husband threatens divorce every other day

[monique77]

I'm a Christian and my husbands an unbeliever. We have a 10 month old baby and we share a home together. For the past 2 years he has been quick to anger and constantly threatens divorce. He packs his stuff and leaves for hours sometimes days to his parents. He returns home and says he's sorry and the cycle repeats itself. I've tried everything from begging, asking, holding on to his things so he won't leave, and I've tried letting him walk out. But I feel exhausted tired of seeing him pack and then unpack. He says it's his anger and doesn't mean it. He has ptsd and is attending a methadone clinic. We are in couples counseling but it takes time to change. I love my husband any encouragement or advice please!

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

I am an alcoholic, nearly 17 years sober.

Your husband's behavior is that of an alcoholic/drug abuser.

He is drug dependent, he is a user.

His PTSD is not an excuse for abusive behavior.

Regardless of his experiences, you married a boy, not a man.



I suggest you get help, Al-Anon is a place to start. YOU need help.

 

[monique77]

I am an alcoholic, nearly 17 years sober.

Your husband's behavior is that of an alcoholic/drug abuser.

He is drug dependent, he is a user.

His PTSD is not an excuse for abusive behavior.

Regardless of his experiences, you married a boy, not a man.



I suggest you get help, Al-Anon is a place to start. YOU need help.

I've been to Al-non they teach us to detach and mind our own business but it's hard not to become affected by the constant walk-outs. Thanks for the advice

 

[Avniel]

I am an alcoholic, nearly 17 years sober.

Your husband's behavior is that of an alcoholic/drug abuser.

He is drug dependent, he is a user.

His PTSD is not an excuse for abusive behavior.

Regardless of his experiences, you married a boy, not a man.



I suggest you get help, Al-Anon is a place to start. YOU need help.

No it's not behavior of an alcoholic/drug abuser it behavior of a man that witnessed some horrible things that damaged his mind. I think that's unfair to state that he's a drug addict further more he is being treated for PTSD which can cause people to turn to drugs. All doctors will look for drug abuse once they learn someone suffers from that condition. Everytime he goes to a doctor and to have anything treated the doctors see PTSD, which rings the alarm due to his mental illness.

People with PTSD, do behave in that manner. They are many symptoms:

Emotionally reactive, irritability, angry outbursts, reckless behavior, difficulty sleeping, trouble concentrating, hypervigilance, an exaggerated start response, Extreme avoidance of things that remind you of the traumatic event, including people, places, people, thoughts, or situations you associate with the bad memories. Withdrawing from friends and family and losing interest in everyday activities.

His PTSD is a mental health issue this behavior is a symptom and it needs to addressed. They have a two year old and you're talking about being married to a boy.........him leaving that house at those times might be the most God inspired thing he ever does. He might need to get some inhouse help, at this point I think most doctors would take him for in house treatment.

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

No it's not behavior of an alcoholic/drug abuser it behavior of a man that witnessed some horrible things that damaged his mind. I think that's unfair to state that he's a drug addict further more he is being treated for PTSD which can cause people to turn to drugs. All doctors will look for drug abuse once they learn someone suffers from that condition. Everytime he goes to a doctor and to have anything treated the doctors see PTSD, which rings the alarm due to his mental illness.

People with PTSD, do behave in that manner. They are many symptoms:

Emotionally reactive, irritability, angry outbursts, reckless behavior, difficulty sleeping, trouble concentrating, hypervigilance, an exaggerated start response, Extreme avoidance of things that remind you of the traumatic event, including people, places, people, thoughts, or situations you associate with the bad memories. Withdrawing from friends and family and losing interest in everyday activities.

His PTSD is a mental health issue this behavior is a symptom and it needs to addressed. They have a two year old and you're talking about being married to a boy.........him leaving that house at those times might be the most God inspired thing he ever does. He might need to get some inhouse help, at this point I think most doctors would take him for in house treatment.

Doctors are a big part of the problem.

Fair? there is nothing fair.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

I've been to Al-non they teach us to detach and mind our own business but it's hard not to become affected by the constant walk-outs. Thanks for the advice

It's you that suffers.

Your choice.

 

[Avniel]

Doctors are a big part of the problem.

Fair? there is nothing fair.

You have no idea what you are talking about.

It's you that suffers.

Your choice.

No you have no idea what you're talking about. When these PTSD people disappear have you ever had that conversation with your friend? You know what real nightmares are? You ever have been exposed to the depth of what humanity means and the dark side of human society?

No, I think it's an issue when unfair is immoral. I can't find a moral reason that someone suffering from a mental health problem that has been identified is anything more than a health issue. There was a period I thought as you did, an individual in my family was raped. While it made growing up difficult and there were certain issues and grudges I held against them and other women that responded in pain similar. However as I matured in my faith I understood that their pain, that brought their health issues was a reason for me to love.

You're judging symptoms of an issue that I can't even say God judges them on. I don't think people with PTSD are in control of their actions when they "wig out." People with mental health issues need to be treated like they have health issues, needing support and love.....we need to encourage their spouse and pray for their recovery.

Whenever someone is sick we all suffer. If a sickness is a threat to the family sometimes that member must be made well again. I don't think you have a real understanding of PTSD, that's not the loving way to respond to anyone with mental issues.

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

No you have no idea what you're talking about. When these PTSD people disappear have you ever had that conversation with your friend? You know what real nightmares are? You ever have been exposed to the depth of what humanity means and the dark side of human society?

No, I think it's an issue when unfair is immoral. I can't find a moral reason that someone suffering from a mental health problem that has been identified is anything more than a health issue. There was a period I thought as you did, an individual in my family was raped. While it made growing up difficult and there were certain issues and grudges I held against them and other women that responded in pain similar. However as I matured in my faith I understood that their pain, that brought their health issues was a reason for me to love.

You're judging symptoms of an issue that I can't even say God judges them on. I don't think people with PTSD are in control of their actions when they "wig out." People with mental health issues need to be treated like they have health issues, needing support and love.....we need to encourage their spouse and pray for their recovery.

Whenever someone is sick we all suffer. If a sickness is a threat to the family sometimes that member must be made well again. I don't think you have a real understanding of PTSD, that's not the loving way to respond to anyone with mental issues.

I won't bore you with my story.
I lost everything and was near death.
God gave me a choice, get sober or die.

It was that simple.


And you think you are special?

Mental illness is just that, an illness.



Several months sober a woman walked up to me and said-
"Thank God I'm an alcoholic".
Why, I asked.
"We all suffer from the same disease, the human disease, I have somewhere to go for help, most people don't".

I never forgot that.


Most people are just barely hanging on, just barely get through life, and some don't even do that.


You are the one with the problem, not your husband.

Healthy people don't martyr themselves and their children.


And no, I don't care about his story. And no, drugs do not make mentally deficient people whole, they make them worse.

 

[Aryeh Jay]

I won't bore you with my story.
I lost everything and was near death.
God gave me a choice, get sober or die.

It was that simple.


And you think you are special?

Mental illness is just that, an illness.



Several months sober a woman walked up to me and said-
"Thank God I'm an alcoholic".
Why, I asked.
"We all suffer from the same disease, the human disease, I have somewhere to go for help, most people don't".

I never forgot that.


Most people are just barely hanging on, just barely get through life, and some don't even do that.


You are the one with the problem, not your husband.

Healthy people don't martyr themselves and their children.


And no, I don't care about his story. And no, drugs do not make mentally deficient people whole, they make them worse.

Perhaps one day you will find that what worked for you does not work for everybody.

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

Perhaps one day you will find that what worked for you does not work for everybody.

What I did not mention......

To get sober and stay sober......

2-3 AA meetings per day for three years.
Private counselling.
Group counselling.
Court ordered group counselling.
Read everything I could about sobriety and mental health.
Divorced myself from all friends and family.


I ate, drank, slept, and [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed sobriety.

It's work, hard work.

Difference between men and boys.

 

[Avniel]

What I did not mention......

To get sober and stay sober......

2-3 AA meetings per day for three years.
Private counselling.
Group counselling.
Court ordered group counselling.
Read everything I could about sobriety and mental health.
Divorced myself from all friends and family.


I ate, drank, slept, and [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] sobriety.

It's work, hard work.

Difference between men and boys.

Not everyone has a drug problem though!!!!

Did you go to school for pshychology? Someone classified him as someone with PTSD............A DOCTOR.......with PTSD they watch for drug addiction because that is something they are prone to. His doctors are watching his mannerism, yoooooooooooou know more than his doctors?

 

[Avniel]

I won't bore you with my story.
I lost everything and was near death.
God gave me a choice, get sober or die.

It was that simple.


And you think you are special?

Mental illness is just that, an illness.



Several months sober a woman walked up to me and said-
"Thank God I'm an alcoholic".
Why, I asked.
"We all suffer from the same disease, the human disease, I have somewhere to go for help, most people don't".

I never forgot that.


Most people are just barely hanging on, just barely get through life, and some don't even do that.


You are the one with the problem, not your husband.

Healthy people don't martyr themselves and their children.


And no, I don't care about his story. And no, drugs do not make mentally deficient people whole, they make them worse.

I'm so lost.

God gave you that choice to get sober and die. You made a choice to get high and you made a choice to get sober. Not everyone makes a choice to go through what they go through. THis man has PTSD, that's not something that he made the choice to have. You decided to pick up the drugs he didn't decide to have mind react to trauma that way. Your behavior was a result of your choice his behavior is a result of his PTSD. There is nothing that she has said period that has suggested anything more than PTSD.

That's the choice God gave you, not everyone has to worry about their soberity. Having a chemical addiction and being bipolar hope you understand are two different types of sicknesses.

Think, I'm special I know I'm special. I had a gun to my head for 45 mins(over a sofa I was in college new a guy wasnt in school about to have a baby I had some furniture and I was moving. SO he took to long got mad threatened to fight me.....I opened the door he wasnt by himself), I was beat almost every day of my life, I was kicked out when I was 18 years old and I graduated from college, married my wife conceived my first child with in the confines of marriage, I own my a business with my wife and have been a business owner since I was 23 and was fired from the Hyatt hotel(hate that place you stay there please tip well the are treated so poorly). I don't have wandering eyes, I would rather be with my wife than the guys any day and my wife is my best friend that I would do anything for. I think that's what makes me a man what I do for my family, I never based my manhood on anything I have ever done for myself.

Most people are barely getting by? Dude, who are your friends? I'm not even 30 yet, I have to enjoy my life it's to short to barely hang on. I'm having fun and trusting in God, in the words of my people "hang on fah wah?" Life is a journey, you live, you learn and you grow from it. I used to feel like that when I was a teenager getting beat everyday, they were wrong for what they did and me being angry just made me bitter. I thank God for it now I reach out to the children in my community, I look for ways to encourage black boys growth if I didn't go through that who knows I might be a unkind jerk.

Whenever I feel like that I go to one of the poorest places in the world, and go to a town where the people went to war with the government over a man they claimed as their president. When I go there I can see how they allowed a kingpin to command their community. They were in need of food and he provided for a community. When you see those little tin house's in Tivoli Gardens in Jamaica there's a lot of laughter. AIn't no reason to barely hold on in america.

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

My sister-in-law was murdered by her husband. I worked for her husband's father, knew both families well.
Story is here- https://news.google.com/newspapers?...AIBAJ&sjid=kn8EAAAAIBAJ&pg=2903,1319376&hl=en

They were both nuts, Eric had physical problems and mental problems, Debby was just a mental case.
This happens when two mentally ill people feed of each other's illness.

You answered every question I had about you in your post above. You are a professional victim.

God's saves some and let others die, just the way it is.

The strong get off their butts and work, work at survival, the weak perish.

One form of mental illness does not trump another. I do not need to have fully understand PTSD to know the outcome.

I'm out, chow.

 

[Avniel]

My sister-in-law was murdered by her husband. I worked for her husband's father, knew both families well.
Story is here- https://news.google.com/newspapers?...AIBAJ&sjid=kn8EAAAAIBAJ&pg=2903,1319376&hl=en

They were both nuts, Eric had physical problems and mental problems, Debby was just a mental case.
This happens when two mentally ill people feed of each other's illness.

You answered every question I had about you in your post above. You are a professional victim.

God's saves some and let others die, just the way it is.

The strong get off their butts and work, work at survival, the weak perish.

One form of mental illness does not trump another. I do not need to have fully understand PTSD to know the outcome.

I'm out, chow.

Right someone with PTSD has the potential to harm an entire family depending on the range of their PTSD.

Nobody is a nuts anymore, part of the reason people like Debby and Eric needed to get help. Then there are people like you that don't really understand mental health. You encounter people like Eric and Debby and write them off as two nuts vs to very ill people.

I'm a victim you took your life story and did drugs I took my life story and used it to inspire me to make money. I haven't needed an individuals help ain't nobody in no group in house setting helped me get my mind right to do what I had to. You ran away from your problems and addressed them when their ready, I stayed wide up at night and dealt with every problem.

You're an ex drug addict trying to tell me that I am a victim.

Sorry doesn't work for me, I make to much money to be a victim. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. You would love for me to be a victim, but God had other plans for me.

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

Right someone with PTSD has the potential to harm an entire family depending on the range of their PTSD.

Nobody is a nuts anymore, part of the reason people like Debby and Eric needed to get help. Then there are people like you that don't really understand mental health. You encounter people like Eric and Debby and write them off as two nuts vs to very ill people.

I'm a victim you took your life story and did drugs I took my life story and used it to inspire me to make money. I haven't needed an individuals help ain't nobody in no group in house setting helped me get my mind right to do what I had to. You ran away from your problems and addressed them when their ready, I stayed wide up at night and dealt with every problem.

You're an ex drug addict trying to tell me that I am a victim.

Sorry doesn't work for me, I make to much money to be a victim. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. You would love for me to be a victim, but God had other plans for me.

"Sorry doesn't work for me, I make to much money to be a victim. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. You would love for me to be a victim, but God had other plans for me."



More deranged than I thought..............wow............

 

[Avniel]

"Sorry doesn't work for me, I make to much money to be a victim. I have everything I've ever dreamed of. You would love for me to be a victim, but God had other plans for me."



More deranged than I thought..............wow............

No that's really what did it for me. When I got kicked out I didn't cry, I didn't wallow in my self pitty.....I made a path for myself. Through prayer and God gifts I was afforded the oppertunity to have everything I dreamed of.

I married my dream girl(freshmen year the prettiest woman in our class and has virtue).
We waited for marriage and have been together since 2005.
I had all of my children within the confines of marriage.
I own my own business and I can provide for my family.
I go out and mentor children that are in projects to give back to my community.
In a few months I'm going to be studying for the bar.
I now have a great relationship with my brother.
I don't care anymore about what people think about me.
I'm confident in who I am.
I love coming home to my family and we have our own home.

That's everything I've ever dreamed of. I'm blessed I can't victim I make to much money.

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

No that's really what did it for me. When I got kicked out I didn't cry, I didn't wallow in my self pitty.....I made a path for myself. Through prayer and God gifts I was afforded the oppertunity to have everything I dreamed of.

I married my dream girl(freshmen year the prettiest woman in our class and has virtue).
We waited for marriage and have been together since 2005.
I had all of my children within the confines of marriage.
I own my own business and I can provide for my family.
I go out and mentor children that are in projects to give back to my community.
In a few months I'm going to be studying for the bar.
I now have a great relationship with my brother.
I don't care anymore about what people think about me.
I'm confident in who I am.
I love coming home to my family and we have our own home.

That's everything I've ever dreamed of. I'm blessed I can't victim I make to much money.

My apologies to you. I, not paying much attention, assumed you to be the OP, you are not, yet I responded to you as if you were.

Sorry.

 

[Avniel]

My apologies to you. I, not paying much attention, assumed you to be the OP, you are not, yet I responded to you as if you were.

Sorry.

OHHH lol no problem lol that's why I was like what? You're super cool brother.

 

[bluegreysky]

I'm a Christian and my husbands an unbeliever. We have a 10 month old baby and we share a home together. For the past 2 years he has been quick to anger and constantly threatens divorce. He packs his stuff and leaves for hours sometimes days to his parents. He returns home and says he's sorry and the cycle repeats itself. I've tried everything from begging, asking, holding on to his things so he won't leave, and I've tried letting him walk out. But I feel exhausted tired of seeing him pack and then unpack. He says it's his anger and doesn't mean it. He has ptsd and is attending a methadone clinic. We are in couples counseling but it takes time to change. I love my husband any encouragement or advice please!

My husband has PTSD. Since we've been married, he's had some angry outbursts or has acted a little back-and-forth about stuff like his college major and sure he's said stuff he doesn't mean during arguments but he hasn't runaway. when we were dating, however...

We met in 2009 and had a wild summer of romance and fun. he had some money in savings, i was just out of college, he was back from the military as a vet with PTSD and he hadn't started his classes yet at the community college. So we were free to have fun. And we did. We fell in love fast.
Unfortunately, the grim reality of the PTSD caught up with him and he had an adverse reaction to some mood-altering meds. He also struggled when he had to face classes, therapy sessions, family drama and also a girlfriend.
By early 2010, we would break up like... every other week. and get back together.
Maybe not that often but he certainly did tell me, out of the blue, that he couldn't handle his life and a relationship and he'd tell me not to call him and go hide in his apartment or his family's house after he had to give up his apartment.
I'd be all distraught and then 3 or 4 days later he'd be back, sorry.
My parents and friends hated this for me. they understood he had a condition, but they wanted me to find someone "normal.".
After being there through all these up's and down's, falling in love, getting in through his low points and being there to "rescue" him from a few things I wasn't about to bail out on him. I wanted to be there when he got better.
This bipolar relationship continued until 2011 when we broke up for nearly a year and he had time to heal and so did I, alone.
After he got off the meds and quit drinking, he was able to act normal. for the most part.
Once we got back together, we had a few more up's and downs but we stayed together and got married in 2014.

The keys with PTSD guys is to be patient but don't enable. Don't enable him to drink, overdose on meds, treat you bad. You can't stop him from these things but don't encourage it.
However, you have to give him time to heal.
Pray for him, encourage him to stay in counseling.
Remove the triggers. Find out what they are, and remove them. Think about what goes on right before he up and says he wants to leave you.
Are you belittling him? are you talking about an ex? is it something unrelated to you like an unexpected expense or a confrontation with someone else?
My husband absolute cannot deal with
-being emasculated even jokingly
-being told I'll run away even if I'm really mad at him and want some space
-joking about cheating
-a story about another man hitting on me
-me entertaining unsavory friends
-getting forced to do a social event in a big crowd
Why? because he was emasculated every day by some jerky superiors in the military.
He was cheated on by the girl he was with back then.
And growing up they were always poor so old "trauma" from before the military plays into his PTSD too.
He also gets hyper vigilant a lot. he needs a loud dog, and a security system. He doesn't want to go into the bad side of town even just passing through.
There are so many triggers beyond the standard "loud noises" and "war flashbacks".
Every time he's ever being mean to me and saying something insulting or yelling it's because minutes before that, I accidentally did one of those things or he faced someone at school or somewhere he was that day who did one of those things.