Husband incapable of emotional intimacy...

[Satine]

To the OP:

I'm sorry if this ground has been covered before, but I haven't read the whole thread, only the first post.

Either your husband is truly not interested in the social interaction of the relationship, in which case you are having a marriage on your own (and that doesn't sound like much fun at all), or he specifically married you because you keep forgiving.

Let me explain it this way: there is a psychological game some people play in marriages, and it is called Look How Hard I've Tried. The trick is to look like you're trying but not actually put out any effort. One such trick is to do a little bit of 'the right thing' when you're asked to, and then stop the moment you've done a little bit of it. Another tactic is to have a partner who forgives a lot.

If you want to break this cycle you may need professional help. A marriage guidance therapist would (or I would hope she would, in any case) recognise this game and intercept it. My guess is she would ask your husband what it is he does to contribute towards the relationship and when it came out that he's not being a help, would ask him to do so. If he failed to after that, she'd send him away and speak with you only.

In this situation you would learn more about how to manage such a relationship and may outgrow him emotionally. If you do that, he'd have no partner to fill in all the gaps for him the way you have been. And if he sees that happening, if he wants this marriage at all he'll seek help at that point.

But I am not a qualified therapist, I'm only in-training, so it's just a guess of what would happen. Either way, I think it might be a good idea for you two to visit professional marriage guidance to help with this issue, because you have done everything you can think of. It needs another mind for new ideas, now.

Good luck.

 

[donnamabob]

To the OP:

I'm sorry if this ground has been covered before, but I haven't read the whole thread, only the first post.

Either your husband is truly not interested in the social interaction of the relationship, in which case you are having a marriage on your own (and that doesn't sound like much fun at all), or he specifically married you because you keep forgiving.

Let me explain it this way: there is a psychological game some people play in marriages, and it is called Look How Hard I've Tried. The trick is to look like you're trying but not actually put out any effort. One such trick is to do a little bit of 'the right thing' when you're asked to, and then stop the moment you've done a little bit of it. Another tactic is to have a partner who forgives a lot.

If you want to break this cycle you may need professional help. A marriage guidance therapist would (or I would hope she would, in any case) recognise this game and intercept it. My guess is she would ask your husband what it is he does to contribute towards the relationship and when it came out that he's not being a help, would ask him to do so. If he failed to after that, she'd send him away and speak with you only.

In this situation you would learn more about how to manage such a relationship and may outgrow him emotionally. If you do that, he'd have no partner to fill in all the gaps for him the way you have been. And if he sees that happening, if he wants this marriage at all he'll seek help at that point.

But I am not a qualified therapist, I'm only in-training, so it's just a guess of what would happen. Either way, I think it might be a good idea for you two to visit professional marriage guidance to help with this issue, because you have done everything you can think of. It needs another mind for new ideas, now.

Good luck.

Hi there, thank you so much for your thoughts. This ground wasn't exactly covered yet, maybe indirectly, but not really. I do notice a pattern of him "doing a little bit of 'the right thing' when you're asked to, and then stop the moment you've done a little bit of it." as you mentioned. This is the main source of my frustration because I am feeling like I am constantly deluded into the hope that things are going to get better, and then forced to face the reality that nothing has changed. I go up and down and up and down on the roller coaster, refusing to give up, and refusing to stop forgiving him (on that note, I do refuse to stop forgiving him because Jesus instructs us to always forgive no matter how many times we have to).

I haven't gotten to the point where I have concluded that he is not getting *any* better at all yet, but either way, I am looking into counseling. I do suspect that there is a very real possibility that there is truth in what you wrote here, even if I hate the idea of it

Thanks again for your help.

 

[mkgal1]

And as long as no one feels "safe" being themselves.....there's going to be discontentment (and maybe even resentment). That book that I linked earlier.....the 7 Levels of Intimacy sums up "intimacy" as revealing ourselves, and being accepted for who we are. We ALL long for that. If we are revealing only what we THINK others will accept, that's not intimacy (it's based on a lie), and will leave the people involved coming up empty.

 

[donnamabob]

And as long as no one feels "safe" being themselves.....there's going to be discontentment (and maybe even resentment). That book that I linked earlier.....the 7 Levels of Intimacy sums up "intimacy" as revealing ourselves, and being accepted for who we are. We ALL long for that. If we are revealing only what we THINK others will accept, that's not intimacy (it's based on a lie), and will leave the people involved coming up empty.

That's some good stuff right there, I'm going to have to look into that book a little later today when I have a free moment.

 

[mkgal1]

Hi there, thank you so much for your thoughts. This ground wasn't exactly covered yet, maybe indirectly, but not really. I do notice a pattern of him "doing a little bit of 'the right thing' when you're asked to, and then stop the moment you've done a little bit of it." as you mentioned. This is the main source of my frustration because I am feeling like I am constantly deluded into the hope that things are going to get better, and then forced to face the reality that nothing has changed. I go up and down and up and down on the roller coaster, refusing to give up, and refusing to stop forgiving him (on that note, I do refuse to stop forgiving him because Jesus instructs us to always forgive no matter how many times we have to).

I haven't gotten to the point where I have concluded that he is not getting *any* better at all yet, but either way, I am looking into counseling. I do suspect that there is a very real possibility that there is truth in what you wrote here, even if I hate the idea of it

Thanks again for your help.

The part about forgiving him, though.....that's a tough one, because it does read like a tactic, for him to go along with your analysis, to be sorrowful and seem as though he's trying to change, and like Satine said...it's just enough to get him by. We can't really truly forgive something unless one is truly changing their ways (repentance). The visual that comes to my mind, is those playground merry-go-rounds....I picture you jumping off and saying, "that's enough....I'm getting off this..." and he jumps off as well...telling you he doesn't want to be on that merry-go-round. As soon as you get complacent, you find BOTH of you back on again---wondering how that even happened. Maybe I'm projecting....but, does that seem accurate?

I wonder if instead of trying to help him so much, if it's time to move on to what Satine had mentioned..."In this situation you would learn more about how to manage such a relationship and may outgrow him emotionally. If you do that, he'd have no partner to fill in all the gaps for him the way you have been. And if he sees that happening, if he wants this marriage at all he'll seek help at that point."

I'm sure that's not answered in easy steps. This verse is probably a good place to begin, though:


"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, [FONT=Calibri,Calibri][FONT=Calibri,Calibri]will himself [/FONT][/FONT]restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen."
1 Peter 5:10-11 (NIV)

 

[mkgal1]

That's some good stuff right there, I'm going to have to look into that book a little later today when I have a free moment.

You can read a lot in the preview here:

 

[donnamabob]

We can't really truly forgive something unless one is truly changing their ways (repentance).

This is not what the bible says. Jesus commands us to forgive, and the bible tells us that we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us.

The visual that comes to my mind, is those playground merry-go-rounds....I picture you jumping off and saying, "that's enough....I'm getting off this..." and he jumps off as well...telling you he doesn't want to be on that merry-go-round. As soon as you get complacent, you find BOTH of you back on again---wondering how that even happened. Maybe I'm projecting....but, does that seem accurate?

Honestly, I don't feel like I've jumped off the merry-go-round.

I wonder if instead of trying to help him so much, if it's time to move on to what Satine had mentioned..."In this situation you would learn more about how to manage such a relationship and may outgrow him emotionally.

I'm having trouble understanding what it means to "outgrow him emotionally". How does someone do this? And, why would I want to do that?

If you do that, he'd have no partner to fill in all the gaps for him the way you have been. And if he sees that happening, if he wants this marriage at all he'll seek help at that point."

This sounds like it would be a little manipulative on my part. Am I misunderstanding something?

I'm sure that's not answered in easy steps. This verse is probably a good place to begin, though:


"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, [FONT=Calibri,Calibri][FONT=Calibri,Calibri]will himself [/FONT][/FONT]restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power forever and ever. Amen."
1 Peter 5:10-11 (NIV)

Thanks, I will try to keep this verse in mind and seek in the Lord to fulfill my emotional needs and continue to pray that my husband will also come around to share in that.

 

[mkgal1]

This is not what the bible says. Jesus commands us to forgive, and the bible tells us that we can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us.

IMO....there's lots of misconceptions taught (and caught) about forgiveness. Those misconceptions allow sin to rule situations, instead of God and goodness to rule.

What the Bible says about forgiveness is:

But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness. ~1st John 1:9

God's glory was spoken by God, and described as:

"I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. But I do not excuse the guilty."~Exodus 34:7

Unless a person believes that what they are doing is harmful to them, as well as their relationships, nothing is going to change in their behavior. God can't forgive something when a person rejects that they are doing wrong. That's what I believe "blaspheming the HOly Spirit" is (Mark 3:29). It's unpardonable, because the person isn't even ASKING for a pardon (or seeing any need to).

 

[mkgal1]

I'm having trouble understanding what it means to "outgrow him emotionally". How does someone do this? And, why would I want to do that?

Maybe Satine can answer better, since it was she that originally brought that up. I don't think it's something someone intends on doing (outgrowing someone emotionally) but, when there's a cycle like this---it's like a dance---each person has learned their "steps". You need to learn BETTER steps...healthier steps, but it's his choice whether or not he wants to "dance that new dance" or not.

This sounds like it would be a little manipulative on my part. Am I misunderstanding something?

Those were Satine's words.....I'll let her clarify them. I will say, though....."manipulative" is when you are taking from someone---limiting their choices, so that YOU get something & they LOSE something. Learning better ways to relate to others isn't manipulative.....it's like taking back the reigns so good behavior is "in charge" of the overall dynamic--instead of inferior behavior (couldn't think of how else to phrase that.). Everyone that wants to go along with a better dynamic gains.

Thanks, I will try to keep this verse in mind and seek in the Lord to fulfill my emotional needs and continue to pray that my husband will also come around to share in that.

That's not exactly what I was trying to point out when I quoted that verse. He provides more than just "emotional needs"....He will provide you with the truth, if you are truly wanting it, and wisdom in how to deal with each situation that comes your way. (I hope that makes sense).

 

[mkgal1]

IMO....these are great resources:

Overcoming Fear | MarriageToday

 

[Angeldove97]

Please be aware that this thread has gone through a clean up and posts have been removed due to rule violations or being off-topic. If you cannot find one of your posts in here, it has been removed by Staff.

Some reminders please (to help avoid Staff contacts/thread cleans up)...

Discuss the topics presented in the Opening Post only.

Post respectfully and with thought about the feelings of those who opened this thread and is seeking advice.
(Think about the "Golden Rule"!)
If you don't agree with a person's point of view, you don't need to debate it ceaselessly~ we are very lucky to be able to share our opinions and each of us deserves respect for those various viewpoints.

Flaming and Harassment
● Do not insult, belittle, mock, goad, personally attack, threaten, harass, or use derogatory nicknames in reference to other members or groups of members. Address the context of the post, not the poster.
● If you are flamed, do not respond in-kind. Alert staff to the situation by utilizing the report button. Do not report another member out of spite.

If you have any questions, please feel free to send me a pm or contact Member Services Center. Thank you kindly!
​

 

[conwifecon]

*

 

[eddy314]

Here's an example of different wiring--- when my MIL passed away, he only cried briefly. A week later he started tearing out the drywall in her old room (she lived with us) and redid the insulation, wiring, installed new drywall & painted. Man, I was confused! I called my Mom, completely baffled by his behavior. She told me that when my Gram died, my Dad repainted every room in their house! My Dad is definitely not what I would call emotionally unavailable. They process their emotions differently than we do. They need to act, to distract themselves from the pain. Do I think it's weird? Yeah! Really weird! But as my wise old Gram used to say, "It is what it is.... they're MEN." I think we need to stop expecting them to think like we think and have the same emotions as women do. The only men I know that are wired like us are gay.

I guess I don't expect my husband to meet all of my emotional needs. I have a close relationship with my Mom, aunts, daughter & my best friend since high school. I have hobbies that actually help me if I'm feeling frustrated - nothing like metalsmithing to get a little anger out! I meditate & pray while I garden. I enjoy tending our chooks & peas with my son & sharing our love of books & NASCAR. I enjoy my work, volunteer work and life in general. My husband is my rock, my stability, my knight in shining armor, my Beloved, my lover, the love of my life & my soulmate -- I can't ask for more. I don't want to change my lion into a tabby cat.

Sometimes in marriage you both have to compromise - find a middle ground where you can both function & be happy. Sometimes you just have to realize that men and women are different. I don't know the extent of your husband's emotional distance from you, and I may be totally out of line for your circumstances. Maybe I'm wired differently than most women! And maybe marriage counseling would be the best thing to do. I hope I didn't offend you. I just have a different perspective.[/quote]

I believe these comments make a great deal of sense...

One of the non Tabbies!

 

[chaz345]

Here's an example of different wiring--- when my MIL passed away, he only cried briefly. A week later he started tearing out the drywall in her old room (she lived with us) and redid the insulation, wiring, installed new drywall & painted. Man, I was confused! I called my Mom, completely baffled by his behavior. She told me that when my Gram died, my Dad repainted every room in their house! My Dad is definitely not what I would call emotionally unavailable. They process their emotions differently than we do. They need to act, to distract themselves from the pain. Do I think it's weird? Yeah! Really weird! But as my wise old Gram used to say, "It is what it is.... they're MEN." I think we need to stop expecting them to think like we think and have the same emotions as women do. The only men I know that are wired like us are gay.

I guess I don't expect my husband to meet all of my emotional needs. I have a close relationship with my Mom, aunts, daughter & my best friend since high school. I have hobbies that actually help me if I'm feeling frustrated - nothing like metalsmithing to get a little anger out! I meditate & pray while I garden. I enjoy tending our chooks & peas with my son & sharing our love of books & NASCAR. I enjoy my work, volunteer work and life in general. My husband is my rock, my stability, my knight in shining armor, my Beloved, my lover, the love of my life & my soulmate -- I can't ask for more. I don't want to change my lion into a tabby cat.

Sometimes in marriage you both have to compromise - find a middle ground where you can both function & be happy. Sometimes you just have to realize that men and women are different. I don't know the extent of your husband's emotional distance from you, and I may be totally out of line for your circumstances. Maybe I'm wired differently than most women! And maybe marriage counseling would be the best thing to do. I hope I didn't offend you. I just have a different perspective.

I believe these comments make a great deal of sense...

One of the non Tabbies![/quote]




I am confuzzled about something though. Your gender icon says "male" but you refer to your husband. Error in setting the icon?

 

[gabrielle2012]

I believe these comments make a great deal of sense...

One of the non Tabbies!

I am confuzzled about something though. Your gender icon says "male" but you refer to your husband. Error in setting the icon?[/quote]

Rather than hitting the quote button, he copied and pasted. Actually my words that got a lot of flack the first time around.

 

[pgp_protector]

I am confuzzled about something though. Your gender icon says "male" but you refer to your husband. Error in setting the icon?

I think that's caused by bad quote tags.

 

[eddy314]

No... no error I was trying to quote someone who made those comments earlier...and it didn't work the way I expected... I simply wanted to endorse her comments. It appears to be mine... but in fact it is a quote from a previous "poster"!

 

[pgp_protector]

No... no error I was trying to quote someone who made those comments earlier...and it didn't work the way I expected... I simply wanted to endorse her comments. It appears to be mine... but in fact it is a quote from a previous "poster"!

Yes, and it was caused by bad quote tags, if you edit your post you'll see an extra unattached Quote tag.

 

[pappastratos]

he needs to do his homework, at least fake it,,,

 

[CRL]

Hi there. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half now, and it's starting to become clear that he is not capable of giving me the emotional intimacy that I need.

We've talked about this so many times that I feel like I'm beating a dead horse. I purchased a book for him which explained in great detail what it is that women need from their husbands and why. He read the entire thing and claims to have understood it. Every time I bring it up, he musters up some of what I need, just enough to "fix" me, and then goes back to normal. Which only proves even further that he does understand what I'm talking about.

From what I can tell, his father was the exact same way, if not worse. We've talked about this as well, he agreed, and it didn't change anything.

He is the same way in all of his relationships, completely unable to open up emotionally or share any part of himself. He has no close friendships, probably never has.

Naturally, this is starting to spill over into our physical relationship. I do my best to do what the bible tells me to do as a wife in that department, but there is no desire. My husband knows this, and again, we've talked about why, but it seems he's willing to settle for less than the best if it means he can avoid emotional intimacy.

I really don't know what to do any more. I don't want to spend the rest of our marriage in a cycle of learning to forgive him, and learning not to sin out of my anger, and learning to not resent him, etc. I try so hard to remind myself that "It's not all about me" - but in this case, I know that if it's somewhat about me, he will be much better off as well.

I'm just so frustrated, and we're about to go around the "talk about how I feel, he pretends to do something about it, I feel better, he shuts down again" cycle for the 3rd time this month! Everything in me wants to put up a wall and just completely shut him out so that I can stop experiencing the pain that this is causing me, but I know that will only hurt the situation more.

Does anyone have any advice at all? Thank you...