[PERMANENTLY CLOSED] I am an 18 yr old Christian and this much older man really likes me -?

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Goodbook

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Just reading Thru posts. Eastern denomination..you mean orthodox eastern?
Is this to do with culture?

If you had a talk with your elders and hes still doing it, find another church. Dont worry about not hurting his feelings cos he clearly is not respecting yours. Tell him to back off. And stand your ground.

Reason why I suggested fellowship with ladies bible study first is, it seems like hes not the only guy you seem to be having issues with...but men in general.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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I think you may have problems identifying your own bounderies, something that may have something to do with your childhood perhaps, but a shy gentile nature doesn't allow itself to be used as dirt. Whenever he approaches you just don't react, leave him holding his own dirtball, and just walk away. His feelings are not worth taking into consideration but if you do then realize that he is probably angry at having what he considers his rights over you violated. As much distance as possible is the best tactic while you learn to not allow predators your space.

Hey Cassia,
I don't let myself be treated like dirt. However I am young and inexperienced, so in the beginning I just thought this man cared for me and was lonely. I am a deeply emotional person and sometimes I project my sensitivity onto others who don't have the same personality or way of thinking.

I have to double check myself sometimes.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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Just reading Thru posts. Eastern denomination..you mean orthodox eastern?
Is this to do with culture?

If you had a talk with your elders and hes still doing it, find another church. Dont worry about not hurting his feelings cos he clearly is not respecting yours. Tell him to back off. And stand your ground.

Reason why I suggested fellowship with ladies bible study first is, it seems like hes not the only guy you seem to be having issues with...but men in general.


Kissing on the cheek is... but not any of these other things.
Otherwise it would be a sex cult.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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I suspect that this man is not a routine predator but more likely someone with a mental deficiency of some sort. Nevertheless, you ought not put up with these kinds of actions from him and do need to go the point of changing churches if there is no other way to keep him from you--perhaps through speaking to the church's leadership.

One thing about your experience that seems odd to me is that some of what you describe would be seen as alarming or unacceptable to a normal bystander, so I'm wondering if he's not thought of as a 'little bit off' by the congregation, or something like that. This doesn't mean that you have to accept his attention, but it might explain his actions.

I am young and inexperienced, and because of how lonely he looked I didn't want him to feel unloved.
I am not sure whether he would get belligerent as he goes weak in the knees at my touch, but he might do.. and I totally agree, he might have a mental disorder causing him to act like this. I have noticed that some other women at the parish also ignore him, but I wasn't sure why.. I think I understand now....If only they said something!
They probably believe that because of my intelligence and usual conviction that I would see right through him... well, I could in hindsight, but when it comes to social situations like these I think I make it up all inside my head.
 
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Goodbook

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Well, dont be naive about things like this.
Put on the armour of God, submit to Him, resist the devil and he will flee from you.
I would recommend you to read the Bible and get the Word inside your heart. Renewing your mind with His word will stop you getting into situatuons like this, and give you much wisdom.
 
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Catherineanne

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I am young and inexperienced, and because of how lonely he looked I didn't want him to feel unloved.
I am not sure whether he would get belligerent as he goes weak in the knees at my touch, but he might do.. and I totally agree, he might have a mental disorder causing him to act like this. I have noticed that some other women at the parish also ignore him, but I wasn't sure why.. I think I understand now....If only they said something!
They probably believe that because of my intelligence and usual conviction that I would see right through him... well, I could in hindsight, but when it comes to social situations like these I think I make it up all inside my head.

It takes time for us to learn to trust our own intuition, but believe me, if you do this it will rarely let you down. We are far more likely to go astray when we ignore intuition than when we follow it.

There are worrying safeguarding issues here; the church should have protected you far better than this. Perhaps you can learn from it and keep an eye out for other young girls who may not realise what he is doing either; gently steer them out of his way.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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It takes time for us to learn to trust our own intuition, but believe me, if you do this it will rarely let you down. We are far more likely to go astray when we ignore intuition than when we follow it.

There are worrying safeguarding issues here; the church should have protected you far better than this. Perhaps you can learn from it and keep an eye out for other young girls who may not realise what he is doing either; gently steer them out of his way.

My church is the disciplinary Eastern Orthodox denomination, so I am not sure if it makes a difference. The culture is more patriarchal than western churches. I love my church, and I have no intention of converting to another denomination, but I think some of the religious hypocrites (predominantly the male hypocrites) take advantage of the patriarchal nature of our church. My two priests and some other parishioners are very caring family men, who are the patriarchs of their family. They take care of everyone in their family and help those in the church. But when the priests are in church cleaning up and finishing services whilst tending to the elderly parishioners or newly engaged etc there is little chance of them being able to see everything. Once I tell them I am confident they will take action in order to protect me.
The women avoid this guy, probably because he is so intense. There is a woman who I hang out with at church and whenever she sees him hug me, kiss me and say "You're 18, you're a big girl now" etc she lets out an uncomfortable, nervous laughter and has an uncomfortable facial expression. However, I just smile and pretend that I don't mind (because of my previous belief that he is nice etc).
The women ignore him and try to stay away from him; now I understand why. I will keep an eye out for other young girls, and ask others to keep an eye out for me too.
Beforehand, I had this married man who was totally infatuated with me and would talk about me to other people a lot - he also tried to make me feel sorry for him because his wife wasn't a Christian. He said things to the effect of wishing that he wished that his wife was like me. I want to punch myself in the face.
But I cannot help that I am a magnet. Just kidding, I am awkward.
 
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Goodbook

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Ew, that would put me off even setting foot there, no matter what denom.

Well, to share Ive had one experience of a guy who was a bit intense who came along to a prayer group I was going to. He was already dating a girl, in fact, she had brought him to the group. And then he started coming on to me and I didnt want to keep going to this group. I told the leaders...and i stayed away for a while but then came back one time, and it turns out hed been asking for me and trying to get my number?!

And then he kept asking me and one of the leaders said no, shes already got a bf. (I did not, but I think they meant Jesus). And i told him im not looking for a date right now.
This guy wasnt old but i think he was kinda autistic or mentally disorded or something and prolly wasnt just me.
He would keep persisting and it was really creepy..he just had no shame. After a while he didnt come back as the leaders knew I didnt want to keep coming if he was there so i think they told him to join another prayer group.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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Ew, that would put me off even setting foot there, no matter what denom.

Well, to share Ive had one experience of a guy who was a bit intense who came along to a prayer group I was going to. He was already dating a girl, in fact, she had brought him to the group. And then he started coming on to me and I didnt want to keep going to this group. I told the leaders...and i stayed away for a while but then came back one time, and it turns out hed been asking for me and trying to get my number?!

And then he kept asking me and one of the leaders said no, shes already got a bf. (I did not, but I think they meant Jesus). And i told him im not looking for a date right now.
This guy wasnt old but i think he was kinda autistic or mentally disorded or something and prolly wasnt just me.
He would keep persisting and it was really creepy..he just had no shame. After a while he didnt come back as the leaders knew I didnt want to keep coming if he was there so i think they told him to join another prayer group.


That's it. Those guys just have no shame.
"Wow, you are so special"
"I love your name, it is so beautiful"
"If only my wife understood like you"
To others:
"Have you met this girl? She is such a smart girl"
"She is the best listener I have ever met"
"She is amazing".

And you know what? This guy consistently goes on about how he loves his wife, but never to me. He is a hypocrite. LOL @ my social life.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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Just to add, i think they told him to join a mens one, as he kept bothering the ladies.
Yes. Unfortunately you will run into people like that in churches wherever you go, some just go to church to pick up women probably.

I agree. Especially if you're new, young, female and none of your family attends the church - then you are at higher risk of being targeted.
 
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Albion

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I am young and inexperienced, and because of how lonely he looked I didn't want him to feel unloved.
I am not sure whether he would get belligerent as he goes weak in the knees at my touch, but he might do.. and I totally agree, he might have a mental disorder causing him to act like this. I have noticed that some other women at the parish also ignore him, but I wasn't sure why.. I think I understand now....If only they said something!
They probably believe that because of my intelligence and usual conviction that I would see right through him... well, I could in hindsight, but when it comes to social situations like these I think I make it up all inside my head.
Your estimate may be exactly correct, and I would guess that the only reason they did not speak to you about him is that they thought you understood the situation. That would be poor judgment on their part, but this could explain it.

I recall a mentally retarded man who in every social situation went around hugging every last person in sight and did so everyday, if the occasion presented itself. That made me uncomfortable, so I made it a point to go the other way. However, no one spoke of it because of some thinking that he's mentally handicapped and so it's not charitable to do anything but tolerate it. Still, all of this is just a guess on my part when it comes to your own situation, and you have every right to put a stop to it once you get the full story.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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Your estimate may be exactly correct, and I would guess that the only reason they did not speak to you about him is that they thought you understood the situation. That would be poor judgment on their part, but this could explain it.

I recall a mentally retarded man who in every social situation went around hugging every last person in sight and did so everyday, if the occasion presented itself. That made me uncomfortable, so I made it a point to go the other way. However, no one spoke of it because of some thinking that he's mentally handicapped and so it's not charitable to do anything but tolerate it. Still, all of this is just a guess on my part when it comes to your own situation, and you have every right to put a stop to it once you get the full story.

He is not mentally retarded in that sense, but maybe he has dependent personality disorder or something. He doesn't bother to hug anyone else than me, because he knows that I will hug him and kiss him on the cheek back and it gives him a thrill (as someone else said).
 
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Albion

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He is not mentally retarded in that sense, but maybe he has dependent personality disorder or something. He doesn't bother to hug anyone else than me, because he knows that I will hug him and kiss him on the cheek back and it gives him a thrill (as someone else said).

I see. Well, your intention was to be kind but it only resulted in giving him the idea that you are charmed by him (or something like that) and, probably also, gave the women of the parish the wrong idea too. Some of them may assume that you, being young and pretty, are a born tease. You don't want that to be a problem all its own.

All you can do at this stage is nip it in the bud and move forward, which will require you to be at least standoffish towards him (if you choose not to lecture him) and to avoid him, while also mentioning your problem to those in authority.
 
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AngelhairFlowingthere

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I see. Well, your intention was to be kind but it only resulted in giving him the idea that you are charmed by him (or something like that) and, probably also, gave the women of the parish the wrong idea too. Some of them may assume that you, being young and pretty, are a born tease. You don't want that to be a problem all its own.

All you can do at this stage is nip it in the bud and move forward, which will require you to be at least standoffish towards him (if you choose not to lecture him) and to avoid him, while also mentioning your problem to those in authority.

Oh no, I hope that women in my parish don't think that! Well thanks for the advice, it's been very helpful. :)
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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I've seen way to many older men that are into younger girls. Its pervy. The ones that say why the like young women say they uh... how do I put it. They don't want used cars, they want new cars to "drive" before anyone else. So run far away from this guy. Tell the pastor. Its creepy.
 
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Catherineanne

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My church is the disciplinary Eastern Orthodox denomination, so I am not sure if it makes a difference. The culture is more patriarchal than western churches. I love my church, and I have no intention of converting to another denomination, but I think some of the religious hypocrites (predominantly the male hypocrites) take advantage of the patriarchal nature of our church. My two priests and some other parishioners are very caring family men, who are the patriarchs of their family. They take care of everyone in their family and help those in the church. But when the priests are in church cleaning up and finishing services whilst tending to the elderly parishioners or newly engaged etc there is little chance of them being able to see everything. Once I tell them I am confident they will take action in order to protect me.
The women avoid this guy, probably because he is so intense. There is a woman who I hang out with at church and whenever she sees him hug me, kiss me and say "You're 18, you're a big girl now" etc she lets out an uncomfortable, nervous laughter and has an uncomfortable facial expression. However, I just smile and pretend that I don't mind (because of my previous belief that he is nice etc).
The women ignore him and try to stay away from him; now I understand why. I will keep an eye out for other young girls, and ask others to keep an eye out for me too.
Beforehand, I had this married man who was totally infatuated with me and would talk about me to other people a lot - he also tried to make me feel sorry for him because his wife wasn't a Christian. He said things to the effect of wishing that he wished that his wife was like me. I want to punch myself in the face.
But I cannot help that I am a magnet. Just kidding, I am awkward.

You are 18; you are allowed to be who you are, and others ought not to take advantage of your good nature.

I think it is time to talk to the priests, and be honest; you have done nothing wrong, but this creep has certainly misread the signals, and needs to be called to order. And perhaps in future you will not be quite so friendly.

It happens to everyone; I was friendly with people in a former church and then got a message through a friend that one particular man had decided he had been in love with me for 14 years, all the way through 4 marriages. I was not impressed, and cut off all communication with him; I was not about to be anyone's 5th wife! The very idea! So don't feel bad; it can happen to anyone.
 
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Catherineanne

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I see. Well, your intention was to be kind but it only resulted in giving him the idea that you are charmed by him (or something like that) and, probably also, gave the women of the parish the wrong idea too. Some of them may assume that you, being young and pretty, are a born tease. You don't want that to be a problem all its own.

All you can do at this stage is nip it in the bud and move forward, which will require you to be at least standoffish towards him (if you choose not to lecture him) and to avoid him, while also mentioning your problem to those in authority.

Speaking as an older woman, I don't think women regard others that way; no woman is a 'born tease'. That is a male perspective.
 
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Catherineanne

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He is not mentally retarded in that sense, but maybe he has dependent personality disorder or something. He doesn't bother to hug anyone else than me, because he knows that I will hug him and kiss him on the cheek back and it gives him a thrill (as someone else said).

Best not attempt to diagnose by internet. The simplest answer is that he does it because he can; nobody ever told him that he can't. He is not alone in assuming that silence denotes consent; in this matter it doesn't; silence denotes extreme discomfort.

Time to let him know that the kisses and hugs have to stop. If he wants to kiss someone, he can kiss the icons.
 
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