Husband's Female Friend

[Modsquad]

Hi all
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. He is a christian nominally. He became interested in bowling 2 years ago and we would do open bowling together. He decided to join a bowling league. I joined with him. It was nice and felt like a date night each week. I dropped out of bowling when I went back to school. He started bowling on a new team and formed a close friendship with a single female team mate who has a pre teen daughter. When my dad was given 2weeks to a month to live I had to convince him to tear himself away from bowling and take me to Florida to see my dad. He texted her en route there and she had the nerve to tell him to text her when he arrives to make sure he got there safe - as if I was not there. He texts her while she is at work - when I am not with him (he is retired). I have told him how uncomfortable I am with their friendship. He has gone away with his guy friends before with no questions asked by me. But she makes me uncomfortable and is flirtatious. I think she knows I do not like their friendship but he will not stop bowling with her. He even agreed to bowl with her without discussing it with me during the summer on Sunday evenings which had been our family day. Lately he is rude to my mom who visits us once a week only. Because of all of this I have learned that our marriage was a facade and he has reluctantly agreed to biblical marriage counseling. I am praying for him and his restoration to Christ. I am praying for her to find a godly, stable male influence who is not my husband. I truly want them to cease and desist from their association and I pray for that daily. I am very uncomfortable with it but he refuses to hear me and says I am controlling. He dotes over her daughter and even told my mom he would love to adopt her. The girl picks up his cell phone and plays game apps on it. He bought her a birthday cake. Please pray, please advise.

 

[HonestTruth]

Go bowling with him - tell him you are interested in learning this activity.

If you need the time for homework, then cut down on other activities so as to make up the needed time. It's not that difficult and could turn out to be fun for both of you!

Blessings ....

 

[Bass4Jesus]

Wonder if this has anything to do with your going back to school. Maybe he resents it? Feels threatened by it? Emotional affair with another woman as payback?

Have you always been the "smart one," and if so, has it ever caused friction?

Obviously I'm just thinking random thoughts out loud, not claiming to be a prophet, just letting my imagination run and seeing if something gets traction.

 

[Goodbook]

Do you have children together?
Just wondering.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

This sermon is definitely quite encouraging, have a listen when you can. Keep fighting for your marriage through prayer, biblical marriage counseling sounds like a good idea, and spending some dedicated focused time in prayer for your marriage everyday will also help. The situation is not good but our Heavenly Father is greater than the situations that we go through & will bring you through this. Trust Him & lean on Him for absolutely everything, comfort, love, guidance, through this situation.

 

[Modsquad]

Go bowling with him - tell him you are interested in learning this activity.

If you need the time for homework, then cut down on other activities so as to make up the needed time. It's not that difficult and could turn out to be fun for both of you!

Blessings ....

Thanks! I go every Sunday now. I will be going with him on Saturdays when he bowls with her in the fall. He wants me to bowl on Sat. on a different team than his also but we bowl together Thursday nights. There is no room for me on his Saturday team.

 

[Modsquad]

Do you have children together?
Just wondering.

Yes, we have 2 young adult sons who have some disabilities (non physical).

 

[Modsquad]

Wonder if this has anything to do with your going back to school. Maybe he resents it? Feels threatened by it? Emotional affair with another woman as payback?

Have you always been the "smart one," and if so, has it ever caused friction?

Obviously I'm just thinking random thoughts out loud, not claiming to be a prophet, just letting my imagination run and seeing if something gets traction.

Great question! I will gently ask him.

 

[Modsquad]

This sermon is definitely quite encouraging, have a listen when you can. Keep fighting for your marriage through prayer, biblical marriage counseling sounds like a good idea, and spending some dedicated focused time in prayer for your marriage everyday will also help. The situation is not good but our Heavenly Father is greater than the situations that we go through & will bring you through this. Trust Him & lean on Him for absolutely everything, comfort, love, guidance, through this situation.

Thanks SO much. Have listened to part of the sermon already. I remember when pastor Wilkinson started this church.

 

[PapaZoom]

Thanks SO much. Have listened to part of the sermon already. I remember when pastor Wilkinson started this church.

Keep up the good work. I've been married 41 years and we've had many difficult times. I left once even and was talking about divorce. But God had other plans. I'm glad I listened. We are all broken vessels for God to fix. Marriage is worth the effort. God bless!

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Thanks SO much. Have listened to part of the sermon already. I remember when pastor Wilkinson started this church.

You're welcome! Wilkerson's sermons have been such a huge blessing in my life, they've helped to change it quite a bit through the power of Christ! I pray that the sermon will be a blessing to you as well Oh another thing I was going to say was to pray & ask God exactly how He wants you to handle this situation, how He wants you to act, what He wants you to do, etc. Ask Him to show you specifically. As Papazoom said above, God has His own plans and will work them out through you, so hold on, don't give up hope because our hope is in the Lord and not on the situations in front of us, no matter how the situation is

 

[seashale76]

First, while I don't see anything inherently wrong with having friends that are the opposite sex, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. Your husband is emotionally invested in this other woman and her life. He is ignoring the fact that you're uncomfortable with this, and furthermore, doesn't even want you on his team with him when bowling? Red flag land. Nothing good can come of this, I'm afraid.

If you try to get him to cut her off, he'll get defensive, and you may be the one left for the other woman. However, you shouldn't have to put up with this either, and if this is an issue for him, then maybe your marriage won't weather this anyway. I'd keep up with the marriage counseling- and you'd better believe you need to bring up this issue in detail in those sessions.

Stick with lots of prayer and counseling.

 

[HonestTruth]

Thanks! I go every Sunday now. I will be going with him on Saturdays when he bowls with her in the fall. He wants me to bowl on Sat. on a different team than his also but we bowl together Thursday nights. There is no room for me on his Saturday team.

Then go to those Saturday games and be his #1 cheer leader. That will keep his attention on you, not her!

 

[BFine]

What has changed in the home or marriage?

Is this the first time that this sort of thing has
happened?

 

[Goodbook]

Nominal christian...the biblical counselor you go to, is this a guy, or couple? Sometimes a guy needs to hear the gospel from another man, or someone whos been tempted in the past but overcome.

I take it the girl hes interested in is not a christian either?
Another question..were you a christian on entering this marriage or after? This might help in knowing what to pray for...also for the sake of your children.

 

[sunshine456]

First, while I don't see anything inherently wrong with having friends that are the opposite sex, there are lines that shouldn't be crossed. Your husband is emotionally invested in this other woman and her life. He is ignoring the fact that you're uncomfortable with this, and furthermore, doesn't even want you on his team with him when bowling? Red flag land. Nothing good can come of this, I'm afraid.

If you try to get him to cut her off, he'll get defensive, and you may be the one left for the other woman. However, you shouldn't have to put up with this either, and if this is an issue for him, then maybe your marriage won't weather this anyway. I'd keep up with the marriage counseling- and you'd better believe you need to bring up this issue in detail in those sessions.

Stick with lots of prayer and counseling.

Agreed....

Proper discernment of the true method on how to handle this situation in GOD's will is necessary in your scenario. Start with prayer to GOD through his son JESUS who is the way, the TRUTH, and the life. Prayer requests for aid in circumstances should never be a second thought. If you are telling the truth and remaining faithful in GOD the heavenly father's WILL you will be vigilant and stand steadfast in the TRUTH and righteous convictions.

Be patient in prayer and seek comfort from other true believer's. Do NOT be afraid of what man can do to you; be afraid of the living GOD the heavenly father who can cast your soul into hell. Love for that is the greatest commandment and be prepared in ever moment working for the lord in your life and the LOVE we are commanded to perform...as this is the greatest of the three faith, hope and LOVE.

Do NOT be afraid to discuss with your husband .......

1 Peter 3King James Version (KJV)
3 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives;

2 While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear.

3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;

4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.

5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:

6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.

7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous:

9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.

10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:

11 Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.

12 For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers: but the face of the Lord is against them that do evil.

13 And who is he that will harm you, if ye be followers of that which is good?

14 But and if ye suffer for righteousness' sake, happy are ye: and be not afraid of their terror, neither be troubled;

15 But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you with meekness and fear:

16 Having a good conscience; that, whereas they speak evil of you, as of evildoers, they may be ashamed that falsely accuse your good conversation in Christ.

17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.

18 For Christ also hath once suffered for sins, the just for the unjust, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh, but quickened by the Spirit:

19 By which also he went and preached unto the spirits in prison;

20 Which sometime were disobedient, when once the longsuffering of God waited in the days of Noah, while the ark was a preparing, wherein few, that is, eight souls were saved by water.

21 The like figure whereunto even baptism doth also now save us (not the putting away of the filth of the flesh, but the answer of a good conscience toward God,) by the resurrection of Jesus Christ:

22 Who is gone into heaven, and is on the right hand of God; angels and authorities and powers being made subject unto him.

Praise be to GOD the heavenly father and his son lord JESUS CHRIST forever>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[tempy1]

Thanks! I go every Sunday now. I will be going with him on Saturdays when he bowls with her in the fall. He wants me to bowl on Sat. on a different team than his also but we bowl together Thursday nights.

There is no room for me on his Saturday team.

Great you are going on Sundays, it sounds as though this side relationship has been given too much room to grow (in negative ways.)

"No room for you on Saturdays?!"
It's a good idea to go to be a cheerleader -
BEST would be for your husband, and you, to find a team with room for both of you.
It's a bit bizarre he would suggest you find another place! imho

Good news, have confidence.
As his wife, esp with special needs children, you have protections.
From what i read, men who like to play on the side, do NOT like the idea of the many costs of leaving their families. Not just financial costs! Men have emotional connections with their families, too, even when tempted away. They fool themselves they can "have it all."

You haven't shared (and don't need to) if he is a chronic liar-womanizer. Some are, to the deep pain of their families.

The girlfriend is causing you pain, but, it's likely she will be left behind.

Someone suggested your husband receive counseling from a Christian MAN that has been tempted, but repented, and "sins no more."

Wise advice!
Some men will respond much better to men they can identify with. Understandable.

People who "have been there" remove the temptation of thinking, "you just don't understand." (o. yes, i do!) is effective.

The most comforting and encouraging book in the Bible (for me) regarding enduring tough times in marriage is the Book of Hosea.

It's OT, but, Hosea's faith reminds of Jesus's faith, it's a beautiful scriptural account.
Not a lengthy book, either. I've read it many times. Inspirational.

Have courage. God will protect and provide.

 

[Reborn1977]

Hi all
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. He is a christian nominally. He became interested in bowling 2 years ago and we would do open bowling together. He decided to join a bowling league. I joined with him. It was nice and felt like a date night each week. I dropped out of bowling when I went back to school. He started bowling on a new team and formed a close friendship with a single female team mate who has a pre teen daughter. When my dad was given 2weeks to a month to live I had to convince him to tear himself away from bowling and take me to Florida to see my dad. He texted her en route there and she had the nerve to tell him to text her when he arrives to make sure he got there safe - as if I was not there. He texts her while she is at work - when I am not with him (he is retired). I have told him how uncomfortable I am with their friendship. He has gone away with his guy friends before with no questions asked by me. But she makes me uncomfortable and is flirtatious. I think she knows I do not like their friendship but he will not stop bowling with her. He even agreed to bowl with her without discussing it with me during the summer on Sunday evenings which had been our family day. Lately he is rude to my mom who visits us once a week only. Because of all of this I have learned that our marriage was a facade and he has reluctantly agreed to biblical marriage counseling. I am praying for him and his restoration to Christ. I am praying for her to find a godly, stable male influence who is not my husband. I truly want them to cease and desist from their association and I pray for that daily. I am very uncomfortable with it but he refuses to hear me and says I am controlling. He dotes over her daughter and even told my mom he would love to adopt her. The girl picks up his cell phone and plays game apps on it. He bought her a birthday cake. Please pray, please advise.

There is no reason for a married Christian man to have personal friendships with a woman. If the couple, the man and woman, have a friendship with another couple then yes both are friends with the man and woman. However, a man spending personal time with a woman who is not his wife is inappropriate for a Christian marriage. The same is true for a woman. A woman having a male friend that is not her husband is simply not appropriate. This should only occur in friendships between two couples and even then there is no reason for the men or women in those couple friendships to spend alone time with opposite sex when their spouse is not present.


I have been married for 30 years, in the ministry for 21, and I cannot imagine my husband or me either one telling the other that we have a friend of the opposite sex. We would not even conceive the idea that this would be an acceptable relationship. Yes, we have had co-workers of the opposite sex but not anyone we spent personal or alone time with. For us it is not about trust it is about what is appropriate. There is no reason to need to have a personal relationship with the opposite sex when you are married.


It simply should not be done if one wishes to maintain a healthy, godly, Christian marriage. My counsel would be to find a way to bring this situation to an end and if your husband remains on the bowling team with this woman, you get yourself back to that bowling alley when he plays.

If you would like to discuss this privately then please send me a personal message via conversations.

 

[tempy1]

If you have the strength, pray for this young woman.
she is headed for pain, no way for her to escape.

In her own time, she will need to repent, and change, too.
No one escapes. Not in God's time.

Her child needs to be removed from interaction with your husband.

Very bad "model" for her, altho, she is likely unaware, at this point.
She, like your children, are collateral damage of this side relationship, which is heading toward sin, if not already there.

We don't have to like a person or agree with their actions, to pray for them to be led to good paths, and healed. From what you've shared, you have a heart for this.

It's another example of, "hate the sin, love the sinner."
("Love" does NOT require you include her in your social life, or home!)

It's good for you to share about this.
Others may benefit, reading of your experiences.

 

[jsimms615]

Thanks! I go every Sunday now. I will be going with him on Saturdays when he bowls with her in the fall. He wants me to bowl on Sat. on a different team than his also but we bowl together Thursday nights. There is no room for me on his Saturday team.

I would definitely go whether you are bowling or not. You can just tell him you want to support him. Get him to take you out to eat or something before or after. That way it will give you time together.