload some. He said he wants spaghetti so I am in Meijers and looked at the spaghetti sauce while my son is jumping up and down and all is loaded with sodium. I put myself in his shoes and I know it is frustrating. It doesnt help that I dont know how to cook myself in fact he does a better job himself but now he refuses to eat some days. I'm sorry but my 2.5 year old wont eat salads and half of the healthy meals I do get around to cooking.

    Wow....just feel like I am in a black box here. I just cant seem to please everyone. But considering the family I came from that is what I was conditioned to do please everyone and put myself last. Well gotta run.

    I just tell him and myself it could be worse, we could be homeless and have no food to eat. I suggest as I always did read the book of Job as he was faithful to God even in the bad times.

    Thanks for listening everyone. :)
     
  6. spazlegs

    spazlegs Junior Member

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    Wow, have no advice. But I will definitely pray for you. Thank you for telling us more of how to pray for you guys.
     
  7. lily00

    lily00 What's the Cross Mean to You?

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    well, the 2.5 year old, I can understand why he doesn't eat salad. the husband, I will just pray for him. He needs to make that decision on his own for his health and for yours. :prayer:

    You are in my prayers bizket. :prayer:
     
  8. RuthD

    RuthD Forgiveness is so important. Supporter

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    I'm glad you are doing better, I can hear it. I'm sorry your husband has congestive heart failure. I am praying for healing for you and your hubby.
     
  9. spazlegs

    spazlegs Junior Member

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    Hey bizket a good book to read ortberg's love beyond reason from Zondervan. helped me realize God is crazy about me.

    My most pressing thing these days isn't abandonment issues anymore or popping off, but the boundaries thing. I have to develop and decide what my boundaries are to be and have to reflect on it everytime I have new situations because well, due to the abuse, I don't have such good boundaries. I tend to tell too much or ask too many questions at times.

    Remember, dear lady, we are all works in progress and God love us just because we are His children.
     
  10. bizket

    bizket Newbie

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    Just an update:

    With the help of my b. dad and my psychologist cutting his fee tremendously to see me again I am back in therapy. I will be seeing in 2 times a week. I was really scared to start but I think I can get through this. He is not a christian that I know of but he is a specialist in treating BPD and PTSD. He told me something monday that he never mentioned before that I am probably had one of the most traumatic childhoods being stabbed by b. mom and being in so many homes in my younger years. He asked me if I remember any of it and honestly I don't. His one requirement is to stay in therapy till I'm done. I feel a little pressure with that because my b. dad is helping me out and at the same time wants to see progress in 6 months. (basically asked me to stop crying all the time). He says all my problems are just a lack of faith which really through me into a feeling of worthlessness. I dont think he even understands the nature of what happened to me.

    I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that hubby can die and there isnt a darn thing I can do about it. I think getting the therapy now will help me cope better. I'm really scared that maybe there is no cure even though I dont have as bad of symptoms as I used to in the past. Probobly due to the therapy.

    Sorry to go on. I just could really use some prayers to get through this. I want to be a good mother and learn to set boundries with hubby cause some of the fights we get into is over him doing destructive things to himself even with his heart condition like smoking and hiding it from me etc.

    Just hope this gets better. I am tired of feeling like a nothing.
     
  11. RuthD

    RuthD Forgiveness is so important. Supporter

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    You are a worthy child of God. One of God's works of art! I am praying for you.
     
  12. The4Rs

    The4Rs Newbie

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    Hi,

    I can completely understand where you are at. I was diagnosed with Borderline and PTSD. I have spent most of the time in denial about borderline. To accept BPD is like putting on this heavy coat that will take 10 years to get off. It is not a light mental illness/disorder. BPD explained all my past behavior and I was left standing alone wondering just "who am I reallY?" I would meld into a group of people and be what they wanted so they would accept me. So while in my denial I just would tell myself "I am not ill, I am being bad". I constantly think that I am letting God down, that I am a huge disappointment and I live in fear of losing my salvation somehow. I often cry myself to sleep and recently have had spells of anger. My past is a little different than yours but mine includes abuse of every kind even sexual abuse and rape. I have large chunks of memory that are gone. Don't know why. My Borderline became so apparent when my children started reaching the ages of when I was abused. I also at the same time decided to dedicate my life to God and started working in Women's Ministry. Then I read for the first time the whole New Testament. AFter I read the bible all the way through I developed deep anxiety and panic. The PTSD kicked in somewhat and my dreams picked up. One thing God pointed out to me was that I was constantly getting involved at church and keeping busy so I could show God how good I was and to feel like I was saved by all my good work. I realized today how I try to earn love from all those close to me. I have a horrible time accepting love. I get so scared b/c I really can not stand myself. God is trying to show me that I am loved just the way I am but for some reason I get angry and I think it is mostly b/c I don't like the way I am and he couldn't possibly love me now. So I am in constant war with myself. I want to feel and rest in the love of God but I am afraid and angry.

    I go to counseling once a week with my Pastor. He is a counselor and does not charge me since I am a member of the church. I have been fighting off depression and feelings of wanting to die. I have a husband and 3 children. My husband is having a hard time with my borderline but does not say anything to me about it. I wish I could say our marriage is great but this whole thing has put a strain on our relationship. It is very hard for people who do not have a mental disorder to understand what we are going through much less stick it out with us for so long. It takes a man dedicated to Christ.

    I wish I could say I feel like I am progressing and getting better but I don't feel that way. I constantly think and feel like I am a huge disappointment to God. I constantly say "I am sooo in trouble" or "I am for sure going to hell now". My trigger is fear and when I am in fear for my salvation or fear in general I "spiral" and my emotions take a life of their own. I start to doubt whether I am going to make it or whether God loves me. The problem I have found with this illness is that people get extremely frustrated with me b/c it says in the bible that I am deeply loved and completely forgiven but my brain goes the oposite direction. It is frustrating to me too. The only way to get myself out of an emotional "spiral" is to completely focus on something else like a tv show or computer game or movie. Then I can realize what has just happened.

    I am sorry about your husband but maybe he is a good distraction to your issues. Sometimes it helps me if I can focus on someone or something else. I hope that your counseling goes well. It takes a long time in therapy for Borderline, I hope that your dad understands that as well as your family. It may help to educate them on the illness/disorder.

    The only book I recommend besides the bible is "The Search For Significance". You may need to work through that book more than once but hang in there. I am getting ready to go for round 2 soon. I will pray for you and that you find some peace and rest in the Lord. The journey is long and may be difficult but know that everyday you complete you are one more day stronger.

    May God Bless you and your family!
    Much Love!
     
  13. bizket

    bizket Newbie

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    Thanks I am going through a really rough patch right now and my therapist wont be in town this week I think. I dont want to leave the house and I am kinda being babish towards my husband. I cant figure out where the fear is coming from maybe its like you said and my son is 3 which is around the age I had the major abuse. It kills me I cant remember a thing and I have a hard time lately really fighting this. Winter doesnt help as I get cabin fever but still dont wanna leave the house.

    I am also weaning off lamictal as it is making me extremely ill and contantly dizzy. I hope to find some solice soon.
     
  14. RuthD

    RuthD Forgiveness is so important. Supporter

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    Sorry you are strugglins so. I wonder if your therapist has a replacement therapist for when he/she is gone. Hang on tight to Jesus. His love will make you feel better.
     
  15. The4Rs

    The4Rs Newbie

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    I have so had those days before! Hang in there! I am proof that Jesus will not let you go and you will make it another day. One day at a time!

    Will be praying for you!
    God Bless!
     
  16. windchaser

    windchaser Newbie

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    Hi do you think you may have RLS...Restless Leg Syndrome? My legs never bother me like that unless I take something like Benedryl for my allergies, anything that has that big long D... name in it makes my legs twitch and want to run around the room while I'm trying to go to sleep. There is medicine for RLS. God Bless, Melanie
     
  17. kevin king

    kevin king Newbie

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    Wow! judging from the amount of " I " s in your post it seems like you think about yourself alot more than u think about God or others. Just an observation. Have been struggling with the same thing myself.
     
  18. Dianna_Child of God

    Dianna_Child of God He is my All in All

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    Oh please do not think you are worthy of God's love. You are. When we have these types of struggles it in no way does it mean God won't let us into his heavenly Kingdom. I am sorry you have had to deal with so much. You are loved by God. We all have things we feel that if we could fix he would love us more. He loves us so much that he created us. He knew before we were born what our lives would like. I lack a lot of self-control. Like you I have tried smoking many many times, leads to worse depression and self harm. God still loves me. We will never be perfect till we are with him in heaven. No one is perfect and don't let anyone try to tell you different. Don't ever let anyone tell you God doesn't love you. He does.
    I am sorry that the food you need is so expensive. Have you talked to your Pastor about the money issues? Many churches can help out with that.
     
  19. someguy14

    someguy14 Guest

    2 Corinthians 12:7
    And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.
     
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